HAPPY NEW YEAR

Let us say bye bye to 2009 and welcome 2010 with smile :

Little Joe came back from school after results of final examinations were declared. He was crying. His mother fearing that he may have been detained in KG class asked him what the matter was. Joe told her between sobs that all student had been promoted but his class teacher had failed as she had to stay in the same class.


Ashok was very keen to see one day cricket match between India and Sri Lanka but did not know how to get away from office. He mustered up courage and went to his boss with woeful looks telling him that his grandfather had expired so he needs to go. His boss let him. Next day when he came to office his boss asked him if he believed in miracles. On his saying no, his boss told him but that happened yesterday as after you left there was a call from your grandfather to tell you that Sri Lanka won the toss and elected to bat first.


There were three Barbers who had their saloons close to each other in a market. One put up a sign board proclaiming Best Saloon of this City. Few days later second one put up sign board saying Best Saloon of the country. Third one thought for a few days and then put up sign board stating Best Saloon in this Market.


Tony took Jenny to fair. They had rides in the merry go round, giant wheel and took part in many games of luck. Tony asked her what she wanted to do next. She said she wanted to be weighed. He took her to weighing scale and she got weighed. They roamed around enjoying drinks and eats as well as looking at various shows. He again asked her what would she like to do more. She again said she would like to be weighed. He again took her to weighing scale and got her weighed. This happened a few more times and Tony got annoyed. He took her back home and left her. Later her friend asked her how was the trip to the fair. She replied “ W(L)ousy ”.


Tutu had habit of flirting. Tanu, his wife suspected that it was not just verbal. It just so happened that Tanu was asked by her office to go to UK for training lasting 4 months. She asked him what would he like her to bring for him. He laughingly told her that he would like a nice English girl. On her return he on receiving her at airport asked her where was his gift. She very sweetly told him that he would have to wait for another seven months to see her.


WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY 2010.

THANKS

I am really grateful to all of you for reading my previous post. I had let Naina read your advices on her visit a couple of days ago. She was in tears when she saw you all so concerned about her happiness in marriage. She promised that she would make all efforts to change herself for better and asked me to convey her heartfelt thanks to all of you. Big THANK YOU not only from her but from me too as she is my very close friend’s daughter in law. She had confided in me after a lot of effort from me and now she feels happy that she spoke her problems to me.

May I request you all to have your computers checked for virus as I have been a victim of hung PC or PC not working very often recently. My service engineer told me that it is due to virus being passed on, may be unknowingly, by some one from blogspot family as I spend a lot of time in this. My son has asked me to stop visiting blogspot or writing but I do wish to continue with you all, so this request.

ANY SOLUTIONS ?

This is a real life situation showing what wife and husband have in their mind in a troubled marriage but do not communicate with each other freely and logically. I request for your views :-

I am Naina. I am 26. I have been complimented often for being tall, slim, fair and attractive. I have been married for 2 years now. I am not very happy since soon after marriage. I do not want anyone to interfere in the way I live and I want my husband, Sujit to do what so ever I tell him. Though he is very handsome, smart and very nice and understanding, this is causing a lot of friction. We are staying with his parents and my husband is not willing to live separately in spite of my strong desire for that. His mother is ok though at times we do have differences and I argue with her. His father is very helpful and tries to see that we all live in harmony. He supports me but does advise me to mend my ways too. To make you understand my problem let me tell you something of my background.

As far as I can remember my father had been very strict and did not allow me any freedom. I was not permitted to stay out late into evenings with my friends right from childhood or have chaat, golgappas etc. Even clothes I wore had to have his approval. My mother hardly had any say as he controled the house with iron fist. He controlled my life in every way. This made me underconfident and feel so dependent on him that I had to seek his consent for everything I did. If ever I did something he did not approve of, he used to beat me. As I grew older he used to slap only but very hard. This carried on till I was almost 14 or 15. Thereafter he did not hit me but used to penalize me by denying some thing or the other which I wanted badly. I felt very deprived and resented this as I saw my friends living carefree life which I too was keen on. Subconsciously I started doing things secretly which I knew he would not approve. Of course, nothing like smoking or taking drugs but like seeing adult movies on VCR while visiting some friend or dressing up in their short skirts or shorts and skimpy tops while in their house or having chaat etc. or things like that. Thus it became a habit to do something which I was told not to. Whatever little circle of friends I had was all girls approved by him and he did not like my mixing with boys. When I was in final year of school, just to prove to myself that I can do something at my own without asking for his approval , I agreed to be friends with a guy who had been asking me to be his girlfriend for a long time. He was my senior by two years in school and was in college then. He was staying in our locality at a little distance. I kept it secret from my father and told all my friends not to mention it in his presence. We used to meet for short time during my evening walks as I could not stay out late. At times he used to meet me outside my school while I waited for the school bus to leave but I could never bunk school to go with him. My outings from home were strictly controlled. At times I used to make excuse to go to the house of my close girlfriend who was also my class mate for studies and instead meet him close to her house. She was aware of it and stood by me in case of any call from my home. I used to get vicarious pleasure that I have a boyfriend, something which my father would never have approved of.

We had been friends for almost a year when I entered college. My father had let me have mobile so he could keep tabs on me. He used to check my call details and messages. I used to delete all such calls or messages which I did not want him to see. Now that strict school regime was not there, we could meet more often. Many a times he used to come to my college in his car and we went to nearby restaurant or park depending upon time available in between lectures. During school days it was nothing serious from my side but something I wanted to do which my father would disapprove of. Now as we spent more time together we came to know each other well and I started liking him a lot. Though I had made it quite clear to him that I did not want any physical intimacy but as time passed hugging and kissing came as a natural consequence. Frankly I loved his attention towards me. By the time I was in 2nd year we had become more playful and were quite comfortable with each other but I still did not agree to go all the way though he hopefully pleaded many times. At times when there were no classes in the afternoon he used to pick me up if no one was at his house and we spent some time cozying up. I then used to reach home as if coming back from college. During one such visit by end of my second year we were lying in the bed fooling around when he forced himself onto me. Though I was not willing but did not put up much of resistance as I was feeling highly aroused. I would be honest that after initial pain I did have some pleasant sensation much more than what I had felt earlier. After it was over I cried a little while he apologized for not having been able to control himself . Later on while thinking it over, I felt a kind of high for having done something which my father would not ever have thought I would do. Thus after a few days when we were in his house I did not stop him. After that we did it whenever we had an opportunity. In my mind this was like freedom to do whatever I want and paying back my father for his strictness. I had by now got used to doing things which I was told not to, but of course not openly as I outwardly still remained an obedient daughter. After post graduation he got a good job in another town. We used to meet during his periodic visits home.

I too started working after post graduation. My father was not for it but relented when my mother took my side. In my office life too I did not conform to rules much as I felt being controlled. Thus many a times my boss ticked me off. Soon I realized that I could have my way if I played along with my boss’s flirtatious ways. He was in mid 30s and married. It lead to my having physical relations with him after a while. I could have my way and felt I was in control of everything. But this was not for long as he joined another company. He offered to take me along but I had to decline as it was in nearby town which my father would never have agreed to.

By now my father started looking for suitable match for my marriage. I told him that I liked someone and would like him to be considered. My father flew into such a rage that I cowered away fearing physical hurt. He told me that I need not go for work anymore till I am married off. After a few days of home confinement he agreed to let me go only on one condition that he would monitor all my movements. To cut it short now, I was married off within a couple of months after that. I have not told my husband anything about my affairs. As a matter of fact in our first meeting he told me that we should let past be past and if we do marry we should start our life afresh. I however met my boyfriend a few times after marriage too whenever my husband was away on tour. I think my father in law has strong inkling about it as once or twice he told me that I should not let the past ruin my married life. I do feel the burden in my mind and this makes me behave the way I do. At time feel like telling all to my husband but am scared of consequences, specially reaction of my father if he is told all this. I could speak to my father in law as he is very level headed and may give me right advice as well as support. I do want to have happy married life as well as children but am confused.


I am Naina’s husband. I feel so depressed at the way she behaves. She makes lot of fuss on small issues and often quarrels with me. A number of times after such quarrel she goes off to her parents place. She keeps after me to do this or do that and wants to control all my movements. I can not even talk to my old friends without her overhearing what to talk about spending some time with them. I was brought up in a very open minded atmosphere and had a lot of space. My parents, specially my father made me understand my responsibilities while allowing all the freedom I wanted. I have had my free run as a bachelor but the girl I liked could not make her parents agree for marriage with me. My parents were very supportive and my father even told me that if I wished to go for court marriage, he would support me but I did not want to start my married life on a sour note. So I told my parents to find suitable match for me. My father was firm that though they would find the girl but I have to meet her and it had to be a joint decision with the girl. I met Naina alone outside her office and we spent almost 2 hours in a restaurant. I told her that at our age there is a lot which goes on but if she decides to marry me, we should let past be past and start our life afresh for happiness. My parents are very supportive and have left us to settle down with each other without any interference. Even when we have quarrels they let us sort our affairs at our own. I do not know how should I make her understand that this is her home now and she should feel so. She does not want children at present even while my parents are keen to have grandchild. She keeps calling her father on every small thing asking for his opinion. This makes me feel so little. I am at my wits end how to make her understand to be a part of family now.

FOR SOME LAUGHTER

My PC has been updated and is OK now. So here is something for little laughter :


A well dressed man walked into a bank at airport on Friday afternoon. He asked the manager if he could get a loan of $5,000.00 for short period. The manager asked if he could offer any security. The man told that his car was outside and he could offer that. On looking at new shining BMW outside the manager agreed to advance the said amount. The car keys and documents were taken and after due paper work advance was given in cash. The car was moved to reserved parking area of the bank. On Monday after lunch the man came back to return the loan amount. He was asked to pay $5,010.00 including interest. He pulled out wallet full of currency and paid the said amount. While returning car keys and documents the manager could not resist asking that he looked to have enough cash so why did he need such small loan. The man replied with a smile, “ Where would have I found safe parking for my car over the week end for just $ 10.00?”


Raju was in need of Rs 10,000.00. He approached his close friend Sonu asking for loan for short period as it was 16th of the month and he promised to return the amount of the 1st of following month. Sonu gave him the asked amount. On 1st of next month Raju realized that he had not been able to arrange to return the loan. So he approached his other friend Mike and asked for same amount with promise to return on the 16th of the month. He got the amount which he gave to Sonu. Then on 16th as he did not have money to give back to Mike he approached Sonu for loan till 1st of the following month. Keeping in mind earlier timely return of money, Sonu advanced him the said amount. Raju gave that to Mike. The went of for a few months that Raju would take money for Sonu on the 1st to give it to Mike and on 16th take it from Mike to give it to Sonu. One day Raju called both his friends together and asked Sonu to give Rs 10,000.00 to Mike on every 16th of the month while he asked Mike to give the same amount to Sony on every 1st of the month as they did not need him to be a courier for this exchange of money.


Little Pappu was crying standing next to a drain covered with fixed iron grill. A man walking past asked him as to why was he crying. Pappu said between sobs, “ I dropped a five rupee note in the drain and now what will I tell my mother when I go home without buying what she sent me for.” The man took pity on his plight. He took out a five rupee note and gave it to the boy. The boy started crying even more loudly. The man asked him what was the matter now. The boy replied, “ I am crying now as to why did I not say it was a hundred rupee note.”


An optician was giving tips to his young son on how to quote price to customers. He told him that once a customer has made selection tell him it costs Rs 500.00 and if the customer does not flinch then add --- for each lens.


On Saturday late afternoon a middle aged man with salt and pepper hair walked into a famous store accompanied by a young beautiful girl of 20 or so. He asked the salesperson to show good fur coats to the girl. She selected one which was quite expensive. He told the manager of the store that he would like to pay by cheque as he did not have sufficient cash on him. The manager politely told that the delivery could only be made once his bank confirmed acceptance of cheque. He asked the girl if he could collect the coat on Monday after store is satisfied about payment. She happily nodded in agreement. So he asked the manager to have the coat kept for him for collection on Monday afternoon. On Monday afternoon he came back but was told by the manager that the coat could not be delivered as his bank intimated insufficient funds in his account. He told, “ Yes, I know. I just came to thank you for the beautiful week end I had.”

TAG

I was tagged by a few of my young friends here and I promised to do those as soon as possible. I sincerely apologies to them as due to my plain lethargy I have not fulfilled my promise till date. I did not copy the text so now I am in a fix to find what TAGs are due. I request them to please give me clue so I can take those up.

For present, I am reproducing a TAG which I had done more than a year ago on o3.indiatimes.com site. I have made slight changes. This is quite simple. There are key words or phrases and one needs to give lyrics of a song relating to these. In this TAG the lyrics are in Hindi and I have not translated these because then the intended impact will not be there. Hope you enjoy it.

The extra cuppa tea I had just now:
I would have preferred shot of Old Monk after sunset, but if it has to be tea, Well!
“ Mujhko apne gale laga lo, ey mere humrahi “
Liptan di CHAH hai. LOL
The weather here: ( It was rainy season then )
”Hai hai yeh majboori, yeh mausam aur yeh doori, teri do takian di naukari, mera lakhon ka sawan jai.”
Hope that is what my wife thinks when I am in office & it rains hard. LOL
Waiting for someone:
”Oye sarian bibian aayian, Harnam Kaur na aayi.”
Supposedly a pet song of Sikh Paltan during WW II.

Life:
“Zindagi ka safar, yeh kaisa safar, koi samjha nahin, koi jaana nahin.”
Is it not so?

Just for you... :)
“Yarri hai imaan mera, yaar meri zindagi .”
I value friendship.

Kya style hai... ;)
“Hawa mein urta jai, yeh tera lal dupatta malmal ka.”

Love of my life:
“Aye meri zohrazabin tu abhi tak ho haseen aur mein jawaan, tujh pe qurbaan meri jaan, meri jaan.”
Of course to my wife of 38 years.
Me and Blogsville: :D
“Kahaan aa gaye hum, sakoon aa gaya hai.”

Main aur meri tanhayii:
“Chhod gaye balam, hai akela chhod gaye.”

Attitude matters:
“Hum honge qamyaab ek din.”

Some Plans:
“Ek din bik jayega maati ke mol, jug mein reh jayenge bus tere bol.”
Would like to leave something behind for society to remember me by.

My washing machine:
“Taarif karun kya uski, jisne tujhe banaya.”
LG : Life is Good.

For my friends here:
”Yaad karoge, ek din humko yaad karoge.”
I hope so.

This second cup of chai: :P
No, it is now second shot of OLD MONK : So
“ Yaaro mujhko maaf karna, main nashe mein hoon.”

Right now :
“Achha to ab chalte hain, kal phir milenge.”

Hopefully.

I am not tagging anyone, those who like it and wish to take it up are most welcome.

PARENTS - CHILDREN RELATIONSHIP

I read following two snippets way back in 1969 or 1970 and if my memory does not fail me it was in Readers’ Digest.

A young boy of 3 years or so was asked his name by someone and he replied, “ Jimmy No.”. It was explained that his parents always kept telling him “Jimmy No” whenever he did something they did not want. So he took No as part of his name.

A young man walking on the beach saw a girl of about 2 years playing very close to the sea running towards the waves and running back when waves touched her legs. Her mother was sitting few yards away watching her daughter intently. He asked her as to why does she not stop the girl from going towards sea as it was dangerous but the mother did not respond and kept looking at the girl without shifting her gaze. Suddenly mother sprang up rushing towards the girl who had almost got swept away by strong wave and brought her out of water. On reaching the man she said, “ If I had stopped her from playing the way she was, she would do so when she is alone and not being watched. Now she knows the danger and so she herself would be careful in future.”

These left a lasting impression on my mind.

A year or so later I heard a young girl of about 8 years telling a lady, “ Go ahead and tell my mother. What will she do, give me few slaps, so what?”. This seemed to be a retort to the lady threatening her that she would report her misdeed to her mother. What struck me was the defiant attitude of that young girl.

These made me think about how children should be treated in their formative years by parents. Relationship between parents and a child is very important at that stage for overall development of the child into a responsible adult. And subsequently too bond between parents and grown up children is of utmost importance to ensure all round happiness of a family. There are umpteen number of books written by specialists but what I am going to say is the basic principles which have been of help to us in our years of bringing up children and as such I am sharing it with you all.

First and foremost we need to keep in mind that a young child is innocent, curious and interprets things as per his or her exposure. So when we speak to child about anything we need to get down to his or her age and understand their point of view or way of looking at things. For safety of toddler we need to keep things which may be harmful for the child out of reach. We had put dummy plugs in all reachable power point not in use and removed all items from dressing table locking those up in the drawers instead of saying NO every time they reached for it.

Never should we discourage a child from asking questions even if those seem silly to us as in his or her mind those are curiosities. We need to address all questions with reasonable explanations understandable by child and if it is something which is not appropriate for that age we should divert attention of child. There are so many ways to do so instead of saying NO or this is not for you leaving the child wondering about unanswered question and trying to find answer from other sources.

As the child grows we need to change our approach too but never in dictatorial way. During school days never put child under pressure to perform as per our satisfaction. Child should be made to understand that it is for his or her good to learn attentively and understand the subject instead of just memorizing it blindly. Encouragement should be given for participation in sports and extra curricle activities. They should be made to understand time management without being ordered to study or do this or do that all the time. Let the child choose own profession. We need to explain pros and cons of each and let the decision be made by the child.

Now comes the difficult phase, pre-teen, teenage and college life. In this phase there is not only curiosity of new pastures or trying to explore new ways of freedom but rebellion too to move away from it is done this way approach of elders. It is not possible to be with them 24 hours of the day. We need to understand that time has come to treat them as friends, of course within limits and make them understand their responsibilities. We need to encourage them to share their feelings and thoughts. I had told our daughter when she joined college “ Now you are moving from uniformed regulated life to different way of life with time at your disposal. Do what your conscience permits you but just understand that whatever you do should not make us hang our heads in shame ever. There may be times when you may feel you have to do something against your wishes or conscience, so just take precautions not to get into that kind of situation.” I am proud to say that she behaved in a very sensible way without any monitoring. And to our son at his entry to college apart from what I told his sister I added “ Never force a girl for anything she does not want to do or never physically or emotionally coerce her to do what she is not willing to.” Again I am happy that he never let us down.

Then comes the marriage time. We should give full liberty to them to choose their soul mate. They should be made to feel confident to share their liking with us. If it is seen that the one chosen lacks something, it should be logically discussed and not forced for change of option. Our children had their own friendships but when time came they both left it to us to look for their would be life partners. But I insisted that they would have to meet our selected one, spending enough time without being chaperoned to make up their mind. I also told our son that the girl he so meets has full right to say no. Well, they are both now settled with children though with normal tiffs off and on. They have to solve their differences themselves with our unbiased support to one who is justified.

Thereafter they should be left to lead life as they want without interference but support as needed. Of course it does not mean that they can do something criminal or unacceptable in normal society for which once again we can only advise or guide logically but can not force our will. In such an event if he or she still continues to follow which is unacceptable, it is time to part company.
That sums up what we have gone through in our time. Now it is grandchildren who make us relive our olden days all over again.

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Today we completed 38 years of married life. We, of course, have had our ups and downs in loving relationship with not on talking terms and throwing tantrums but she was always there when I needed her. I, too, did reciprocate the same whenever need arose. These years made me wiser. So today I thought of putting up a post with lighter tone, Jokes on married life. Here we go, hope you do enjoy these :


In the evening of 25th wedding anniversary wife found husband sitting in the reading room with tears in eyes and drinking. She was overcome with emotions and told him that she was so glad to see tears of happiness. He said, “ Do you remember when your Police Officer father caught us in your room what did he say?” She replied, “ Yes, I do remember even though I was so scared at being caught that way, he told you either you marry me or he will have you sent to jail for 25 years.” He started crying loudly saying , “ Do you understand I would have been a free man by now.”


A young man asked his married friend for advice as he wanted to get married. His friend told him “ Marriage has 3 rings, Engagement Ring, Marriage Ring and SufferRing.”


Marriage is a ceremony where a man loses his Bachelor’s degree while a woman get Master’s.


A couple was driving past a farm on the highway and were having heated argument. On seeing some pigs in the farm field he told her, “ Your relatives.” She immediately retorted, “ Yes, from in-laws side.”


A couple was having heated argument in front of some friends. She told him, “ My choice is always better than yours.” He agreed whole heartedly saying, “ I agree with you fully.” His friend later asked him as to why did he agree. He told, “ After all I am her choice and she is my choice.”


Do you know full form of WIFE? It is acronym for Worries Invited For Ever.


What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are atleast WANTED.


There was discussion in the office about colour of eyes and faithfulness. It transpired that those with black eyes are most faithful, with blue eyes are flirts, green eyed fantasize and those with brown eyes are least faithful. A newly married man went home earlier than normal. When he opened his flat door with his key, he found his wife sleeping in the bedroom. He tiptoed to her and lifted her eye lids gently. On seeing colour of eyes he was taken aback and said loudly, “ Oh, brown.” And out came his close friend Brown from under the bed saying with surprise, “ How did you know I am here?”



A private in the Army got married to a Lady Staff Sergeant who was not only senior but little elder in age too. She was also drill instructor for the formation. His friends asked him as to why did he do that. He told them, “ Well, I do what you people always wish while on parade.”

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART III

Now I come to the 3rd and the last part of this post. In this I will try to put across some of the expectations of both – boy’s parents and girl’s parents and what they need to do to achieve what they wish for. And when I say parents, it includes siblings of the boy or girl too.

First I will take up boy’s side. I am not at all talking of those who are greedy and dowry seekers. As far as I am concerned such persons do not need to be thought of as those who wish to have happy family life because for such persons it is jingle of coins only which makes them happy. Best part is while seeking dowry they open their mouths so big that even the whole world is not sufficient and at the same time when it comes to marriage of their daughters they feign poverty. Let us forget such blots on the face of earth.

His parents basically look for girl who will settle down as family member and follow traditions of the family. They would like her to share all good and bad of the family. They would expect her to keep all family affairs within the family and not make it public. They expect her not to divide the family. They would like her to show due respect and not talk back or sulk if told of some mistakes. They also look for grandchildren to give them company.

What should they do to have this happy situation? First of all they must give space to the new entrant to the family. They must understand that she has spent so many years in her parents house following their way of life, so give her time to adjust to new surroundings. They must let her have quality time with her husband as they have to understand each other to spend rest of their life. They should be open to logical discussion for any change needed in the traditions or way of life felt by the girl and agree to what seems better as well as explain why old customs must carry on. There should never be any mistrust. Mother should tell her likes and dislikes of her son including food habits so she can adjust to him faster. She should be given opportunity to learn whatever needs to be to take on responsibilities of the household. They should be support to her for bringing up the grandchildren but not to spoil them.

In short I will just say that THEY SHOULD TREAT HER AS THEY WOULD LIKE THEIR DAUGHTER TO BE TREATED AT HER HUSBAND’S HOME.


Now coming to girl’s parents. They would like to see their daughter settle down in the new home. They would like to see her being treated with love and respect. They would like to see her husband caring and supporting her.

To achieve the above they first of all need to explain to their daughter that she is starting with new life and her husband’s family is now her family. They can affirm their support to her just as earlier but make her understand that she needs to settle down in new place as quickly as possible. They should explain to her to have open mind and learn. If she feels something amiss she should speak to her husband in polite manner and thereafter with his mother or father. She should not run back to them for every small issue or try to divide the family. Above all they should never ever interfere into the affairs of her new family. They may keep an eye that she is not being harassed.

Again in short THEY SHOULD DO WHAT THEY EXPECT PARENTS OF THEIR SON’S WIFE TO DO.


Whatever I have said in these 3 parts is for an ideal situation which is very difficult to attain. However if efforts are made by each one to follow these as much as possible the life of any family will be peaceful thus lead to happiness.

It must be kept in mind that OPEN TWO WAY LOGICAL AND POLITE COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.


May I request you all for adding your inputs to whatever I have felt or put across.

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART II

Now coming to second part of my post. This is a difficult one. Before I go further may I tell you of an incident which happened few years ago. This is with due apologies to my readers of fair gender. Once a young man was strolling on the beach early in the morning. He saw a corked bottle with some fumes in it. He picked it up and pulled out the cork. Out came a Ginnie who bowed thanking him for setting him free. Ginnie further told that he would fulfill one of his wishes. The youngman was very scared of traveling by air or sea but was keen to visit Lakshdeep islands. He asked Ginnie to build a bridge to the islands so he could drive down to that place. Ginnie told him it is very difficult and requested for alternate wish. The youngman asked Ginnie to give him knowledge to understand women. Ginnie folded his hands and said “ How many lanes do you want in the bridge.”

Jokes apart, I am going to try to bring out expectations of a girl after marriage and how she can achieve what she wants. Let me put it here itself that what can be achieved by love and affection is not possible to get by sulking, throwing tantrums or being adamant. One needs to keep ego aside, however self respect is to be maintained. Though I have had fairly good idea as I used to speak to our daughter about her expectations when she was of marriageable age but still to update myself I spoke to few more young ladies – one newly married and rest of marriageable age. This post is thus based on these inputs along with what I had in my mind. Here I will try to put across her dreams for married life and her efforts to make the same come true.

First thing which we all have to understand is that no matter how long the girl may have known the husband or his family before marriage, it is only when one lives 7 X 24 that one gets to know the others fully. She moves from known environments where she is confident of her position and knows that her mistakes will not be made an issue. So the first thing which she looks for when she moves to husband’s house is acceptance with love & affection as an integral member of the family. Then comes space and independence followed by respect not only from husband but other members of the family too. She looks for time to settle down and wants support from all for that with open minded discussions and not sniggering remarks. It will of course facilitate her settling down if there are no demands of dowry. She is keen to have quality time with husband and feels that he should be with her as much as possible. She also wishes that her parents and relatives are given due respect by husband and others in the family. She wants to be part of decision making in the family and in many cases will like to continue with her career for financial independence. Most of this may not be difficult if staying alone with husband but if staying in joint family there will be some differences which may cause misunderstandings. She will definitely look for all the love from her husband and no unfaithfulness. She will expect her husband to understand that once she becomes a mother her attention will be more towards the child and he should not take it as if she is ignoring him. She will expect him to share her chores and all feelings. I do not think I need to say anything about physical relations which is definitely part of expectations.

Now let us see how can she get all she is looking for. First and foremost she has to understand that this is her family now. She must feel part and parcel of the family she joins. Not that she should forget her parental family but for settling down in new place she has to make efforts to be part of them. She needs to understand customs and traditions. If she finds any of these uncomfortable she must have clear communication with her husband and thereafter with her mother in law without drawing parallel with her parental house. She should try to take on household chores with concurrence of his mother, even if she is working then whatever is possible. She must understand that relation between mother and son is something which is very sacred and she has her own place. If she wins over his mother with her love she will not have any major difficulty with her husband as she will always have her support. Her respect for elders of the family will surely pay back as they too will have same feelings for her. If there is any misunderstanding she should clarify politely instead of keeping to herself and sulking.

I think instead of writing more I can just sum it up in one sentence “ SHE SHOULD DO WHAT SHE EXPECTS WIFE OF HER BROTHER TO DO IN HER PARENTAL HOUSE.”

I must convey my special thanks to Harpreet, Sonal and Shruti for their valuable inputs.

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART I

Some time ago I attended a seminar on Domestic Violence organized by a reputed NGO. There were a number of speakers and a lot of question were put up by attendees. Most of the speakers explained about the law provisions and some linked it with case histories. Two of them offered some concrete suggestions on how to curb this menace. This set me thinking that if we could understand basic causes which lead to domestic discord resulting in violence at times we may be able to curb this evil to a large extent. What I will try to project are expectations of each person involved making up a family and I will also say what should each one do to have expectations fulfilled. My writing is based on my own experience as son, husband, son-in-law, father, father-in-law of daughter’s husband & son’s wife apart from what I have observed in the society. And what I am going to say is applicable to present trends of our society which are strongly contested by a couple of young ladies who wish to see changes and I agree with them that we do need to change some of our age old customs as per changing times. What I say is for majority, exceptions are always there.

I have been working on this for almost a couple of weeks but have not been able to complete it. So I am going to post in 3 parts with first one from point of view of husband, second from wife and last from parents of boy as well as girl. Here is the first part :

HUSBAND

A man gets married to basically settle down in life, to have peaceful & comfortable home with someone to come to after hard day’s work, to have a family, have someone share his responsibilities and to have a soul mate with whom to share his happiness, thoughts & dreams. Physicality too is a major attraction.

To have above, he has to understand that his wife whom he may have known for years has left known safe environments and moved to his place with her dreams. It is only when you live together 7 X 24 that you truly get to know each other. There will definitely be some differences as two individuals have own personalities. If they are living in a joint family this aspect is more prominent as there are other members of family too with whom there may be some mutual differences. This is where maturity of husband is tested as he has to give support to his wife to overcome her fears and weaknesses. He has to understand her dreams and work for those which are relevant in the situation. He has to have patience. Not that I did not lose temper in the initial years of marriage but realized it over a period of time that it is futile to be angry as then logic goes out of mind. We had lived away from family as my job demanded that. In a joint family he has to give sufficient time to parents and siblings if staying together but without neglecting his wife. He has to make her understand that parents / siblings have their place while she has her own. He needs to see that she becomes a important part of the family and seek support of his parents / siblings to ensure that. There is likelihood of misunderstandings between his mother / sister and wife. He has to be unbiased to ensure that he must explain to the person who is wrong and why so. He has to shoulder dual role. If he expects her to respect him and his family he must give due respect to her and her space too and see that his family too does the same. He needs to share household chores, specially so if she is also working. He must show respect to her parents and regard to other relatives just as he would like her to do for his own. There should never be a time when he ridicules or belittles her on any matter. And last but not the least there should be no dowry demanded at all.

I feel this may be good start for having a happy HOME.

FOR LITTLE LAUGHTER

After 4 serious thought provoking posts, I think it is time for some lighter one and here is my attempt to bring smile on your face :



Jill was planning to go for weekly shopping of daily necessities. Their house was on top of a hill. It had snowed the whole of previous night and everything was white. She knew the road winding down to town nearby would be slushy and partly covered with snow. They have a SUV but she was not familiar with engaging 4 X 4 drive. Her husband was away on business trip and her father in law was away visiting other son . She called up her husband who briefed her in details how to engage 4 X 4 and ended by saying if she still had difficulty she should ask Tim. After an hour or so she was ready to leave but she still did not feel confident so she called up her father in law who too briefed her fully ending with to take help from Tim if she had any difficulty. Tim happened to be her 5 years old son.


It had rained heavily the previous night and all paths were slippery in the hilly terrain. Bobby reached school very late. On being asked by teacher he gave reason that for every two steps taken forward he slipped back by four steps. The teacher thinking that he could corner him for telling lies, asked then how did you reach school. He replied on seeing what was happening he started going back towards home and thus reached school.


A girl was with her elderly aunt who was driving up on hilly road. She was scared every time they took blind hairpin bend but her aunt seemed calm as ever. On being asked her aunt told that she too was scared out of her wits on every such bend so she just closed her eyes while negotiating it.


A young man went to the club for the first time after becoming member. It was early evening. There was only one more member, an old man there. So to strike conversation he asked the old man if he would like to join him for a drink. The old man replied “ Tried it once, did not like it ”. After some time the young man who wanted company asked him again if he would like to play cards with him. The reply again was “ Tried it once, did not like it ”. He then asked if he would join him for scrabble. Again the old man replied “ Tried it once, did not like it.” He got same reply for game of darts too. At last he asked the old man if he would like to play snooker and was told “ Tried it once, did not like it, however my son would be here soon and you can play with him ”. To this the young man retorted under breath “ I think he must be your only child ”.


An average man has sex life in three stages :

Tri – Weekly

Try – Weekly

and

Try - Weakly

FACTS OR FICTION ? Last Part

This is last of 4 posts, each with different circumstances, I am putting up to bring out how youngsters get into situations without realizing what their actions could lead to. This one deals with how even well educated who have blind faith in something or the other may get into such situation.



My name is Devi. I am 28, married for 4 years and have a little over 2 years old daughter. I come from a very orthodox and conservative family. To give you a little background let me tell you that my grandfather was born prematurely and chances of his survival were put at minimum. So his mother took a vow to pray for a particular deity, keep fasts and give up non-vegetarian food though she was very fond of it. He survived. He was youngest of seven children, others being all girls. There was no looking back after that for journey on spiritual road. He too took to religious activities like duck takes to water. He was a teacher and retired as Inspector of Schools. My father too inherited his fascination for spirituality. He too was in teaching line but in college. Now he is retired and devotes most of his time reading some religious scripture or the other. He too has 3 elder sisters. My mother is housewife and very pious. There was no restriction for me to study. I graduated in Sanskrit Honours and followed it up with masters. I had chosen this language as I wanted to study religious scriptures in original without relevance being lost in translations. I also took up teaching. Having been in such atmosphere I too am very religious and believe a lot in astrology. I am married into a like minded family. My husband is in business for exporting ethnic Indian wear. He too is only son with 2 sisters who are married. We observe festivals strictly in accordance with laid down rituals. I too keep fasts as per advice of our priest.

We decided to have only 2 children and my mother in law is keen on grandson. So she consults various astrologers and priests. I too have a lot of faith in conjunction of different planets and influence thereof on our lives. Presently due to economic downturn my husband is facing some difficulty in his business. As such he spends a lot of time at work trying to find more customers. He is under lot of stress. I make all efforts to help him out and de-stress. Recently my mother in law came to know of some Guruji who has reputation of offering solutions to hurdles faced by people. It was also told that he mostly stayed abroad as he has very large number of foreigners as disciples. We went together to see him. He is around mid 40s and well built. He had a lot of followers at his place that day. On hearing us, for grandson by her and business difficult by me, he told us that he would study our charts and let us know on our next visit as to what should be done. As told by him, we went to see him after a week. He told us that there is mismatch between planetary positions between my and my husband’s charts. On her asking, he told that I need to pray for a particular deity, keep fast on certain day of week and have to perform a ritual prayer. Praying for the deity and keeping fast was all fine but for ritual prayer I had to be alone on day and time given by him. He assured that after that everything would be in our favour. My mother in law agreed and asked me to go ahead.

Three days ago as advised by him I went to his place alone in the morning. There were two of his helpers, a male and a female. He asked me if I had followed his advice not to eat anything till ritual was over. On confirmation we started the ritual with him sitting on one side and I opposite to him with helpers sitting little distance behind me. He recited some prayers and lit a fire in a pot close to me. Once the fire got going, he put some material in it. The whole ritual took maybe just about 15 minutes or so. I was feeling dizzy due to fragrance arising out of burning material. He offered me some Prasad and soon after eating that I do not know what came over me. Though I was in senses but had no control over myself. It was as if I was watching everything as a spectator. His helpers guided me to another room where they disrobed me. They made me sit on a bed and left. I was conscious but could not lift even a finger of my own freewill. He came in and undressed. Everything happening was registering in my mind but I could not do anything due to trance like state. He then proceeded to touch me around and rape me. Though I was shocked but did not resist due to my state. I could also feel that there was some movement in the room. It may rather have looked as if I was co-operating in his act. After he left his helpers came in. The woman made me drink something and after a while I felt normal. She told me that I should not say anything about this to anyone or they will circulate video recording they had made in which I appear to be a willing partner. They then told me to dress up and leave, warning me to remember what they had told me about the video. I was in daze and just followed what was told.

The return journey took almost an hour due to congested traffic which gave me time to ponder over what happened. The reality hit me hard that I can not tell anyone about it as firstly no one would believe me and secondly I would face being ostracized which I could not afford for the sake of my daughter. At the same time I very strongly felt that I should not let this scoundrel get away with his heinous and treacherous act. I composed myself and carried on as if all was normal. I am sure there must be some more women who have fallen prey to him. A school friend of mine was tortured by her in laws and she had sought help from a NGO. I got contact of that NGO through her and met the elderly lady who runs it. On hearing my plight she too felt very shocked and angry. She knows high officials in administration and police. She told me that she would consult them confidentially without revealing my identity. I am sure we will find a way to get that blot on the name of humanity brought to book. I will not be able to have mental peace till I see him paying for his dastardly acts.

FACTS OR FICTION ? Part III

This is 3rd of 4 posts, each with different circumstances, I am putting up to bring out how youngsters get into situations without realizing what their actions could lead to. Basically it happens under sense of romantic euphoria and without proper application of mind. This fiction is based on few such cases reported by media. I have put this up as in spite of having heard of such cases and the risks involved, the youngsters still continue to be in secluded places for being together leading to girl having an emotional breakdown if such untoward incident happens.



I am Ruby. I come from a good business family. Ours is joint family with grandparents and 2 uncles with their wives & children. I have an elder sister, younger brother and 5 cousins. I am 21. I had all the love and care right from the time I can remember. I never had to ask for anything twice. My grandparents are so dotting. My grandmother used to tell me stories during my formative years of childhood which always had a lesson to be learnt. This was helpful in my all around growth with morals imbedded in my mind. Though we are a liberal family, we have set of principles which we value. I had gone to a very reputed school and then college. I am quite tall and good looking. I had won Miss School as well as Miss College titles. I have vast number of friends of both genders, some very close. I have set my own limits in friendships. I completed graduation this year and started going to office with my father to help him in his business.

I have known Jeet since childhood as he is son of my father’s close friend and another reputed businessman. He is 3 years my senior. They also are a joint family with number of members. We get along well. He is very well mannered and liked by all of my family. His grandmother spoke to my grandmother and it was decided that we would make a good couple. So we got engaged 3 months ago with marriage slated for November this year. Since we are engaged we could move about alone whenever we wanted to, not that we did not go out earlier but that was mostly in company. This was first time that I felt closeness with a boy. I have been hugged and kissed on cheek by friends but nothing more than that. After a few outings we realized that we have so much common. Even he too has not been really close to any girl. It was a new experience for both, making us little curious to explore. Of course we had vowed that we will save going all the way till after marriage as special treat. As we do not get much privacy at home we after our outings spend some time at relatively secluded places and indulge in smooching and all in the car. He has a SUV.

Early last month he had gone abroad for two weeks on a business trip. Though we kept in touch I felt his absence and was yearning for his company. On his return we went out for lunch and movie on Sunday. After that we wanted to spend some time alone together. He drove towards outskirts of town and we found a side road which did not seem to be much frequented. He drove some distance away from the highway. We got into rear seat after parking the car little away from the road in a dirt track. It was just about sunset time and not yet dark. We got talking and of course little smooching.

We did not realize how much time had passed. Suddenly I felt some movement outside and on looking we found our car surrounded by some men. First thing which came in mind was “Oh God! Not me” as thoughts of news I had read at times of girls being molested at lonely places under similar circumstances. We quickly corrected our messed up appearance. Jeet though nervous was still not in panic. By now one of the men knocked at the window asking us to come out. We had no option as they had Lathis. When we came out one of them who seemed to be the leader asked as to what were we doing. Jeet tried to tell that we are engaged and offered money but this did not cut ice with them. We asked them to forgive us and we would go away never to come back again. This is when I noticed that they all were eying me. There were 8 of them and all seemed to be in twenties or so. I pleaded with folded hands to spare us but they just laughed. One of them passed a lewd comment on me and Jeet took a step towards him. He was grabbed by 2 of them. Another one hit him in stomach with end of his lathi. Jeet doubled up. He was again hit on his hips. I started crying and screaming hysterically. One of them grabbed me from behind putting his hand over my mouth. He was very strong and lifted me off my feet carrying me away into the field. I was kicking my legs and trying to get free. He whispered menacing in my ears that if I struggle it will be worse for me. I saw he was joined by 3 more. Rest of them were with Jeet. One of them told me to undress unless I wanted them to use force thus damaging the clothes. All this time I was crying and pleading for mercy. In the twilight I could make out Jeet sitting on ground with 4 of them surrounding him. He seemed hurt. The one who was holding me released me asking me to hurry up or they would start beating my companion. I had no option but to comply with their demand crying and pleading all the time. That is when the nightmare started. I almost lost my senses as each one of them took turns to ravage me. After what looked like eternity they seemed to have had their fill and brought Jeet where I was lying almost unconscious. They left us together telling that if we try anything they would be back to teach us a lesson. As if to show they meant what they said one of them gave lathi blows to Jeet on the thighs. It was a long time after they left that I could control my sobbing while Jeet was holding me close consoling me. He helped me to dress up and almost carried me to the car. On reaching our car we found that it was past midnight. Our mobiles showed a lot of miss calls from our homes. I was in no condition to call back and was crying continuously. He spoke to his father and told them briefly what had happened.

We drove to highway and waited for someone to arrive. Our parents came after half an hour or so with family lawyer. My mother hugged me consoling me while I could barely hear our lawyer telling me that we need to lodge complaint with police. I was like a zombie. We went to a police station but we had to shuttle between two police stations. I learnt later that they were trying to establish as to under jurisdiction of which police station that area came. Once complaint was registered I was sent for medical check up. All this was so horrifying as the questions asked were so hurting and demeaning. During medical examination I was totally overcome with shame. We got back home next day just before afternoon. I locked myself up in my room crying and feeling so impure. My grandmother forced me to open the door after a while telling if I do not she would get it forced open. She held me close and told me to pull myself together.

I have undergone counseling sessions by psychologists for the past one month and all my family as well as Jeet have been very supportive but still am unable to come to terms. His family too has been comforting me and telling me to forget this as a bad dream. Police rounded up some men and I was asked to identify them. I could do so for 3. I felt so angry when I saw them that I screamed at them. The rest of them were also caught after interrogating these men. The case is now going on. But I am still not at peace with myself and feel I have let my family and Jeet down.

FACTS OR FICTION ? Part II

I am feeling so, what should I say, distressed. I despise myself at what happened. I need to talk to someone but am not sure if my parents or brother will understand me. Even my best friend may not believe me. Let me take it off my mind and see if I can muster courage to seek guidance.

I am Shuchi. I am 22 and working in a multinational company as Sales Co-ordinator. I completed my graduation last year and took up this job. Not that I need it for financial reasons but it was to keep myself gainfully busy, get exposure to work culture and of course financial independence. I am doing MBA in marketing by distant learning. I come from an upper middle class family. Both my parents are working in multinationals at good positions. My elder brother, 3 years my senior , is an engineer with a public sector company. I have had freedom to follow whatever I wished to. My parents have been very liberal and never distinguished between us siblings. I had gone to a reputed co-education school as well as college. I had many good friends from both genders. I was quite free in mixing. I played basket ball and was middle distance runner during school as well as college days. I also play chess. I am fond of good life though not at the cost of studies. I scored very good marks always and made my parents proud.

I came in contact with Tony about 4 months ago in a sales team party for which some of the clients too were invited. He is from a rich business family. He it very tall over 6 footer with good physique which I learnt later is due to being regular at Gym. Somehow we got attracted to each other and started meeting later. He is about 4 years elder and very magnetic person. It was after meeting few times that I realized I had fallen in love with him and he too expressed the same on my asking. We had discussions over a period and decided to tell our parents. His parents were reluctant initially but later relented while my parents though accepting him asked me to exercise caution in my relationship. We started meeting almost daily. We both set limits and agreed to wait for marriage to go all the way. We did have certain amount of physicality as after all being young we do have some feelings.

Yesterday, Saturday was birthday of one of his friends – Bittu whom I had met few times. He invited us to celebrate where some more known persons were expected. We had gone to a famous pub. We were a group of 6 boys and 5 girls. Apart from Bittu and his girlfriend, Malini I did not know others well though had seen them at times. I do not drink except beer and that too occasionally. I accepted beer as the occasion demanded and Tony indicated it would be fine. I saw other girls were also drinking. As we were dancing we lost track of time. My parents had asked me to keep them informed and return by midnight. It was well past midnight. I asked Tony to drop me home but he insisted we stay little longer. So we decided to call my parents that I would be staying at my friends place for the night. Malini spoke to my parents seeking their permission to let me stay at her place. We continued dancing and as it was tiring I had maybe 3 glasses of beer. We left pub after 1’O clock. Tony told me that we would stay with Bittu, Malini and another boy, Gary in his company flat for guests which was close by. I did not feel it unacceptable as we were all little high and thought long drive would be risky. Presence of another girl too made me feel comfortable.

It was a cozy flat of 3 bedrooms and comfortably furnished with all amenities. Once in Gary said why not to continue with party for a while more. As we were all in mood for some more fun we all said yes. Tony put on music and we started dancing. Tony laid out drinks and eatables on the dinning table. On insistence by Malini I accepted beer. Lights were dimmed. I seemed such a happy dream to me, may be beer affect. As we were only 2 girls we all danced in a way to keep Gary feel part of dance. We continued dancing and took swigs of our drinks to keep thirst quenched. I must have had at least 4 or 5 glasses of beer as I was feeling full of joy and on top of the world. We sat down as we all felt tired. We were exchanging small talk while Tony was refilling everyone’s glass. I too continued having beer without being conscious about it. Tony sat next to me after filling glasses. He put his arm around me. Somehow our talk got around to sex. I think it was Malini who brought up High Court judgment regarding gays and lesbians. Thereafter everyone started telling freely about own experiences. When I was asked to tell about myself I in that bonhomie attitude spoke freely like others. I am no saint and have had my share of fun but within limits. I spoke about an incident which still makes me shiver. I told them when I was 10 how a neighbor used to feel me around whenever we happened to be alone. Tony had his arm over my shoulders and Malini moved next to me. When I finished she whispered how tense I was and hugged me close. Everyone hugged me close. I was feeling quite worked up by closeness of Tony.

We broke up soon after that to sleep. Bittu & Malini and Tony & me took one bedroom each leaving third for Gary. Once in the room we hugged each other and kissed while we lay in bed. I was quite high and feeling as if I was floating on clouds thus what followed is hazy which I am trying to reconstruct now. We were feeling little uncomfortable and on his suggestion we both took off jeans. Then I think our physical hunger took over and one thing followed other culminating in our making love. I drifted off to sleep which was more of a drunken stupor due to lots of beer. Sometime later I felt him touching me around and he again made love to me. But somehow his body felt different. It seems like a dream but I think he was Gary as Tony lay next to me. I was drifting in and out of deep sleep. I could not move around much as it seemed our bed was too crowded. I woke up a while ago and was so stunned to find myself nude amidst tangle of other’s bodies in the similar state. They were all asleep as if dead.

I am now sitting in the loo and thinking what & why. What do I do now? Why did I let this happen? Was it planned this way? What will Tony say now? Is he a party to all this? How will I face my parents who gave me so much of liberty? Above all how will I face myself too? I am trying to find answers.


NOTE : Though again it is fiction but could be reality too. This is my attempt to show how youngsters can get into such situations without realizing what they are heading for.

FACTS OR FICTION ?

I am sitting at my favorite spot, in small balcony attached to my bedroom facing rear of our 12 floor building. We live on the 10th floor. There is hardly anyone to be seen below as it faces a park beyond the boundary wall. This is where I come and go over many things which trouble my mind to sort them out. As usual I sit here for this only at night and it is almost midnight now. Today I have a major issue to be given thought to and decide my future action. Oh, I have not introduced myself. Let me start from beginning.

My name is Richa. I am going to be 18 this month and have passed my 12th. I have joined college recently. I am from a well to do family. My parents have this flat and my grandparents are with us. My uncles, two of them, stay in flats next to us. So it is like a joint family as most of the times we all are together. I was born first and then my younger brother, little over 6 years my junior, arrived. As far as I can remember my father did not have much time for me during my childhood. Even when I went to school he never asked how was I doing. My mother too did not have very close relation with me. My grandmother always was scolding me for something or the other. Only my grandfather showed some concern for me. He used to take me to school and bring me back too till I reached 6th standard. Thereafter I used to go with other girls from the same locality as the school was not very far off. I saw my father giving so much attention to my brother right from his birth. Even my mother and grandmother used to always be by his side and listen to all his demands when he started making them. I never understood the reasons but only once I grew up and realized that different treatment between us siblings was as I am a girl and he is a boy. Let me not say too much of this as I would like to get to the main point. This is just to give you little of my background. I was denied of many little joys of life in childhood. One of my uncles has 1 son while other has 2 sons and my cousins too did not mix well with me though we had very little age difference. It seems that I was not acceptable being a girl. I was asked to share house hold chores and never encouraged to go out to meet friends or play while all the boys had all the liberties. Inspite of being in a house full of relations I felt so lonely.

Rakesh who is son of my Chachi’s ( uncle’s wife ) brother came over to this city about two years ago as management trainee in one of the companies. He is about 4 years elder to me. He is staying in a working boys’ hostel and visits us on week ends. He after a couple of months somehow noticed my loneliness and showed sympathy. I liked his behavior and concern towards me. He tried to involve me in games which boys used to play in the house but found that others were not keen at all. About a year ago when school got over I found him at the gate of our school. He told me that he was around this side and thought of walking me home. I felt happy as that day I did not have any company. On the way he told me about his life till then and conveyed that he would like to see me happy. On reaching home he told me to go ahead and not to tell anyone we came together as he felt it will not be taken kindly. I too felt the same. This walk back was repeated a few times. Then one day he told me that he would like to spend some time with me and understand why I seem so unhappy most of the times. On my telling that we may talk when he is home, he told that did I not notice that whenever we are together at home we are under watch all the time. On reflection I realized that it was true as whenever we were alone even for a moment my grandmother or mother or aunt used to come over. He suggested that as I was in 12th I should join extra coaching classes after school which were held in the school itself. These classes were for 2 hours but most of the times took little longer. There was some resistance at home mainly from my father but finally I was allowed.

He started meeting me after these extra classes and we used to spend about half an hour or so together. He used to praise me for my good behavior and good marks in examinations. We went to some small restaurant a few times and had some cold drinks etc. I started liking his company. At times we just sat in a park eating bhel puri or something likewise. I used to dream of time spent with him and looked forward to it. Once my preparatory holidays started it was only for special classes that I used to go , thus enabling me to meet him often. During examinations we met few times only. Then we could not meet as I was not allowed to go out of house without someone or the other going with me. This made me long for his company. He too on visits used to give me sad looks without saying anything. Once my college started we met during my free periods.

One day he took me to his friend’s house. His friend was there but left to bring something to eat. While we were there he told me that he has fallen in love with me. He knelt down infront of me while saying so. He held my hand and kissed it. I was so surprised and overwhelmed by feeling of happiness. He got up and hugged me asking if I too loved him. I told him yes. Thereafter it became a practice to go there. His friend was staying alone in that house and used to go out on some pretext or the other when we got there. I started liking his holding me close and when he kissed me few days later I did not resent. His hugging and kisses used to raise a tingling sensation in me. Not to go into intimate details, one thing led to another. We started indulging in feeling each other. His forbidden touches used to send shivers down. He coaxed me to partially undress. I did not offer much resistance as I felt he truly loved me and I too had so much of love for him. A fortnight ago we crossed all limits before I could gain my self control we ended up going all the way. After what happened I cried but he consoled me that we are in love and it is normal when two persons love each other so much. I could not sleep that night fearing what if someone came to know or if I became pregnant. Next day when I told him my fears he laughed telling me while he pulled me into his arms not to fear as he will always be with me. We ended up repeating our act again. I will be honest, after initial pain I did like it. So I was not very hesitant that day. We have done it a few times and I feel so attached to him.

Lately I felt little change in his attitude. I asked him if there was anything to which he replied in negative. I also asked him if we should tell our parents that we wish to get married. He told me that though he deeply loves me he can not think of marriage till he settles down with proper job. However he insisted that we should continue our relation as we love each other so much. I do not wish to continue in this manner. This is causing so much of stress what if we are discovered. I feel so used and do not know what to do. I feel like jumping off the balcony now but it would bring bad name to my family. I do not know how long will it take for me to come to any decision as on one hand I deeply love him while on the other hand I am not keen at all to continue in this manner. I am really in a dilemma.


NOTE : Though it is fiction but could be reality too. This is my attempt to show how youngsters due to some perceived reason or the other get into such situations without realizing the emotional aspects or letting their conscience guide them.

DO WE HAVE RIGHT FOR THIS?

Note : I am sorry I may be irregular for a while or may not give proper comments. Joey, our male Cocker Spaniel who was just 3 years 5 months old passed away at about 11:30 pm last night after being unwell for just 2 days. I have been looking after them for everything from taking them out to feeding and playing. Though Zuby is there but I miss him a lot. So does she and now I have to see that she does not go into depression. 02 Sep 2009


You must have read in almost all newspapers remembrances inserted by people showing how much they miss their departed near & dear ones. These are mostly in language showing unlimited love and on death anniversary or birthday.

During days of “ Shradhs “ which is a period of a few days twice a year as per Hindu calender when homage and respects are paid to departed ancestors - mainly parents and grandparents. We remember them, pray for them and offer them feast of what they relished. Some even give clothes also. How does this offering reach them? We call a priest and treat him to these delicacies or take it to him. This is our way of showing our gratitude.

It is all very fine to publicly show our gratitude or how much we miss them but what comes to my mind is that did we take care of them or make them happy in the twilight years of their life? Did we see to their comforts? Do we remember them on days of the year other than this period or on death anniversary? If not, do we deserve to make a show of our gratitude now that they are no more?


NOTE : I had posted this last year end in my o3.indiatimes.com space. Almost 3 weeks ago I made some changes to post it here but was lazy. I was so moved while reading a poem “Rocking in my Armchair Alone” written by Juhi, a young girl of 16 sorry 14 and that worked like catalyst to make me post it today itself. Kindly do visit her and encourage at

staryeyedandscreeming.blogspot.com

HAPPY AND TENSION FREE LIFE

I consider myself very lucky to have got to this space. It gives me a lot of not only pleasure but also insight into what is today's way of thinking when I read so many blogs. I comment on many and at times I have annoyed the writer. I have written a few. My this post is inspired by a girl who was my colleague, much younger to me but we share a very good human relation. She is level headed and very clear about her ideas. I feel responsible for her as elder. She asked me why have not written on personal relationships. I write not only here but articles which get published sometimes. So this is to keep my promise to her.
As you get on in years you tend to become a preacher saying do this or do that because it is good for you. I used to hate such sermons from my seniors and resolved that I will always share my experience with youngsters and let them choose their path. I have maintained this with my both children also and am proud that they can take decisions without any outside help by proper application of mind.
Today I am sharing with you what I feel is key to a happy, peaceful and simple life. If one follows these principles chances of one leading a tension free life are bright, be it in office or at home or in social life.
First one is TWO WAY COMMUNICATION. Most of our problems at office or home are as we think of someone doing wrong to us. Be it with Boss, Mother in law – Daughter in Law, Husband - Wife, Sisters in Law ete etc. Instead of talking it out amicably and logically with concerned person we tend to bottle up fueling up our emotions leading to thinking of things which may not even have happened. Only way to resolve such situations is to TALK IT OUT with concerned person in private without show of tempers but in polite way. This brings us to second principle
OPEN MIND. When you talk to someone to resolve issues donot go with preconceived ideas. Let mind be clear and blank. Start discussion without any perceived wrong or grouse. This way you may be able to follow other's way of thinking also. This could also be called POSITIVE APPROACH to resolve an issue and not to complicate it with your biased thoughts.
Third is ADAPTABILITY. One should be able to adapt to changed circumstances. When you take up a job, the reporting head may be a person much younger or less experienced than you but you have to give the devil his / her due as he / she is the BOSS. Not that you do away with your values but see how best you can stick to them. A girl after marriage goes to new family and unless she starts considering that to be HER FAMILY there will be problems galore. She has to start a new life and it is HER HOME where she is an important member.
GIVE CREDIT TO THOSE WHO DESERVE. Do not hog all praise for job well done or pass blame for failure. Share it alike with those who are responsible.
Then last but not the least is FEEDBACK. It is very important to give feedback to concerned persons, be it senior or subordinates or even family members. If you have done something after due discussion it is expected that you share what has happened with those connected to it.
These are a few things which come to my mind but I am sure there are many more like politeness, being approachable etc etc. I invite you all to share your views and make us more positive to lead a happy, peaceful and simple life.

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM ( UPDATED )

After 3 serious posts I think it is time now for a little humour. So with Independence Day knocking at the door what could be better than to give HUMOUR IN UNIFORM. I have pepped up true incidents a little but facts have not been altered.

A 2 star General during his visits to an Army unit based at high altitude which was mostly snow bound used to complain to Unit commander that the biscuits they offer with tea were soggy. So the unit commander requested helicopter pilots who used to fly the General to bring fresh stock of biscuits on next visit. It was done. The General showed happiness on picking up the biscuit saying “ Oh, so crisp ” then proceeded to dip it in tea before eating it.



A drill instructor was reputed to keep his soldiers under tight control on parade ground. One day while supervising some soldiers on parade he shouted “ Mohan, don’t slouch, brace up and chest out ”. On being told that Mohan was on leave he said “ I know. That useless, lazy b****r is slouching at home also ”.


A local dignitary visited Air Force Base in his area to acquaint himself with working and life of Air Force personnel. A young Air Force Officer was detailed to escort him around. While watching Fighter aircraft taking off the visiting dignitary exclaimed “ Oh, how fast they go ”. His Air Force escort who was quite fed up with his silly comments said with a straight face “ So would you, sir if your backside was on fire ”.


A Naval ship docked for few days at a wayside port after long voyage. A sailor who happened to be from a closeby town requested for shore leave to go and see his wife. He was allowed one day leave. He returned after 3 days. He was marched to Ship Commander. On being asked about his overstayal of leave, he replied “ Sir, it took two days for my uniform to dry up ”. The Commander told him that it did not rain. Sailor replied “ I know, Sir. But when I reached home my wife was in bath ”.

After reading comment by M, I promised her that I will update this post with another one which I hope would complete the process of making her fall off the chair with laughter. This too relates to Uniform but of different kind – of Merchant Navy. So here it goes

A luxury merchant ship returned to mother port after almost a year long voyage ferrying people from different places for dream vacations. As per custom, the Captain of the ship was at the head of gangway when passenger were disembarking. He was puzzled to see a beautiful young woman at the dock waving both arms and shouting EF. On looking towards deck above he saw one of his junior officers too waving and shouting FF. After all passengers got off, it was turn of crew to go. When that young officer was near him, the Captain asked what was the matter. Youngman replies little shyly that she was his wife whom he would be meeting after all these months at sea and she was telling him that let us eat first.

SUCCUMBING TO CORRUPTION

I hung up my uniform voluntarily after having donned it for more than 22 years, not counting the training period. Having stayed in Defence area most of this period we were used to well maintained and regulated infrastructure. Shifting to DDA complex was first exposure to how short sighted those in planning can be. That was in 1991 and what I felt at that time has been proved true over and over. Large number of flats were constructed on rocky terrain - part of Aravalis range. It is fine to construct building and roads but what about the other needs? Water was in short supply even then, though not acute considering low occupancy at that time. The authorities should have taken that into account and taken steps to rectify it. But instead of that they went ahead with mushrooming of Malls, shopping complexes, a 5star hotel and couple of hospitals not to speak about unauthorized shopping / recreational outlets which would need more water. Don’t you think blasting of rocks, cutting tree & shrubbery for making level space to construct buildings / roads leads to environmental damage? Scooter garages are provided for flats on first floor and above. Now with occupancy almost more than 95% there is lack of space to park cars in the residential areas. This has led to eating up of green belt or small parks to provide space for car parking. And as expected water shortage became a daily feature. It is nice of Delhi Jal Board to supply water in tankers on request as emergency measure but is that a permanent solution? This is what brings me to the title of this post.

As the supply of water does not have enough pressure to reach the tanks provided at the top of buildings all residents have got water storage tanks on ground level outside the building or even in scooter garages, some have even buried it in ground to get whatever additional water possible. So we all check water available in the ground level tanks and then pump it up to roof tanks. Here comes the crunch. Water pressure during supply time depends upon location of building – comparatively higher level or low area in respect to water boosting station. Our flat though on ground floor receives less supply by virtue of being at higher level. So we need to request for emergency supply by tanker once in 7 – 10 days. Private suppliers charge Rs 150 for filling 1000 ltr storage tank. We make our request to DJB complaint office in the morning of the day we need water, mostly by visiting their office as their telephone is perpetually busy. After following it up number of times either telephonically or by visiting personally we used to get tanker supply for about 90% times. This caused a lot of tension or burden on me. Our DIL ( Daughter in law ) to make me worry free found a short cut which she came to know from other residents that if you pay Rs 50 to the DJB tanker driver he would supply 2 tanks of water even without having made request in the morning. When I learnt about it I put my foot down as I term this as corruption and depriving legitimate supply to someone who has made request. Thereafter we felt the pinch. Our requests were fulfilled not more than 60% of times inspite of rigorous follow ups thus making us resort to private supplier paying from our pocket. This put a lot of strain on me, physically as well as financially. A stage has now come that I am at the wits end for not being able to get water even by running around for legitimate demand and inspite of contacting higher authorities. This has lead to me getting tempted to give Rs 50 to the driver and have assured supply of water whenever we need it.

What do you all feel about it?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

These two are old posts which I had put up at my o3 space. I am reproducing these here with updates for your views.

Who am I?
When I retruned from office on a Saturday evening I told my family that next day I am taking them out for lunch to celebrate my promotion. All of them were very happy and eager to go out next day. We had dinner and as usual I took dogs for walk before going to bed at about 10:30 pm. While drifting off to sleep I was thinking of where to go and what all to order. I went to sleep in happy mode. It was at about 3 am that I felt little uneasy and in the next 3 hours I visited toilet at least 5 times to be sick or clear upset tummy each time. It was food poisoning. By morning I was so down that I could not get out of bed. I just lay there the whole day floating between disturbed sleep or dazed wakefulness. I could not bring myself to take anything even water. It was during this state my mind kept asking me WHO AM I? Not in filmy style “ Mein kaun hoon or mein kahan hoon” but in reality. Ok, I as per my own thinking am an important cog in the wheel called family or even organisation I work for but can I control my own time? Can I do what I plan? The answer was NO. I realized that there is someone who is much stronger than me which controls my moments. We may call it Force or Nature. This is what makes things happen in my life or for that matter in anyone’s life. I remembered an incident which happened years ago. On a Sunday lot of visitors had gone to Qutab Minar to have an outing. Those days it was allowed to go up the Minar. There were a lot of persons who were going up or coming down the stairs. At that time some reckless prankster shouted “ Saanp, Saanp ( Snake, Snake ) ”. There was a melee and in that stampede few lives were lost and many more injured. Now is it not that Force or Nature which brought them there that day? Some of you may say it was their destiny. But what made that destiny? Is it not that Force or Nature? We define this Force or Nature as God and call it by different names. We offer prayers in different ways to God we believe in. While we pray in our manner we also tend to look down upon those who do so differently. Do we have right to do so? Is that Force or Nature whom we refer as God in our own ways not only ONE but worshipped in many different ways? I realized that I am nothing but a mere speck on the big canvas called Universe. If all of us specks are in harmony it is a BEAUTIFUL PICTURE but if we are not so then it is a BIG UGLY JUMBLE OF SPECKS. I realized that as a speck who wants to be a part of BEAUTIFUL PICTURE it is my duty to spread love and tolerance to other specks around me. I felt that those who spread hatred or spit fire for killing actually are those who are unsure of themselves, are not confident about the way they pray, do not see the God they believe in as actual reality. Does God , no matter how or in what way we pray, ever tell us to hate someone or kill someone in God’s name? Should we all not answer this question honestly - “WHO AM I?”


EGO
This may be called a sequel to my last post. We all have egos. Some of us can control it and some let it control us. Those who fall in the later category believe in their larger than life image as per their perception. They feel nothing can go against their wishes or dictats. What happens when their egos get pricked? They go beyond reasoning. Two recent news items come to my mind. Not casting aspertions on anyone I just wish that we all try and understand what happened or could have happened. First is that Kolkata case involving a rich businessman and second is Hyderabad case of famous filmstar. In both these cases the main persons were so involved in pursueing their passion boosted by their egos, one for making money and other to retain his fame, that they had no time to interact with their children as fathers. If they had been close to them, they would have known what is in store. So when what happened happened their egos were pricked? So what is the result? Events that followed point to erratic behavior on their part. Fortunately second case finally had amicably ending.

EQUALITY AT WORK PLACE

It was distressing to read news of a Lady Officer of Army having been awarded punishment of dismissal by Court Martial. It was also stated that this is the first time a Lady Officer of Army has been awarded this punishment while earlier an IAF Lady Officer too had been similarly dismissed. What is more painful is that in both these cases offences apart from disobedience of lawful command etc included making false allegation of harassment against their superior officers. Being an ex-Defence Officer this set me thinking what could be the malady. Even in earlier times there was a tendency that any officer or for that matter even other ranks when facing any disciplinary action used to make allegations of discrimination against their superiors. Now with induction of women in the Armed Forces such allegations have taken shape of sexual harassment also apart from discrimination. During my service career I had been advocating for induction of women into Armed Forces which materialized some time in early 1990s. I had taken premature retirement in 1991 and though I kept in touch with my friends in service I would not be able to say with conviction the kind of atmosphere which was there after women joined Services. We during the rigorous pre-commissioning training are also shaped to be gentlemen. But there are always some black sheep in every group. There is no denial that wherever we have men and women as co- workers there are chances of sexual advances or harassment not only in India but even in advanced countries.

Armed Forces had been MALES ONLY citadel till recently with exception of Lady Officers being inducted in the Medical branch. After opening up doors to women to join Armed Forces as officers in branches other than combat there was distinct possibility of curiosity and condescending attitude more than resentment by male colleagues. Here I would also like to state without casting aspersion on anyone that women by virtue of their nature do like attention of men to a certain degree. Lady Officers form a small %age in a largely male dominated Forces. Thus it is natural that they do get some amount of extra attention. Now what could be the remedy for such situation. It has to be two fold - for men and for women. And it is applicable not only to Armed Forces but all spheres where we have men and women as co-workers.

There is a need for code of conduct for men as well as women. Taking up men first, they need to be sensitized to accept women as co-workers only without gender consideration. It is easier said than done as most of the men would be with background of male dominated society, be it education or home. A large %age of our population lives in semi urban and rural areas where inter-mixing of both genders is very limited if not totally non existent. Thus curiosity towards women when working in close proximity will always be there. In my opinion we need to have supervised exposure of men from early childhood itself towards girls. It could be by having co-educational schools and colleges. There could be events during school / college days where both genders carry out tasks together eg declamation contests / debates, dramas, sports, Scouts / NCC camps and other competitive activities. Of course segregation for living whenever in a camp or away from home will be required and that is where school / college administration needs to be efficient. Proper counseling by trained / experienced persons on frequent basis is a must. Parents too will need to be more of friendly guides than stern parents. They should encourage children to discuss their curiosities and doubts freely. This would ensure that at later stage women colleagues are not looked at as something strange as well as women too will feel confident to work shoulder to shoulder with men. It will not ensure total eradication of sexual harassment chances but it will reduce these to a large extent, Western countries are an example. I do not in any way suggest that we ape West but we need to adopt good points mixed with our own value system where parents and teachers play the most important role of shaping future generation who would have sense of equality. Till we can train future generation of workers in this manner we need to have regular counseling sessions for both working men and women.

Now for working women, there is a need for them also to realize that they are equal to men as far as working conditions are concerned. They should not expect or encourage undue favours. They should shoulder their responsibilities with utmost diligence. They also need to be aware not to generate undue interest by their behavior or conduct. Everyone - men or women, have basic right to live the way they like to as long as they do not cause harm or hurt to anyone. At the same time there are some basic norms which need to be addressed in the right spirit. It is not my intention to lay down any dress code but they should themselves see that they dress as occasion demands. In a meeting or party a woman wearing too much of clothing or too little will draw glances. Make up and jewelry should not be too loud. A woman giving presentation while wearing very large dangling earrings will distract attention from her subject with frequent movement of the same. My idea is not to put blame on anyone but just to say that moderation in all spheres needs to be exercised by both men and women. And it is upto a woman to keep unwanted male attention at bay by being frank to tell such person firmly. If he still persists then matter could be reported to higher authorities.

We surely need to treat both men and women as equals in any work sphere.

Bye Bye June, Welcome July

Let us bid adieu to June hot days and welcome July rains with a smile :


Wife called up her husband in office “ Darling, our car is just not starting.”
Husband, with his mind in work “ What seems to be the problem? ”
Wife “ I think there is water in the carburetor. ”
Husband “ OK, where is the car now? ”
Wife “ In our swimming pool. ”



Two cars collided at an intersection around midnight as both the drivers seemed to be in hurry to get to their destinations. Though the cars suffered extensive damage both the drivers were lucky to come out without any injury except being shell shocked. One of them, who was lawyer, looked at the cars and said “ How lucky we are to be alive. ” The other, a doctor, replied in shaken voice “ Yes, looking at the damage no one will believe we are alive.” The lawyer pulled out a bottle of whiskey from his car, unscrewed it and offered to doctor “ Let us have a swig to soothe our nerves.” The doctor took the bottle with shaking hands and took a gulp. As he offered it back, lawyer told him “ Have another good one, you seem to need it.” The doctor took one more and handed the bottle back. On seeing the lawyer putting the cap back he asked “ Are you not going to have one? ” The lawyer said “ I will wait till police arrives.”


Once a very very rich man wanted to start some charitable institution. He along with some other board members was interviewing people for CEO’s job.
He asked first candidate who was a teacher “ What is 2 plus 2 ? ” The teacher looked surprised and answered “ 4 ”.
Next candidate was a statistician. For the same question he replied “ As majority of persons in a survey would say 4, so it should be 4. ”
Next was a philosopher who after pondering over the question for a while scratching his head replied “ I think it would be somewhere between 3.9 and 4.1” .
Next was a Chartered Accountant who on hearing the question signaled them all to be quiet. He got up went to the door, peered outside, closed the door, went to window and shut it. On coming back he whispered “ What do you want it to be? ”


Liz came back home on Monday after having been away for Sunday to visit her ailing mother. On asking her 4 years old son if all was ok in her absence. He said “ Yes, dad took care of everything well and in the afternoon when I was sleeping I heard some noise in dad’s room. On peering inside I saw him and Jill aunt doing …” . At this point she told him to be quiet and tell all when she asks later. When her husband returned from work in the evening, she called the boy asking him to tell what he was saying in the morning. The boys said “ Yes, dad took care of everything well and in the afternoon when I was sleeping I heard some noise in dad’s room. On peering inside I saw him and Jill aunt doing what you did with Tom uncle when dad was away for few days.”

Teaching a child

Our granddaughter had been given assignment for vacations to draw lessons from some incidents in the life of elders. She asked me for some and I narrated 2. I am giving below what this young one of 7 & ½ years typed on my PC :


An Incident in my nana’s life

My nana was in the third standard those days there were wooden slates called takhti one day in the recess my nana forgot his takhti when he reached the school then he remembered that he has forgotten his takhti he said I will make a story when he reached the class the teacher asked where is your takhti my nana told there were some bad boys they took my takhti the teacher asked some other boys who used to go with my nana they said no he did not bring his takhti when the teacher came to the class he asked where is your takhti my nana again made a story the bad boys took my takhti no you are telling a lie have you forgotten your takhti yes I have forgotten my takhti so the teacher made my nana stand out of the class the whole period


Moral : Never tell lie.





An Incident in my nana’s life


When my nana was in sixth standard and when my nana was having holidays and my nana went to his nana and nani house and my nana kept playing the whole day and he could not finish his homework when he went back he tried to finish his homework but he could not finish when he went to school the teacher said you have not finished the homework the teacher gave him two days to complete his homework and my nana had to sit late in the night and do his homework


Moral : One should do work first and play later.


PS : Out of my 17 friends who visit me regularly and I do visit some of them but for others I have NO LINK. I would like to visit them too. May I request you to kindly let me know your link so I can have the pleasure of visiting you too. Thanks