Some time ago I attended a seminar on Domestic Violence organized by a reputed NGO. There were a number of speakers and a lot of question were put up by attendees. Most of the speakers explained about the law provisions and some linked it with case histories. Two of them offered some concrete suggestions on how to curb this menace. This set me thinking that if we could understand basic causes which lead to domestic discord resulting in violence at times we may be able to curb this evil to a large extent. What I will try to project are expectations of each person involved making up a family and I will also say what should each one do to have expectations fulfilled. My writing is based on my own experience as son, husband, son-in-law, father, father-in-law of daughter’s husband & son’s wife apart from what I have observed in the society. And what I am going to say is applicable to present trends of our society which are strongly contested by a couple of young ladies who wish to see changes and I agree with them that we do need to change some of our age old customs as per changing times. What I say is for majority, exceptions are always there.
I have been working on this for almost a couple of weeks but have not been able to complete it. So I am going to post in 3 parts with first one from point of view of husband, second from wife and last from parents of boy as well as girl. Here is the first part :
A man gets married to basically settle down in life, to have peaceful & comfortable home with someone to come to after hard day’s work, to have a family, have someone share his responsibilities and to have a soul mate with whom to share his happiness, thoughts & dreams. Physicality too is a major attraction.
To have above, he has to understand that his wife whom he may have known for years has left known safe environments and moved to his place with her dreams. It is only when you live together 7 X 24 that you truly get to know each other. There will definitely be some differences as two individuals have own personalities. If they are living in a joint family this aspect is more prominent as there are other members of family too with whom there may be some mutual differences. This is where maturity of husband is tested as he has to give support to his wife to overcome her fears and weaknesses. He has to understand her dreams and work for those which are relevant in the situation. He has to have patience. Not that I did not lose temper in the initial years of marriage but realized it over a period of time that it is futile to be angry as then logic goes out of mind. We had lived away from family as my job demanded that. In a joint family he has to give sufficient time to parents and siblings if staying together but without neglecting his wife. He has to make her understand that parents / siblings have their place while she has her own. He needs to see that she becomes a important part of the family and seek support of his parents / siblings to ensure that. There is likelihood of misunderstandings between his mother / sister and wife. He has to be unbiased to ensure that he must explain to the person who is wrong and why so. He has to shoulder dual role. If he expects her to respect him and his family he must give due respect to her and her space too and see that his family too does the same. He needs to share household chores, specially so if she is also working. He must show respect to her parents and regard to other relatives just as he would like her to do for his own. There should never be a time when he ridicules or belittles her on any matter. And last but not the least there should be no dowry demanded at all.
I feel this may be good start for having a happy HOME.