Friday, October 23, 2009

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART I

Some time ago I attended a seminar on Domestic Violence organized by a reputed NGO. There were a number of speakers and a lot of question were put up by attendees. Most of the speakers explained about the law provisions and some linked it with case histories. Two of them offered some concrete suggestions on how to curb this menace. This set me thinking that if we could understand basic causes which lead to domestic discord resulting in violence at times we may be able to curb this evil to a large extent. What I will try to project are expectations of each person involved making up a family and I will also say what should each one do to have expectations fulfilled. My writing is based on my own experience as son, husband, son-in-law, father, father-in-law of daughter’s husband & son’s wife apart from what I have observed in the society. And what I am going to say is applicable to present trends of our society which are strongly contested by a couple of young ladies who wish to see changes and I agree with them that we do need to change some of our age old customs as per changing times. What I say is for majority, exceptions are always there.

I have been working on this for almost a couple of weeks but have not been able to complete it. So I am going to post in 3 parts with first one from point of view of husband, second from wife and last from parents of boy as well as girl. Here is the first part :

HUSBAND

A man gets married to basically settle down in life, to have peaceful & comfortable home with someone to come to after hard day’s work, to have a family, have someone share his responsibilities and to have a soul mate with whom to share his happiness, thoughts & dreams. Physicality too is a major attraction.

To have above, he has to understand that his wife whom he may have known for years has left known safe environments and moved to his place with her dreams. It is only when you live together 7 X 24 that you truly get to know each other. There will definitely be some differences as two individuals have own personalities. If they are living in a joint family this aspect is more prominent as there are other members of family too with whom there may be some mutual differences. This is where maturity of husband is tested as he has to give support to his wife to overcome her fears and weaknesses. He has to understand her dreams and work for those which are relevant in the situation. He has to have patience. Not that I did not lose temper in the initial years of marriage but realized it over a period of time that it is futile to be angry as then logic goes out of mind. We had lived away from family as my job demanded that. In a joint family he has to give sufficient time to parents and siblings if staying together but without neglecting his wife. He has to make her understand that parents / siblings have their place while she has her own. He needs to see that she becomes a important part of the family and seek support of his parents / siblings to ensure that. There is likelihood of misunderstandings between his mother / sister and wife. He has to be unbiased to ensure that he must explain to the person who is wrong and why so. He has to shoulder dual role. If he expects her to respect him and his family he must give due respect to her and her space too and see that his family too does the same. He needs to share household chores, specially so if she is also working. He must show respect to her parents and regard to other relatives just as he would like her to do for his own. There should never be a time when he ridicules or belittles her on any matter. And last but not the least there should be no dowry demanded at all.

I feel this may be good start for having a happy HOME.

23 comments:

Amrita said...

Waiting for the forth coming parts since you who has seen life from so many different perspectives is in a good position to write on them....
And yes the thing you said about husbands is very correct... I think you covered all the points and expectations, there is nothing more that is generally expected in a normal household.

in search of ...... said...

i feel srry for myself as to wht make me not to read ur blog even though it crossed so many times in my mind tht here is a person frm whom i can learn alot....neways as we say bttr late thn never....

Miss Always Carried Away said...

Jack you're very intelligent man. I really admire you. It would be amazing to have a husband from your description.
Nowadays people don't try that hard, they give up quickly and marriage vows goes away... it's sad. People get married from wrong reasons and it destroys marriage and the beauty of having someone. Every single future husband should read your post.

preeti said...

This post made me think: I wanna marry a guy , a clone of you, who shares your thoughts :))

Being Pramoda... said...

Hi uncle,

Firstly thanks for starting this series..awaiting this post frm u since long..:)

U were soo good in the last paragraph abt how a husband should be..i agree with u in that.

for the first five-six lines abt husband, i would like to add somelines:

Irrespective of whether is is a man or a woman, he/she should also wish to marry, to help their solemates in reaching their dreams and they should also encourage their betterhalf proudly.

the marriage may not only for the enjoyment of having home,family, children, but it should also be done to aquuaire the enjoyment of encouraging, enjoyment of loving each others success,and also for the enjoyment of mutual understanding...

am looking forward for ur next parts..hope to get them soon..:)

Have a nice time...

Meghna said...

Interesting read Jack...waiting for the rest of the parts :)

Jack said...

AMRITA :

Thanks for your supportive comments. I am trying to post next one asap. Take care


IN SEARCH OF..... :

Welcome to my space. Hope you read some of my older posts too. Looking for your views and of course, regular visits. Take care


M A C A :

What I said is the ideal situation. But even if more than half of these are met it will lead to happiness. Take care


PREETI :

What I said is out of experience and I have admitted that I too was not perfect in the beginning. May you get a real supportive soul mate. Take care


PRAMODA :

Thanks for additions. It is so nice of you. I will try to put up next on asap. Take care


MEGHNA :

So nice to see you here. I will try not to make you wait for too long. Take care

Cursed♪♫ said...

You've got such amazing thoughts in your mind! I mean it.
You seem to be such a patient person!
:D

Heavenly Muse said...

i guess...the extent of mutual patience and tolerance is getting decreased and it is the great enemy of relationsip..

sulagna chatterjee said...

hi Jack..you know what??its a great feeling to know we are in a world where nice people like you exist :)

by the way i have tagged you in my new post :)

Sparkling said...

When you said domestic violence I was thinking on another level altogether - like the drunk husband, like the unemployed hubby or abusive wife. Anyway...

I'll wait to read the other parts.

Starry-eyed nut said...

nice one...waiting for the rest

sulagna chatterjee said...

hi Jack,there is a little award waiting for you :)

Jack said...

JUHI :

If by my these posts some couples can have happy life it will give me a lot of satisfaction. Take care


H M :

Very true. Patience is one virtue which is fading away due to rush of life. Take care


SULAGNA :

I am feeling little shy now. My basic idea was to let youngsters know that they can have smooth life with just a little effort on part of each partner. Take care

PS : I will take up tag in a few days. I may not be able to visit you as my PC is not working and I have borrowed laptop from our son for a while.


SPARKLING :

Even in the case of drunk or abusive husband one should look at the cause of behaviour. I will be posting next part may be tomorrow. Take care


ABHILASHA :

Nice to see you here. I am trying my best to post next part tomorrow but I want to do justice. Take care

Lavender said...

Very True, but the real question- how many men think like you?
At the end of the day all Indian men have fixed perspectives on how their wives are supposed to be and she is supposed to be the self-sacrificing one.
Worst of all say a word against the mother and you've had it.

Americanising Desi said...

i really am glad i came here tonite :)
and i think you excelled everything hence your experiences are all eye openers for us!

you make me wanna think on intelligent lines.

Tongue-fu Lady said...

Hey Jack,
Sorry m late..was away at work..
so, such guys actually exist? unlike superman n santa claus n d easter bunny? or are they from another dimension? :P no wonder if a guy follows what u just said, he may turn out 2 b the "perfect man", but then again its so surreal.

Jack said...

LAVENDER :

I agree it is very difficult to find a man with all these qualities but if someone has majority of these will he not be fine? Also please do read the next 2 parts. Take care


A D :

Nice to see you here. Looking for your views on next parts too. Take care


T -f L :

I will give comprehenssive reply with your comment on my next post. Take care

~ Dip ~ said...

i TOTALLY agree with everything

and i feel for men... they have to be very responsible and mature .. and have to balance a lot of things... while slogging all day at office. its not easy at all, its very challenging... and that tests a man. and these are the basic things required for a peaceful atmosphere at home... which is so important

Americanising Desi said...

i think if i get a chance to remarry i will make my hubby read this :)

Jack said...

A D,

Do that and let him speak to me, if you can manage it. I am however sure you will not need any such intrusions as you are fully capable of making a happy home for him.

Take care

Heavenly Muse said...

you are right uncle..
i always try whenever my husband talk about his nephews ....and sisters , brothers etc..that i listen him attentively and always encourages him to give them gifts and shower love as ever.,so that he never feel stuck between me their relations.

VR said...

really excellent post on marriage,.

i will show this to my beloved sweet heart who is plain kiddish but who loves me most in this world & everything to me.

be happy keep smiling.