Saturday, October 31, 2009

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART II

Now coming to second part of my post. This is a difficult one. Before I go further may I tell you of an incident which happened few years ago. This is with due apologies to my readers of fair gender. Once a young man was strolling on the beach early in the morning. He saw a corked bottle with some fumes in it. He picked it up and pulled out the cork. Out came a Ginnie who bowed thanking him for setting him free. Ginnie further told that he would fulfill one of his wishes. The youngman was very scared of traveling by air or sea but was keen to visit Lakshdeep islands. He asked Ginnie to build a bridge to the islands so he could drive down to that place. Ginnie told him it is very difficult and requested for alternate wish. The youngman asked Ginnie to give him knowledge to understand women. Ginnie folded his hands and said “ How many lanes do you want in the bridge.”

Jokes apart, I am going to try to bring out expectations of a girl after marriage and how she can achieve what she wants. Let me put it here itself that what can be achieved by love and affection is not possible to get by sulking, throwing tantrums or being adamant. One needs to keep ego aside, however self respect is to be maintained. Though I have had fairly good idea as I used to speak to our daughter about her expectations when she was of marriageable age but still to update myself I spoke to few more young ladies – one newly married and rest of marriageable age. This post is thus based on these inputs along with what I had in my mind. Here I will try to put across her dreams for married life and her efforts to make the same come true.

First thing which we all have to understand is that no matter how long the girl may have known the husband or his family before marriage, it is only when one lives 7 X 24 that one gets to know the others fully. She moves from known environments where she is confident of her position and knows that her mistakes will not be made an issue. So the first thing which she looks for when she moves to husband’s house is acceptance with love & affection as an integral member of the family. Then comes space and independence followed by respect not only from husband but other members of the family too. She looks for time to settle down and wants support from all for that with open minded discussions and not sniggering remarks. It will of course facilitate her settling down if there are no demands of dowry. She is keen to have quality time with husband and feels that he should be with her as much as possible. She also wishes that her parents and relatives are given due respect by husband and others in the family. She wants to be part of decision making in the family and in many cases will like to continue with her career for financial independence. Most of this may not be difficult if staying alone with husband but if staying in joint family there will be some differences which may cause misunderstandings. She will definitely look for all the love from her husband and no unfaithfulness. She will expect her husband to understand that once she becomes a mother her attention will be more towards the child and he should not take it as if she is ignoring him. She will expect him to share her chores and all feelings. I do not think I need to say anything about physical relations which is definitely part of expectations.

Now let us see how can she get all she is looking for. First and foremost she has to understand that this is her family now. She must feel part and parcel of the family she joins. Not that she should forget her parental family but for settling down in new place she has to make efforts to be part of them. She needs to understand customs and traditions. If she finds any of these uncomfortable she must have clear communication with her husband and thereafter with her mother in law without drawing parallel with her parental house. She should try to take on household chores with concurrence of his mother, even if she is working then whatever is possible. She must understand that relation between mother and son is something which is very sacred and she has her own place. If she wins over his mother with her love she will not have any major difficulty with her husband as she will always have her support. Her respect for elders of the family will surely pay back as they too will have same feelings for her. If there is any misunderstanding she should clarify politely instead of keeping to herself and sulking.

I think instead of writing more I can just sum it up in one sentence “ SHE SHOULD DO WHAT SHE EXPECTS WIFE OF HER BROTHER TO DO IN HER PARENTAL HOUSE.”

I must convey my special thanks to Harpreet, Sonal and Shruti for their valuable inputs.

27 comments:

Escapist said...

Great !!!

Tongue-fu Lady said...

all she has to do is compromise n compromise to make her family a happy one..but then the in-laws are hardly satisfied...and this is not just in the Indian society..its universal, irrespective of who you u are n where u r.. i realised this after my conversation with a Swiss postdoc from MIT..strange ain't it?

Being Pramoda... said...

hi uncle,

Thank You soo much for ur valuable inputs..while i was reading, i felt that u were saying about my ownself as if you were me..yaa may be a commonalities of girls remain same..:)

That was a profound post..i must say, it is surely an inspiration too..

i'm awaiting tehnext parts of this series..:)

PS: Uncle, many posts in my blog are awaiting ut attention..Plz do check ..

sulagna chatterjee said...

Jack...i am absolutely amazed at your understanding of the subject:) i thought this kind of thoughts or inputs could come only from the girls parents..

i am waiting to read more before i share experiences..beautiful read..in fact it inspired em to write about my own story

Jack said...

ESCAPIST :

Thanks. Hope you read the previous one too. Next part will be posted soon. Take care


T - fL :

I agree with your comments in my previous post that does this kind of man exist. What I will say is if one has majority of the traits or qualities should we not say he is ok? Efforts can be made from both sides to make marriage work. Now coming to this post, it is not compromise but adapting to changed situation leaving ego behind but keeping self respect intact. Little diplomacy is what is needed. Let me give you an example :

You are in office and your boss walks in after lunch saying -

" A proposal has to be sent today evening itself, give me the inputs by 4'O clock." OR

" We need to send a proposal today evening itself, kindly let me have the inputs by 4'O clock. " OR

" Hello, we are on the verge of getting a good contact but we need to hurry as proposal has to be sent today evening itself. We should definitely meet the deadline. I will be back at 4'O clock so we can discuss inputs to draft proposal, OK ?".

Now tell me which one would you like out of above 3 types of bosses? I for sure will vote for last one. Did he compromise his authourity or position? I do not think so. He or she is a good taskmaster with sound diplomatic ways. Hope you get my point. Take care


PRAMODA :

My PC was not working, it was done up but stopped working again after a few hours. So the delay. Now I will be back and read all pending posts. Thanks for supportive comments. I am sure you will nenve have any problems in your married life. Take care


SULAGNA :

Life teaches you so many things on day to day basis but many of us do not observe these. I did mention that I took help from some of young ladies to reaffirm my thinking. A family will be happy if every member plays his or her role as needed to make for happiness. Looking forward to your post. I will be posting next part within a week. Take care

Amrita said...

Very true.. you summed it up aptly empathy does help a lot...

Nahl said...

Wow uncle Jack, you're a genius! Have a few questions or opinions, will update you soon!

Nahl said...

Uncle Jack, the post on Comment Appreciation Award that I presented to you now has a different picture. You can use that picture to decorate your blog by posting it and thus, showing off! :)

Heavenly Muse said...

life offers different kind of challenges and ''change'' is the most expected one....for a girl...her marriage is a big turning phase of her life...at this this point she is supposed to be patient,open heart and forgiving......she should keep in mind that stubborn behavior never does not pay any thing....

~ Dip ~ said...

hahha i needed this at this point in my life :)

very important points

to give love and affection and respect to in laws <-- the most important.

ok.

never sulk. talk openly whatever the problem is.

ok!

mom-son relationship is above everything.

ok!

thanks, i loved this post

and i agree with everything. though i think i will follow everything but still, when you face things .. things are not always the same and sometimes ego and stuff becomes a problem. but i will TRY MY BEST. cuz after all, the most important thing in life is peace in the home and love in hearts, a happy family. if there's no happiness at home, everything else in life is meaningless.

Sakshi said...

Hi Uncle J-
Great post. And great insight. Even though- being a girl of marriageable age I have to say a few things-
a) I agree that the girl has to do things right in her house- but- to expect that she will do it from day 1 is wrong.
b) A girl often marries with a mindset that she has to adjust according to her husbands family, because she knows that there are rules and regulations in the other family that have been followed for a long time and that she is in minority here. But- it is the responsibility of her husband to make sure that his family and relatives treat his wife right. It is his responsibility to portray, his wife in the right light with the right expectations to his family.
c) A joint family needs to understand that- Times have changed, and in a highly modern era , where both the partners are working, it is important that they be encouraged to spend alone time. i.e. the family should not bear upon the couple. And, that has to again be clarified by the husband.
Lastly- I would just say- that even though families play a very important part in a couples' life- it is very important to draw a line and to make and have discussion about their lives minus the extended family input.
All this can only be achieved, if the husband has the nerve enough to make his family understand, because- its not just his needs- its hers too.

Jack said...

AMRITA :

Thanks for encouraging comments. Next part about parents of both sides will be put up in a few days. I will like to have your views on that too. Take care


NAHL :

I am still waiting for your views on these two posts. I am not that proficient with computers to move the award from your space to my space and thus show it. I will see if I can get help to do it.It is embedded in my heart always. My PC was behaving like a clown for few days that is why I have not been able to visit you. Today again when I opened your posts it got hung, so I came here to check if it still has any problem. I will visit you soon. Take care


H M :

True. There is lot expected from a girl after marriage but it is also duty of husband and his family to support her to adapt to new place with ease. Hope you read my previous post too. Take care


DIPTI :

I am so glad that you find it helpful. Thanks for your recomendations in your post. I am touched by your affection. You are most welcome to ask anything anytime. Take care


SAKSHI :

Thanks for more inputs. Have you read my previous post which deals with husband's part? Kindly do give your views on that too. Next part will be on parents of both sides. Take care

ash89 said...

hi..thats a wonderful post...I think the last line made a lot of sense...a girl shud behave the way she xpects the wife of her brother to.
Sorry, havent been commenting. Was a bit stressed.

sulagna chatterjee said...

:( you dint read my comment on the first part*sob sob* you know reading your blogs gets such a sense of serene in me..dont know why..but it makes for a very "peaceful"(maybe wrong word) read..and when is your anniversary..i am sure she is a lucky lady to have shared her life with such a wonderful human being..anniversaries are times to thank God for getting the best person in your life who fits in the puzzle of your life, and brings out its complete beauty :)

Jack said...

ASH :

I am so glad to see you here. It is so nice of you to support my sayings. Did you read part I too? Would you like to share your stress? I will feel happy to be of any help. Take care


SULAGNA :

I did read your comment on part I and replied too. I feel so honoured that you find my thoughts practical and helpful. This stirs me on to write more meaningful posts. Our anniversary is on 20th. Yours? Take care

Miss Always Carried Away said...

First off, Jack I'm sorry for being that late with your post! I visited you about a week ago but there was no updates. But now I'm following you so that I won't miss any of your posts.

I think it's a great post. To some cultures it won't fit that much /I mean very west cultures/ were family and traditions are not that much celebrate anymore, but I'm Polish and still tradition in Poland is very important so your post fits very well to standards that exist in my country yet I don't live there and I don't think I will ever live there again. But never say never. Remember that nowadays lots of couples live together before they decide to get married and I think it’s a great idea. It helps to understand each other’s expectations more. But still after marriage sth changes and a woman really need to become a part of a family and it doesn’t matter if her husband stays close to his relatives or not. It’s should be very important for her to be accepted and be liked by his family for who she is. And yes the last line says all! /P.S. I don’t have a brother nor a sister!/

Have a great weekend Jack!

Jack said...

M A C A :

I am so happy to see you here. I agree that what I say may not be applicable to some cultures but let me just say that what is the difference between humans and animals then? Isn't it that we do care for our kith & kin? Or like animals we discard our parents or offsprings? Sorry, if I seem too harsh. If any culture or society approves of it, then I think it is retarded. Coming to live in. It is good to know your life partner but what if after his lust is satisfied he looks for fresh pastures? This is basic nature of males of any specie, isn't it? One could take sometime to understand one another and only then decide to commit.

Take care

Cursed♪♫ said...

The joke was good :)
hehe!!
Thanks for your comment :)

ki said...

I like the paraphrasing in the end! An important message conveyed well. :)

Jigyasa said...

Jack!

This ia an amazing post. I did read it sometime back but seems like it was inriguing enough, that I could not write back to you. Your understanding on the subject is amazing and you have put it very well....All this tells one more thing - that you are not only a gr8 observer but also a good listener.

Gr8 to have you here :-)

Jack said...

JUHI :

Only joke or the rest too was ok with you? Nice to see you here. Take care


KI :

Thanks for coming over. I am glad that you found it good. I agree that what I said in the last is the key to what should she do. Take care


JIGYASA :

I am so grateful for such encouraging comments. I am trying to post last part today, if possible. Take care

Americanising Desi said...

your valuable thoughts have made me awe on. really... what and where are you from to think on this level?

why dont they all think this way?

Jack said...

A D,

You know where I am from, it is in my profile. How I wish too that all persons can understand these basic facts to make life more happy and comfortable for both - self & spouse.

Take care

Lavender said...

Very Very true.
I think it makes such a good read for all of us who will be getting married in the near Future.
I'm going to keep these words in my mind always

Dip said...

uncle j : this is my new url,

http://psycheofachildwoman.blogspot.com

changed my email address and the blog link. couldnt handle using two different mail ids, its like using two phone numbers!

collecting my blog-list blogs again , so here i am :)

take care, see you on the blog. and oh, i've to read the part 3 of ur posts.

happy sunday!

VR said...

part 2 is also very nice one.

excellent post sir.

Meera Sundararajan said...

I read both parts of the post. I agree with all the points that you have brought out. But then reality is often not so perfect. I think the best thing to do is to get married couples to live away from the inlaws. Nearby if required but not in the same space. Staying apart helps to keep people as friends that staying together may not.