I was tagged by a few of my young friends here and I promised to do those as soon as possible. I sincerely apologies to them as due to my plain lethargy I have not fulfilled my promise till date. I did not copy the text so now I am in a fix to find what TAGs are due. I request them to please give me clue so I can take those up.
For present, I am reproducing a TAG which I had done more than a year ago on o3.indiatimes.com site. I have made slight changes. This is quite simple. There are key words or phrases and one needs to give lyrics of a song relating to these. In this TAG the lyrics are in Hindi and I have not translated these because then the intended impact will not be there. Hope you enjoy it.
The extra cuppa tea I had just now:
I would have preferred shot of Old Monk after sunset, but if it has to be tea, Well!
“ Mujhko apne gale laga lo, ey mere humrahi “
Liptan di CHAH hai. LOL
The weather here: ( It was rainy season then )
”Hai hai yeh majboori, yeh mausam aur yeh doori, teri do takian di naukari, mera lakhon ka sawan jai.”
Hope that is what my wife thinks when I am in office & it rains hard. LOL
Waiting for someone:
”Oye sarian bibian aayian, Harnam Kaur na aayi.”
Supposedly a pet song of Sikh Paltan during WW II.
Life:
“Zindagi ka safar, yeh kaisa safar, koi samjha nahin, koi jaana nahin.”
Is it not so?
Just for you... :)
“Yarri hai imaan mera, yaar meri zindagi .”
I value friendship.
Kya style hai... ;)
“Hawa mein urta jai, yeh tera lal dupatta malmal ka.”
Love of my life:
“Aye meri zohrazabin tu abhi tak ho haseen aur mein jawaan, tujh pe qurbaan meri jaan, meri jaan.”
Of course to my wife of 38 years.
Me and Blogsville: :D
“Kahaan aa gaye hum, sakoon aa gaya hai.”
Main aur meri tanhayii:
“Chhod gaye balam, hai akela chhod gaye.”
Attitude matters:
“Hum honge qamyaab ek din.”
Some Plans:
“Ek din bik jayega maati ke mol, jug mein reh jayenge bus tere bol.”
Would like to leave something behind for society to remember me by.
My washing machine:
“Taarif karun kya uski, jisne tujhe banaya.”
LG : Life is Good.
For my friends here:
”Yaad karoge, ek din humko yaad karoge.”
I hope so.
This second cup of chai: :P
No, it is now second shot of OLD MONK : So
“ Yaaro mujhko maaf karna, main nashe mein hoon.”
Right now :
“Achha to ab chalte hain, kal phir milenge.”
Hopefully.
I am not tagging anyone, those who like it and wish to take it up are most welcome.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
PARENTS - CHILDREN RELATIONSHIP
I read following two snippets way back in 1969 or 1970 and if my memory does not fail me it was in Readers’ Digest.
A young boy of 3 years or so was asked his name by someone and he replied, “ Jimmy No.”. It was explained that his parents always kept telling him “Jimmy No” whenever he did something they did not want. So he took No as part of his name.
A young man walking on the beach saw a girl of about 2 years playing very close to the sea running towards the waves and running back when waves touched her legs. Her mother was sitting few yards away watching her daughter intently. He asked her as to why does she not stop the girl from going towards sea as it was dangerous but the mother did not respond and kept looking at the girl without shifting her gaze. Suddenly mother sprang up rushing towards the girl who had almost got swept away by strong wave and brought her out of water. On reaching the man she said, “ If I had stopped her from playing the way she was, she would do so when she is alone and not being watched. Now she knows the danger and so she herself would be careful in future.”
These left a lasting impression on my mind.
A year or so later I heard a young girl of about 8 years telling a lady, “ Go ahead and tell my mother. What will she do, give me few slaps, so what?”. This seemed to be a retort to the lady threatening her that she would report her misdeed to her mother. What struck me was the defiant attitude of that young girl.
These made me think about how children should be treated in their formative years by parents. Relationship between parents and a child is very important at that stage for overall development of the child into a responsible adult. And subsequently too bond between parents and grown up children is of utmost importance to ensure all round happiness of a family. There are umpteen number of books written by specialists but what I am going to say is the basic principles which have been of help to us in our years of bringing up children and as such I am sharing it with you all.
First and foremost we need to keep in mind that a young child is innocent, curious and interprets things as per his or her exposure. So when we speak to child about anything we need to get down to his or her age and understand their point of view or way of looking at things. For safety of toddler we need to keep things which may be harmful for the child out of reach. We had put dummy plugs in all reachable power point not in use and removed all items from dressing table locking those up in the drawers instead of saying NO every time they reached for it.
Never should we discourage a child from asking questions even if those seem silly to us as in his or her mind those are curiosities. We need to address all questions with reasonable explanations understandable by child and if it is something which is not appropriate for that age we should divert attention of child. There are so many ways to do so instead of saying NO or this is not for you leaving the child wondering about unanswered question and trying to find answer from other sources.
As the child grows we need to change our approach too but never in dictatorial way. During school days never put child under pressure to perform as per our satisfaction. Child should be made to understand that it is for his or her good to learn attentively and understand the subject instead of just memorizing it blindly. Encouragement should be given for participation in sports and extra curricle activities. They should be made to understand time management without being ordered to study or do this or do that all the time. Let the child choose own profession. We need to explain pros and cons of each and let the decision be made by the child.
Now comes the difficult phase, pre-teen, teenage and college life. In this phase there is not only curiosity of new pastures or trying to explore new ways of freedom but rebellion too to move away from it is done this way approach of elders. It is not possible to be with them 24 hours of the day. We need to understand that time has come to treat them as friends, of course within limits and make them understand their responsibilities. We need to encourage them to share their feelings and thoughts. I had told our daughter when she joined college “ Now you are moving from uniformed regulated life to different way of life with time at your disposal. Do what your conscience permits you but just understand that whatever you do should not make us hang our heads in shame ever. There may be times when you may feel you have to do something against your wishes or conscience, so just take precautions not to get into that kind of situation.” I am proud to say that she behaved in a very sensible way without any monitoring. And to our son at his entry to college apart from what I told his sister I added “ Never force a girl for anything she does not want to do or never physically or emotionally coerce her to do what she is not willing to.” Again I am happy that he never let us down.
Then comes the marriage time. We should give full liberty to them to choose their soul mate. They should be made to feel confident to share their liking with us. If it is seen that the one chosen lacks something, it should be logically discussed and not forced for change of option. Our children had their own friendships but when time came they both left it to us to look for their would be life partners. But I insisted that they would have to meet our selected one, spending enough time without being chaperoned to make up their mind. I also told our son that the girl he so meets has full right to say no. Well, they are both now settled with children though with normal tiffs off and on. They have to solve their differences themselves with our unbiased support to one who is justified.
Thereafter they should be left to lead life as they want without interference but support as needed. Of course it does not mean that they can do something criminal or unacceptable in normal society for which once again we can only advise or guide logically but can not force our will. In such an event if he or she still continues to follow which is unacceptable, it is time to part company.
That sums up what we have gone through in our time. Now it is grandchildren who make us relive our olden days all over again.
A young boy of 3 years or so was asked his name by someone and he replied, “ Jimmy No.”. It was explained that his parents always kept telling him “Jimmy No” whenever he did something they did not want. So he took No as part of his name.
A young man walking on the beach saw a girl of about 2 years playing very close to the sea running towards the waves and running back when waves touched her legs. Her mother was sitting few yards away watching her daughter intently. He asked her as to why does she not stop the girl from going towards sea as it was dangerous but the mother did not respond and kept looking at the girl without shifting her gaze. Suddenly mother sprang up rushing towards the girl who had almost got swept away by strong wave and brought her out of water. On reaching the man she said, “ If I had stopped her from playing the way she was, she would do so when she is alone and not being watched. Now she knows the danger and so she herself would be careful in future.”
These left a lasting impression on my mind.
A year or so later I heard a young girl of about 8 years telling a lady, “ Go ahead and tell my mother. What will she do, give me few slaps, so what?”. This seemed to be a retort to the lady threatening her that she would report her misdeed to her mother. What struck me was the defiant attitude of that young girl.
These made me think about how children should be treated in their formative years by parents. Relationship between parents and a child is very important at that stage for overall development of the child into a responsible adult. And subsequently too bond between parents and grown up children is of utmost importance to ensure all round happiness of a family. There are umpteen number of books written by specialists but what I am going to say is the basic principles which have been of help to us in our years of bringing up children and as such I am sharing it with you all.
First and foremost we need to keep in mind that a young child is innocent, curious and interprets things as per his or her exposure. So when we speak to child about anything we need to get down to his or her age and understand their point of view or way of looking at things. For safety of toddler we need to keep things which may be harmful for the child out of reach. We had put dummy plugs in all reachable power point not in use and removed all items from dressing table locking those up in the drawers instead of saying NO every time they reached for it.
Never should we discourage a child from asking questions even if those seem silly to us as in his or her mind those are curiosities. We need to address all questions with reasonable explanations understandable by child and if it is something which is not appropriate for that age we should divert attention of child. There are so many ways to do so instead of saying NO or this is not for you leaving the child wondering about unanswered question and trying to find answer from other sources.
As the child grows we need to change our approach too but never in dictatorial way. During school days never put child under pressure to perform as per our satisfaction. Child should be made to understand that it is for his or her good to learn attentively and understand the subject instead of just memorizing it blindly. Encouragement should be given for participation in sports and extra curricle activities. They should be made to understand time management without being ordered to study or do this or do that all the time. Let the child choose own profession. We need to explain pros and cons of each and let the decision be made by the child.
Now comes the difficult phase, pre-teen, teenage and college life. In this phase there is not only curiosity of new pastures or trying to explore new ways of freedom but rebellion too to move away from it is done this way approach of elders. It is not possible to be with them 24 hours of the day. We need to understand that time has come to treat them as friends, of course within limits and make them understand their responsibilities. We need to encourage them to share their feelings and thoughts. I had told our daughter when she joined college “ Now you are moving from uniformed regulated life to different way of life with time at your disposal. Do what your conscience permits you but just understand that whatever you do should not make us hang our heads in shame ever. There may be times when you may feel you have to do something against your wishes or conscience, so just take precautions not to get into that kind of situation.” I am proud to say that she behaved in a very sensible way without any monitoring. And to our son at his entry to college apart from what I told his sister I added “ Never force a girl for anything she does not want to do or never physically or emotionally coerce her to do what she is not willing to.” Again I am happy that he never let us down.
Then comes the marriage time. We should give full liberty to them to choose their soul mate. They should be made to feel confident to share their liking with us. If it is seen that the one chosen lacks something, it should be logically discussed and not forced for change of option. Our children had their own friendships but when time came they both left it to us to look for their would be life partners. But I insisted that they would have to meet our selected one, spending enough time without being chaperoned to make up their mind. I also told our son that the girl he so meets has full right to say no. Well, they are both now settled with children though with normal tiffs off and on. They have to solve their differences themselves with our unbiased support to one who is justified.
Thereafter they should be left to lead life as they want without interference but support as needed. Of course it does not mean that they can do something criminal or unacceptable in normal society for which once again we can only advise or guide logically but can not force our will. In such an event if he or she still continues to follow which is unacceptable, it is time to part company.
That sums up what we have gone through in our time. Now it is grandchildren who make us relive our olden days all over again.
Friday, November 20, 2009
IN LIGHTER VEIN
Today we completed 38 years of married life. We, of course, have had our ups and downs in loving relationship with not on talking terms and throwing tantrums but she was always there when I needed her. I, too, did reciprocate the same whenever need arose. These years made me wiser. So today I thought of putting up a post with lighter tone, Jokes on married life. Here we go, hope you do enjoy these :
In the evening of 25th wedding anniversary wife found husband sitting in the reading room with tears in eyes and drinking. She was overcome with emotions and told him that she was so glad to see tears of happiness. He said, “ Do you remember when your Police Officer father caught us in your room what did he say?” She replied, “ Yes, I do remember even though I was so scared at being caught that way, he told you either you marry me or he will have you sent to jail for 25 years.” He started crying loudly saying , “ Do you understand I would have been a free man by now.”
A young man asked his married friend for advice as he wanted to get married. His friend told him “ Marriage has 3 rings, Engagement Ring, Marriage Ring and SufferRing.”
Marriage is a ceremony where a man loses his Bachelor’s degree while a woman get Master’s.
A couple was driving past a farm on the highway and were having heated argument. On seeing some pigs in the farm field he told her, “ Your relatives.” She immediately retorted, “ Yes, from in-laws side.”
A couple was having heated argument in front of some friends. She told him, “ My choice is always better than yours.” He agreed whole heartedly saying, “ I agree with you fully.” His friend later asked him as to why did he agree. He told, “ After all I am her choice and she is my choice.”
Do you know full form of WIFE? It is acronym for Worries Invited For Ever.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are atleast WANTED.
There was discussion in the office about colour of eyes and faithfulness. It transpired that those with black eyes are most faithful, with blue eyes are flirts, green eyed fantasize and those with brown eyes are least faithful. A newly married man went home earlier than normal. When he opened his flat door with his key, he found his wife sleeping in the bedroom. He tiptoed to her and lifted her eye lids gently. On seeing colour of eyes he was taken aback and said loudly, “ Oh, brown.” And out came his close friend Brown from under the bed saying with surprise, “ How did you know I am here?”
A private in the Army got married to a Lady Staff Sergeant who was not only senior but little elder in age too. She was also drill instructor for the formation. His friends asked him as to why did he do that. He told them, “ Well, I do what you people always wish while on parade.”
In the evening of 25th wedding anniversary wife found husband sitting in the reading room with tears in eyes and drinking. She was overcome with emotions and told him that she was so glad to see tears of happiness. He said, “ Do you remember when your Police Officer father caught us in your room what did he say?” She replied, “ Yes, I do remember even though I was so scared at being caught that way, he told you either you marry me or he will have you sent to jail for 25 years.” He started crying loudly saying , “ Do you understand I would have been a free man by now.”
A young man asked his married friend for advice as he wanted to get married. His friend told him “ Marriage has 3 rings, Engagement Ring, Marriage Ring and SufferRing.”
Marriage is a ceremony where a man loses his Bachelor’s degree while a woman get Master’s.
A couple was driving past a farm on the highway and were having heated argument. On seeing some pigs in the farm field he told her, “ Your relatives.” She immediately retorted, “ Yes, from in-laws side.”
A couple was having heated argument in front of some friends. She told him, “ My choice is always better than yours.” He agreed whole heartedly saying, “ I agree with you fully.” His friend later asked him as to why did he agree. He told, “ After all I am her choice and she is my choice.”
Do you know full form of WIFE? It is acronym for Worries Invited For Ever.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are atleast WANTED.
There was discussion in the office about colour of eyes and faithfulness. It transpired that those with black eyes are most faithful, with blue eyes are flirts, green eyed fantasize and those with brown eyes are least faithful. A newly married man went home earlier than normal. When he opened his flat door with his key, he found his wife sleeping in the bedroom. He tiptoed to her and lifted her eye lids gently. On seeing colour of eyes he was taken aback and said loudly, “ Oh, brown.” And out came his close friend Brown from under the bed saying with surprise, “ How did you know I am here?”
A private in the Army got married to a Lady Staff Sergeant who was not only senior but little elder in age too. She was also drill instructor for the formation. His friends asked him as to why did he do that. He told them, “ Well, I do what you people always wish while on parade.”
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART III
Now I come to the 3rd and the last part of this post. In this I will try to put across some of the expectations of both – boy’s parents and girl’s parents and what they need to do to achieve what they wish for. And when I say parents, it includes siblings of the boy or girl too.
First I will take up boy’s side. I am not at all talking of those who are greedy and dowry seekers. As far as I am concerned such persons do not need to be thought of as those who wish to have happy family life because for such persons it is jingle of coins only which makes them happy. Best part is while seeking dowry they open their mouths so big that even the whole world is not sufficient and at the same time when it comes to marriage of their daughters they feign poverty. Let us forget such blots on the face of earth.
His parents basically look for girl who will settle down as family member and follow traditions of the family. They would like her to share all good and bad of the family. They would expect her to keep all family affairs within the family and not make it public. They expect her not to divide the family. They would like her to show due respect and not talk back or sulk if told of some mistakes. They also look for grandchildren to give them company.
What should they do to have this happy situation? First of all they must give space to the new entrant to the family. They must understand that she has spent so many years in her parents house following their way of life, so give her time to adjust to new surroundings. They must let her have quality time with her husband as they have to understand each other to spend rest of their life. They should be open to logical discussion for any change needed in the traditions or way of life felt by the girl and agree to what seems better as well as explain why old customs must carry on. There should never be any mistrust. Mother should tell her likes and dislikes of her son including food habits so she can adjust to him faster. She should be given opportunity to learn whatever needs to be to take on responsibilities of the household. They should be support to her for bringing up the grandchildren but not to spoil them.
In short I will just say that THEY SHOULD TREAT HER AS THEY WOULD LIKE THEIR DAUGHTER TO BE TREATED AT HER HUSBAND’S HOME.
Now coming to girl’s parents. They would like to see their daughter settle down in the new home. They would like to see her being treated with love and respect. They would like to see her husband caring and supporting her.
To achieve the above they first of all need to explain to their daughter that she is starting with new life and her husband’s family is now her family. They can affirm their support to her just as earlier but make her understand that she needs to settle down in new place as quickly as possible. They should explain to her to have open mind and learn. If she feels something amiss she should speak to her husband in polite manner and thereafter with his mother or father. She should not run back to them for every small issue or try to divide the family. Above all they should never ever interfere into the affairs of her new family. They may keep an eye that she is not being harassed.
Again in short THEY SHOULD DO WHAT THEY EXPECT PARENTS OF THEIR SON’S WIFE TO DO.
Whatever I have said in these 3 parts is for an ideal situation which is very difficult to attain. However if efforts are made by each one to follow these as much as possible the life of any family will be peaceful thus lead to happiness.
It must be kept in mind that OPEN TWO WAY LOGICAL AND POLITE COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
May I request you all for adding your inputs to whatever I have felt or put across.
First I will take up boy’s side. I am not at all talking of those who are greedy and dowry seekers. As far as I am concerned such persons do not need to be thought of as those who wish to have happy family life because for such persons it is jingle of coins only which makes them happy. Best part is while seeking dowry they open their mouths so big that even the whole world is not sufficient and at the same time when it comes to marriage of their daughters they feign poverty. Let us forget such blots on the face of earth.
His parents basically look for girl who will settle down as family member and follow traditions of the family. They would like her to share all good and bad of the family. They would expect her to keep all family affairs within the family and not make it public. They expect her not to divide the family. They would like her to show due respect and not talk back or sulk if told of some mistakes. They also look for grandchildren to give them company.
What should they do to have this happy situation? First of all they must give space to the new entrant to the family. They must understand that she has spent so many years in her parents house following their way of life, so give her time to adjust to new surroundings. They must let her have quality time with her husband as they have to understand each other to spend rest of their life. They should be open to logical discussion for any change needed in the traditions or way of life felt by the girl and agree to what seems better as well as explain why old customs must carry on. There should never be any mistrust. Mother should tell her likes and dislikes of her son including food habits so she can adjust to him faster. She should be given opportunity to learn whatever needs to be to take on responsibilities of the household. They should be support to her for bringing up the grandchildren but not to spoil them.
In short I will just say that THEY SHOULD TREAT HER AS THEY WOULD LIKE THEIR DAUGHTER TO BE TREATED AT HER HUSBAND’S HOME.
Now coming to girl’s parents. They would like to see their daughter settle down in the new home. They would like to see her being treated with love and respect. They would like to see her husband caring and supporting her.
To achieve the above they first of all need to explain to their daughter that she is starting with new life and her husband’s family is now her family. They can affirm their support to her just as earlier but make her understand that she needs to settle down in new place as quickly as possible. They should explain to her to have open mind and learn. If she feels something amiss she should speak to her husband in polite manner and thereafter with his mother or father. She should not run back to them for every small issue or try to divide the family. Above all they should never ever interfere into the affairs of her new family. They may keep an eye that she is not being harassed.
Again in short THEY SHOULD DO WHAT THEY EXPECT PARENTS OF THEIR SON’S WIFE TO DO.
Whatever I have said in these 3 parts is for an ideal situation which is very difficult to attain. However if efforts are made by each one to follow these as much as possible the life of any family will be peaceful thus lead to happiness.
It must be kept in mind that OPEN TWO WAY LOGICAL AND POLITE COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
May I request you all for adding your inputs to whatever I have felt or put across.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART II
Now coming to second part of my post. This is a difficult one. Before I go further may I tell you of an incident which happened few years ago. This is with due apologies to my readers of fair gender. Once a young man was strolling on the beach early in the morning. He saw a corked bottle with some fumes in it. He picked it up and pulled out the cork. Out came a Ginnie who bowed thanking him for setting him free. Ginnie further told that he would fulfill one of his wishes. The youngman was very scared of traveling by air or sea but was keen to visit Lakshdeep islands. He asked Ginnie to build a bridge to the islands so he could drive down to that place. Ginnie told him it is very difficult and requested for alternate wish. The youngman asked Ginnie to give him knowledge to understand women. Ginnie folded his hands and said “ How many lanes do you want in the bridge.”
Jokes apart, I am going to try to bring out expectations of a girl after marriage and how she can achieve what she wants. Let me put it here itself that what can be achieved by love and affection is not possible to get by sulking, throwing tantrums or being adamant. One needs to keep ego aside, however self respect is to be maintained. Though I have had fairly good idea as I used to speak to our daughter about her expectations when she was of marriageable age but still to update myself I spoke to few more young ladies – one newly married and rest of marriageable age. This post is thus based on these inputs along with what I had in my mind. Here I will try to put across her dreams for married life and her efforts to make the same come true.
First thing which we all have to understand is that no matter how long the girl may have known the husband or his family before marriage, it is only when one lives 7 X 24 that one gets to know the others fully. She moves from known environments where she is confident of her position and knows that her mistakes will not be made an issue. So the first thing which she looks for when she moves to husband’s house is acceptance with love & affection as an integral member of the family. Then comes space and independence followed by respect not only from husband but other members of the family too. She looks for time to settle down and wants support from all for that with open minded discussions and not sniggering remarks. It will of course facilitate her settling down if there are no demands of dowry. She is keen to have quality time with husband and feels that he should be with her as much as possible. She also wishes that her parents and relatives are given due respect by husband and others in the family. She wants to be part of decision making in the family and in many cases will like to continue with her career for financial independence. Most of this may not be difficult if staying alone with husband but if staying in joint family there will be some differences which may cause misunderstandings. She will definitely look for all the love from her husband and no unfaithfulness. She will expect her husband to understand that once she becomes a mother her attention will be more towards the child and he should not take it as if she is ignoring him. She will expect him to share her chores and all feelings. I do not think I need to say anything about physical relations which is definitely part of expectations.
Now let us see how can she get all she is looking for. First and foremost she has to understand that this is her family now. She must feel part and parcel of the family she joins. Not that she should forget her parental family but for settling down in new place she has to make efforts to be part of them. She needs to understand customs and traditions. If she finds any of these uncomfortable she must have clear communication with her husband and thereafter with her mother in law without drawing parallel with her parental house. She should try to take on household chores with concurrence of his mother, even if she is working then whatever is possible. She must understand that relation between mother and son is something which is very sacred and she has her own place. If she wins over his mother with her love she will not have any major difficulty with her husband as she will always have her support. Her respect for elders of the family will surely pay back as they too will have same feelings for her. If there is any misunderstanding she should clarify politely instead of keeping to herself and sulking.
I think instead of writing more I can just sum it up in one sentence “ SHE SHOULD DO WHAT SHE EXPECTS WIFE OF HER BROTHER TO DO IN HER PARENTAL HOUSE.”
I must convey my special thanks to Harpreet, Sonal and Shruti for their valuable inputs.
Jokes apart, I am going to try to bring out expectations of a girl after marriage and how she can achieve what she wants. Let me put it here itself that what can be achieved by love and affection is not possible to get by sulking, throwing tantrums or being adamant. One needs to keep ego aside, however self respect is to be maintained. Though I have had fairly good idea as I used to speak to our daughter about her expectations when she was of marriageable age but still to update myself I spoke to few more young ladies – one newly married and rest of marriageable age. This post is thus based on these inputs along with what I had in my mind. Here I will try to put across her dreams for married life and her efforts to make the same come true.
First thing which we all have to understand is that no matter how long the girl may have known the husband or his family before marriage, it is only when one lives 7 X 24 that one gets to know the others fully. She moves from known environments where she is confident of her position and knows that her mistakes will not be made an issue. So the first thing which she looks for when she moves to husband’s house is acceptance with love & affection as an integral member of the family. Then comes space and independence followed by respect not only from husband but other members of the family too. She looks for time to settle down and wants support from all for that with open minded discussions and not sniggering remarks. It will of course facilitate her settling down if there are no demands of dowry. She is keen to have quality time with husband and feels that he should be with her as much as possible. She also wishes that her parents and relatives are given due respect by husband and others in the family. She wants to be part of decision making in the family and in many cases will like to continue with her career for financial independence. Most of this may not be difficult if staying alone with husband but if staying in joint family there will be some differences which may cause misunderstandings. She will definitely look for all the love from her husband and no unfaithfulness. She will expect her husband to understand that once she becomes a mother her attention will be more towards the child and he should not take it as if she is ignoring him. She will expect him to share her chores and all feelings. I do not think I need to say anything about physical relations which is definitely part of expectations.
Now let us see how can she get all she is looking for. First and foremost she has to understand that this is her family now. She must feel part and parcel of the family she joins. Not that she should forget her parental family but for settling down in new place she has to make efforts to be part of them. She needs to understand customs and traditions. If she finds any of these uncomfortable she must have clear communication with her husband and thereafter with her mother in law without drawing parallel with her parental house. She should try to take on household chores with concurrence of his mother, even if she is working then whatever is possible. She must understand that relation between mother and son is something which is very sacred and she has her own place. If she wins over his mother with her love she will not have any major difficulty with her husband as she will always have her support. Her respect for elders of the family will surely pay back as they too will have same feelings for her. If there is any misunderstanding she should clarify politely instead of keeping to herself and sulking.
I think instead of writing more I can just sum it up in one sentence “ SHE SHOULD DO WHAT SHE EXPECTS WIFE OF HER BROTHER TO DO IN HER PARENTAL HOUSE.”
I must convey my special thanks to Harpreet, Sonal and Shruti for their valuable inputs.
Friday, October 23, 2009
FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART I
Some time ago I attended a seminar on Domestic Violence organized by a reputed NGO. There were a number of speakers and a lot of question were put up by attendees. Most of the speakers explained about the law provisions and some linked it with case histories. Two of them offered some concrete suggestions on how to curb this menace. This set me thinking that if we could understand basic causes which lead to domestic discord resulting in violence at times we may be able to curb this evil to a large extent. What I will try to project are expectations of each person involved making up a family and I will also say what should each one do to have expectations fulfilled. My writing is based on my own experience as son, husband, son-in-law, father, father-in-law of daughter’s husband & son’s wife apart from what I have observed in the society. And what I am going to say is applicable to present trends of our society which are strongly contested by a couple of young ladies who wish to see changes and I agree with them that we do need to change some of our age old customs as per changing times. What I say is for majority, exceptions are always there.
I have been working on this for almost a couple of weeks but have not been able to complete it. So I am going to post in 3 parts with first one from point of view of husband, second from wife and last from parents of boy as well as girl. Here is the first part :
HUSBAND
A man gets married to basically settle down in life, to have peaceful & comfortable home with someone to come to after hard day’s work, to have a family, have someone share his responsibilities and to have a soul mate with whom to share his happiness, thoughts & dreams. Physicality too is a major attraction.
To have above, he has to understand that his wife whom he may have known for years has left known safe environments and moved to his place with her dreams. It is only when you live together 7 X 24 that you truly get to know each other. There will definitely be some differences as two individuals have own personalities. If they are living in a joint family this aspect is more prominent as there are other members of family too with whom there may be some mutual differences. This is where maturity of husband is tested as he has to give support to his wife to overcome her fears and weaknesses. He has to understand her dreams and work for those which are relevant in the situation. He has to have patience. Not that I did not lose temper in the initial years of marriage but realized it over a period of time that it is futile to be angry as then logic goes out of mind. We had lived away from family as my job demanded that. In a joint family he has to give sufficient time to parents and siblings if staying together but without neglecting his wife. He has to make her understand that parents / siblings have their place while she has her own. He needs to see that she becomes a important part of the family and seek support of his parents / siblings to ensure that. There is likelihood of misunderstandings between his mother / sister and wife. He has to be unbiased to ensure that he must explain to the person who is wrong and why so. He has to shoulder dual role. If he expects her to respect him and his family he must give due respect to her and her space too and see that his family too does the same. He needs to share household chores, specially so if she is also working. He must show respect to her parents and regard to other relatives just as he would like her to do for his own. There should never be a time when he ridicules or belittles her on any matter. And last but not the least there should be no dowry demanded at all.
I feel this may be good start for having a happy HOME.
I have been working on this for almost a couple of weeks but have not been able to complete it. So I am going to post in 3 parts with first one from point of view of husband, second from wife and last from parents of boy as well as girl. Here is the first part :
HUSBAND
A man gets married to basically settle down in life, to have peaceful & comfortable home with someone to come to after hard day’s work, to have a family, have someone share his responsibilities and to have a soul mate with whom to share his happiness, thoughts & dreams. Physicality too is a major attraction.
To have above, he has to understand that his wife whom he may have known for years has left known safe environments and moved to his place with her dreams. It is only when you live together 7 X 24 that you truly get to know each other. There will definitely be some differences as two individuals have own personalities. If they are living in a joint family this aspect is more prominent as there are other members of family too with whom there may be some mutual differences. This is where maturity of husband is tested as he has to give support to his wife to overcome her fears and weaknesses. He has to understand her dreams and work for those which are relevant in the situation. He has to have patience. Not that I did not lose temper in the initial years of marriage but realized it over a period of time that it is futile to be angry as then logic goes out of mind. We had lived away from family as my job demanded that. In a joint family he has to give sufficient time to parents and siblings if staying together but without neglecting his wife. He has to make her understand that parents / siblings have their place while she has her own. He needs to see that she becomes a important part of the family and seek support of his parents / siblings to ensure that. There is likelihood of misunderstandings between his mother / sister and wife. He has to be unbiased to ensure that he must explain to the person who is wrong and why so. He has to shoulder dual role. If he expects her to respect him and his family he must give due respect to her and her space too and see that his family too does the same. He needs to share household chores, specially so if she is also working. He must show respect to her parents and regard to other relatives just as he would like her to do for his own. There should never be a time when he ridicules or belittles her on any matter. And last but not the least there should be no dowry demanded at all.
I feel this may be good start for having a happy HOME.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
FOR LITTLE LAUGHTER
After 4 serious thought provoking posts, I think it is time for some lighter one and here is my attempt to bring smile on your face :
Jill was planning to go for weekly shopping of daily necessities. Their house was on top of a hill. It had snowed the whole of previous night and everything was white. She knew the road winding down to town nearby would be slushy and partly covered with snow. They have a SUV but she was not familiar with engaging 4 X 4 drive. Her husband was away on business trip and her father in law was away visiting other son . She called up her husband who briefed her in details how to engage 4 X 4 and ended by saying if she still had difficulty she should ask Tim. After an hour or so she was ready to leave but she still did not feel confident so she called up her father in law who too briefed her fully ending with to take help from Tim if she had any difficulty. Tim happened to be her 5 years old son.
It had rained heavily the previous night and all paths were slippery in the hilly terrain. Bobby reached school very late. On being asked by teacher he gave reason that for every two steps taken forward he slipped back by four steps. The teacher thinking that he could corner him for telling lies, asked then how did you reach school. He replied on seeing what was happening he started going back towards home and thus reached school.
A girl was with her elderly aunt who was driving up on hilly road. She was scared every time they took blind hairpin bend but her aunt seemed calm as ever. On being asked her aunt told that she too was scared out of her wits on every such bend so she just closed her eyes while negotiating it.
A young man went to the club for the first time after becoming member. It was early evening. There was only one more member, an old man there. So to strike conversation he asked the old man if he would like to join him for a drink. The old man replied “ Tried it once, did not like it ”. After some time the young man who wanted company asked him again if he would like to play cards with him. The reply again was “ Tried it once, did not like it ”. He then asked if he would join him for scrabble. Again the old man replied “ Tried it once, did not like it.” He got same reply for game of darts too. At last he asked the old man if he would like to play snooker and was told “ Tried it once, did not like it, however my son would be here soon and you can play with him ”. To this the young man retorted under breath “ I think he must be your only child ”.
An average man has sex life in three stages :
Tri – Weekly
Try – Weekly
and
Try - Weakly
Jill was planning to go for weekly shopping of daily necessities. Their house was on top of a hill. It had snowed the whole of previous night and everything was white. She knew the road winding down to town nearby would be slushy and partly covered with snow. They have a SUV but she was not familiar with engaging 4 X 4 drive. Her husband was away on business trip and her father in law was away visiting other son . She called up her husband who briefed her in details how to engage 4 X 4 and ended by saying if she still had difficulty she should ask Tim. After an hour or so she was ready to leave but she still did not feel confident so she called up her father in law who too briefed her fully ending with to take help from Tim if she had any difficulty. Tim happened to be her 5 years old son.
It had rained heavily the previous night and all paths were slippery in the hilly terrain. Bobby reached school very late. On being asked by teacher he gave reason that for every two steps taken forward he slipped back by four steps. The teacher thinking that he could corner him for telling lies, asked then how did you reach school. He replied on seeing what was happening he started going back towards home and thus reached school.
A girl was with her elderly aunt who was driving up on hilly road. She was scared every time they took blind hairpin bend but her aunt seemed calm as ever. On being asked her aunt told that she too was scared out of her wits on every such bend so she just closed her eyes while negotiating it.
A young man went to the club for the first time after becoming member. It was early evening. There was only one more member, an old man there. So to strike conversation he asked the old man if he would like to join him for a drink. The old man replied “ Tried it once, did not like it ”. After some time the young man who wanted company asked him again if he would like to play cards with him. The reply again was “ Tried it once, did not like it ”. He then asked if he would join him for scrabble. Again the old man replied “ Tried it once, did not like it.” He got same reply for game of darts too. At last he asked the old man if he would like to play snooker and was told “ Tried it once, did not like it, however my son would be here soon and you can play with him ”. To this the young man retorted under breath “ I think he must be your only child ”.
An average man has sex life in three stages :
Tri – Weekly
Try – Weekly
and
Try - Weakly
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