ANY SOLUTIONS ?

This is a real life situation showing what wife and husband have in their mind in a troubled marriage but do not communicate with each other freely and logically. I request for your views :-

I am Naina. I am 26. I have been complimented often for being tall, slim, fair and attractive. I have been married for 2 years now. I am not very happy since soon after marriage. I do not want anyone to interfere in the way I live and I want my husband, Sujit to do what so ever I tell him. Though he is very handsome, smart and very nice and understanding, this is causing a lot of friction. We are staying with his parents and my husband is not willing to live separately in spite of my strong desire for that. His mother is ok though at times we do have differences and I argue with her. His father is very helpful and tries to see that we all live in harmony. He supports me but does advise me to mend my ways too. To make you understand my problem let me tell you something of my background.

As far as I can remember my father had been very strict and did not allow me any freedom. I was not permitted to stay out late into evenings with my friends right from childhood or have chaat, golgappas etc. Even clothes I wore had to have his approval. My mother hardly had any say as he controled the house with iron fist. He controlled my life in every way. This made me underconfident and feel so dependent on him that I had to seek his consent for everything I did. If ever I did something he did not approve of, he used to beat me. As I grew older he used to slap only but very hard. This carried on till I was almost 14 or 15. Thereafter he did not hit me but used to penalize me by denying some thing or the other which I wanted badly. I felt very deprived and resented this as I saw my friends living carefree life which I too was keen on. Subconsciously I started doing things secretly which I knew he would not approve. Of course, nothing like smoking or taking drugs but like seeing adult movies on VCR while visiting some friend or dressing up in their short skirts or shorts and skimpy tops while in their house or having chaat etc. or things like that. Thus it became a habit to do something which I was told not to. Whatever little circle of friends I had was all girls approved by him and he did not like my mixing with boys. When I was in final year of school, just to prove to myself that I can do something at my own without asking for his approval , I agreed to be friends with a guy who had been asking me to be his girlfriend for a long time. He was my senior by two years in school and was in college then. He was staying in our locality at a little distance. I kept it secret from my father and told all my friends not to mention it in his presence. We used to meet for short time during my evening walks as I could not stay out late. At times he used to meet me outside my school while I waited for the school bus to leave but I could never bunk school to go with him. My outings from home were strictly controlled. At times I used to make excuse to go to the house of my close girlfriend who was also my class mate for studies and instead meet him close to her house. She was aware of it and stood by me in case of any call from my home. I used to get vicarious pleasure that I have a boyfriend, something which my father would never have approved of.

We had been friends for almost a year when I entered college. My father had let me have mobile so he could keep tabs on me. He used to check my call details and messages. I used to delete all such calls or messages which I did not want him to see. Now that strict school regime was not there, we could meet more often. Many a times he used to come to my college in his car and we went to nearby restaurant or park depending upon time available in between lectures. During school days it was nothing serious from my side but something I wanted to do which my father would disapprove of. Now as we spent more time together we came to know each other well and I started liking him a lot. Though I had made it quite clear to him that I did not want any physical intimacy but as time passed hugging and kissing came as a natural consequence. Frankly I loved his attention towards me. By the time I was in 2nd year we had become more playful and were quite comfortable with each other but I still did not agree to go all the way though he hopefully pleaded many times. At times when there were no classes in the afternoon he used to pick me up if no one was at his house and we spent some time cozying up. I then used to reach home as if coming back from college. During one such visit by end of my second year we were lying in the bed fooling around when he forced himself onto me. Though I was not willing but did not put up much of resistance as I was feeling highly aroused. I would be honest that after initial pain I did have some pleasant sensation much more than what I had felt earlier. After it was over I cried a little while he apologized for not having been able to control himself . Later on while thinking it over, I felt a kind of high for having done something which my father would not ever have thought I would do. Thus after a few days when we were in his house I did not stop him. After that we did it whenever we had an opportunity. In my mind this was like freedom to do whatever I want and paying back my father for his strictness. I had by now got used to doing things which I was told not to, but of course not openly as I outwardly still remained an obedient daughter. After post graduation he got a good job in another town. We used to meet during his periodic visits home.

I too started working after post graduation. My father was not for it but relented when my mother took my side. In my office life too I did not conform to rules much as I felt being controlled. Thus many a times my boss ticked me off. Soon I realized that I could have my way if I played along with my boss’s flirtatious ways. He was in mid 30s and married. It lead to my having physical relations with him after a while. I could have my way and felt I was in control of everything. But this was not for long as he joined another company. He offered to take me along but I had to decline as it was in nearby town which my father would never have agreed to.

By now my father started looking for suitable match for my marriage. I told him that I liked someone and would like him to be considered. My father flew into such a rage that I cowered away fearing physical hurt. He told me that I need not go for work anymore till I am married off. After a few days of home confinement he agreed to let me go only on one condition that he would monitor all my movements. To cut it short now, I was married off within a couple of months after that. I have not told my husband anything about my affairs. As a matter of fact in our first meeting he told me that we should let past be past and if we do marry we should start our life afresh. I however met my boyfriend a few times after marriage too whenever my husband was away on tour. I think my father in law has strong inkling about it as once or twice he told me that I should not let the past ruin my married life. I do feel the burden in my mind and this makes me behave the way I do. At time feel like telling all to my husband but am scared of consequences, specially reaction of my father if he is told all this. I could speak to my father in law as he is very level headed and may give me right advice as well as support. I do want to have happy married life as well as children but am confused.


I am Naina’s husband. I feel so depressed at the way she behaves. She makes lot of fuss on small issues and often quarrels with me. A number of times after such quarrel she goes off to her parents place. She keeps after me to do this or do that and wants to control all my movements. I can not even talk to my old friends without her overhearing what to talk about spending some time with them. I was brought up in a very open minded atmosphere and had a lot of space. My parents, specially my father made me understand my responsibilities while allowing all the freedom I wanted. I have had my free run as a bachelor but the girl I liked could not make her parents agree for marriage with me. My parents were very supportive and my father even told me that if I wished to go for court marriage, he would support me but I did not want to start my married life on a sour note. So I told my parents to find suitable match for me. My father was firm that though they would find the girl but I have to meet her and it had to be a joint decision with the girl. I met Naina alone outside her office and we spent almost 2 hours in a restaurant. I told her that at our age there is a lot which goes on but if she decides to marry me, we should let past be past and start our life afresh for happiness. My parents are very supportive and have left us to settle down with each other without any interference. Even when we have quarrels they let us sort our affairs at our own. I do not know how should I make her understand that this is her home now and she should feel so. She does not want children at present even while my parents are keen to have grandchild. She keeps calling her father on every small thing asking for his opinion. This makes me feel so little. I am at my wits end how to make her understand to be a part of family now.