Friday, December 18, 2009

ANY SOLUTIONS ?

This is a real life situation showing what wife and husband have in their mind in a troubled marriage but do not communicate with each other freely and logically. I request for your views :-

I am Naina. I am 26. I have been complimented often for being tall, slim, fair and attractive. I have been married for 2 years now. I am not very happy since soon after marriage. I do not want anyone to interfere in the way I live and I want my husband, Sujit to do what so ever I tell him. Though he is very handsome, smart and very nice and understanding, this is causing a lot of friction. We are staying with his parents and my husband is not willing to live separately in spite of my strong desire for that. His mother is ok though at times we do have differences and I argue with her. His father is very helpful and tries to see that we all live in harmony. He supports me but does advise me to mend my ways too. To make you understand my problem let me tell you something of my background.

As far as I can remember my father had been very strict and did not allow me any freedom. I was not permitted to stay out late into evenings with my friends right from childhood or have chaat, golgappas etc. Even clothes I wore had to have his approval. My mother hardly had any say as he controled the house with iron fist. He controlled my life in every way. This made me underconfident and feel so dependent on him that I had to seek his consent for everything I did. If ever I did something he did not approve of, he used to beat me. As I grew older he used to slap only but very hard. This carried on till I was almost 14 or 15. Thereafter he did not hit me but used to penalize me by denying some thing or the other which I wanted badly. I felt very deprived and resented this as I saw my friends living carefree life which I too was keen on. Subconsciously I started doing things secretly which I knew he would not approve. Of course, nothing like smoking or taking drugs but like seeing adult movies on VCR while visiting some friend or dressing up in their short skirts or shorts and skimpy tops while in their house or having chaat etc. or things like that. Thus it became a habit to do something which I was told not to. Whatever little circle of friends I had was all girls approved by him and he did not like my mixing with boys. When I was in final year of school, just to prove to myself that I can do something at my own without asking for his approval , I agreed to be friends with a guy who had been asking me to be his girlfriend for a long time. He was my senior by two years in school and was in college then. He was staying in our locality at a little distance. I kept it secret from my father and told all my friends not to mention it in his presence. We used to meet for short time during my evening walks as I could not stay out late. At times he used to meet me outside my school while I waited for the school bus to leave but I could never bunk school to go with him. My outings from home were strictly controlled. At times I used to make excuse to go to the house of my close girlfriend who was also my class mate for studies and instead meet him close to her house. She was aware of it and stood by me in case of any call from my home. I used to get vicarious pleasure that I have a boyfriend, something which my father would never have approved of.

We had been friends for almost a year when I entered college. My father had let me have mobile so he could keep tabs on me. He used to check my call details and messages. I used to delete all such calls or messages which I did not want him to see. Now that strict school regime was not there, we could meet more often. Many a times he used to come to my college in his car and we went to nearby restaurant or park depending upon time available in between lectures. During school days it was nothing serious from my side but something I wanted to do which my father would disapprove of. Now as we spent more time together we came to know each other well and I started liking him a lot. Though I had made it quite clear to him that I did not want any physical intimacy but as time passed hugging and kissing came as a natural consequence. Frankly I loved his attention towards me. By the time I was in 2nd year we had become more playful and were quite comfortable with each other but I still did not agree to go all the way though he hopefully pleaded many times. At times when there were no classes in the afternoon he used to pick me up if no one was at his house and we spent some time cozying up. I then used to reach home as if coming back from college. During one such visit by end of my second year we were lying in the bed fooling around when he forced himself onto me. Though I was not willing but did not put up much of resistance as I was feeling highly aroused. I would be honest that after initial pain I did have some pleasant sensation much more than what I had felt earlier. After it was over I cried a little while he apologized for not having been able to control himself . Later on while thinking it over, I felt a kind of high for having done something which my father would not ever have thought I would do. Thus after a few days when we were in his house I did not stop him. After that we did it whenever we had an opportunity. In my mind this was like freedom to do whatever I want and paying back my father for his strictness. I had by now got used to doing things which I was told not to, but of course not openly as I outwardly still remained an obedient daughter. After post graduation he got a good job in another town. We used to meet during his periodic visits home.

I too started working after post graduation. My father was not for it but relented when my mother took my side. In my office life too I did not conform to rules much as I felt being controlled. Thus many a times my boss ticked me off. Soon I realized that I could have my way if I played along with my boss’s flirtatious ways. He was in mid 30s and married. It lead to my having physical relations with him after a while. I could have my way and felt I was in control of everything. But this was not for long as he joined another company. He offered to take me along but I had to decline as it was in nearby town which my father would never have agreed to.

By now my father started looking for suitable match for my marriage. I told him that I liked someone and would like him to be considered. My father flew into such a rage that I cowered away fearing physical hurt. He told me that I need not go for work anymore till I am married off. After a few days of home confinement he agreed to let me go only on one condition that he would monitor all my movements. To cut it short now, I was married off within a couple of months after that. I have not told my husband anything about my affairs. As a matter of fact in our first meeting he told me that we should let past be past and if we do marry we should start our life afresh. I however met my boyfriend a few times after marriage too whenever my husband was away on tour. I think my father in law has strong inkling about it as once or twice he told me that I should not let the past ruin my married life. I do feel the burden in my mind and this makes me behave the way I do. At time feel like telling all to my husband but am scared of consequences, specially reaction of my father if he is told all this. I could speak to my father in law as he is very level headed and may give me right advice as well as support. I do want to have happy married life as well as children but am confused.


I am Naina’s husband. I feel so depressed at the way she behaves. She makes lot of fuss on small issues and often quarrels with me. A number of times after such quarrel she goes off to her parents place. She keeps after me to do this or do that and wants to control all my movements. I can not even talk to my old friends without her overhearing what to talk about spending some time with them. I was brought up in a very open minded atmosphere and had a lot of space. My parents, specially my father made me understand my responsibilities while allowing all the freedom I wanted. I have had my free run as a bachelor but the girl I liked could not make her parents agree for marriage with me. My parents were very supportive and my father even told me that if I wished to go for court marriage, he would support me but I did not want to start my married life on a sour note. So I told my parents to find suitable match for me. My father was firm that though they would find the girl but I have to meet her and it had to be a joint decision with the girl. I met Naina alone outside her office and we spent almost 2 hours in a restaurant. I told her that at our age there is a lot which goes on but if she decides to marry me, we should let past be past and start our life afresh for happiness. My parents are very supportive and have left us to settle down with each other without any interference. Even when we have quarrels they let us sort our affairs at our own. I do not know how should I make her understand that this is her home now and she should feel so. She does not want children at present even while my parents are keen to have grandchild. She keeps calling her father on every small thing asking for his opinion. This makes me feel so little. I am at my wits end how to make her understand to be a part of family now.

27 comments:

ash89 said...

God! That sounded so familiar! Major communication problems! I wish people would just talk about their problems rather than hide them n sulk.

Ramit said...

Not an easy case. But surely very common. Communication is very important in any relation.

Considering that the girl has had a troubled childhood, the husband has no way but to be very patient with the girl and win her confidence.

It would be rather easy to blame Naina's father for being so strict that Naina wanted only to break his rules. But, on the other hand you could also say that Naina is demented too. She's responsible for ruining her own life too. Going beyond parents rules is one thing, but to risk meeting your ex after getting married behind your husband's and in-laws back is another. That's a strict no no.

If the husband even after knowing that the wife is meeting her ex secretly, stays on with the girl, then either he's stupid, or super great.

It's not easy to say here who's right or who's wrong. Each couple is so different. They must solve this themselves. No one can help them and indeed it would ruin their marriage if someone came in between them.

This is all I can think of now, will be back later if I think of something else.

Sakshi said...

Complications complications...!!

Naina: If you read this- then RE READ it. Because what your husband wrote reflects your father's behaviour in you, something that you have detested. How can you ever expect the other person to always be under your control, when you yourself don't like that?
You have had a tough childhood!! But trust me, that is no excuse for spoiling your married life. I know of someone who had a very tough life with a strict father, but after marriage, she made sure that, she doesn't let the past really get in her way.
You should be proud of the fact that you have such a supportive father in law. You should, look for the fatherly love that you have craved for so long from him.
And, please take some serious counselling sessions to really let go of your past. You need professional help.

As far as staying away from the in laws is concerned, I feel that if you have such wonderful set of in laws cash into the opportunity to really have happy house. And, go away on weekends or on holidays just the two of you...

Sujit: You have been a very caring and understanding partner. Continue to do that and please don't get so wary of her. Talk to her and again I emphasize on getting professional help.
Having the children issue is between the two of you. Both of you need to be ready emotionally, mentally, financially to be able to have a child. Talk to each other and reason it out.

All the best.

Tongue-fu Lady said...

Communication Gap plus over protectiveness drives people to do crazy stuff... I have seen many such Nainas in my life.. its sad how they eventually fall prey in their own "web". This is a reason why I feel lucky to have my parents. We have had open discussions on every thing..plus they never kept a "tab" on me. The fact that they trust me, stops me from making rash decisions..
I feel parents should give their kids some space.. a little drop of faith works wonders.
now our protagonist, Naina should first clear her emotional mess - bf or husband? also, once a girl is married she is her husband's responsibility ( stupid age-old indian concept, yet followed by many!).So running off for daddy's approval everytime will finish whatever is left off her marriage. it will make ur (indian) husband feel, less of a man.
Telling her husband about her past will do no good either. Sounds unethical, but no man, i repeat, no man can bear the fact that his wife had sex with another man before marriage.Forget about confessing extra marital affairs, unless u wanna divorce him.
As for Sujit, dude your wife is cheating on you..how dumb can you be? leave her or live with it. Be a man and face her. If you want to save your marriage, stop crying and analysing. Just Talk!

Ramit said...

Just came back to see what other people have written and I think Sakshi's reply is really wonderful.

Jack said...

ASH :

True, it is major communication problem. She needs to have more faith in her husband and family now that she is not under strict control. Take care


RAMIT :

Thanks for giving a considered opinion. They have to communicate with more trust and confidence to sort it out at their own. Sujit is not aware of her clandestine meetings. She needs to get over past now and make efforts to be one of the family. As you said in second visit, what Sakshi says should work out. Take care


SAKSHI :

I feel so proud that you have given your time to analyse the situation. I have advised them almost on the same lines. I will defintely give print out of your advice to her. This will have more impact as it is coming from someone close to her age and not me. Hope you read my post on Parent - Children relationship as well as others too.
Take care


T - f L :

I agree with you that relationship between parents and children should be based on open attitude and discussions. I have written a post on this, few days ago. Please do give your views on that. I also agree that she has to get over past and settle down now. It is a fact that no man will feel comfortable to learn that his wife has had physical relations with someone else,no matter how many he himself may have had. She has to have more faith in her new family and be part of it now.
Take care

Sakshi said...

I just re read what I wrote. Thanks a ton Ramit and Uncle J.

Keshi said...

Alot of the time, ppl get into Marriages w.o. really u'standing each other or knowing how to communicate effectively. Often ppl think Marriage is a social trend that needs to be followed, and when Reality hits them on the face few months or years after the honeymoon, all hell breaks loose :)



Merry Christmas & a very Happy New Year to ya Jack! :)

Keshi.

Jack said...

KESHI :

It is so nice to see you here. Open and logical two way communication is one of the pillars of any healthy relationship. Also one needs to understand all aspects and adjust accordingly. Of course, it does not mean that one loses self respect or individuality but there is a need to overcome ego and see things from other's point of view also.

Take care

sulagna said...

Jack this sounds so familar to us..its liek something we have seen about our friends or us as we have grown up..please note i use the word grown up here because i would now stress on maturity.

as a juvenile,having a steamy affair,falling in love,disobeying parents is a very frequent pattern fro most of us.its part of life and honestly its fun to have a wild side when you are young.

however,if you are married,its about two people and two families.for naina its crucial to understand some things
1.sujit would not appreciate her revisiting her past,since he has been benevolent enough to forgo and forsee her past

2.having a wonderfull father in law should infact urge one to become a part of the family,accepting and thanking God for giving such wonderful people in her life

finally no matter,what we as third party suggest or advise her or sujith,the realisation has to dawn on them. for naina ,if she does not accpet her family n husband now,it will be too late to repent.

for sujit,its probably a test of time where he needs to extend patience to his wife and love her enough to realise her follies(if we can call it so)

this was interesting jack,a little advise from friends should help..if you could pass on this link to "naina" i am sure it will help her knowing,so many unknown people empathise with her and wish her luck.

Jack said...

SULAGNA :

I entirely agree with you. Thanks for such frank talk specially with reference to young age. I will give print out of this to her. As I had told Sakshi also this will have more impact as it is from someone closer to her age and in your case married too. And as you say we all may advise her or him to the best of our thinking but it is she or he who have to do what needs to be done.

Take care

geeta banati said...

Lack of communication.....or let us say lack of healthy communication is the biggest problem in any relationships.
Naina is blessed with an understanding husband and in-laws.Its high time that she should understand and accept that past is history and should take care that it does not reflect and ruin her present.
Rest of the decisions of life depends on their mutual understanding.

Americanising Desi said...

and i have no thoughts to share cuz i mesed up my own marriage!

Jack said...

GEETA :

It is true. Frank and logical two way communication is one of the most important basis for any relationship to be healthy. I will pass on your views to Naina. Take care


A D :

No, please do not blame yourself so harshly unless you did it on purpose. I am sure that the circumstances led to what happened with little misthinking on your part. You may share it if you feel comfortable. Take care

Tranquility Speaks said...

I could in a lot of ways relate to this. The parents of a girl are ever so cautious so that no harm comes to their girl, but too much of control and helicopter parenting and the child is bound to rebel.

If this story is true, then the wife needs to talk to her husband openly. A relationship is based on trust. How long can she live with the feelings of guilt. And if she wants to live happily ever after in her married life and she understands where she's coming from, then she must seek help. Psychiatric help maybe and she should understand that she needs to rise above the social stigma associated with doing that. Through that she must undo the negative effect the parenting had on her.

Here's wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas and a happy new year

Tabitha said...

I think one needs to be very transperant about certain things..If u hv problems wid ur spouse...I say! confront and sought things out than to remain closed

Jack said...

TRANQUILITY :

First of all it is not a story but factual happening. I agree she needs qualified help as she is under a lot of pressure. However I also feel that no husband will take it easily about his wife having been with someone else, specially after marriage. Sujit had already told her to let past be past and did not want to know anything about it. So Naina has to bear that in her mind and not to talk of old affairs. She needs to come out of controlling mode and adjust now.

Thanks for wishes. May you too have a very happy time during Christmis and New Year. Take care


TABITHA :

Two way open, frank and logical communication is a must for any healthy relationship. But there are few things which need to be kept off. As I said above to Tranquility that no husband will take it easily about his wife having been with someone else, specially after marriage. Sujit had already told her to let past be past and did not want to know anything about it. So Naina has to bear that in her mind and not to talk of old affairs. She needs to come out of controlling mode and adjust now. Take care

Nahl said...

You know, we have a lot on our plate. We shouldn't let that go just because of wishful thinking. I know I'm not the one to speak-but if I could offer any advice, it would be this.
Great post uncle jack.

Heavenly Muse said...

what can i say other thn this ,a person;s wrong attitude and strategies as a father ruined lives of so many people.

nups said...

hey Jack
Merry Xmas my dear friend :)
a very intense post.... lots of suggestions i can c that.... i wont give mine.... i jus realise life is tough.... many battles n complications... at times we jus need to get up shake ourselves .. realise its short n nt worth so much pain.... n d wat makes us happy... getting our act together is v important.....
so Jack.. how have u been send me ur mail id pls.... will send u wedding pics

Lust4Life said...

Hi Jack,

Merry Christmas :)

This sounds like a familiar story.

Though it looks lil complicated, I believe things can be changed for the better.

My two cents:
The gal wants to live in a dif house. Her hubby shud support her and see if living separately may bring them close, develop better understanding, trust and bond. She seems to be a control freak inspired by her dad and should approach a counsellor to save their relationship.


Love,Live,Laughter
Lust4Life

Jack said...

NAHL :

I agree with one one should not let go of good things available just for some elusive happiness. Thanks for appreciating the post. Take care


H M :

What you say is true. One should not ruin life for past happenings. Take care


NUPS :

I visited you a while ago without knowing you have been here. You said it rightly that one has to shake oneself and put the act together for all round happiness. My e-mail id is

niceguy251@gmail.com

I will be highly delighted to see the lucky young man who won you over. Take care

Jack said...

L 4 L :

By the time I posted replies to Nahl, HM and Nups your views landed up. So here I am with you now. First of all I must welcome you to my this space. What you say does make a lot of sense but I feel that living alone may make her increase her contact with her ex. This is what was conveyed by Sujit in round about words. However it is worth a try and to start with they may go out more often for week ends to tourist spots and spend time at their own out of home. Take care

Jigyasa said...

Well......honestly this doesnt sounds familiar....communication problem - yes its there almost in every relationship, ofcourse at different levels though!

What worries me here is - the complicated backgrounds, and rigidity in Naina's mind. It's like her pre-conceived notions are not letting herself set free. But Sujit is definitely the answer...I wish her Father-in-law could intervene in the situation to help his kids.

Jack said...

Jigyasa,

Communication is one of the problems in this. As I have said earlier to Tabitha that some things need to be kept away from partner. I feel no husband would like to hear about physical relations of his wife before marriage. Openness on all other matters is must for healthy and happy marriage, isn't it? His father is doing his best to help out but she has not been open to him.

Take care

Starry-eyed nut said...

I agree with what a lot of people have said. Communication is the major problem. Given the circumstances of the girl, the husband needs to very understanding and to be understanding he needs to know of her past. She definitely needs to tell her about her past, only then can they sit together and solve the issues here.

Jack said...

Abhilasha,

Thanks for your visit. No matter how advanced a man may be, if told by his wife about her physical relations he may not say anything at that time but it will remain in some corner of his mind all along which may erupt at some later stage. In this case Sujit has already said that past is past and he does not wish to know anything about it. She should now make efforts to settle down and get over her controlling habit.

Take care