I am sitting at my favorite spot, in small balcony attached to my bedroom facing rear of our 12 floor building. We live on the 10th floor. There is hardly anyone to be seen below as it faces a park beyond the boundary wall. This is where I come and go over many things which trouble my mind to sort them out. As usual I sit here for this only at night and it is almost midnight now. Today I have a major issue to be given thought to and decide my future action. Oh, I have not introduced myself. Let me start from beginning.
My name is Richa. I am going to be 18 this month and have passed my 12th. I have joined college recently. I am from a well to do family. My parents have this flat and my grandparents are with us. My uncles, two of them, stay in flats next to us. So it is like a joint family as most of the times we all are together. I was born first and then my younger brother, little over 6 years my junior, arrived. As far as I can remember my father did not have much time for me during my childhood. Even when I went to school he never asked how was I doing. My mother too did not have very close relation with me. My grandmother always was scolding me for something or the other. Only my grandfather showed some concern for me. He used to take me to school and bring me back too till I reached 6th standard. Thereafter I used to go with other girls from the same locality as the school was not very far off. I saw my father giving so much attention to my brother right from his birth. Even my mother and grandmother used to always be by his side and listen to all his demands when he started making them. I never understood the reasons but only once I grew up and realized that different treatment between us siblings was as I am a girl and he is a boy. Let me not say too much of this as I would like to get to the main point. This is just to give you little of my background. I was denied of many little joys of life in childhood. One of my uncles has 1 son while other has 2 sons and my cousins too did not mix well with me though we had very little age difference. It seems that I was not acceptable being a girl. I was asked to share house hold chores and never encouraged to go out to meet friends or play while all the boys had all the liberties. Inspite of being in a house full of relations I felt so lonely.
Rakesh who is son of my Chachi’s ( uncle’s wife ) brother came over to this city about two years ago as management trainee in one of the companies. He is about 4 years elder to me. He is staying in a working boys’ hostel and visits us on week ends. He after a couple of months somehow noticed my loneliness and showed sympathy. I liked his behavior and concern towards me. He tried to involve me in games which boys used to play in the house but found that others were not keen at all. About a year ago when school got over I found him at the gate of our school. He told me that he was around this side and thought of walking me home. I felt happy as that day I did not have any company. On the way he told me about his life till then and conveyed that he would like to see me happy. On reaching home he told me to go ahead and not to tell anyone we came together as he felt it will not be taken kindly. I too felt the same. This walk back was repeated a few times. Then one day he told me that he would like to spend some time with me and understand why I seem so unhappy most of the times. On my telling that we may talk when he is home, he told that did I not notice that whenever we are together at home we are under watch all the time. On reflection I realized that it was true as whenever we were alone even for a moment my grandmother or mother or aunt used to come over. He suggested that as I was in 12th I should join extra coaching classes after school which were held in the school itself. These classes were for 2 hours but most of the times took little longer. There was some resistance at home mainly from my father but finally I was allowed.
He started meeting me after these extra classes and we used to spend about half an hour or so together. He used to praise me for my good behavior and good marks in examinations. We went to some small restaurant a few times and had some cold drinks etc. I started liking his company. At times we just sat in a park eating bhel puri or something likewise. I used to dream of time spent with him and looked forward to it. Once my preparatory holidays started it was only for special classes that I used to go , thus enabling me to meet him often. During examinations we met few times only. Then we could not meet as I was not allowed to go out of house without someone or the other going with me. This made me long for his company. He too on visits used to give me sad looks without saying anything. Once my college started we met during my free periods.
One day he took me to his friend’s house. His friend was there but left to bring something to eat. While we were there he told me that he has fallen in love with me. He knelt down infront of me while saying so. He held my hand and kissed it. I was so surprised and overwhelmed by feeling of happiness. He got up and hugged me asking if I too loved him. I told him yes. Thereafter it became a practice to go there. His friend was staying alone in that house and used to go out on some pretext or the other when we got there. I started liking his holding me close and when he kissed me few days later I did not resent. His hugging and kisses used to raise a tingling sensation in me. Not to go into intimate details, one thing led to another. We started indulging in feeling each other. His forbidden touches used to send shivers down. He coaxed me to partially undress. I did not offer much resistance as I felt he truly loved me and I too had so much of love for him. A fortnight ago we crossed all limits before I could gain my self control we ended up going all the way. After what happened I cried but he consoled me that we are in love and it is normal when two persons love each other so much. I could not sleep that night fearing what if someone came to know or if I became pregnant. Next day when I told him my fears he laughed telling me while he pulled me into his arms not to fear as he will always be with me. We ended up repeating our act again. I will be honest, after initial pain I did like it. So I was not very hesitant that day. We have done it a few times and I feel so attached to him.
Lately I felt little change in his attitude. I asked him if there was anything to which he replied in negative. I also asked him if we should tell our parents that we wish to get married. He told me that though he deeply loves me he can not think of marriage till he settles down with proper job. However he insisted that we should continue our relation as we love each other so much. I do not wish to continue in this manner. This is causing so much of stress what if we are discovered. I feel so used and do not know what to do. I feel like jumping off the balcony now but it would bring bad name to my family. I do not know how long will it take for me to come to any decision as on one hand I deeply love him while on the other hand I am not keen at all to continue in this manner. I am really in a dilemma.
NOTE : Though it is fiction but could be reality too. This is my attempt to show how youngsters due to some perceived reason or the other get into such situations without realizing the emotional aspects or letting their conscience guide them.