NEW YEAR WISHES

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU.

MAY 2011 BE JUST THE WAY YOU WANT IT TO BE.

IS IT FAIR?

This is my 50th post of the year. I was searching for suitable topic to put my thoughts across and it struck me that it is time of the year for annual appraisals in many organizations. So why not say something about that.

The meaning of appraisal as given in Oxford Dictionary is “1. the action of assessing. 2 a formal assessment of an employee’s performance.”

So this is supposed to be an assessment of an employee’s performance during the period of assessment. But is it so? Most of the organizations including Governmental set %age limits of giving various levels of assessments i e exceptional, above average, average, satisfactory etc etc should not exceed so much % of strength of employees being assessed. Thus appraising authority has now to categorise employees he or she is assessing within those limits. So it therefore becomes a process of comparison of each individual’s performance vis-à-vis his or her colleagues. Don’t you think that when this comparison is done, it can lead to extraneous factors? This defeats the main purpose of appraisal “ A FORMAL ASSESSMENT OF INDIVIDUAL EMPLOYEE’S PERFORMANCE.”

I have always been advocating that we do not compare one with other but his or her performance be judged as it is - be it Good, Bad or Ugly.

May I have your views on this?

RESPECT FOR RELIGION

This is with no intentions to hurt anyone’s sentiments. It is my personal thought. While I fully respect all religions but also feel that faith is choice of an individual.

I was so amazed to read that there have been objections by some organization on religious tattoo of some TV artiste and this is the second instance it has been stated. If someone is so strongly religious that he or she wants to have a religious symbol embossed on body without showing any disrespect why should there be any hue and cry? As seen in the picture she has tattoo on left side of chest, thus showing deep respect to the symbol having it close to her heart all the time. I would be the first person to raise an objection, without any bias of religion, if it was on any part of body showing disrespect. Those who point finger at any one for showing disrespect should first search their own heart to see if they have never done anything against the tenets of their religion. Can we not have little open mind on such matters? Or do we have so much of time at hands that we waste it on such matters instead of concentrating on some constructive work? There are so many persons in need of help for something or the other, should we not utilize our time and efforts for that?

DOUBLE STANDARDS

Finally I am back as our internet has been shifted. So here I am with you all again. It will take some days before I can visit all of you and also reply to your comments. Please bear with me.

On shifting out of Vasant Kunj after second stint stay of more than a decade to Dwarka, I was out exploring the market area of new place to see if all my necessities are available. The market is well spread and comparable to Connaught Place. So I decided to look around over a couple of days at leisure. Driving does not let you have a proper look making one can miss out what is on search radar . As the market was within comfortable distance, I decided to walk from the complex we had our new abode. I did find what all I was looking for within my walking distance and that made me quite happy. But what I am going to tell you is something which we all must give a thought to.

I found the market to be upscale. The gentry seemed to be educated and well placed in life. I found a lady looking for place to park her car and all the while she was loudly cursing others for parking their cars haphazardly making it difficult for her to find parking space. And when she did find space, she parked her car blocking exit of at least another car as well as a couple of two wheelers. This set me thinking when we do not want others to do something wrong do we have right to do wrong ourselves?

WHY ?

She had walked out of her marriage of over 18 years.

A little over month ago I alongwith my wife had gone to the vast departmental store which we frequent for our household needs and met her there. She was in Customer Care and enquired from us if we faced any difficulty. She is in early 40s. We found her very respectful and genuinely interested in helping customers. Over next few visits we developed bond with her. She and my wife got along as if they were long lost friends, though she was much younger. It was only last week that she confided in my wife.

She had worked for a few years after completing her graduation. Her had been a modest businessman and reasonably well off. She had arranged marriage with a match suggested by some far relative. His family also has been in business and well off. He lived with parents while his elder sister was married and lived in nearby town. Her father went by whatever was said by that lady relative. Few days after marriage she came to know that he had penchant for girls and had liaison with many other girls which he continued doing. His parents were of the opinion that once he was married he would get over this habit. His sister was almost on not speaking terms with him as he had tried to flirt with her sister in law.

She kept this to herself as her father who had heart ailment, would have been distraught on hearing it. Her brother was much too young to do anything. Her mother in law advised that she continue to make efforts to change him. She tried all methods but he used to become violent and hit her if she tried to stop him from going out. His father had got married rather late in life and was getting on the years. As such he remained mute spectator. He passed away in second year of her marriage. Now there was no one to say anything to him as he inherited the business.

She bore with this shame all these years without telling anyone. In due course she had a daughter and few years later a son. For the sake of children she kept quiet and stopped trying to change him. With advancing age it was becoming difficult for him to find girls so he started visiting women of ill repute. Their marriage was just for show. Her mother in law too passed away a couple of years ago. Now what made her walk out was that about three months ago while highly inebriated and frustrated at not finding any girl to satisfy his lust he misbehaved with his 16 years old daughter. This was beyond her tolerance and she hit him with a rod rescuing young girl. She did not even wait for daybreak and left that house with children with whatever little she could pack. She moved to her mother’s house. Next day her husband came begging her to return but she told him in no uncertain terms that time has come that he pays for his sins.

What surprised me is that being an educated girl she put up with this hell for so long. In my opinion she should have walked out long long ago even before children were born.


PS : We are shifting our residence, so I may not be coming on internet for few days till the same is installed at new house.

VULGARITY ?

OK, so you have it, means not under discussion, but do you have to indulge in vulgar show of your wealth? Or compete to show that you can do more? And that too by making something much much beyond most luxurious living. Does this wasteful expenditure not prick your conscience? Would that excess expenditure not meet bare necessities of so many underprivileged? Or provide good education to so many needy bright students of weaker section? Oh! May be you have no such feelings.

GO TO HELL

Sometimes you want to say the above words as you feel so disgusted at the adamant behavior of the person but you can not as it is not your nature or may be that person is very close to you. What do you do in such situation? Do you just sulk? Or do you withdraw into your shell? Or you just let it pass and forget about it? Or you politely tell the person it is not acceptable? Or you ignore that person and carry on as usual?

FACE LIFE AS IT COMES

Ankit and Ankita were like two sides of the same coin. They both had akin qualifications and were doing similar job, though in different departments. I had joined that organization a few weeks ago and could easily see that they were in love. He was elder by a couple of years. He was a migrant while she belonged the same place. Everyone expected them to get married soon. I interacted with employees as part of my job. A lot of them used to come to me if they faced any problem or had some suggestions for improvement in day to day activities. Both of them somehow got close to me and confided in me.

His parents had given their blessings but her father was reluctant. The reason being that Ankit or his family did not own any house in that place. They had property at their native place but due to law & order situation they had not been there for a long time. It was told that distant relatives who were there had taken over everything and it would need a lot of community persuasion or may be even litigation before they could get it back. She did not mind to go ahead with marriage without her family’s participation and he was firm that they would not do anything which can cause break up in relationships. They both were waiting that may be her father would agree some day.

About six months later it was learnt that her father had fixed her marriage with one of his friend’s son. She knew not only that boy but his family also very well. Her father put emotional pressure on her and she could not resist. In about 15 days she was married off. She was on leave for a month. In this time Ankit left for another company as he told me he would not like to cause any unwanted situation for her. On her return she tried to contact him but on her calling up he wished her all the best and told her to settle down happily with her husband. Once she told me that she misses him a lot and memories keep flooding her mind whenever she is in office. I advised her to change job so with change of environments it would be easy for her to overcome this mental condition. She did so within a short period.

Both of them kept in touch with me. I took care not to ever talk to them about other. She was blessed with twins, a boy and a girl, in about two years of marriage. Her husband is doing very well and is in a senior VP in his company. She too has done well in new company and is very respected by all there. His parents are staying with them, so children have proper care.

Ankit was sent abroad by his company for further training and on return he was sent to another city to set up new plant. He too got married the year she was blessed with twins. His parents had selected girl for him. He is very busy in his new assignment while she has her own boutique. They have a son. His parents too had moved with him.

My aim of narrating this was to bring out that it is not end of the world if we do not get what we desire. It is advisable to face the situation bravely and be logical in taking further decisions.

? ? ? ? ?

It was colder than expected. I was little early for my morning walk. Dawn was slowly pushing the night away. There was hardly anyone else. I was alone on this long stretch of road. I was silently saying prayers as usual. Suddenly I felt as if someone was keeping pace with me on my side. I tried to see who was there from corner of my eye. I could not make out any shape. It was just a brilliant light encased in what seemed like mist. I was mystified. Then I heard a booming voice which seemed to come from heaven.

“ Son! I have been watching you for sometime and thought it is time to meet you.”

Tubelight with bad choke just lit up “ OMG! Is that you God?”

“Who else do you think I am?”

“ But God, I can hardly make out any shape or figure.”

“ I have no shape or figure but you people have given me different shapes or figures and names.”

“ OK, God! I sincerely apologize.”

“ It is OK. I am here today as I want to grant you one boon. What would you like to have, Son?”

After mulling over for some time, “ God! There are so many things which need to be rectified in this world so may I request you to empower me to do what I ever wish to.”

“ That is blanket power you are asking for, Son. What is in your mind which you wish to do?”

“ Well, God! You, of course, know I enjoy good things in life which includes admiring beauty - living or of mother nature. I do look at a gorgeous woman second time but beyond that is something which I feel is not decent. So the first thing I will do once you bless me with such power is to cast a spell by which as soon as someone starts eve-teasing, his bladder control will give way making him wet his pants or whatever in public becoming an object of ridicule.”

“ Noble thought, Son. What next?”

“ Well, God. Next on the list is that as soon as someone raises hand to snatch a chain or purse or bag etc he or she will freeze like in game statue statue. His or her vehicle, if any, will also seize.”

“ I agree, Son. There have been little too many of such happenings. Youngsters instead of working hard to have good life want to have it in easy way. What more do you have in mind?”

“ God, for the next I will need a lot of help from small living things. As soon as someone ventures to molest a girl or woman, all bees or wasps or mosquitoes or scorpions in near vicinity reach there and sting that person you know where before he can do any harm.”

“ Well, Son, that would be much better than victim facing trauma later during trials etc. What next?”

“ Well, God! In your area I am sure there is no problem with traffic as there are only few who use UDANGHATOLAS ( Flying Chariots ), but here with aggressive marketing and easy availability almost everyone has wheels, two or four. There are three wheeled demons too. They drive with no regard for other users of paths. Traffic lights are just show piece for most of them. Many people have reached you due to collisions as a result of disregards for traffic sense. So what I will do is that the moment someone thinks of jumping a traffic light or do some other such thing endangering others, his or her vehicle will brake automatically till the light turns green or there is no danger to someone due to his or her likely acts.”

“ Son, I too am aghast that so many persons reach me at such young age and so badly mangled due to someone else’s fault. This will reduce such untimely departure of persons to a large extent. Let me know what is next?

“Yes, God. You are of course aware that there are many persons who are so greedy that they have amassed wealth beyond means in untraceable accounts here and abroad by looting the country thus paralyzing the system. I would cast spell that such persons including their near & dear ones whom they love and care for are paralysed with only seeing & hearing power intact. The main person would get message like pop ups on computer that they will recover only when he or she gives back all the ill gotten wealth to the treasury and such recovery process would start only once vow is taken to return the wealth. Such recovery will start with his or her partial recovery first only to enable fulfillment of vow and on completion of return of such wealth, they all will recover fully.”

“ Hmmmmmmm, Son, there are many more person apart from them who use unfair means for making money. How about them?”

“ They will change once big fish is in the net, isn’t it God?”

“ Yes, Son. Anything before I go back as there is so much to be done.”

“ Well, God, there is so much more needed but I will say the last but not the least for what is growing beyond limits. There are some persons who by invoking your name indulge in activities which I am sure are not approved by you too. Something needs to be done on that issue too.”

“ Son, I am already taking care of such persons. When they finally come to me beaming with pride and looking for rewards from me, I send them back to earth but on the side of victims so they taste their own medicine.”

I felt someone nudging my side and found that my wife was shaking me saying “ What are you muttering in sleep? Are you going senile in old age? It is time to get up now and take the dog for morning round.”

THE 10 MUST HAVES FOR PEACE OF MIND

In my previous post, UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE, I had hoped that two issues which were not spelt out but were the cause of lonely living of Kaka & Kaki would be noticed. But unfortunately only Restless partially caught on one. The issues are :

How for pursuit of our own ambitions we compromise on sacred relations, as evident by their younger son being virtually cut off from them.

How most of the girls, no matter how well educated, have mistrust for in- laws even when there is no show of bad intents by them, as evident in their daughter in law moving to her mother’s place.

Now coming to this post. Ellen ( ellen-inretrospect ) had written in her post - THE 10 MUST HAVES INSIDE MY TOTE BAG – that we can list out same for many other aspects, like home, kitchen, travel and relationship etc. I while commenting had said that I am looking forward to her next post concerning relationship and I am also motivated to write one such post. So here I go on

THE 10 MUST HAVES FOR PEACE OF MIND

1. Be Honest To Yourself :

This in my opinion is the topmost. We can paint our wrongs as rights to others by advancing reasons in a manner making them believe those. But in heart of hearts we know we are wrong. So if we are honest to ourselves, we will be guided by our conscience to avoid doing anything wrong which would make us feel scared what if it is found out affecting our peace of mind.

2. Be Content With What You Have :

This does not mean that have no dreams or ambitions. Make all efforts to achieve what you desire for but be content with what you get. Continue striving without getting saddened if the results are less than expected.

3. Have No Jealousy :

X has a huge mansion inspite of being a dud while I live in a flat inspite of being so intelligent or Y has so many men as friends while I am more beautiful and intelligent but have hardly any, so you start feeling jealous of those persons. So analyse it , may be your financial management needs improvement or you are too snooty and make changes accordingly. Do think it over, does being jealous change anything? So let it be. Each to his or her own. Make efforts to achieve what they have.

4. Be Truthful :

Be truthful in your dealings, promises, relationships and profession. If you lie, it does make you feel insecure that it may be found out. I know it is easier said than done but in tricky situations one may find way out with diplomacy than telling a lie.

5. Have No Ego :

Be proud but not vain. If we feel we are superior to others, it will make us long for attention and if we do not get it or someone else gets it instead of us, this will lead to heartburn thus no peace of mind.

6. Have Open Mind :

Be prepared to listen to other person’s logic or reasons instead of being adamant the it is only “I” who is right. Accept your weaknesses or failures or mistakes.

7. Do Not Keep Grudges :

If someone has hurt or harmed us, talk it out but forget after that. Do be careful of that person in future but if we keep the hurt or harm fresh in our memory, it will lead to our mind being disturbed and longing for revenge all the time.

8. Communicate Honestly :

When you hide some facts while communicating to others, be it at work place or family affairs or friends or personal details, it will always lurk in your mind what if the hidden issues or details are found out.

9. Be Faithful :

Be faithful to your ownself, family, country, orgainsation, friends and last but not the least spouse. Do I need to elaborate on this?

10. Have Faith :

Have faith in yourself, family and fellow beings. Do be careful against betrayals but do not mistrust everyone as a rule. And have faith in God you believe in. Remember if good times have passed so will the bad times too.

I am sure there will be a lot of more for additions or changes in your mind, I welcome you all to share it with us here.

UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE

This is the post I had in my mind before I wrote FATHER’S DIKTAT. It is an incident which is over ten years old but is still fresh in my mind.

We had shifted to a locality which had mixed categories of houses. We were in a flat while at stones throw there were good bungalows. The residents were mostly upscale people. During my walks in the morning I used to see an elderly couple taking rounds of the park. I placed him to be about 5 years my senior which would make it 60. I learnt later that he was actually 66+ at that time. He was greeted by almost everyone of the locality and he had warm smile for each. After a few days we were introduced by a mutually known person. That is when I learnt that he was a retired senior officer from Government. They were originally from Gujarat but had settled here. Everyone addressed him Kaka and his wife Kaki. They had been in that locality for more than 15 years in their modest bungalow. They both were ever so helpful without any hesitations.

We started exchanging polite greetings whenever we met. They visited our house a few times and so did we but to find them home was difficult as they were mostly on call of helping someone or the other. Our relations were very warm but we did not ask any personal questions. Whatever information we had of each other was voluntary. However we shared a lot of common interests due to our keen passion for wellbeing of the society.

A couple of months after we were introduced a mutual friend came to our house in the evening stating that Kaka was in ICU of a hospital a little distance away and Kaki must be alone with him. I accompanied him to the hospital. On the way he filled me up with Kaka’s personal details.

They had two sons. Elder was in Army while second, younger by two years, went to USA for studies after science graduation as he was keen on becoming a research scientist. Both were married. Elder one liked a girl who was a fellow officer’s cousin and had come on holidays to place where he was posted. Her father was no more. Her mother was working in a private company taking care of her and son who was younger. They got married as Kaka and Kaki felt that happiness of the couple is more important than any other reason. Younger one was married to a girl of Indian parents who were second generation American citizens. So the girl was born and brought up in that nation. Kaka and Kaki went to USA for the wedding. Though it was traditional Indian wedding but had a lot of flavour of that country. They visited them again after a year or so. Their son wanted them to live there but Kaka did not agree as he saw that his brother in law who was married was living separately though his father had a fairly big house. He felt that their daughter in law who was working also would have different thinking. They however remained in touch. Kaka along with Kaki visited them twice again on birth of their daughter and son. They had visited India a couple of times only all these years. Exchange of e-mails and videos had been main source of contact apart from periodical calls.

Unfortunately elder son had died about 5 years ago in a freak motorcycle accident. His motorcycle skidded on loose rubble on a sharp turn and he suffered open chest injury due to sharp iron rods lying on the side which were to be put up in the road divider. He was conscious enough to call up his unit. He was picked up within short time and taken to hospital. There were broken ribs as well as shoulder. Doctors made all efforts to see that he recovers but he went into coma after four days as infection developed in open chest wound reached brain. He passed away two days after that. He was survived by his wife, a son of 2 years and daughter of 4 months. His wife did not get any pension as accident was not attributable to service but she received money from insurance, provident fund and gratuity. Kaka advised her to put that money in fixed deposit for making it grow as they would take care of her and children. But her mother made her move to her place putting her money in business with her younger brother. Kaka was unable to make her understand risk factors as her mother did not let her alone to discuss it. He kept in touch by making telephone calls but there was hardly any reciprocation. They visited her place on birthdays of their grandchildren and Diwali to give them gifts. In all this time she visited them only once or twice.

We reached hospital and found Kaki with another lady & two children. I learnt that she was their daughter in law with their grandchildren. Kaka was in operation theater. Few more persons from our locality had reached there. We all were saying silent prayers for his recovery. About an hour later he was wheeled out. The doctor told us that he is out of danger and will come out on anaesthetic affect in a few hours.

He was fit to be sent home in little over a week. During this period I made a visit on daily basis, at times alongwith the person with whom I went on first day. I found Kaki or their daughter in law there. Kaka was very liberal with praise when he introduced me to their daughter in law. During one of my visits a day or so before he was discharged their daughter in law told me as to what had happened.

For a couple of years all went well at her mother’s place. Her brother gave her money in return of her investment in his business. But gradually he started delaying it and stopped it totally in the past year or so. He stated losses in business as the reason. Her mother supported him. Being a graduate without any specialization she took up job of a receptionist in a medium sized company to ensure proper education of her children. She never told this to Kaka. However in the past 6 months she was forced to part with a large amount of her salary for household expenses. Matter came to boil a fortnight ago when her mother told her to withdraw her children from reputed school and admit them to government run school to save money for household. She refused and was told to make her own arrangements. She shifted out to a locality which was just a shade above slum. Kaka called her up as routine a couple of days after that. She broke down and told Kaka everything. Kaka told her that why did she shift to such place when her house is here. He alongwith Kaki went to her house to bring them home.

They had packed up their little belongings and put those in the car which was a little distance away. As they all settled down, there was a sudden shout by a lady. On looking up Kaka saw two persons on motorcycle had snatched that lady’s purse and were heading towards him. As they came abreast, Kaka shoved them. They stumbled and fell. Kaka caught hold of the one who was holding the purse. On seeing this his partner whipped out knife and lunged at Kaka, stabbing him on arm and side of waist. By now a large crowd had gathered and both culprits were caught by the mob who started beating them up. Their daughter in law made a call to Police on emergency number. A PCR van arrived within 15 minutes and took Kaka to hospital while leaving a constable to guard the offenders with help of some persons who volunteered. Kaki accompanied him in PCR van while daughter in law followed in Kaka’s car. On reaching hospital Kaki made call to the person who came to our house with this news.

Though we shifted out of that locality a year later, I am still in touch with Kaka. Their grandson is now in college while granddaughter is in 11th. Their daughter in law apart from running the house teaches underprivileged children as per Kaka’s wishes. The lower court convicted those culprits and their appeal is pending. However they still have scars and limp from the beating they received at the hands of crowd. Kaki is no more. She passed away two years ago. Kaka told that she went with her head in their grandson’s lap and a content smile on her face.

HAPPY DIWALI

MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL WITH LOTS OF HAPPINESS.

MAY ALL YOUR WISHES BE FULFILLED.

HAPPY DIWALI

FATHER'S DIKTAT

Rinki is a dear niece of mine. Her father, Dilip is my first cousin. She has a brother younger by 3 years. I have seen her growing right from her birth. We live in the same city but in different localities, a little distance from each other. We visit each other at least once a month if not more. She is very charming girl and had been good in studies as well as other extracurricular activities. She represented school as well as college in basket ball and was in university badminton team.

After she completed her graduation she showed keenness to take up a job while pursuing MBA in HR. Dilip was keen to marry her off but I sided with her saying that 20 is too early for marriage. He reluctantly agreed. She came out with flying colours in MBA. This lead to her being offered a job in a big MNC. Another year passed before Dilip brought up marriage. He started looking out for a suitable match. I suggested that he ask Rinki if she has anyone in mind. He stated that it was just not possible. But on my insisting, he did ask her in my presence. She replied in negative but I could make out that it was more out of her fear of father than truth. So I cajoled her saying that she had been working for over 3 years and surely she must have met a lot of people, adding that it is just normal for young boys or girls to like each other. She reluctantly told that she did have affinity towards a youngman in her organization who was in another department and senior to her. She confirmed that he too liked her and had introduced her to his parents. Dilip was taken aback and blew his top as the said boy was from different caste. Rinki went off to her room in tears. For over an hour I tried to make him see reason with logic but though he did not counter me but did not relent also. I learnt that Rinki had withdrawn into her shell.

About 10 days later he called us for lunch next day which was Sunday adding that a family was coming to see Rinki alongwith their son. On reaching there we found tension in the air. Dilip was usual self while his wife, Rinki and her brother were in sullen mood. On getting an opportunity Rinki told me that she would ensure that she is not liked by that family. On my asking she said she would look at them with cock eyed way and behave dumb generally. I advised her not to do so but we can sort it out later and she can say no.
That family arrived around 6 in the evening. Apart from the boy and his parents, his younger sister was also there. After normal hello hello we settled down in the drawing room and Dilip asked his wife to call Rinki who was in her room. I was waiting with bated breath. As she entered with sullen look her jaw dropped open on seeing the boy and his parents. That is when Dilip along with boy and his parents broke into loud laughter. His sister too joined in on seeing Rinki. He was the same boy whom Rinki liked.

Later Dilip told me that after I had left that day, he thought about the whole thing keeping my logic in mind. He said that he realized that happiness of his daughter was far more important than casteism. And he also was sure that Rinki’s choice would not be bad. So he arranged to meet the boy after a couple of days. He found him to be much beyond his expectations. Thereafter he met his parents and fixed up this meeting. He had asked his parents to keep it to themselves and not to tell anyone, specially Rinki. He had made the boy a conspirator in the first meeting itself. Best part is that he kept me also in total dark till then.

She has been married for more than 2 years now and is expecting their first child sometime in end March or early April next year.


PS : I had a serious post in mind but keeping the festival season in view I decided to share something which would bring smile to you all.

DUTY TOWARDS SOCIETY

It has been over a month now that I got to my space from my home PC. It was made alright yesterday but then our internet connection went on to give trouble. That got fixed today. So here I am trying to write some of my thoughts which have been in my mind during this break.

We all take so much from society in our growing period or even later and many of us do feel like paying our debt, specially at the fag end of life when all our worldly duties are done.

There are lot many NGOs in this field with varied agendas of social welfare. Many of these are started or run by those who wish to do pay their debt to the society. Many a corporates too have opened separate organizations to do something for the wellbeing of society. While some of them have done so out of compulsion of Corporate Social Responsibility but there are lot many who have done it with genuine desire. Having been associated with NGO I have had a ring side view of what goes on. I am going to share with you some of the issues which make me happy as well as sad.

Our Government on it’s part has many schemes for wellbeing of downtrodden or backward with a huge amount earmarked for each. But unfortunately as stated by our late PM Rajiv Gandhi, it is only a miniscule part of that fund which actually reaches the end beneficiaries. It is so painful to see pockets of unscrupulous persons being filled. The only solution in my mind is that for implementation of these schemes Government must involve those at grass root level for selection of right agency or NGO to carry out the work and give funds to those who are under the scrutiny of and held accountable by the beneficiaries. This may take a lot of hard work for BABUs to do so but possible it is definitely.

Now let me say something about NGOs. Everyone is not Vinobha Bhave, Baba Amte or Mother Terresa. Those running NGOs also need to have their own needs met. It has thus become more of a business for most of them, even family business for some. This is not so bad as long as the main aim is kept alive and their needs are not luxuries. Unfortunately in many cases the main goal is on deferred priority and other aspects take more importance, like getting mileage politically or making inroads into social networking etc. Most of those who are running such organizations become less open minded to suggestions as well as do not like to join hands with other NGOs in the same field for sake of one upmanship and unnecessary duplication adversely affecting the gains for beneficiaries. Solution to this lies only in if people involved are true to their commitments alongwith little overseeing of these organizations by some agency set up by the Government.

This now brings me to the last set of players in social upliftment. The corporates or business houses. Bill Gates, Premji, Narayanamurthy, Ambanis, Tatas, Nilakeni, Bharati, PVR Cinemas are some names which crop up in my mind. Those in the helm of affairs in such corporates are keen from their heart to do something for less privileged but unfortunately the ones who are entrusted to do such acts on their behalf become more bureaucratic and kill good suggestions offered by those in the field. The mindset of many such persons is that they are doing the best and others are not even worth listening to. There have been headlines in news that some of big business houses have made huge donations to the alma mater of their founders or chairmen. It is a nice gesture but one needs to think do such recipients really need such donations. In a case it was with setting up of chair in the alma mater named after founder of donor organization. Don’t you think such funds could have been better utilized for providing basic education and other amenities to those in backward rural inaccessible areas?

In my opinion one should not indulge in charity like giving alms but provide or support facilities making the needy self-reliant.

FORCED BREAK

My PC at home has gone KAPUT. As told by service engineer, it is hard disc problem and it will be another 15 to 20 days before it is made OK. Till then I am on forced break with heavy heart. This I am sending from my old office. I will try to visit whenever I can but can not promise.

May you all have good time and hope to meet you all soon.

CHANGES TIME BRINGS

Today on turning 65, I reflected upon the changes social norms have undergone which I am a witness to and the impacts thereof. Changes are a must for a society to remain vibrant but it is the misuse of such changes which defeat the purpose. I have read views of a couple of young ladies on touchy but important issues of relationships and that has acted as catalytic agent to make me write this. Recently I visited space of Restless and read what she wrote about Live In and Bad Marriages. This made me decide not to lose any more time and put my thoughts across.

Let me start with Love. Love is of many hues, like between parents & children, siblings, relatives, friends to name a few. What I will take up here is Love between two persons, generally of different genders and unrelated. There is no secret that there is attraction between genders. It is from times immemorial. Let me give examples starting with Dushyant and Shakuntla and then coming to recent times of Romeo & Juliet, Shirin & Farhad, Sassi & Pannu and Laila & Majnu. But in olden days it was not widely prevalent as opportunities of interaction between persons of opposite gender was not so common. There were few instances of Love Marriages. As the time passed there were more opportunities as girls started taking up higher as well as professional education. They also had more opportunities to go for jobs in or outside hometown increasing interaction between opposite genders. Thus it is natural for two persons who are attracted and like each other to fall in love and parents need to open their mind to let children have space. This brings us to point where I can say with conviction that when two persons are in such relationship, there is bound to be certain amount of physicality. In my younger days it was close hugs and stolen kisses. Of course there were those who went for more but that was not so common due to lack of opportunity. This brings us to question of pre-marital sex. May I pose a question to all of you, specially males, why is it accepted if a boy has sex with a girl but she is the one who is castigated? Is she not a human being with normal urges? In olden days too there were a lot of instances where cousins had indulged in physical relations as interaction with outsiders was restricted. In some cases it resulted in Forced Marriages if customs permitted. I feel it is upto individual to set limits and to go this far & not farther. But after marriage both boy and the girl should keep trust intact. I do not advocate promiscuity but if it is discreet with those in Love, others should not raise fingers. I have only one Thumb Rule for this which I told both our children, daughter and son, once they were off age “ Follow your conscience and never do something which makes you hang your head in shame later.”

Let us now see Live In relations. If two persons are in love but are not yet in a position to marry, here I must say that marriage is definitely ultimate aim in Love, they may decide to live together depending upon circumstances. Here comes a point which Restless has raised very pertinently , what is the status of children born out of this relationship? Specially if parents do not get married ultimately. Other drawback is what about those who just wish to do so because of LUST? Mostly boys. I know there is Court ruling that those who are in Live In relationship for a reasonable period are to be treated as married couple but such period is not quantified. What happens if boy after having had his fun for let us say a few months walks out? I always say it is unfortunately it is the girl who is at the receiving end. So GIRLS before you decide to go for Live In relationship, do apply your mind fully.

Now coming to Bad Marriage. It is advisable that couple who are going for marriage have pre-marriage counseling. No matter how long they may have know each other or dated, it is only when you are together 7 X 24 that you know the other person fully. It must be borne in mind that both are equal partners in marriage, and that is possible only if few golden rules are kept in mind. Along with pre-marriage counseling, they should also not project goody goody image but talk to each other frankly about own expectations, willingness to adjust and shortcomings. Once married, following , which is my experience after having been married for almost 39 years now with our normal ups and downs, should be kept in mind to ensure there is no issue which raises ugly head :

a) Mutual respect as the person is as well as respect for each other’s relatives.
b) Mutual trust and ensure that this is not broken.
c) Willingness to adjust and accept the other as he or she is.
d) Giving space to each other and to ensure that it is not misused.
e) In case of any misunderstanding, open & logical two way communication without throwing tantrums. They may even agree to disagree.
f) To be there for each other in time of need and try to go extra mile for other.
g) No verbal or physical abuse, specially from husband.
h) To be able to ignore unwanted interference from others.
i) Last but not the least, frankness on physical aspects.

Well, I am open to your suggestions.

DO WE PRACTICE WHAT WE PREACH?

I have been absent for a fortnight here as well as in visiting you all regularly. I, alongwith my wife, had to visit Chandigarh for some family commitment. On return I could not get back into right frame of mind to do what I love. This is what happens when you are eldest in the family and have to attend to so many issues. I will take a couple of days to catch up with all pending posts from each of you.

We had decided to go by car and what an experience it was. It was raining very heavily most of the time necessitating caution in driving. There was lot of water at a number of places on the road as well as around. There were a lot of diversions at many places due to work going on the road. The drive was enjoyable but it also set me thinking about driving courtesies. I know we all are in hurry to get where we are heading for but I wish to share some of my observations which if followed may enable easy flow of traffic :

1. Stick to one lane as it helps those who want to overtake. If you drive keeping the dividing line of lanes in center of car, this will make others impatient as they will not be able to overtake.
2. Maintain steady safe speed.
3. Observe right of way rules.
4. Overtake only when safe.
5. In case of traffic jam due to any reason, stick to your lane even if the next one moves faster as it will disrupt the flow.
6. Never go over to the lane for oncoming traffic as that will cause severe traffic jam as none of us are willing to reverse and even if we wish to the vehicles who followed us make it impossible.
7. If you have to stop for any reason, like asking for directions, make sure that you do not block the flow of traffic.
8. If you have to use your mobile phone, draw on side leaving the busy road and talk.

These are few things which came in my mind and these are not only for highway driving but on driving at any time anywhere. We all are aware of such simple courtesies and curse others ahead of us if they are not following any of these, but do we really care for it when we are at wheel?

SOME LAUGHTER

I have been writing here for almost 2 years now. Before that I was writing at o3.indiatimes site. I still post there too, if I can navigate to that space. Lately some of my friends here have expressed if what I write is true incidents or fiction. I would like to clarify that to all my dear friends here. The title of my space is “ Sharing Thoughts and Experiences”. Well, that is what I do. I write posts based on my experience in life, working period of about 41 years in different organisations and earlier during student time. My first exposure to the realities of life was when I was about 5 or so. I saw a train accident as a small culvert had been washed away due to floods caused by heavy rains and selfless help rendered by so many persons as well as apathy shown by some. So I narrate incidents which I have been witness to with little padding up. Some are based on what is narrated by close friends. Mostly it is former. Those are the ones where I give names of involved persons, though changed ones. Then I write what my thoughts are, like posts – For A Happy Married Life in 3 parts, What Makes A Marriage or Relationship Happy and Healthy to name a few. My only fiction has been Darkness At Noon but that too was on realistic mode. Of course I am not talking of Tags or Humour posts.

Enough of clarifications, now for some fun :


A blonde came home elated and told her roommate that she was with her boyfriend when he visited ATM and she got to know the password of his ATM card. On being asked what was it, she told , “ It is ********.”


This one is related by my grandfather who was a Headmaster. There was a visit by Inspector of Schools and he showed desire to visit class rooms. In one of the classes he asked the students if anyone could tell how old he was. Up went one hand. My grandfather, who was with the Inspector, was worried as the student who raised his hand was very naughty. On being asked he told, “ Sir, you are 40 years old.” The Inspector showed surprise and said, “ Very correct.” He gave that boy pat on his back. Later my grandfather asked that student as to how did he guess it correctly. The student replied, “ Sir, in our village we have a mad person who asks stupid questions and he is 20. The question asked by Inspector Sahib was double stupid so I thought he must be 40.”


3 Priests were chit chatting and one of them said that whatever money is offered to the deity, he puts half for deity and takes the rest for himself. Second one said that he draws a line close to deity and throws the money towards deity, whatever crosses the line is for deity and rest for him. The third one said, “ You are fools. I throw the money up and whatever deity wants He keeps and rest falls back for me.”


Little Jimmy was admonished by his teacher many times not to count on finger while replying to addition sums. One day she asked what was 5 plus 5. She saw Jimmy counting on finger. So she told him to put his hands in pockets and then do the sum. Jimmy put his hands in pockets and after a while he replied, “ 11.”


A lady had employed new driver. One days she had to go for a meeting. She was aghast that the driver kept blowing horn most of the time. While returning she told him that she would drive. She thought that she would not use horn at all and then advise the driver. When she got off the car at home and before she could say anything the driver said, “ Madam, you drive so nicely but don’t you feel horny?”


A farmer was sitting on the porch enjoying cake when he saw a rooster chasing a hen. As they passed him, he threw some crumbs. The rooster stopped to eat. The farmer looked towards heaven and prayed, “ O God! Please do not make me that hungry ever.”

HOW MUCH TO LOVE YOUR CHILDREN

Siddharth was born after a lot of prayers and what not by his parents and grandparents. His parents had two daughters before him and wanted a son very desperately. The age gap between him and second sister was 12 years. So you can well imagine joy he must have brought to his parents and grandparents on his arrival in this world. They gave him all the attention and pampered him so much that right from his childhood he considered himself to be a gift to humanity. Relations between him and sisters were not so cordial as most of the time they were at the receiving end for crimes against him as per his statements without any cross check. He just got used to get what he wanted and the way was not any consideration. He even used to become violent at times when denied what he wanted. He was little above average height and good looking.

His grandparents were very disheartened at the way he was growing up. During his final years in school they tried to make him have some sense but he retaliated with so much of rudeness that they just went into shell. This depression caused them to depart this world one after the other in a space of just five months. He barely graduated after number of attempts as he loved going to college which gave him a chance to show off his latest acquisitions and have a number of girlfriends. As he was to step into his father’s shoes to run business, it was not considered that he study anything more. That is the kind of man he grew up to.

He started going to office under compulsion of his father who was keen that he learn about business to take over in a few years. He had to show interest in office lest his father stops giving him what he wants. But his heart was in having fun. So after office it was pubs with friends. It was well known that if he fancied a girl he made all out efforts to make her his girlfriend and as soon as he felt bored with her he dumped her. His mother was not very happy but could not do much. His sisters were both married and did not visit parental house often as they were happy in their respective homes. They were not keen to be with him due to his behavior which had made them face ire of parents when they were there.

He developed attraction for a girl, Roshni, working in the office as Business Development Officer. All his efforts to woo her failed. Even subtle threats about job conveyed through a crony of his in the office bore no fruit as she just told that she would rather resign than to be his friend. She was quite good looking. She was from a middle class family which he had found out through his sources. He got so obsessed that he forced his mother to get him married to her.

For a month or so after marriage it seemed that he had become a totally different person. Roshni was not going to office any more though his father had plans to give her some major responsibility at a later date. But it was not long lasting. As the novelty of marriage wore off and he had had what he wanted he was back to his old self. He again started visiting pubs with his friends, of course new girls too. Roshni tried to reason it out with him but he just told her to mind her business. He even slapped her once in presence of his mother. She sided Roshni and he even told her to keep out of it.

His father had heart attack. Though he survived but was confined to bed due to paralysis of lower limbs. Now he had the whole world to himself with no one to check him. His escapades got wilder with business being neglected. His father was not told anything initially but as he showed signs of improvement his mother put him in picture. He called for his lawyers and made Roshni Executive Director of the company with all powers. Siddharth was director but with no control over major issues. He was very upset and threatened to go to court but did not as he was advised that it would be of no use. He started drinking all the time and spending time with new girls. He almost stopped going to office. She grasped nuances of business very well and fast with guidance from her father in law. She was well liked and respected due to her humane approach. She gave due respect but was strict also without being arrogant.

His behaviour got worse and whatever time he was home he always kept shouting at his parents. He used to threaten her with dire consequences. He became well known in the whole city for his acts after drinking. One day late at night someone known to them called up to say that he is making a nuisance of himself at a pub. Roshni went alongwith their trusted help and driver to bring him back. On arrival she found him to be very aggressive. When she approached him, he shouted at her calling her all kinds of names. She requested him to calm down and come with her to go home. He used very abusive language telling her to go away. When she held him by the arm to guide him out of that place, he pushed her away with force making her fall. He then picked up a chair hitting her repeatedly. One of the persons in the pub called up police and he was arrested red handed. She sustained fracture of leg. The whole thing was caught on CCTV.

She took a stand to let him face the legal action. His parents supported her. He was locked up but was out on bail given by some rivals of his father. They even put him up in a hotel and paid for fees for lawyers. The investigating office of police was a honest person who took charge of CCTV footage and had recorded evidence of all available witnesses. The case went on for a long time but with all the strong evidence he was found guilty. He was sentenced to 3 years of rigorous imprisonment. He obtained bail and appealed against it but in due course of time his appeal was rejected. The persons supporting him realized that it was futile to back him as the evidence was clinching. Even in jail he tried to show his bossy nature but was badly beaten up by fellow prisoners.

Roshni and his mother visited him in jail but initially he refused to see them. Over a time he realized that there was no one who cared for him and all his friends had deserted him. So he started meeting them. A year in jail made him a changed person and he started regretting his past. His father improved but still did not go to office preferring to work through Roshni. They all hope that once he comes out of jail, he would have learnt his lesson and be a better person. His father still does not want to hand over reins of business to him but keep those with Roshni. He understand it and agrees with it.

The idea of telling this was that we should love our children but not pamper them to an extent that they become demons for us. Right values must be inculcated alongwith love.

WHY?

Rajat is in police lock up because of an accident he had. He is not willing to apply for bail or for that matter even engage a lawyer to defend him. His mother forced him to sign for a lawyer to plead his case. Let us see the background to this.

He is the only son of his parents. His father, a senior government officer, passed away when he had just joined service after his MBA. He had been a bright student and secured first division always. He also had been good in sports and other extra curricular activities. He had been provided the best of everything but without being pampered. Good values were also inculcated in him by his parents as well as grandparents who used to stay with them till they left this world. He was well liked by one and all for his gentle nature.

His hard work paid off and he climbed to the post of manager in very short time. He had befriended a girl and was keen to marry her. There was no objection from his mother but her father felt he was below their status. So he left it to his mother to find suitable match. She selected some girls and asked him to meet them to finalise. He got married to Sheetal, a girl from almost similar social background. Before marriage he was very honest to tell her about himself and his wish that his mother, though in receipt of pension, would continue staying with them. She had willingly agreed to this. She too was working in a good organization. They both used to be busy in their office routine and his mother took care of home. He used to enjoy a couple of CHHOTA drinks on return from office before having dinner. She used to give company at time with a glass of wine or so. On week ends they used to go out but his mother never agreed to accompany them saying that she would rather stay home to catch up with pending chores. Things were fine though they had normal adjustment problems. His mother always remained neutral and let them sort out their difference at their own. She rather sided with Sheetal if she found Rajat to be even a little unreasonable. There were some instances of interference from her mother at times but he ignored it with feeling that over time his wife will get over asking her mother for advice. They were blessed with a son in second year of marriage. By the time son was a year old, things seemed to change.

Sheetal started making issues of small happenings. She started nagging him a lot. Though she did not have any fights with his mother but started remaining aloof. There was hardly any interaction between her and mother in law. On return from office she used to take her son to her room and close the door. She even went off few times to stay with her parents for longish periods. Rajat was quite unhappy but continued making efforts to make things normal. She refused to communicate as to why was she behaving like this or what was on her mind. She started objecting to his drinking no matter how little it was. She would not stop him if he gave company to her father for drinking. This seemed very unreasonable to him. He tried to reason it out with her but she did not relent. So for the sake of peaceful life, he did not drink at home. However at times he used to have it on way back from office at some pub or the other and she never realized it. He was very unhappy with the way life was going on. He even indicated to her that this may drive him to leave the house and go away. She instead of understanding the gravity of such remarks became even more adamant on her ways. His mother though did not say anything but was sad at the turn of events. Her mother started making frequent visits and they would lock themselves up in her room.

Two days ago he poured a drink and Sheetal threw tantrum. She picked up his glass and threw it away. He lost temper and stormed out of house without saying anything to her. He went over to some pub and had more than he should have had. On way back while driving he momentarily lost consciousness and hit a cyclist. The cyclist was injured and his cycle was smashed. He was taken to police station. The cyclist was hospitalized and fortunately there were only superficial injuries from which he is expected to recover within few days. Rajat was very upset and said that he would rather stay in jail than to return home to all the bickering. Sheetal instead of showing any remorse put the blame on him and went off to her parents place. It is learnt that the cyclist is willing to compromise if he is given a new cycle and hospital bills paid off. His uncle has spoken to police who stated that they have no objection if compromise is reached.

I only hope and pray that it ends on a happy note. It will be so sad to see a good youngman going waste. It does make me wonder why we do not see positive side of life and live happily instead of creating disharmony.


PS : This is based on a true happening with very little additions from my side.

AVOIDABLE?

Manjusha was a very vivacious girl of 17, almost touching 18. She was tall, very good looking and her movements were graceful. Her parents were both middle level government officers. She had an elder brother by a year as well as a 2 years younger one. She had just cleared 12th and joined college. She was very social and jovial. She was well liked by one and all in our locality. She was very respectful to all elders. We were on good terms with her parents. I used to come across her during my evening walks. She visited us sometimes to seek guidance about career courses etc. What I could gather from her talks was that her parents favoured her brothers more. Their attitude towards her was not as warm as one may expect due to her being the only daughter. However it did not seem to affect her behaviour.

She was friendly with a boy about 3 years elder belonging to a well to do family. He was tall and quite handsome. He had just graduated. I had met him few times when he was with her and he seemed to be a nice boy with an aim to make it into filmworld. They looked a very nice as a couple. She had confirmed that her parents were in the know of their friendship.

A couple of months later I did not see her around for a week or so. Later I came to know that she had gone away with that boy to Mumbai. He wanted her also to join films as she had talent. She had turned 18 just a few days before she went away. She had told her parents and left. This was about 2 years ago.

Why am I bringing it up now is because last week I went to meet her father to discuss something about our locality and saw her there. She was just a shadow of her oldself. Her father told her to go to her room. He does share his woes with me, so he told me that when she went with that boy they wanted them to get married with knowledge of his family but the boy had stated that once they establish themselves in films they would tie the knot in proper fashion. They struggled for months to get a break in films by making numerous rounds of different studios and meeting many known or unknown persons involved with film making. Unfortunately it was a dream which looked rosy but reality was harsh. Though they had financial support from his family, it was not possible to continue indefinitely. We all are aware of how advantage is taken of such persons. He persuaded her to succumb to casting couch demands as it seemed last resort to gain foothold into glamour world. They did get some bit roles but nothing to talk about. But then there was no stopping such acts. She was very unhappy with this and refused him at times. He somehow convinced her that once they establish it would not be needed anymore. However it was not so and she was desperate to end this kind of life. On her refusal next time, he abused her physically and forced her to submit to demands of an agent who promised to get them meaty roles. This finally led to her being offered to please all and sundry. She could not take it anymore and packed her bags coming back without telling him.

As expected her father said that he would have rather seen her dead than to be there with them. I bluntly told him what stopped him from killing her, to which he replied that he could not as she was his child. So I then told him that it was the reason why she came back to them. She had faith in them to provide her help to start her life afresh. I suggested that putting past behind now, she start her studies to complete graduation even as private candidate. She could also take up some job for keep herself busy as well as financially independent. I offered to speak to some known person to take her as receptionist in their company. Fortunately sense prevailed and after some discussion with Manjusha we went ahead with it. She is now working in a company known to me and I keep track of it. She has started preparing to complete graduation.

I am bringing it here to analyse as to who was at fault. In my opinion it is first the parents who did not have enough bonding with her to make her feel confident for sharing her dreams with them before it was too late. Even then there was hardly any effort from them to make her see the truth. They could have given her directions to reach her goals in much better way or even taken help from some person who could have. Then the girl as she was too naïve to understand what world is like. She could have discussed this with someone whom she had trust in before taking such a big step. She just let herself be swept off her feet with rosy talk of that boy. Lastly the boy who being elder should have taken due steps for her well being. If they could not get a break into the films, he should have come back with her. I do not wish to blame the system in glamour world as there is no way of stopping such happenings unless those susceptible to such acts become strong to refuse.

May I invite your views on who to blame for this.

NEW EXPERIENCE

In my over 3 decades of driving I have had a very rare experience which I would like to share with you all.

On last Wednesday I alongwith my wife had gone out for some household chores. I had taken Tata Safari Diesel vehicle. After finishing the work we were on our way back when we encountered heavy traffic. It was bumper to bumper. So it was clutch and brake situation with vehicles just crawling. I am very careful about not keeping clutch pedal half pressed. After about 2 kms of this situation I decided to take a side road which joined main road again at some distance after traffic signal. As soon as I turned I found that I could not change gears. The gear lever was moving in all desired directions but no gear could be engaged even with clutch pedal fully pressed. I felt panic as I was blocking the entrance to the road. Somehow 3rd gear got engaged enabling me to drive the vehicle to side and park it. I tried to engage gears again but without success. I switched off. I stopped a passing three wheeler auto and sent my wife home asking her to call me up to let me have telephone number of Tata workshop where we get our vehicle serviced. I felt that clutch plates may have given way. Fifteen minutes later I again switched on the engine and lo behold the gears started working absolutely normal. I cautiously drove back home. I left the vehicle there and went to the said workshop in our second car, a Maruti Estilo.

I narrated the whole incident to their GM. On his asking how much mileage the vehicle has covered, I told him it is about 35,000 kms. He told me that there is no idea of opening up clutch assembly as chances of clutch plates having worn off are little specially once I was able to engage gears after sometime and if we open up there will positively be some wear and tear thus changing of plates will be needed. On my asking then what was the cause of such happening, he explained that it is a very rare phenomenon in that at times air which finds it’s way into the assembly gets mixed with clutch oil. When the oil gets heated the moisture in the air converts to gaseous state. This causes forming of big size bubbles. On pressing clutch pedal these bubbles get compressed but do not allow full compression for clutch to be engaged to let one select gears. He told me that this can also happen to brake fluid thus leading to brake failure. Once oil cools the gas regains moisture state thus reducing bubble size and that is why I could drive the vehicle after it had had time to cool down. He advised that oil be changed and line bleeding carried out to ensure that there are no air bubbles inside. I got the said work done. The vehicle is running fine.

I had a chance to visit Maruti workshop for some work on Estilo and on my narrating my experience to their engineer, he too explained what Tata GM had said. I so flabbergasted as it is the first time I experienced such situation. So I thought of sharing it with you to appraise you that if such thing happens there is no need to panic but let the vehicle cool down.

This we may also translate to our day to day life. When we are angry, hot air in our head does not allow us to engage our brain properly. So it is best to cool down before doing anything.

SMALL GESTURE BIG DIVIDENDS

Last month I had planned a project for rural area to be conducted by NGO I am consultant with. I was asked by President of that NGO to accompany him for a meeting with secretary of rural development department to explore if state would fund it. I was to give power point presentation. I agreed. So off we went on fine morning last week to the state capital where we had appointment with the concerned person at 1 pm. It was about 4 hours drive. Enroute he briefed me about the said secretary. I was told that he was not only honest and strict but deeply knowledgeable thus capable of asking probing questions. This was all fine with me as I always liked to associate with those projects where chances of misuse of funds was minimal.

When we were ushered in for the meeting I saw a well built Sikh gentleman occupying the chair. We sat down and I found him staring at me with little frown on his forehead. On my being introduced, he just got up and moved around the table reaching me in no time. He touched my feet exclaiming how lucky he was to see me after so many years. When he straightened, my mental computer locked onto who he was and I was transported back by more than 25 years.

I was in an organization as Head of administration & personnel. He was a junior assistant aged about 22 or so. He was hard working with a smile on his face always. He had done PG in psychology but being from a not so well off family took up the first job which came his way. He had a unsatiateable quest for knowledge. A few months down the line I found him to be little preoccupied in his thoughts. Though there were no slip ups in his work but it was evident that he was not his ownself. One day I asked him frankly if he trusted me to share what was bothering him. He told me that he had fallen in love with a girl of well to do family and she too reciprocated. Though they were from different castes, there was no objection from her family as they were broadminded. Only stipulation they had was that he upgrade his status. They offered him position in their business but he did not take it up as he was quite proud with a lot of self respect. He was not vain or egoist but practical. I told him why did he not sit for civil services examination. He frankly told that he was not aware as to how to prepare. Those days there were hardly any coaching institutes. I gave him some directions like going through guides available giving last five years or so question paper with solution, general knowledge book as well as keeping himself updated on current affairs by reading newspapers. He earnestly started preparing for it. I moved on thereafter and lost contact with that organisation.

Coming back to that day now, he did not listen to my protests while ordering lunch for us. He told that it will be such a pleasure to have lunch together. Over lunch he told the rest of the happenings. He cleared civil services examinations in first attempt. Thereafter there was no hitch in his getting married to his love. He did face some obstacles in his career due to being honest and strict but in the end it paid off. They had 2 children, a girl ,doctor and married, a boy in a good position as an engineer. He wanted me to meet them but due to paucity of time I requested him to let it be for next visit.

When we got onto presentation part, he just bluntly said that there was no need as if I had prepared the project and was involved in implementing it, he had no hesitations in sanctioning funds. He said that his faith in me was absolute.

BOSS

Once all organs of a body were arguing as to who is the Boss. Brain said, “ I give directions to all to do what is needed, so I am the Boss.” Heart said, “ That is what you think, if I do not purify and supply blood you will not be able to do anything. So I am the Boss.” Lungs retorted, “ If we do not give you purified oxygen do you think you can purify blood? So we are the Boss.” And so on and on the other organs too staked their claim. AH was quite all this time but when all had finished staking their claim, it said, “ I am the Boss.” Everybody else laughed as it was without any reasoning. They all ridiculed it. So AH told, “ You all will repent if I stop functioning.” There was loud hilarious laughter from all. So AH went on non functioning mode. All was fine on first day. Second day there was little discomfort. Third day there was difficulty being faced by others for normal functioning. By fourth day all others were in panic as they just could not function. On fifth day they all were in terrible shape, so they all surrendered accepting AH to be the Boss.

So do remember even if BOSS is an AH but for smooth functioning we do need a BOSS.

FUN TIME

June is coming to an end and monsoons are likely to arrive soon. Let us welcome July with some humour so we get good rains.


One evening Jojo had gone to meet a friend staying closeby. They got talking of old times and did not realize how much time had passed. All this while friend’s wife kept regular supply snacks to go with their drinks. By the time they finished dinner it had started raining heavily. So his friend asked him to sleep over at their place. Jojo agreed. His friend showed him the guest room and went to get fresh linen. On his return he was surprised to see Jojo totally drenched. On seeing questioning look in his friend’s eyes, Jojo explained that he had gone to get nightsuit from his house.



Tutu was hauled up before court for misbehaving with a woman journalist. When magistrate asked him to explain his conduct, Tutu asked him as to what would he do if it was marked PUSH on the door. The magistrate replied that he would push the door open. Tutu then said if it is written PULL then. The magistrate by now was getting annoyed but said he would pull the door open. Tutu then said, “ Sir, that is it. I just followed instructions as it was written on her t shirt PRESS.”



A village simpleton was crying inconsolably on his wife’s death. People tried hard to pacify him but more they tried harder he cried. After sometime an elderly man told him to get hold of himself as no one comes back after death. He sobbingly said , “ I know but when my father died a few years ago a lot of elderly persons told me not to worry as they are there, when my mother died last year so many elderly women told me that they are there to take care but now not a single girl has come forward to tell me not to feel the loss as she is there.”



A man on his return from work was stunned to see his wife of so many years in bed with a tramp. Before he could say anything, she told him that she could explain everything. She told him that little while ago this tramp rang the door bell asking for something to eat as he had not had a meal for a couple of days. She gave him left over pizza from his dinner last night. She saw his shoes were totally torn, so she gave him a pair of sturdy shoes which he had discarded after buying new pair. She saw he had no socks, so she gave his pair of socks which he had not used for a long time. Then the tramp had asked if she had any woolen to spare as the coat he was wearing was torn at many places. She remembered a decent coat which he had not used for many years so she gave that to the tramp. She said then the tramp asked, “ Is there anything else which your husband has not used for long time and you would like to give that to me.”

She further added, “ And that is how I landed up in bed with him.”

DOUBLE STANDARDS

I am sure that you all will agree that on a good winter morning it is so heavenly to curl up under a quilt and savour the warmth. I was doing so on a Sunday morning way back in 1975 January in Pathankot. Those days it used to be 6 working days week, so Sunday was something we all looked forward to have this bliss. I was brought down to Mother Earth by a commotion in the attached servant quarter to our bunglow in defence area. I looked for my wife but found her feeding our little daughter, so I had no option but to reluctantly come out of warm refuge to see what was the matter. Our maid was the one staying in the said premises with her family. On venturing out I found that her eldest daughter was angrily shouting at her father. She was about 17 or 18 with two younger brothers and a sister of 8 years. She used to assist her mother in our household work, particularly taking our daughter to park. On enquiry following cause for her outburst emerged.

Her father who was a gangman with some contractor had returned from his native place the previous night and he informed having fixed up marriage of his younger daughter with some man of 30 years or so there. The elder one was married off at same age of 8 or so but before she could join her husband, who was much older than her, died. So she was treated as widow and no one would marry her. She forced his father to let her study but was taken out after she completed 8th standard with view that what was the use of making her study as she had to work in households as maid only. She was telling her father not to repeat his mistake and let the younger one study just like her brothers. She was of the opinion that girls should also be educated to take care of themselves and not be treated as cattle. She even threatened him that she would immolate herself if he went ahead with his plan. All this time her mother was crying silently. I was very impressed with her strong views. I admired her courage to stand up against her father as those days there was nothing like women liberation movement in India though we did read some news of such happenings in western countries. I told them all to take it easy and we would have a talk later in the day.

I called her father over after breakfast to find out why was he was in such a hurry to marry off his minor or rather still a child daughter. He stated that in his native place it was the custom to marry off girls before they attained puberty. On my saying that those were old customs which had no relevance in present time, he agreed saying that having stayed away for such a long time from his native place he had seen the better living ways. I advised him to let both his daughters continue studies and it will surely lead to better prospectus for them not only for being self sustained but for marriage too. Fortunately he saw the reasoning and agreed. I sent for his elder daughter and told her that she should continue with her studies to appear for 10th examinations as private candidate. But I made her promise that she would always stand for the right issues. She gladly agreed. Subsequently I spoke to the Base Commander to see if we could do something as encouragement for this upright girl fighting for a cause, to stand against child marriage. He promised and in a couple of weeks time she was taken as a helper at decent remuneration in one of the unit run schools. We moved out of that place in the following month as I was posted out to another location. There was no contact with them thereafter.

I had an opportunity to visit that Base again in 1987 for a few days on official visit. One of the evenings when I was in the Bar, head barman came over and asked me if I remembered him. On close scrutiny I realized that he used to be a young barboy during my earlier stay at that place. He gave me updates on all those who were there in those days. I learnt from him about that family too. That girl completed inter and thereafter had done primary teachers training. She got employed as teacher in a municipal school while her brothers too did well. One of them joined army after 10th while younger one was employed in a semi government organization after graduation. Their father had unfortunately died in an accident while at native place but they suspected that he was killed. Mother was running a tea stall in local college campus. Younger daughter was also a teacher in the same school with her sister. Both the girls were married to local boys and were happily settled as their in laws had sought them as brides for their sons. I felt a sense of happiness.

This is based on what a friend of mine told me few years ago.

Now what prompted me to write this, is the news of our government mulling over bringing out tougher laws to deal with HONOUR KILLINGS after a spate of these in the recent days. What we fail to see is that no law can prevent this totally. Only way is to educate masses that if we treat our girls as second rate citizens and deny them basic rights of living as per present days, they are bound to rebel against such oppression and try to find better life, be it by marriage to someone whom parents do not approve of. And also no one can do anything for them but they themselves as in the case of young girl I narrated. She stood for her rights. So the girls or rather even elder women have to take a stand against such heinous acts of murders in the name of false family honour. Let them say that no male of their family has ever committed anything which may bring bad name to the family. Why are the males forgiven for such acts then?

POSITIVE ATTITUDE HELPS

I met Ashok 8 months ago. He is Branch Manager of Bank where I have my account. I used to visit the Bank at least once a month to get my passbook updated. But after meeting him a few times I increased my visits to whenever I was in close proximity to the Bank. It was his cheerfulness, ever smiling face and good manners coupled with helpful behavior which made me do this. I felt it as my duty to encourage him in that by showing a customer’s gratitude. My additional visits were mostly just to say hello to him. He is tall, handsome man in early 30s, a little older than our son but younger to our daughter. He is well liked by all working under him whom he always referred to as colleagues.

Over a few months we developed a bond as if we were related. On my saying he started calling me Uncle instead of Sir which he usually called all male clients irrespective of their age or status. I am going to share his life story to show you all how a positive attitude makes one be happy and spread happiness all around.

His father was a Government employee while his mother was a school teacher. They both were God fearing but not fanatics. They did not believe in noisy rituals but silent prayers. They brought him as well as Rashmi, his 2 years younger sister with lot of values inculcated by example and not only word of mouth. They both were given a lot of freedom with just a single sentence advice “ Do not do anything which makes you regret later with shame”. They went to good schools and colleges. They were told to choose their own streams in education with options of each shown. Both of them did well in studies. Here he told me that his grandparents, who stayed with them, had a big hand in this. His grandfather, a retired educationist, used to involve himself by studying their lessons and then discuss with them in innovative ways while his grandmother roused passion for reading by telling them stories and exhorting them to read those themselves once they could do so. Both grandparents passed away peacefully at ripe old age and as per their wishes their eyes were donated. It was a happy model family.

He was 23 and had just joined the bank as PO when his father passed away. His father had gone to the market in the evening to fetch something where he intervened to stop a ruffian from some other locality eve teasing and trying to physically assault a girl. That person had a friend with him and both of them started hitting him. When he fought back one of them attacked him with knife. He hugged the attacker tightly even though he was stabbed a number to times. The other person also took out a knife and started slashing him to get his companion free. By now people formed a ring around them and someone called police. Both the ruffians tried their best to flee but he did not loosen his hug around the one who had first attacked him with knife. Police thus arrested both of them red handed. He lost a lot of blood and passed away couple of days later but not before giving his statement to the magistrate who came to hospital for recording it. This caused his mother to go into depression and she could not recover. She too passed away in a few months leaving him to take care of himself as well as his sister who had just completed college. His father had no surviving siblings and cousins were all at far off places. Though his mother’s brother and sister were there but they were too busy in their own affairs.

He shouldered these responsibilities well and got his sister married off into a good family a year later. All the money he had received from benefits due to parents was used up in that. He is so thankful to God that she is happily settled with 2 children, a son and a daughter. They live with his parents who are massive support to them.

One of his distant relatives living at a town about 5 hours drive from this place highly recommended and cajoled him to get married to a girl related to his wife from same town. He and his sister went to see her there. The girl was good looking and well educated. The family seemed nice. His relative with his wife kept hovering around them all the time without giving them a single moment alone with the girl. He consented and got married a year ago.

His wife joined him but did not seem happy. Within a few days after marriage she told him that she has been forced to marry him as she was in love with someone whom her parents did not approve. She told that she had had that affair for more than 4 years and was physically intimate with him too. As soon as she conveyed to her parents that she would like to marry him, they forbade her going out alone and started looking for suitable match. This is when his relative with full know of things came into picture to look for a suitable match for her.

He told her that past is past and let us start new life with mutual trust and respect. She stayed with him for a couple of month and then one fine day he found a note from her on return from office that she can not take it any more, so she is leaving to be with her ex. On my asking he told me that he has not filed for divorce as he believes marriage is for keeps. However he had sent a copy of her letter to her parents. He is confident that she will realize her mistake and be back. He also told that his relative has informed him that few days after leaving him she came to her parent’s house in the afternoon badly bruised and without any belongings. Her ex had ill treated her and was not keen to marry her. She spends most of her time in seclusion. Her parents seem to feel very guilty to reach out to him. He is just waiting for some more time for her to come back otherwise he will make his move to contact her.

After telling me all this he looked at me and said that he knew what I was thinking. It is that how does he still look so happy and cheerful. He told me that when he looks around he finds so many persons with problems much more bigger than his - health issues, physically or mentally challenged persons, children problem like drug addicts or not interested in studies, money problem, unemployment, family disputes etc etc. He feels thankful to God for not testing him with more complex problems. He said that what is the gain in fretting over what has happened and if he shows his pain to others all that he will receive is their sympathy. He has to be strong to resolve this and that is possible only if he keeps his attitude positive. He then surprised and made me teary eyed by saying that he would like me to accompany him when time comes for him to approach his wife to come back.

I will be more than willing to do this for him. I am sure that you would also like to do it.

There are so many lessons to derive from his life but I am concentrating on his POSITIVE attitude mainly.

CAN WE PLEASE EVERYONE?

Once an elderly washerman went to cattle fair with his grandson. There he bought a sturdy looking donkey. On the way back to their village they lead the donkey while walking little ahead.

Some persons passed them from opposite direction and muttered, “ Look at these fools. They are walking while they have a good donkey to ride.” So the old man told his young grandson to ride the donkey while he lead them.

Little ahead they met another group of persons who said, “ How disrespectful of this lad, he is riding in comfort while making old man walk.” So young boy got down from donkey and made his grandfather ride.

Again some passers by commented, “ This old man is so selfish and heartless, he is riding in comfort making young boy walk.” So old man asked his grandson to also sit on the donkey alongwith him.

When they had gone some distance, they heard some persons passing by saying, “ Oh! How cruel these persons are. They are both riding the poor donkey without any care for it.”

So, remember it is not easy to please everyone. One should do what conscience allows.

YOUR FUTURE REFLECTED TODAY

I am reproducing a story which I read long long ago :

A reasonably rich businessman was coaxed by his wife to place his old father who used to suffer frequently from cough, cold and fever due to advancing age in a separate room on the outer side of house as they feared he would spread virus to all. They also started serving him food & water etc in discardable earthenware to avoid contamination of utensils. One day he found his 7 years old son washing used earthenware and putting them aside in the store. On being asked the son replied “ Father, you and mother too will be old one day, why should I waste money to buy new earthenware for you two?”

BRIBES

We speak so much about corruption but if you really search your heart honestly it will dawn on you that we all believe in bribes, at least for giving it. When we are very keen on getting something or want something to happen in our life, don’t we communicate with God that if this happens we will do this or that – acts like offering special prayers with sweets or keeping fast or giving to charity or any other such promise. Is that not like offering bribe to God? Why can we not do what we so promise always instead of making it special offer for some favour?

ROLLER COASTER RIDE

I was going over what has been happening in life till now and I feel that one can sum it up as “ Life is nothing but a Roller Coaster ride.” It is full of UPs and DOWNs and the later happen when you least expect. My mind zoomed back to early 1965. I was undergoing training for glider flying. One of the instructors while in the air suddenly went in for aerobatics, to be more precise loop. During this I blacked out for a few seconds. Later on ground he told me that I would never make a flyer. I was very demoralized but some of my friends told me that he always used to make pupils underconfident. Next day another instructor took me up and told me while in the air that we will do some loops. I was scared of blacking out again. He told me that when we are in dive to gain speed for the manoeuvre I should keep my head up and not look down. He further said that when we pull out of dive to complete loop I should lower my head a little. This he said was to counter the affect on blood flow during these extreme manoeuvres. To say the least, I did not black out and enjoyed the aerobatics. Now relating to what I was thinking, when in down mode, we should keep our head up to see what we ought to achieve and similarly when in up mode we must lower our head to see where we could be if we do not sustain our good work. If we do not do this, we will black out, that is our mind will go in muddle making us lose logic.

Apart from this, a lot of other thoughts went through my mind which I am going to share with you all.

Why do we have to succumb to our EGO? It is nice to be proud but not at all EGOIST. Americaning Desi had put up very thought provoking post which I am reproducing below with hope she will pardon me for not taking her permission first :

“ Where there is humility there is the give and take of love. Usually we don't even know when we are working with our ego because it is deeply concealed. Even when someone points out our ego, we don't want to accept it and we continue to work with it. Ego finishes the ability to learn and negatively affects our relationships because there is no give and take of love. The method to overcome ego is to develop humility. Humility means to be strong within yet to be gentle and flexible. This enables us to bend i.e., to bow. When we bow it doesn't mean we are defeated, but it reveals our own victory. It is only when we bend and forgive will we be able to allow the flow of love in relationships. ”

I believe in God and do pray. But is it necessary to make a lot of show while doing so? God is within our hearts and we can all communicate with God with our honest approach. We make a lot of show while praying to gain praise from others but do we have a honest heart to indulge in what God sent us here for? And that is very simple thing – To live in harmony and peace with honest dealings with all. We ask God for blessings to make our life happy but when it comes to fellow humans we cheat and do all sorts of misdeeds for our selfish gains, don’t we?

We do follow some Holy Person or the other with blind dedication, obeying each & every whim of that person, but do we give respect our elders who made us reach where we are today?

We never think twice before pointing someone’s faults but do we look into our own true self to find where we are lacking? We tend to forget that when we point a finger at someone, rest three fingers are pointing at us.

We always expect a lot from others, be it relatives or friends but do we ever think of being there when they need us? We are in Take Take mode but do we ever come in Give Give mode? If you can not help someone, do not harm him or her.

There are so many virtues which we never think of but I will try to sum it up with just saying that let us be clear hearted without wishing bad for anyone, honest in our dealings and respect others if we wish them to respect us. I do not mean that be a punching bag but be strong with humility. Stand up for your rights and also see the same for others too. When you have to penalize someone, we ought to put ourselves in his or her shoes to see what would we have done in the same situation.

MUTUAL SUPPORT

I am reproducing a post which I had written more than a year & half ago on o3.indiatimes space. I have made a few changes but main essence remains the same. This is for your views.

As I have said earlier Saggystrikesagain's “Whose Money is it anyway?” had given me “ prerna” to start penning down my thoughts to share them with you and seek your views. I have been guided by Lavina how to write. I donot know if she has seen my last comment on Sagging bit.
I visited Whose Money again and read Indu K Raghavean's comments. Well, Indu to an extent I agree with you but not the bit about parent's duty being over once offspring is capable of being on his or her own. This is true in case of animals and birds. But do they have any feelings of attachments with family? Why do we feel proud if grandchild does well? Is it not family ties? Parents continue to see that their offsprings have the best. Even at old age they would take care of grandchildren if required due to offsprings being occupied with their profession. They can run the house as needed. This is mutual support system where they have security at their old age while youngsters have someone to share their chores with. Ties do not break at time when you are earning and can look after yourself.
Sorry for digressing from my main theme. Marriage is not just union of two persons. It is a healthy relationship started by two families. They come together by this act. Both boy and girl have to understand that their family has got new member or is extended. As the girl moves to new environments she has very big responsibility to take on. She is the link between both families. Both - boy & girl have to understand that they have to care for elders of each other. This is more so in case she is the only child. We have to change our mindset that girl becomes “parai” after marriage. Who will look after her parents in their old age? Even if she has a brother what is the harm if she also cares for her parents? As a matter of fact husband should see that what is needed is done. Of course, any undue action needs to be avoided by both. To have a healthy and happy family life it is important to have TWO WAY COMMUNICTION. If one has any misunderstandings it is better to clear them off by discussing with open mind rather than continuing to see things in negative manner. In a family one is not expected to keep any secrets. I agree one's income is his or her own right. But don't you think that sharing of information at own is better? If girl's parents need why can they not stay with them? Why can not parents of both stay together if circumstance so require? They will of course need to adjust with each other and try to live in harmony.
I support Prerna but with only stipulation that she should share her thoughts with all in her new family.

BACK TO NORMAL, WELL ALMOST

Before I go further, may I thank all of you for you kind and affectionate support on my writing previous post. I am back to normal, well almost. I do pray for situation to get resolved soon.

So here I go with a light post :

A man was getting shave done at barber shop. Barber while going on with his job was talking a lot. At one point he asked the man if he had visited his shop earlier also. The man replied “ No, the other scars are war injuries.”

A young attractive woman member of House of Commons was speaking at length against drinking. She said that apart from other harms drinking badly affects stomach of the person and that is one of the reasons she does not drink. At this point one elderly male member stood up and said “ Young Lady, I have been drinking since the time I was 18 and now at my age of 65 I am willing to put my stomach against yours any time.”

Newly married Jim was seen drinking at the pub in the evening after work. He was looking little morose. One of his friends said that he should be home with his wife instead of drinking and that too in such a forlorn looks. Jim said “ I have a problem. In the morning while leaving for office I gave her 100 dollar bill.” Friend said “ Don’t worry, I am sure she will understand and not mind what you did before marriage.” Jim said “ It is not that. She gave me back 25 dollars change.”