Tuesday, September 7, 2010

CHANGES TIME BRINGS

Today on turning 65, I reflected upon the changes social norms have undergone which I am a witness to and the impacts thereof. Changes are a must for a society to remain vibrant but it is the misuse of such changes which defeat the purpose. I have read views of a couple of young ladies on touchy but important issues of relationships and that has acted as catalytic agent to make me write this. Recently I visited space of Restless and read what she wrote about Live In and Bad Marriages. This made me decide not to lose any more time and put my thoughts across.

Let me start with Love. Love is of many hues, like between parents & children, siblings, relatives, friends to name a few. What I will take up here is Love between two persons, generally of different genders and unrelated. There is no secret that there is attraction between genders. It is from times immemorial. Let me give examples starting with Dushyant and Shakuntla and then coming to recent times of Romeo & Juliet, Shirin & Farhad, Sassi & Pannu and Laila & Majnu. But in olden days it was not widely prevalent as opportunities of interaction between persons of opposite gender was not so common. There were few instances of Love Marriages. As the time passed there were more opportunities as girls started taking up higher as well as professional education. They also had more opportunities to go for jobs in or outside hometown increasing interaction between opposite genders. Thus it is natural for two persons who are attracted and like each other to fall in love and parents need to open their mind to let children have space. This brings us to point where I can say with conviction that when two persons are in such relationship, there is bound to be certain amount of physicality. In my younger days it was close hugs and stolen kisses. Of course there were those who went for more but that was not so common due to lack of opportunity. This brings us to question of pre-marital sex. May I pose a question to all of you, specially males, why is it accepted if a boy has sex with a girl but she is the one who is castigated? Is she not a human being with normal urges? In olden days too there were a lot of instances where cousins had indulged in physical relations as interaction with outsiders was restricted. In some cases it resulted in Forced Marriages if customs permitted. I feel it is upto individual to set limits and to go this far & not farther. But after marriage both boy and the girl should keep trust intact. I do not advocate promiscuity but if it is discreet with those in Love, others should not raise fingers. I have only one Thumb Rule for this which I told both our children, daughter and son, once they were off age “ Follow your conscience and never do something which makes you hang your head in shame later.”

Let us now see Live In relations. If two persons are in love but are not yet in a position to marry, here I must say that marriage is definitely ultimate aim in Love, they may decide to live together depending upon circumstances. Here comes a point which Restless has raised very pertinently , what is the status of children born out of this relationship? Specially if parents do not get married ultimately. Other drawback is what about those who just wish to do so because of LUST? Mostly boys. I know there is Court ruling that those who are in Live In relationship for a reasonable period are to be treated as married couple but such period is not quantified. What happens if boy after having had his fun for let us say a few months walks out? I always say it is unfortunately it is the girl who is at the receiving end. So GIRLS before you decide to go for Live In relationship, do apply your mind fully.

Now coming to Bad Marriage. It is advisable that couple who are going for marriage have pre-marriage counseling. No matter how long they may have know each other or dated, it is only when you are together 7 X 24 that you know the other person fully. It must be borne in mind that both are equal partners in marriage, and that is possible only if few golden rules are kept in mind. Along with pre-marriage counseling, they should also not project goody goody image but talk to each other frankly about own expectations, willingness to adjust and shortcomings. Once married, following , which is my experience after having been married for almost 39 years now with our normal ups and downs, should be kept in mind to ensure there is no issue which raises ugly head :

a) Mutual respect as the person is as well as respect for each other’s relatives.
b) Mutual trust and ensure that this is not broken.
c) Willingness to adjust and accept the other as he or she is.
d) Giving space to each other and to ensure that it is not misused.
e) In case of any misunderstanding, open & logical two way communication without throwing tantrums. They may even agree to disagree.
f) To be there for each other in time of need and try to go extra mile for other.
g) No verbal or physical abuse, specially from husband.
h) To be able to ignore unwanted interference from others.
i) Last but not the least, frankness on physical aspects.

Well, I am open to your suggestions.

23 comments:

EM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EM said...

sending you wishes on your birthday, j-uncle. It is indeed wonderful to know you!

..it is one's own quest for non-isolation (in any relationship) that drives many to isolating experiences..such as what you state in the post...

i am a woman, and yet i feel girls are not the only ones on the receiving end...boys are too...we just don't hear about it...i realized it only when I opened my eyes to the issues boys - starting with those in my circle - face as well,

Love is pure and limitless. Expressing this love is a must!

Ann said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ann said...

Well, I do agree with you. People nowasys have made fun of love and relationships. Youngsters are taking things for granted and consider everything as easily available. Specially, guys think, if they are in love with a gal they have every right to be physical with her. But then, they backout when girl asks for marriage. Even somes gals are also like that. But most of the times, guys ditch a girl. And the result is more break ups and nowadys, gals (including me) have lost their trust on marrieage and love and are ready to live single rather than with a false person.

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Jack, finally I am here! Must say, am touched to see my name in your post :) Thank you!

Yes, women have to be smart before they get into a live-in, certain ground rules must be there to be followed by both partners.

and yes, premarital counselling is something which people don't realise is important. I wish that becomes the startpoint of a comitted relationship, any where in the world.

Like the way u write.

RESTLESS

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

And good wishes for your birthday, though belated.

RESTLESS

ritika said...

Wishes, Belated Happy Birthday,Jack uncle..

Yes, Girls suffer every time!

Whether marriage, or live-in relationships, women have too adjust over small things,

Men are accepted as they are! JERKS! am so Anti- men! my course is driving me to become a feminist.

suruchi said...

happyyyyyyyyyyyy birthday...
just sixty five years young!
and rocking too:-)

n I so salute to all the wonderful things you've upheld...
u know I agree with them all!
it's soooo needed to have more grown ups acting as mature as you are, to create a truly thinking n open society:-)

i wish u all the contentment n joys:-)

Sakshi said...

Marriage has lost the sanctity of it being a pure and a religious sanctment thing. With Divorces becoming so common, and so easy to achieve, no one is willing to make it work. Love is losing its charm in the materialistic society that we live in.. and with the cost of living increasing almost 10 fold, it is becoming increasingly difficult to have the practicalities of life and love go hand in hand. Of course, there are all of us who still believe in love and the feeling there of. A marriage, I always believe is ONLY as good as we make it.

Live In- The latest trend. I think that, it a very understood thing between both the boy and girl about the lack of commitment in a live in, thus, I don't think that a girl is left in lurch because of that. And, if she is getting into a live in, she knows the repercussions of it.
And the law, that has been enacted in Maharashtara for the live ins, I think is for live ins for a period of five years. It is an empowering legislation, which says that the woman has the same rights as that of a wife if she is in a live in. I being a lawyer personally feel that even though it has been enacted for the better, it just completely take away from a live in. A couple would go in for a live in, because they would not want to be in a legal commitment and this legislations completely over rules the whole concept.

And as far as children go; then it be known that as per Hindu law, an illegitimate child is as good as a legitimate one. So, need not worry!

♥ ♥bebo ♥ ♥ said...

OMG
HAPPY HAPPY BDAY
TUM JIYO HAZARO SAAL..
SAAL K DIN HO LAAKH HAZARR...:)
LOADS OF WISHES N REGARDS...

o and by the way...
POST..honestly...its a long post..didn't read it poora..

sulagna ™ said...

JACK UNCLE I MISSED YOUR BIRTHDAY :( :( :(

when was it?? sorry !!!

Jack said...

E M :

Thanks for your kind wishes. I agree some boys too face such situations but it is my firm belief that girls suffer more as they get carried away due to their being emotional. Take care


ANN :

I am sorry that you have had a bad experience. Please do not let it affect your life in cynical manner. I am sure you will find the right person soon. It is sad but true that many boys just want to have fun. Take care


RESTLESS :

Welcome to my space. Credit where due must be given. You had brought out such important facts and it deserves praise. Thanks for your kind wishes. I look forward to your views on my older posts also, if you find time to read those. We need to raise awareness in young girls right from the time they come off age and make them feel responsible to take decisions after application of mind. For this parents, teachers and social organisations should pool in their resources. Take care


RITIKA :

Thanks for your kind wishes. I am fully with you that in today's time it is girls who have to bear brunt of all. This is so unfortunate. They are the ones who bond families but get no credit. However please do not let it affect your mind in negative way. There are some good boys too from respectable families.

I had given you may mail id as per your desire and am still to hear from you. It is however your prerogative. Take care


SURUCHI :

Thanks for such affectionate and kind wishes. I must meet a good lawyer to find ways to adopt you. I feel so proud of you. Take care


SAKSHI :

I feel so satisfied with your indepth comments. True there are lots of divorces but there still are more marriages which succeed. We all just need to understand and make efforts for it, both husband and wife. In today's fast paced life it is not possible to have coochie coochie time always but still love does blossom in own ways depending on each couple. I strongly feel that it is possible that many girls are manipulated into agreeing for live in. And if we can have a survey carried out honestly, I will not be surprised that in many cases they get left out in cold after boy gets hooked to someone else. No matter even if an illegitimate child is given recognition by law, in his or her own heart the thorn will always be there and even society will always make comments behind their back.
Take care


BEBO :

Thanks a millions for you such sweet wishes. I am so happy to see you here. I visited you second space and left my comment. Please do read the post in full and give your valuable views. Take care


SULAGNA :

As long as you wish me in your heart, it is so good. I have told it in the begining of the post, TODAY and as the post was on 07 Sep, so that is the day. Hope to hear your views on this post. Take care

Cherry Blossom said...

Firstly, I apologize for the belated birthday wishes. Hope you had a wonderful birthday. To come to your article, I think you have done a wonderful analysis of the present marital, or man-woman scenario. The most important thing that is lacking in today's system is loss of respect. Earlier, you are the best witness, the respect that existed between a man and a woman, a husband and a wife, a brother and a sister, are absolutely crushed now, to leave aside the 2% exceptions. Our culture is getting absolutely westernized in terms of everything. But western culture also has got its positive sides. If mutual respect starts to develop once again, half the issues will be solved. Why should a couple go for live-in relationship? What is the outcome? Earlier, how people used to adjust with each other even when they couldnt see each other before their marriage? Too much ego, self - consciousness and lack of logical outlook eventually damages respect that one can have for the other. Its pathetic and will get worse if people dont think and try to keep carefree intentions under control. Indian society, morally, can never accept live-in relations. People should think of their children before they think of themselves.

Amrita said...

I missed ur bday :( Hope you had a wonderful one!
Yes a true post and ur suggestions are always so practical and logical, thats why i love coming back to your posts :)

Mademoiselle Deva said...

This is all so true what you just said here! I agree about marriage. We must be very aware that we want to be with someone! Then love and respect the other person!

Happy belated birthday!!! Hope you are celebrating it well this weekend!

bangles said...

happy birthday jack uncle! ROCK ON and thanks for the comments on my blog!!

Jack said...

C B :

Thanks for your wishes. It is never late to wish someone as long as it is from one's heart. Thanks again for such in depth comment. I have said change is must for society to remain vibrant but at the same time certain core values need to be retained. That is what I tried to bring out. We are forgetting family ties. And as you said it is due to our getting more and more materialistic. Hope some sense prevails. Take care


AMRITA :

No, you did not my birthday as I do not think I ever told you about it. Your kind thoughts are more than anything else. Thanks for your supportive comments. Take care


DEVA :

Thanks for your wishes. It was such a fun with grandchildren feeling so happy that I too have birthday. Not only in marriage but in any relationship the norms which I mentioned play a major role to make it healthy, in marriage it is all the more important. Take care


BANGLES :

I am so pleased to see you here and THANKS for your wishes. How about your views on the post? You write well so I keep giving my inputs. Take care

rohini said...

Sir, i m so sorry that i visited this page after so many days of posting....

Firstly Happy Belated Birthday!!

i loved reading the post...and the points u laid at the end are so apt..and true...

thnx for sharing such beautiful knwoledge thru ur yrs experience...thnx:)

Sach! said...

I know I am late but still Happy Dappy B'day !!!!

And, I really loved your post. My fav. sentences were of Mutual respect and trust. I wish world understands. :)

Escapist said...

Happy bthday uncle......

Jack said...

ROHINI :

As they say " DER AAYE DURUST AAYE". Thanks for your wishes and it is not late when you wish sincerely. Thanks again for supportive comments. Take care


SACH :

I am so glad to see you here. Thanks a lot for your kind wishes, as I have said above to Rohini, it is never late if wishes are from heart. Hope to see your views on some of my older posts too relating to human nature. Take care


ESCAPIST :

You made my day. Thanks a lot. Do see your mail. Take care

preeti said...

good thought provoking read Jack. But somehow I am truly conventional and do not quite agree with live in stuff.

Jack said...

PREETI :

I am with you on this but as one says " To each his or her own". If a girls goes in for such relationship after considering all aspects, then it is her decision as an adult. Take care