Friday, September 14, 2012

TALE OF TWO FATHERS


First is about a father who’s professionally qualified daughter died unnatural death few months after her marriage. She was in her early 20s or so. He is my wife’s cousin. He was in knickers when we got married almost 41 years ago. Though we did not have very close contact but met once or twice a year. I had attended his marriage as well as of his daughter. She is supposed to have committed suicide as claimed by her in-laws. It was after her death that we learnt that she was harassed by her husband and his mother. They had even lied about his business etc. She had told her parents about it and had even shown bruises she suffered but her father told her to adjust and settle down.  They did not share this sad situation with anyone. It was only after she was no more that they lodged complaint with police. I have shared this here almost a year ago stating that had he spoken about it when  she was alive, a young life could have been saved. This is one extreme of behavior for the sake of family honour in the eyes of society.

The second father is a self confessed strict person in who’s presence no one can utter anything which he disapproves. His daughter had once told that he used to slap her till she was 14 or 15 years old. While in college she got into relationship with a boy without her father’s knowledge. When she started working she told her father about it and expressed desire to marry that boy. He not only refused but also gave her scolding so harshly that she did not have courage to speak about it again. Then he got her married off  few months later. Her would be in-laws told her before marriage that they were not looking for a daughter in law but member of family as they would all be living together. They also told her that she had full right to refuse if she did not like their son or did not wish to live together. She had told them that she was willing without any problems. Even the boy she was married to told her a number of times whenever they met before marriage that he being the only son, as his sister was married and living with her family, he would like his parents to stay with him. She had accepted this without any arguments. But after marriage she had a lot of differences with him on small issues and her father used to be with her whenever she called him. She left for her parents’ house a number of times after quarreling with her husband on some small issue and her father not only let her be there but also never made efforts to contact her husband or his parents about what the issue was. Her in- laws had offered to live separately but her husband would not hear of that and even she outwardly told them that she had no problems with them but with husband only. They were blessed with child after almost 2 years of marriage. Her moving to her parents’ house frequently and staying with them for long periods is spoiling not only their married life but causing a lot of unhappiness for her in-laws as well as her child. It seems that main issue is that she wants her husband to follow whatever her father says which he does not as he feels that to be interference in their personal life which his own parents never do. Now this is the other extreme behavior of a father.

This makes me wonder why can parents not look for their daughters to settle down safely and happily after marriage instead of worrying about false prestige in the eyes of society or to satisfy their own jumbo ego. When our daughter was married, I had told her that though we would be there for her but she has to make her place in her new family with love and respect. I am proud that she has not let us down, though they had their own share of fights and all which they resolved at their own.  

15 comments:

Ash said...

well written uncle.... parents should let grown up children live in harmony and peace, that will earn them so much respect.... i saw your mails, but am sorry for being out of touch for so long, was travelling and had some meetings at work... i will speak to you soon... take care!

Ann said...

I agree with you. In some cases, girls are so agressive and not ready to adjust with their partners and their parents which leads to a bitter end.. I think we must take every relation as a give and take thing. If you will give and adjust, you will get the same.

Oldfox004 said...

Some fathers do get over-protective and create excessive nuisance in married daughter's life..I have a friend who's FIL is more interested in their married life than they are!!

all said and done, every story is unique and solutions cant be generalised. One can only take informed decisions and leave the unknowns to the almighty.

Fathers need to draw a balance in how much to involve in their married daughter's life and how to help her solve her own problems...

Chintan said...

Sigh. I wish parents could just let children be. Indian parents are control freak of highest order. Not generalizing but true to quite an extent.

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Bhagyashree said...

I suppose it it difficult to get a right blend.
As a parent I am always conscious about whether I am right or not.
But then ultimatley I have to do what I feel is right, the rest only God knows :)
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♫♪♥PhilO♥♪♫ said...

Thank God I have a very understanding father :)
Yes sometimes, parents tend to be very dominating and they want things their way. There has to be a mutual understanding!

Jack said...

ASH :

I agree with you that parents should not interfere in life of grown up children unless it is really necessary and even then they should only offer option but never force it. Take care


ANN :

If her in laws treat her well, then she should make all efforts to settle down as that is her family after marriage. Take care


OLD FOX :

I agree with you that we can not treat each the same. It can only be advised as to how to live in harmony and let involved persons understand. Proper balance is must in everything. Take care


CHINTAN :

Yes, it is true to a large extent. Time to change it. Take care


Jack said...

JAMES :

Welcome to my space. Hope to see you often. I will visit you a s a p. Take care


BHAGYASHREE:

It is difficult but not impossible. A time comes when parents need to be more open and approachable than dictators. I have written a post on this earlier. We need to let children take own decisions as per their age and offer advice or options. Take care


PHILO :

You are lucky. May God keep this understanding always. Take care

Jack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shilpa Garg said...

It's sad to see the pain within families over silly and trivial issues! And because of such attitude, not one but so many lives are affected! :|

Tranquility Speaks said...

One father who fails to see his child's wounds and another who does not want to see the wounds his child is inflicting on others.

They stem from a very lenient and extremely strict upbringing. Parents have to be their children's best friends and confidantes. At the same time, they have to understand when it is time to let go and let children make decisions.

Jack said...

SHILPA :

It takes all kind of persons to make this world, sad it is to see such instances. Take care


TRANQUILITY :

I feel that couples should be counseled on becoming parents as to what is right way from wrong. Take care

ambeekaa singh said...

parents should let their children make mistakes and then learn from it. They should not force them to learn from mistakes that they made in their youth.