Saturday, June 30, 2012

GHAR GHAR KI KAHAANI ( STORY OF EACH FAMILY )


I read Mummyji written by Shilpa ( shilpaagarg.blogspot.in )  a couple of days ago. She has very well brought out what Daughters in Law ( DILs ) feel about Mothers in Law ( MILs ). What she said is factual. While commenting I said that I would write from point of view of MILs to balance it out. We should hear out both sides, isn’t it? So here I go as to what MILs say about DILs :

1.     She is a working girl. We left it to her to continue or not after marriage. She chose to continue working. We never asked her salary or anything. But what I do not understand as to why is she on mobile almost all the time she is home and while talking she makes sure that none of us, including our son overhear, even late at night. I do not think it could be just official talks. We have left it to our son and her.
2.      She has a habit of telling everything to her parents, even if it is any minor thing in the house. She considers them to be the only ones who can advise her on any issue. I and my husband never speak any of our home issues with even close relations.
3.     Right from day one after marriage she has been after our son to leave the house and live separately. She raises some issue or the other at regular intervals to insist on her demand. This has been going on for more than 3 years now. We have told our son to shift out if he feels like it but he does not wish to.
4.     She picks a fight with our son on very small issues. We do not interfere except when it looks that things may turn violent. She uses very foul language even in presence of my husband.
5.     She at times after fight with husband leaves house and we do not know where she goes. Our son has at times called up her father to check if she was there but she was not. We get worried on this but if our son asks she flares up.
6.     Her son is with us all the day when she is in office but as soon as she comes back she takes him to her bedroom and shuts the door. On holidays she does not let him mix with us and if it is needed she restricts it to the minimum.
7.      Her parents interfere in our family issues a lot.
8.     She has a habit of talking to servants about all family issues.
9.     Her sense of dressing needs improvement. She puts on low waist jeans with t shirts exposing her behind unnecessarily many times. This is inspite of advice many times to wear long top.
10.                         If our son comes to our bedroom any time or speaks to me when alone, she rushes to us to see what is going on.
11.                         She tries to create misunderstandings by quoting things which I or my husband have never done or said, particularly with our son. She backs out when confronted that she never said anything.
12.                         On small issues with our son she packs her bags and moves to her parents place. Surprisingly they seem to encourage her on this.
13.                         Even after 4 years of marriage she still behaves like an outsider inspite of our best efforts to make her feel at home.
14.                         She wants to dominate everyone. It is like if she says it is day all must say Yes without any hesitations. She wants to control everything even after being told that we all have some roles to fulfill but she wants all of us to do exactly as per her wishes.

Well, these are few of the things which I have heard or even seen.   Any views from anyone?

19 comments:

Me said...

I am yet to read Shilpa's blog.. but I can completely understand what all has been mentioned in this post.

We have made such demons out of in-laws, that everyone thinks it is ONLY their fault. Most of the people I know from educated class, hardly bother so much abt the usual in-law stuff.

People are more tolerant and understanding now towards their sons, daughters and daughter-in-laws...

Oldfox004 said...

I don't stay with my in-laws, so no problem at all!

i guess everybody wants to change the other person but not make any effort to change themselves. All relationships suffer to this!

Jyoti Mishra said...

I'd say compromises/understanding/amends should be from both sides in a balanced way..
no side should be pushed to extremes..

I know it rarely happens... I guess this is the only solution

Shilpa Garg said...

What you have shared here is absolutely true!! Happens in so many homes!! Yesterday, I was travelling from Agra to Jaipur and heard 2 elderly sisters talk for a good 4 hours about their DILs... what they do or dont do! Listening from their point of view, it sure looked that the DILs gave them a lot of heartburn and much more...
There are all kinds of people... good DILs/MILs/Husbands/SILs and the monster variety of them too!!

♫♪♥PhilO♥♪♫ said...

You did balance it well :)
I guess creating a balance between the in laws and the daughter in law is very important! Though, many a times it is very difficult!

♫♪♥PhilO♥♪♫ said...

Watch this movie called Monster In Law staring Jennifer Lopez. You'll have a laugh :)

Gayu said...

Read Shilpa's post and then came here to read this. yOu have done 100% justice. Few points which i would like to add

*DIL(who is working), kepps complaining of high workload in office, pressure, deadlines and stress. Here if MIL tells to tae a break and leave the job, DIL will start throwing tantrums. I have come accross such DIL's.

*There are many DIL's hwo shout at thei children, but indirectly taunt their MIL's.

there are many more...and I can write pages on this from both the sides. But i wish to stop here.

We can't blame the DIL or MIL as the grass is always greener on the other side.
MIL's feel, DIL go to office, enjoy with friends so why not do some household work.

Dil's feel, MIL sits whole day at home, what work does have, so let her do some. HUH..!!! the argument continues:)

Take care
Gayu

Amrita said...

Uncle one thing I must say - you are so very neutral n practical. The people around you are truly blessed! May there be many many more like you!

Rià said...

i dont stay with my in laws so no problem what so ever!!

Shadan Syed Khan said...

Hello Jack.. I guess somewhere its generation gap and somewhere its about different ideologies.. when it comes to inlaws, since they have not lived with us through our lives, it takes time for them to understand us like they do their son. But its about compromises on both sides that can make the relation happier. Moreover its important to look through the flaws, since nobody is perfect.

Jack said...

ME :

Thank you for your understanding views. Hope you read my post Happy Married Life written in 3 parts in Oct - Nov 2009. Take care


OLDFOX :

Lucky your are! What you said is absolute truth. Take care


JYOTI :

I agree that what you say does not happen mostly but that is the secret to happiness in relationships. Take care

Jack said...

SHILPA :

We all talk of faults or shortcoming of others without looking into our own selves. Kindly give me your valuable views on my post Happy Married Life written in 3 parts in Oct - Nov 2009. I shall be grateful if you let me have those by mail. Take care


PHILO :

Thanks for such supporting views. I shall try to see the movie. Take care


GAYU :

Thanks not only for such support but views in details giving more situations. Take care

Jack said...

AMRITA :

Awwwww! You are too liberal in your views. Thanks. This kind of support keeps me going to do what I feel is right as per conscience. Take care


RIA :

Lucky you are but we can always discuss what goes on in society. Take care


SHADAN :

I agree with you about generation gap and difference of ideologies but we need to move with times. Kindly give me your valuable views on my post Happy Married Life written in 3 parts in Oct-Nov 2009. Take care

Ash said...

Hi Jack, its good to connect here, and thanks for visiting my blog! I'm copy-pasting the relevant bits of my reply to your comment on my own post :)

I read your post on the MIL's point of view, and although it is very well written, it reinforces my stand that a married couple absolutely must live in a separate establishment. I see no logic in living in the husband's parents' home. One must respect the fact that both the MIL and the DIL have the right to manage their own establishments the way they would like to. At the same time, parents of both the husband and the wife need to be treated with EQUAL regard and care. Why place the husband's parents on a higher pedestal?

Our society tends to expect the girl to forget that she has her own family too, and has lived with them for years before marrying this man. It is natural that she will confide in them. It bothers me when a girl is told by her husband and in-laws that "her parents are another family now, but his parents are part of the same family and she must put them in first place". That, in my opinion, is blatantly unfair, and hard to live by.

If a couple stays on their own while keeping both sets of parents close at hand and equally loved, and parents treat the couple like grown ups too, most issues that ruin relationships won't even arise. And yes, every adult individual has right to choose what to wear, eat, do, and whether to follow certain customs or traditions. Advice is always welcome but imposition can only cause resentment, and so, it is best avoided.

And I completely agree with you that if there is any hint of any kind of violence, the girl needs to get out, and pronto. No compromises there.

Jack said...

ASH :

I am so grateful for such detailed views from a young lady. Please do allow me to reply as best I can. I always say that there are many customs of our society which need to be looked at with times and changed as required. Coming to marriage, as I have said earlier also, it is not just union of two individuals but coming together of two families. Be it here or west or any other culture by and large. In most of the cultures, girl leaves her parental house to join her husband. It could be a separate house or his parents home. Both parents, boys and girls, should be treated alike. There is no difference which should be made. Living independently or in joint family is choice of a couple, with due discussion between husband & wife. Nuclear families have advantage of total independence allowing the newly married girl to set up home as per her choice but it also has shortcoming of lack of experience as well as if both are working neglect of home and children later. Though nannies are there but would you prefer an outsider to your own blood relation to take care of your child? Living separately with parents living close by is a good option but it also depends upon financial situation. My stress is that if it is joint family, both MIL as well as DIL have to understand to live with harmony as suggested by me in later post. You are most welcome to give your views here or by mail if you feel comfortable. Take care

Amrita Tanmay said...

नहीं पता था कि आधुनिक घर में नित नयी-नयी खोज होती है वही कहानी को आगे बढाने के लिए...सच है ..शिक्षा सोच को विस्तार देती है तब न नए बहाने ईजाद किये जाते हैं..

Jack said...

AMRITA :

SHIKSHAA KA THEEK DHANG SE PRAAYOG HI SABKAA JEEVAN KHUSH RAKH SAKTAA HAI.

Take care

Gauri said...

It will take an entire generation or more of strong headed & committed women to bring about a shift in culture. I guess the beginning would understanding this inter generational tug of war between MILs & their DIls and from this "Kyunki Saan Bhi Kabhi Nahu Thi" perspective hopefully a less threatened, more patient and understanding approach may develop.

ambeekaa singh said...

:)

Ask me, I am a witness and a victim of the DIL vs MIL disagreements at home. (And, the disagreements makes me roll my eyes every time I hear them).

I am a daughter and I don't get it what's with making such a demon out of someone's mom??

I have friends who want their MILs dead...I mean they want them to die sooner. Oooooof listening to them makes my heart burn.