Sunday, December 25, 2011

COMPLETION OF PREVIOUS POST

In the beginning of my previous post I had said that we all need space to do something or the other and also that we do not want anyone to hear our personal conversation. Further I had written about what I had observed without making any judgement and asked for opinion from you all. Surprisingly some of you felt that I had thought of her adversely. Most of you rightly deduced that she may be talking to her mother. I do not know her except that they stay in the block next to our and have seen her father in law at times with his grandson when I go with our granddaughter to the park. We are just on hello hello terms.

Now coming to the rest of the post :

One of their neighbors is also a dog lover and has a dog. We often meet while walking our dogs. That is how we got talking in general. He had been with me a few times when I observed what I stated. I did not say anything on this. A few days ago he told me about her.

She has been married for a little over 5 years. Though it was an arranged marriage, they had met a few times to get to know each other. Soon after marriage she started insisting that they should stay separately. Even her mother told her in laws that they should live independently. Her father in law had told that it was upto their son to do what he wished and neither he would interfere nor he would like anyone to do so. Her husband being the only son wanted parents to stay with them and he had made it clear to her before marriage which she had agreed to. Her father in law is retired government officer who contributes to family expenses from his pension. She still kept pestering him to separate out and at times there were ugly spats between the couple which the neighbors were witness to. Her in laws are non-interfering and have told their son to live separately if that brings peace in his life. He is not keen as he had told that if they did so there will be immense interference from her mother who is extremely overbearing. This young lady is still not reconciled and keeps on with her demand off & on. Her young son is taken care of by her in laws but as soon as she comes back from office she takes him to her room shutting the door inspite of young boy saying that he wants to be with granny. This he said that he had seen few times when he was in their house at that time. Her mother seldom visits as she understands that due to her interference she is not welcome warmly. It is well known that she still keeps on instigating her daughter to keep up with her demand and wants her to keep updating her on each and every thing happening in the house. This young lady seems to be controlled to a large extent by her mother.

I strongly feel that after marriage one should not interfere in daughter’s affairs unless it is deemed necessary due to domestic violence, mental or physical for which recourses are available. Let the couple settle down and accept that there will be some differences in any couple, specially newly married. All the more reason to severe umbilical cord if her in laws treat her with due respect and love. And one should use freedom or space judiciously and not for creating disharmony.

22 comments:

Sakshi said...

In this case, the mother of the daughter interferes. In lots of cases it is the mother of the son interferes.. and then it is not that umbilical chord be cut and the couple stay in peace?
I agree with you, that the interference from the girl's parents is very unwarranted.
But then, when one stays in a joint family a.k.a with in laws, it becomes over bearing. And the poor son is squashed between the parents and wife. *I am gonna pen down something in continuation of this on my blog.. give me a day or two!*

Komal Ali said...

I agree with you for the most part. I believe marital life is very personal. Nobody should have a say in how it should function. Be it friends, guy's family or girl's family.
In response to your comment on my blog, don't worry. :-)

sulagna ™ said...

jack uncle you touched a raw nerve somewhere :)

Ellen said...

It is wise to try as best as any new couple can to live their own lives separate from parents or the in-laws from both sides. It's simple common sense. Only in rare circumstances as in their financial inability should it stand to restrain them from making such independent move. But that should only be temporary. The bottom line is they must live their own lives soonest possible.

Blessings of the holiday season to you and your family, Jack. :-)

Neha said...

I have seen/witnessed a few such families too and it is actually very sad. The same mother will not be happy if her own son did that to her, then why want your daughter to do it with another mother??? And though a man is completely responsible to his wife, he also owes that to his parents who have brought him up. To ruin the peace in the house this way is totally foolish as a women needs to understand that such things affect the children too. I don't understand how anyone can do this with those they love! This applies both to the mother for making her daughter do all this and the daughter who doesn't seem to have a sane head on her shoulders!

Purba said...

It's tragic when parents contribute to their child's unhappiness.

Shreya said...

I agree with you Sir. In daughter's matter its not completely suitable to interfere. But after a limit when situation goes out of hands someone must settle it.

Rachit said...

In all its the boy who suffers.. :(
Weakest LINK

♫♪♥PhilO♥♪♫ said...

it actually depends on how bad the situation gets..

Tanvi said...

No one knows what makes a marriage works except the two involved. Better everyone takes care of their own life and let the two figure it out themselves. But it seldom happens!

♡ from © tanvii.com

Being Pramoda... said...

The number of such cases these days is worst growing! i pick the perception as the culprit..

parents wants their daughter to be with them and the in-laws feel the same with their son.. better i guess in this situ is to stay separate and meet them occasionally..

parents also shall give space be it their son or daughter, no matter..

it all starts with the ritual that after marriage the girl is all of in-laws family, at the same time she is of her own family too which has been bringing her up.. change the perception, attitude, its all set..

Meera Sundararajan said...

Jack you are so right! After marriage a child - son or daughter should be given independence and asked to manage his/her own life. But in India parents get very dependent on the child and vice versa. The influence of any third party in a relationship like marriage can only be damaging.

PS Thanks for asking about my health- feeling much better now :)!

Jack said...

SAKSHI :

Interference from either side is totally unwarranted. Support, Help, Advice if sought YES but Interference a BIG NO. Looking forward to your thoughts. Take care


KOMAL :

A newly married couple should be given time to settle down with each other at their own. Do read what I told Sakshi above. Take care


SULAGNA :

One should keep in mind that boy or girl have to be on their own some time or the other as one can not be there all through their life. So why try to make them follow your dictates? Let them settle down at their own self. Take care


ELLEN :

We still believe in keeping our bonds and respect with parents, specially when they grow old. It is upto each one to allow space to others as needed. Take care

Jack said...

NEHA :

It is very sad that inspite of having seen such instances, interference by either side goes on. I believe in - treat your d i l the way you want your daughter to be treated in her in laws place, girl should behave the same way in her in laws place as she would like to see her brother's wife do in her parent's place and girls parents should behave in the same way as they would like their d i l's parents to behave. Take care


PURBA :

Surely it is so.Unfortunately at time it may lead to more serious situations. Take care


SHREYA :

Please read what I told Neha above and also I said in my last paragraph of my post. Take care


RACHIT :

True but who understands this? Take care

Jack said...

PHILO :

Why wait for that? Let the couple understand each other and settle down without any interference. Take care


TANVI :

Even if newly married couple stays with either of parents, they should be given space to get to know each other and settle down at their own self without any interference. Take care


PRAMODA :

Please read what I told Neha above. Take care


MEERA :

Please real what I told Neha and Tanvi above. Take care

viddhi said...

totally agree with you ! :)

Sadaf Fayyaz said...

http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/2011/12/links-to-my-news-tribe-work.html
here goes my written work...I cant publish it on my blog.........hope u ll like reading it........

Ann said...

yes, I agree sometimes people become selfish and think only about themselves. But, we must give it a thought what if someone does the same with our parents. Keep posting.

Good Luck,
Ann

Eeshie said...

Hm.

Intersting.

Jack said...

VIDDHI :

Thanks for supportive view. Take care


SADAF :

I will visit these soon. Take care


ANN :

We must put ourselves in other's shoes before we take any step which we may feel could hurt that person. Take care


EESHIE :

Welcome to my space. Hope to see you often and have your valuable views. Take care

Rose said...

Regrettably, some people are used to having and wanting things their own way. And children are taught to do the same.

Amrita Tanmay said...

विचारणीय मुद्दा.. बहुत बढ़िया लिखा है |