Thursday, July 14, 2011

THINK BEFORE YOU LEAP

I am in final year of graduation. I have been good in studies and extra curricular activities. I am NCC cadet and I participate in dramas, debates and dances etc from school days onwards. I am living with my parents, two elder brothers and a younger sister in a huge HAVELI type house in the outskirts of town. My father has whole sale business in old city. He and brothers leave around 8 am for that place. My sister is in 10th and her school is on the other side of city. Our house has a number of independent rooms adjoining main entrance which are for letting out. About a year ago a young man working in some government office had taken one of the rooms. Our house is quite isolated with a lot of other building under construction a little distance away. I have to walk about half a mile to get rickshaw to go to college. At times some of my friends meet me while I am looking for rickshaw. One day as I was waiting for rickshaw, he passed by on scooter. He stopped and asked me if he could drop me at college as his office is close to my college. I at first hesitated but seeing that I was getting late I accepted. As roads in our localities are in bad shape, I had to hold him lest I fall. He left me at college gate. Next day as I was walking towards the main road, he came by and offered me lift. Our house is not visible from that place due to construction work going on. I agreed. While dropping me at college gate he told me that he goes at the same time so if I do not mind he can drop me everyday. As it is not easy to get rickshaw many a times, I agreed. A few days later he asked me if I was in hurry to reach college. On my saying no, he asked if we could stop to have a cup of tea. I agreed. There is a small restaurant near our college. We stopped there. I told him I do not take tea at this time. So he offered me cold drink and snacks. There he told me that his office job involves field work and if I agree and tell him in the morning when I will be free from college he can plan it accordingly to drop me back home also. As he had been very decent and helpful and also reluctance of rickshaw pullers to go to our locality, I accepted this as God sent blessing. So we started this routine and at times had cold drinks at that restaurant. About two weeks later it was my birthday. I had told him that. In the morning he gave me a very good card and roses. Later while returning from college, he picked up some cold drinks and snacks of my liking. When we reached home, he asked me to join him in his room to celebrate my birthday. It was quite hot and the place was deserted with few labourers working. I agreed as no one could see us. When we were in the room, he put on birthday songs on his cassette player. He hugged me wishing happy birthday again. Though reluctant at first, I liked this and let him hold me close. He suddenly kissed me on cheeks. I was shocked but pleasantly surprised too. As I did not make any attempt to move out of his embrace, he held me more tightly. This sent shivers down my spine and I started pushing him away. He held on and told me not to worry as he will not harm me because he loves me. I felt as if it was a fairy tale and just stayed there. On his asking if I also love him, I just nodded blushingly. He kissed me on lips making me feel weak in knees. He however stopped on my saying so. I gathered up my things and left soon after I finished my cold drink. Later throughout that day I kept feeling funny sensation. Next day he told me he was sorry for what happened but I told him it was ok. We started spending some time in the room two or three times a week depending on how early I reached home. After few such meetings while kissing he started feeling me up there and I half heartedly asked him not to do so. I felt very shy when he removed my upper clothing first time making feeble efforts to stop him. This went on and we started feeling each other and little more than that. One day when I was very aroused and beyond caring, he made me lie on the bed and made love. I felt guilty and cried after that but he consoled me saying not to worry as he would marry me. We then started doing it as and when we could. Now that I am going to complete graduation, my parents have started looking for match. I am scared as my state will be known to my future husband and also I want to marry him only. He also wants to but is scared to talk to my parents as well as his.

This is what Geeta told me. I have translated it from vernacular and censored it a little to suit publishing it here. This happened more than 25 years ago and in a town of medium size where I was based those days. A cousin of mine who is ages younger to me, she was barely 2 years old when I got married, asked me to help her college mate who was elder and senior. I was little reluctant as this was something like family affair. But she persisted as that friend’s family instead of doing anything to help her would fly into rage if they came to know what had happened and that girl was in suicide mode. So I had agreed.

I met her. She was about 20 years old. She was not willing to talk in our first meeting so I had to meet her few more times before she opened up but a lot of coaxing with leading questions / suggestions was required. We used to meet in my office and my cousin used to sit outside the glass partition to enable her friend to speak to me in confidence.

On hearing what she told, first thing which came in my mind was how come she let herself into such situation but on second thoughts she too is human and had let her emotions set off by curiosities take over. I knew his boss due to nature of my work. So I discussed it with him. Later we could convince parents of both sides to agree for their marriage saying that they are deeply in love. We did not disclose anything more. Of course our respective positions were of great advantage. Years later I learnt from my cousin that they are living happily.

My purpose of telling this is that as there is more intermingling now during college or even school and thereafter in work place leading to more chances of relationships developing. Banning mobiles or jeans may be hurdles but can not curb it in totality. Jeans were not so common those days and there were no mobiles and this was an incident in medium sized town more than two decades ago, in present times in big towns or metros such chances are even more. As it presently goes in our society, boys will get away with any kind of indiscretion but it is girls who are left holding the baby. In this instant the boy was willing to marry but now a days it is not so many a times. Based on my numerous talks with youngsters as well as some grown up persons of both genders I can say that majority of boys are keen on physicality after sometime in a relationship while girls like attention and live in fairy tale dreams looking for commitments. While they may like cuddling but for physical relations, it is upto girls to decide how far they want to go. Whatever decision they take has to be after full application of mind and as dictated by own conscience. If they can control their urges and do not want to go all the way then limits have to be set. Both partners, girls more so, need to ensure that situation never arises where chances of exceeding limits are high. Whatever be it, discretion is must and she should see that partner is not a blabber mouth. This is where I think role of parents is of utmost importance. As children grow up parents need to understand their aspirations and make communication easy to ensure that children gain confidence in them to share their thoughts. They should be more of guides than dictators. If that situation is not there then I suggest that girls may seek advice of someone elderly whom they can talk to freely.

35 comments:

Alka Gurha said...

I only hope all the young girls read this post and take prudent decisions......For this reason a mothers role is very important....There has to be constant communication during pre- teen and teen years. Sadly we lack sex education and girls shy away from councilors...Moms it has to be.

Tanvi said...

I hope there are step taken towards a better sex education in our country and an open communication between parents and kids about sex. There is so much curiosity about this subject while growing up due the fact that it is considered taboo! As soon as it is shown in the light that it is a natural human process and to be indulged in at the right time with right person ... a lot of young people will start seeing it in different light - men and women alike.

♡ from © tanvii.com

☆ Rià ღ said...

I totally agree with what Tanvi has said...and i just hope girls read this post, this is a very imp thing.

Dishita said...

I saw the word conscience being coined somewhere in the psot or comment, but sadly when emotions are involved that doesnot surface up until its late. I feel in such cases only thing that helps you is prudence to deal with the situation. As a matter of fact, no one is prepared for everything in life but with sound understanding of one's need we can overcome the absurb urges.
I loved the line where you mentioned girls love to live in fairy tale- its so true, can feel the very bit of it everytime in my life.

Just curious, don't they have privacy terms or issue disclosure with NGOs bacuase i see you discussing clients sotries. I am not sure how these works. Again, nothing against you.

♪♪HARINI♪♪ said...

Yeah I agree completely.
That was a really good ending by the way. I was expecting her to be taken somewhere and kidnapped and things like that. Really liked the way things turned out.

Mishi said...

your read reminded me a tragic story of a friend...she was trapped by a man when we were in university..while she was in hostel so her family couldnt know anything...

that man was a player..he trapped her and used her and later on refused to marry her...i still remember the way she used to cry...thanks God her life was saved as on our advice she told each n every thing to her mother and her family found a very good proposal for her..she is happily married now mashALLAH....girls are emotionally weak then men..they get spoiled easily...in this case its again the duty of mother the most to keep an eye on her daughter..then it could be friends and sisters too...thats why they say its very important to have good company around you..

if your friends are good and sensible they can never let you join a bad path..its everybody's moral duty to guide a young girl around them if she is in such kind of trap.em happy your story ended well too;-)

viddhi said...

totally agree with everything you have written ...
i just hope girls read it and realise that they always have the right to say NO and a person who truly loves them will always respect their decision

Neeha said...

I think there need to be better communication between parents and children.Parents should make them feel comfortable to share everythng at the same tim should tel how vulnerable girls.

kavita said...

An open and constant communication is always good in any relation.Lucky are those who have it and for those who don't i wish there is someone like you in their lives.Great job you are doing.

Sakshi said...

The need of the hour is- Proper Adolescent Education, a.k.a Sex Education, wherein the teenagers are not only taught to accept the changes in their body but also, how to deal with them.
Unfortunately, a lot of politicians in our country feel that, such kind of education will corrupt the minds of the children, not realising that with lack of information, the kids are more vulnerable to consequences that they have no idea about!

suruchi said...

Just as all the fun seems to come my way...all the agony seems to find you!
This is a common place scenario now and people are pretty aware of consequences...yes, even the young girls who are totally naive-awareness is the key and some girls are not lucky enough like the one you mentioned in the story.

more times than not, we learn through our own experiences, good and bad and curiosity clouds reasoning!
we can only hope that kids confide in parents or someone sensible they can trust and guide them right!

Oldfox004 said...

this girl is very very lucky as he truly loved her...but there r a thousand more girls who suffer from exploring their own curiosity. the guy has fun while the girl 'lives' with the 'stain' all her life.

good to know about how u guys helped, but she would still not be comfortable with whatever she had done.

i guess knowledge has to be the key here. parents, especially mothers need to be in touch with their adolescent kids; not to keep a tag on them but just a friendly channel of communication where the kids can talk openly and thus express their new-found sexual urge.

Uncle, every post of urs brings out one n only one thing - Parents have a vital role to play in the most vulnerable age of a child. Sadly, parents get so much involved in making money, to moving up the ladder and the usual self-centered acts.

It high time somebody starts a 'parenting' school:)

N God Bless u, Uncle...u inpire me.
i hope to have at least half ur helpful, enthusiastic spirit when i am ur age:)

Jack said...

ALKA :

I also hope so. It is true that we lack in sex education which negatively affects the child. Parents shy away from this issue. Take care


TANVI :

I also hope that some sense prevails into those responsible for education to introduce this step by step as per age. Parents too need to be more open and encourage children to share their anxieties. I missed your views in my previous post. Take care


RIA :

I too hope so. Take care


DISHITA :

Prudence is definitely what is needed always. That is why I said to take decision after due application of mind. What we need is open attitude of parents to discuss all growing processes with children and proper sex education in schools as per age. Now on privacy, even professional do discuss cases in seminars or write in journals but keeping names secret. I write under pen name and change names as well as places of involved persons to ensure their identity is not comprised. Hope that is approved by you. Take care

Jack said...

HARINI :

She was lucky but everyone is not so. Hope my writing this can benefit someone. Take care


MISHI :

Your friend was lucky to have such supportive parents. So was this girl. But unfortunately everyone is not. So it is better to understand what is what and then decide. Take care


VIDDHI :

I am grateful for your support. A girl must know what she is getting into and after due thought should decide. It is good to say NO if one is not keen and conscience does not allow. Take care


NEEHA :

I am with you on this. Parents should not shy away from teaching their children facts of life as they are responsible if child suffers any harm. Take care

Jack said...

KAVITA :

Right you are. Open and regular communication between parents and children is a must at growing stage or even after. I just try to do my bit to see that no harm comes to someone due to lack of knowledge. Take care


SAKSHI :

I fully endorse your views on giving proper education on this issue as for want of this young impressionable youngsters, boys and girls both, fall pray to anti-social elements. In absence of such step it is parents who should do the needful but sadly they too feel shy to talk on this subject. Lesser said about our respected politicians better it is.
Take care


SURUCHI :

I will not call it agony but it is just so that I have seen so many of such happenings. There have been very happy ones too, when some of the youngsters succeeded in achieving their goals after our discussions. Parents need to take initiative to be open and encourage children to have confidence in them to speak whatever is troubling them. Take care


OLD FOX :

You have summed it up very nicely. Parents have a lot of responsibility to shape the child and they should not shy away from that. I am sure that you will do much more better than me as you have a lot of compassion in heart. May God be with you. Take care

Dishita said...

I was just curious. As i told i have nothing against you.

Harman said...

..very educative and informative!
moms need to be careful with girls and keep an eye!

♥ Solitaire ♥ said...

she was lucky that the man wanted to marry her. Nowadays things have drastically changed, glad that she's living happily :)

Jack said...

DISHITA :

I know that but I wanted to clarify that cases are discussed so that others can understand and for proper follow up too. Privacy needs to be guarded. Take care


HARMAN :

Parents need to build confidence in children to share whatever be it. They need to give up attitude of being dictator and be more open and approachable. It is not that an eye needs to be kept on girls but they need to understand and know what children, boys & girls, are upto. Girls do need special care but no curfew. Take care


SOLITAIRE :

That is why I said Think Before You Leap. In the post also I have said that she was lucky but these days every girl is not that lucky. So it is upto girls to decide what do they want. Take care

Humaira Anwar said...

I really appreciate that you highlight hidden things of our society and talk about them. This and a lot more of your topics should be shared. As we are living in the same society ; we cant turn a blind eye and we have to face this whole thing, yet save ourselves from any bad circumstances and later consequences. May god help us and guide us on the right path.

Take Care and thanks for enlightening.

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue said...

As i was reading the post i could imagine a hundred things that could have gone wrong for the girl. It was indeed lucky that the man was decent enough to stand by her and marry her and i am glad they are living happily...

You really need to think a LOT before you leap. There are so many things that can go horribly wrong esp when the person is more or less a stranger to you. But when you are 16 or 18 you are not mature enough to realize the consequences.. Teenagers usually get so caught up in their emotions that they think they are right and that nothing can go wrong. This is where communication with parents comes in. I completely agree with you when you say that parents should be guides than dictators.

Jack said...

HUMAIRA :

As I had seen some of my friends suffer during our growing years and many youngsters later on due to non-availability of proper guidance, I feel it is my moral duty to share what life is about. Girls suffer more so due to gender discrimination. If someone is benefited it will give me immense satisfaction. Take care


TGAFA :

Growing years are full of curiosities and opportunities to explore what is felt as mystery. So as you said unless there is some proper guidance it is very possible for a youngster to do something which may have adverse repercussions. Girls more so as they get carried away with emotions. Parents have this responsibility and in their absence it is some one who has well being of youngsters at heart. Take care

Purba said...

We have to learn to trust our children and make them understand that with freedom comes responsibility.

Jack said...

PURBA :

Right you are but for that first thing is that we develop confidence in them to share their thoughts with us. For that after certain age we got to be more of guide or mentor rather than dictator. Take care

Sach! said...

Lemme share it on FB so some girls can read it. I feel bad for few uneducated people I come across. I don't know who is to be blamed? Is it lack of the right education in school or the wrong attitude in our society or just the parents :|

Being Pramoda... said...

Only educations and the right guidance makes people take good ecisions being humans and that even brings good gesture to the ongoing generations..

thoughtful post uncle..

Jack said...

SACH :

Thanks for making it more accessible to girls. I advocate girls be given same rights as boys but with more care for their safety without putting any restrictions. Let them take own decisions after full application of mind. This is result of combination of lack of proper education, society attitude and parents hesitation of being more approachable. Hope this situation improves. Take care


PRAMODA :

It is not just education but as I said above society as well as parents to need to be more open and give right directions to youngsters. Take care

Jigyasa said...

Very educating.....I hope more & more youngsters get to read this...also such things shall be used as case studies to educate the youth who just indulge in such things without applying mind on the consequences!

Also this has to be told to the parents- to the shying away mothers who fail to understand the urgency of the issue.

Gr8 post Uncle J.

Jack said...

JIGYASA :

Thanks for such supportive views. Parents surely need to understand to be approachable by children to discuss their curiosities. Take care

Shruti said...

Hey there! thanks for stopping by and for leaving lovely comments :)

about the post.. I am glad Geeta got married to him and is happy. When youngsters read/hear advice on relationships and to be careful while deciding what extent they can go, they seem to have understood. but while dealing with it.. they don't think so much. As you rightly said, human emotions are uncontrollable. Some people get lucky and get married to the one they love.. I wish every relationship had a happy ending.

Again.. talking about awareness, I believe mothers (and some times best friends) would be of great help when it comes advising their daughters. There can't be a better person.

Jack said...

SHRUTI :

My intention was to let girls realise that they need to apply their mind fully before going in for physical intimacy. We should not put any embargo. I agree that mother is the best person but in her not being in the picture someone has to offer help. Best friend normally will be of same age, so thinking will not differ much. Take care

Tech Mentro at Noida,India said...

I chanced upon to view your blog and found it very interesting. Great ... Keep it up!
Tech Mentro

Thinking said...

hmm....nice post...

Erratic Thoughts said...

Very thought-provoking...
I'd say she was very lucky...
Fairy tale or not love is blind but you are not!

Jack said...

T M :

Thanks, I will try to. Take care


THINKING :

I am glad you liked it. Take care


E T :

Logic goes out of mind when one is blindly in love. Take care