Thursday, July 7, 2011

FOLLOW UP ON PREVIOUS POST

ITNAA MASROOF NA BANO KI APNO KE LIYE BHI WAQT NAHIN HAI,

JAB APNE HI NAA RAHENGE TO WAQT HONE PE BHI WAQT KISI KAAM KA NAHIN HAI.

( Don’t be that busy that for near & dear ones there is no time, Once they are gone then what is the use of having time )


I am so grateful for valuable views expressed in my previous post. Almost all opined that parents were responsible for what happened. As promised, I am giving my views as to how could that situation have been prevented.

First of all let us see what is the reason for getting married. Is it social obligation? Or is it because of aspirations or wants of those who get married?

If it is former, then parents of both sides look forward to joys of having grandchild. So don’t you think that obligation also needs to be fulfilled? If it is later, then what is it? Sex, well one could have it even without marriage. Companionship, even this is possible without marriage. Do I need to give example of famous publisher of an adult magazine to substantiate this? So then what is it which attracts two for marriage?

In my opinion it is wish to settle down in life with someone where both are willing to take care of needs of each other, emotional as well as physical. This is true even for arranged marriages as one would give consent only if this is in his or her mind. Thus it is logical to assume that they would also be willing to start a family. No amount of words, written or spoken, can ever make one understand joyous emotions or feelings of parenthood unless personally experienced just like orgasm has to be own experience.

When to have a child, own or adopted, is choice of those involved. They both have to be mentally and emotionally prepared to have that bonding member join in. That preparedness also includes ability to provide materialistic needs of the child.

Now coming to the main issue of parenting which seemed to have failed in the case narrated in the previous post. Parents can not shun responsibility of providing the child physical as well as emotional support. I am giving my views on what options parents, both working - which is almost a necessity ( financial or demand of qualification or self satisfaction ) these days - and not staying in joint family, may have to provide that.

Let me first say one proven fact as seen by me that sibling at growing age is a great motivational factor in ensuring one does not stray. So a couple should not be selfish and ensure company for their child keeping in mind that it will also help when they finally depart.

One of them can take a break. In the beginning it should be mother till the child is weaned. Then it can be either who can do so or have flexible working schedule or work from home till the elder child is grown up enough to understand responsibilities. A nanny to assist could be there throughout. I do understand that this may not be possible in most of the cases. So what is the next best option?

With little modification to what Sakshi said have parents ( even one surviving ) of either be with them. In many cases this can be possible as parents of either or both would be at an age when they are retired or may take off from whatever they are into. Keeping their age in mind a nanny can be employed to ensure that they do not have to exert but be there to keep an eye and guide. And parents should ensure that they are there for support and not interfere in anything else. Couple should also give due respect without any consideration as to who’s parents are there.

If that is not possible, then they may explore possibility of some elder relative who is willing and needy for having home, to be with them. However they need to be sure of his or her behaviour and do random checks till they are satisfied. A nanny should also be employed as in case of parents staying with them. If possible let parents of either side visit as often as possible as that will ensure proper care of the child.

What if that too is not possible? Then they need to have a very dependable nanny with due verification. They need to carry out random checks or ask their parents to spend sometime with them off and on so that her involvement can be monitored. They may even take help from some of their relatives or friendly neighbours. You may be aware of a case of Banglore where nanny used to hire out toddler to beggar woman for the day after parents left for work. This came to light when mother came back home unexpectedly as she was unwell.

May I have your suggestions on what I have said.

38 comments:

Oldfox004 said...

i don't have kids yet! but i always believe no matter is bigger than our children. Its high time that as couples become parents, they 'get this drilled' inside their heads.

about your different suggestions, i can't say anything other than 'as a parent, you can't run from ur responsibility' My sister always kept a tab on the nannies, they have been quite a cruel lot...v r living in tough times, Uncle!

Mishi said...

well said jack...thats why they had that "secret cam" on nanny thing in West....of-course you are handing your kid to her and you have every right to have checks on her..

but I will repeat your kid is your biggest and precious most possession and you should try your level best to make things work in his favor...

Felicity said...

this was..quite thought-provoking.

Harman said...

Yaa..I agree...with most of the points!
....I have seen parenting skills ..where each kid in the house is professional and well behaved....
parents as working and non working...too..
no hard n fixed rules...But yes motherhood comes with responsibility and maturity...
It also depends on parents own childhood and environment they come from.
I have seen parents absolutely illiterate But amazing parenting skills...in US,,there is so much to learn..
Rest Internet is the best media to keep in touch with the outside world!

♥ Solitaire ♥ said...

yes, parents shouldn't be selfish, I agree and in my case it wasn't them, they tried hard but it didn't happen and yes I so agree with the fact as to what a sibling does and I am still curious to know how to fill that emptiness in my life. :(
take care

CATGIRL !! said...

Jack : this omments is irrespectiev of ur posts..u hav been coming to my blog at intervals n alwayyys hav teh giant heart n ur preciosu time to read all posts n comment every time. i always thopught u were a young guy, but teh best is u r a a 'young at heart. how do u knwo Urdu? is jack ur real name??
i love ur real life stories. i write on these topics many times but i always thought they were my imagination but i guess u hav seen them in reality. m joining ur blog :-)))

☆ Rià ღ said...

Love the quote...so true!! And i totally agree with ur views Uncle Jack.

Upasna said...

i think this is a tough topic. I think a lot of people are into relationships because of convenience, comfort or an obligation. And I don't blame them. Because there are points where you want to think adhering to norms set by others is an easy way out. But if two people are in the same phase it works. Parenthood however, unless accidental, is definitely something that needs more thinking, because it impacts not just two people who may have compromised on a relationship, but another one in the offing who may have no reason to go through tough times unnecessarily. I think it's a progressive society which starts taking more responsibility on this front!

Dishita said...

I had seen and read a few articles few years ago how few nannies mistreat the children, and so i am still not convinced with the nanny thing.
About grandparents, they are boon to young children, but again i have seen how a growing toddler becomes a pain in the ass of an aged grandparent and their lack of privacy. To top it all, the parents of the children fail to reciprocate the humbleness to their own parents for taking care of their children in their absence. I have witnessed such a shameful event in my distant family.
Family planning needs a serious thought and responsibility. Do not bore kids if you cannot own them.

Oldfox004 said...

:) yeah..the couplet is a wise one.
the problem is that none of us get it really!

suruchi said...

It pretty much sums up what one should do...however, coming back to the previous post and the people involved there....whom do you hold responsible for the child's ruin?????????

I still think certain things are beyond our control...no matter how much we intend and try!

Jack said...

OLD FOX :

As parent one needs to do whatever possible to give proper support for growth of child. There is no shirking this responsibility. Thanks for liking the couplet. Take care


MISHI :

I agree parents need to keep in mind that their child is the most precious possession. Only then they can understand how to be there for the child. Take care


FELICITY :

One definitely needs to apply mind for bringing up children. It should not be a careless attitude. Take care


HARMAN :

You have so rightly pointed out that what they have seen in their childhood affects parenting skills of a couple. Education is no criteria for good parenting skills, though it helps. Take care

Jack said...

SOLITAIRE :

Sibling is a natural and good support. It also depends how parents encourage them to interact with each other. At times it may not be possible and one needs to have cousin or a good friend who can fill that vacuum. Take care


CATGIRL :

Welcome to my space. Hope to see you often. Please do give your valuable views on this and my older posts too. I write under pen name as I do not wish to compromise identity of those about whom I write. I feel satisfied if anyone can gain from my experience. As I am elder, I have some knowledge of Urdu. You write well and bring out maladies which ail our systems. You are welcome to be in touch with me, if you wish to. Take care


RIA :

Thanks for such supportive comment. I am sure you will prove to be a dependable mother. Take care

Jack said...

UPASNA :

I feel you have said this with a lot of thought. I agree with you on " a lot of people are into relationships because of convenience, comfort or an obligation." with just one modification that is instead of or an obligation it could be and an obligation. Also you have rightly said parenthood needs a lot of thinking. It is not an easy job. As far as society is concerned, what exactly will you expect them to do? Take care


DISHITA :

At times to have nanny may be the only option. That is where proper check needs to be kept. Even when grandparents are there, it is advisable to keep maid to assist them. I agree on what you say about ungrateful behaviour of some persons towards aged couple who give them support for bringing up their child. It is also imperative that elder couple should not interfere unnecessarily. A lot of understanding has to be there in such situations. Both sides have to draw limits to be within.
Take care


SURUCHI :

I agree that whatever we do can not be just perfect but we should try to do what is correct in our thinking. In my opinion a child needs proper guidance in growing phase and that can be provided only by parents or grandparents. In this case his mother did not want his parents to be with them because she felt it curbed her independence. Her parents were with her brother. Thus they resorted to nannies but failed to keep check on how things were going on. Take care

Jyoti Mishra said...

u have pointed all the right points...
I'd like to add that parents should also get attached to the kids at emotional level.
and the gap b/w parents and kids should be as minimum as p'ble.

Amrita Tanmay said...

बच्चे परमात्मा के द्वारा दिया गया अमूल्य उपहार है.हमारे जीवन की कड़ी है ,जीने की वजह है .आपका पोस्ट अच्छा लगा .शुभकामना

IRFANUDDIN said...

1st time here so could not read previous post earlier...

the story of the boy in previous post if not so common then not even very surprising to me..it happens, and the reason can be anything from being alone at home bcoz parents don't give him time or it can be the result of wrong company outside the home at school/college or work place....

coming to this post, for me "the institution of marriage began so that a man and a woman, through their Joy, through their Strength and through their act of sharing can become creator of new life .... and the creation of new life is a vital part of any successful marriage life, but it's the responsibility of every parent that they give an environment to their kids where he/she can learn how lead a better life and in that run parents have to sacrifice a lot, i know there are many women who left their job to look after their kids...moreover having atleast two kids is always advisable and a better option in bringing up kids...

and btw ur shayeri at the top sums up every thing....:))

regards,
irfan

Harman said...

@Jack...Wow!
love those couplets!
...God Bless!

Jack said...

JYOTI :

Age gap does matter but it is not a big issue as parents can always try to keep abreast with what changes have taken place since their own time. Take care


AMRITA :

MAIN AAPKE IS SAMARTHAN WALI TIPPNI KA ATYANYANT ABHARI HOON. KRIPYA AAP AATI RAHEIN AUR MUJHE UTSAAHIT KARTI RAHEIN. Take care


IRFANUDDIN :

Welcome to my space. I have been following your comments sometimes on other spaces and noticed that you have very positive approach. Your poem in Harman's space regarding Tweet post was so true and touching. It is pleasure to see you here. What you have said here is worth it absolutely. I will make efforts to visit you a s a p. Take care


HARMAN :

Is it for my older posts too? Thanks a million. Take care

Gayu said...

Hello uncle
I am speechless...i don't know what to say...I am working Mom, and at times i do feel guilty for not being able to spend much time with my daughter.

I guess we need a supporting hand...let it be in any form. When I am not there with my baby, I make it a point that her Dad is there. It's a mutual effort.

So finally m back to blogsworld....
Take care
Gayu

Chakoli said...

Its all how u set ur priortities...
and mutual corporation!

be with ur family, grandmom, nani... or father....

but fr sure not nanny!

Sakshi said...

And, I finally get a chance to comment.

The main reason that two people will get married I agree, is to settle down in life. Also, there is this tiny little issue of the society looking down upon you, if you are in a live in rather than being married.
Also, lets face a major fact, that marriage does give you a lot more security than a live in relationship.

Now, as far as children go- There is should be ABSOLUTELY no pressure from anybody on to the couple. Yes, there are loads of parents & in laws who would pressurize the couple to have a child.
when to have a child and the number of children that a couple has, should be at the sole discretion of the couple.
I will not comment on the rearing of a single child vs having two or maybe more.

I would still reiterate, that having elders at home is a great support for the new parents, but it does get on to the nerve of the couple if the elders start interfering in the lives of the couple. They should realise that, one of the main reason that the couple was staying apart was the interfering factor. *Applicable in cases of nuclear family*

Also by elders I mean- Parents. NOT any random relatives.

Further, as far as the whole nanny thing goes, yes, you have to verify her and be very careful about the who what etc. But, you should always remember, that even the most careful and the most trusted get betrayed. So you have to take care and keep tabs, come what may.

Another thing that should be encouraged is the paternity leave. That ways, the couple gets time to get accustomed to the habits of the kids since the beginning.

Parenting should be an inclusive domain of the couple and not an exclusive domain of the wife. Therefore, a father should also be eager and not just leave it to the mother or take it for granted that "Mom Knows everything".

Also, most of the working couples consciously not have children.

To summarise,all I would say is, that it is very important that even if you have a pressed schedule, that you talk to your child.
Communication is the KEY!

Jack said...

GAYU :

You need not feel guilty as long as you are giving quality time to your child and ensuring that in your absence she gets proper attention & care by someone close. Take care


CHAKOLI :

It is so right that one needs to set priorities correctly. Quality time for child is must. Take care


SAKSHI :

I am so grateful for such in depth comment which supports most of what I have been saying. When and number of children to have is prerogative of the couple and no one should force them. Though there are separations and break up of marriages, still marriage provides more security than live in. I fully agree that elders should keep in mind that they are in supportive role and not interfere unless it is really unavoidable. Yes, parenting is responsibility of both - father and mother. Take care

Ellen said...

I salute parents who practice 'hands-on' policy with their job of parenting. Nothing can ever replace parental care, nurturing, and affection.

Have a blessed day, Jack. :-)

Mishi said...

Good Job jack! :)

Veena said...

amazing thought process behind the post... visited this one for the first time and am fan of your other blog which is written by multiple authors...
Its truly an honor of reading ur blog with so much to offer.

Jack said...

ELLEN :

That is the most important fact of parenthood which some forget at times. Take care


MISHI : Thanks for your support. New post will be in tomorrow. Take care


VEENA :

Welcome to my space. It is my honour to see you here. I have not posted anything new on the other space for a long time. I try to share what I have seen in life so far with a hope that it may help someone which will give me immense happiness. Hope to see you often now. Also please do try to read my older posts, if you wish I will recommend some. Take care

Neeha said...

Jack I read some of your comments, you are so patient man..giving reply to all the comments..I know as a blogger you need to do that.
But these days guess I am loosing the patience..
You are right,Irfan is always positiv in leavng the comments.
Most are your views make us think before we act.

Jack said...

NEEHA :

If you take out time to read what I write and then give your valuable views then it is my moral duty to reply. So I am fulfilling my duty. Irfanuddin gives very positive comments and I am still to visit his space which I hope to do soon. It is appreciating and supportive views of friends like you which motivate me to give more and more.

Take care

Sach! said...

Dear uncle Jack,

I have been coming across this so much. I blame parents and that is not right. I feel you shouldn't talk about it much often. I dislike such people :|

Jack said...

SACH :

I will try to bring out what ails our society as much as I can with my experience. Thanks for support. Take care

Komal Ali said...

Very well said. :-)
You should become a counselor I think.

Shruti said...

Very interesting topic Jack. it has been doing rounds in my mind lately.. U also inspired me to write a post on my blog.

Anyway.. I believe marriages in India are mostly due to social obligations. Which girl would be willing to have a family of her own right after her graduation? I see it happen everywhere and I pity those girls. Marriages are no longer a choice. I am not ready for it yet, but I have to. because my parents want me to. because they think it's time. who sets the time? Society.
People need to think liberally and give freedom to their younger ones to choose when and whom to get marry. They can always check if his/her choice is right but at least let them decide when.

I can go on n on about this but I will chose to stop! sigh

Jack said...

SHRUTI :

I will surely read your post. It will offer me insight of young mind. One should adjust but not be a doormat. Take care

Erratic Thoughts said...

I was thinking...both my parents have been working all their lives...so what was different...
difference was my mom took a four year gap when we twins were born...
and even after that she used to spend most of her free time with us and getting to know our day's schedule,play with us and would share many such small but lovely moments with us...same goes with my dad...
So what I would emphasize, parents should give restricted freedom, it helps big time...

Jack said...

E T,

I appreciate your mother. She did what is the right thing. Do give her the best from your side too. Does your twin also write here?

Take care

Erratic Thoughts said...

Thank You Uncle Jack...
I will convey your regards to her:)
My twin sister does not write, but she reads what I write,I guess...

You have a nice blog here,you amaze me!:)

Jack said...

E T :

Sorry for delay in replying. Thanks for giving me the honour of Uncle. Do convince your twin also to write here.

Take care