Thursday, June 9, 2011

SHOULD ONE DO THIS?

This happened yesterday. On her insisting I had taken our 3 ½ years old granddaughter to DDA Park in the evening around 6:30s as she did not want to play in our housing society play park which is just a little open green patch between two blocks. The DDA Park has a number of play equipment like slides, see-saw or swings etc which she enjoys and wants to go there at times. Even when our daughter’s children visit us, they have this attraction in their agenda. There were a number of children with escorts. It is fun to see them running around enjoying the outing. We crisscrossed a number of them at some point or the other. I saw a boy of about 2 - 3 years a number of times at the same slide or so as our granddaughter. He was escorted by his mother. She was a nice looking young lady of may be mid 20s and mostly busy on her cell phone, though she kept an eye on the boy.

One of the slides is covered giving it look of a tunnel with a little curve in middle. Our granddaughter loves to slide down in that. That boy too seemed to enjoy the same. I was standing a few feet away at the bottom opening of the slide as I could also see the steps when she went to climb again. His mother was standing close by. She was on cell phone and I could not help but hear some of her conversation. Snatches of that showed that she was talking to someone close to her, I thought may be husband. I was suddenly jolted when I overheard her saying “ No , I can not come tomorrow to your place as I have a couple of important meeting in office which I can not give a miss but my husband is going on tour day after, so I can drive to your place from office and spend the night. Then we can be together till after breakfast on Saturday.” After hearing what the other person said, she replied “ No problems, I will leave him at home telling my in laws that I am going out for a party with Rajani ( name changed ) direct from office and as it will get late I will stay at her place. You know she will cover for me.” I had to move off as our little girl suddenly dashed towards merry go round.

Now this set me thinking how can one do such a thing. I am not prude and I believe that each to his or her own. I am not casting any aspersions on her or passing judgments as I do not know the circumstances.

I firmly believe in equality of both genders. In my opinion girls have equal right to live life the way they want to and have fun as they wish to. Both boys and girls have same curiosities and urges. However I advocate that girls need to be little more cautious as they are at receiving end in most cases. A boy driving back late at night on deserted road runs risk of being robbed but a girl has worse risk than that. Boys will get away with a lot while a girl will get blamed even if she is the victim. If a girl has discrete relation before marriage, it is her decision. Only thing is that it should be as per her conscience and due application of mind without wilting under pressure of any kind. She has to be sure that her partner too is equally discrete and not one who would blabber conquests. If she can seek guidance from someone elder whom she trusts and can speak freely with, nothing like it but she needs to keep it close to her chest otherwise, specially post marriage.

I always ask boys who say that they expect their would be wife to be chaste - Do they ever think the same while having relation with a girl who would be someone’s wife in future or would they accept rejection by a girl because of their such past relationships?

However I firmly believe that both partners be loyal after marriage unless there are some extremely rare unavoidable circumstances beyond control. I know there are couples who go for swap parties ( I personally had known of two such couples ) but in this case I feel that as she was going only in her husband’s absence it was likely in all probability that he was unaware of this liaison. Don’t you think this can lead to unhappiness later?

35 comments:

Harman said...

OMG where is the culture going ?...I mean whatever the case might be she can go for divorce rather then all this...its something which cannot be understood by anyone..why women or men do that?? an urge ...no its jus something called one night stands..or adultery..wife swapping is also something like prostitution ..to me..
it gives a creepy feeling to even think about all this...
I had heard all this from somebody ...who came from india ..but its always ..as you said "women's are towards receiving end"
....its a shame on these kind of females.!!

Tongue-fu Lady said...

Jack,

I believe infidelity comes with a price. Sometimes the husband pays it, sometimes the wife and unfortunately, at times the kids get dragged into this. When either of the partner commits adultery he or she is well aware of the consequences. I do not believe in phrases like "unhappiness in the marriage drove him/her to have an affair" or "not aware where the friendship with the other woman/man leading to". these are just lies to cover-up nothing but experimentation. but then who are we to judge??
also we should not have the notion that our "Indian culture" is going haywards because of such situations and more. Adultery also existed, in any culture, even ours. Its just that people are now much more bolder or maybe too impatient to work on their existing failing relationships. Its sad in a way, but who are we to complain if life offers these folks too many options, even though they are wrong??

Komal Ali said...

'I always ask boys who say that they expect their would be wife to be chaste - Do they ever think the same while having relation with a girl who would be someone’s wife in future or would they accept rejection by a girl because of their such past relationships?'

I often ponder over this. Our culture is different for men and women. Sigh.
Thanks so much for your encouraging comments on my blog. :-) They were a source of smile. :-)

A Restless Mind With A Sensitive Heart! said...

Hmm, you've said it all.... i don't know what more to say. Yes partners know the consequences of such liaison and no amount of excuse work for anyone whatever is the gender. But undoubtedly, it's the woman who has to bear the whole brunt, socially speaking. Wish we could change that about our world.

regrds

RESTLESS

Neeha said...

Girls are at receiving end, didn't know which way you meant.
But I am sure we are almost in the receivng end for all the worst cases from the movement a girl is born to the movement she is called by her son to take care of his children.
In addition to this we have some stupid rules n regulations in the name of culture and tradition.
They should be given equality & security too, which means India should develop a lot,no offense intended.I mean it.
I agree with Harman,she should have opted for a divorce.

Noor-ul-ain Hanif said...

awesome post visiting your blog after a long time and its very awesome :)

Chakoli said...

Nowadays its very normal is what I feel.....
dont know the openness of the cutlure is making us strong or weak...!!

Even in my ofc I have seen people having extra martial affair...
reasons unknown....!!

Nice post :)

Alka Gurha said...

A lot depends on the upbringing too.....
At the end of the day one has to pay a price for infedelity....unfortunately the youngsters do it more for physical reasons. girls do end up getting emotionally scarred

Jack said...

HARMAN :

I do not know it is culture or false feeling of being advanced. As I said the circumstances are unknown, so may be she is not in a position to go for divorce. Whatever be, it is not something which is healthy and can lead to unhappiness in future for all concerned and more so for her & child. Take care


T- FL :

You said it rightly that those who indulge in this make a lot of flimsy excuses. It existed in olden times too and it is now more open. As I said each to his or her own but one should be prepared for consequences too. Take care


KOMAL :

That is the sad situation. Same standards are interpreted differently for men and women. Even if it is not so, girls still have to be more cautious as they end up with more trouble than boys. Take care


RESTLESS :

That is the unfortunate part that those who indulge in this do not think of what it may lead to. Also it is girl who suffers more. I do not think even in countries where equality is much more the situation is not much different. Take care

Jack said...

NEEHA :

I had given some example and you too have said yourself as to how girls suffer more. I agree with you that it is not only equality but security too which is must for girls. Please do see my reply to Harman above about divorce.
Take care


NOOR :

Thanks for your visit and encouraging view. Take care


CHAKOLI :

Each one of us has liking for flirtation. Men like to show their virility while women do love to be admired. This leads to little more than flirting and that is where lust takes over. There were such relations in olden days to but now there is increase because of more opportunities of intermingling. All said and done one needs to understand what it leads to. Take care


ALKA :

You are right, upbringing does matter. As I said above it is mainly lust which leads to this and logic goes out of mind. Girls carry this mental scar throughout life. Take care

kavita said...

Whatever may be the reason behind infidelity, It is sad . It's a long and slippery slope, and it only leads down.

Jyoti Mishra said...

Infidelity is pervasive these days with people blindly following western culture.... But I guess right values keeps a person intact throughout his/her life.

Dishita said...

ahh, you reminded me of such lovey-dovey talks people offer at public places under the impression no one knows them. But apparently, someone knows them way better by over hearing their talks. Isn't it? Well, may be. To your question, i would say sometimes what you hear may not be what you meant to hear. Relationship thrives only when people involved in it have mutual respect for each other.

Tulika Verma said...

Jack, I can understand your dismay on overhearing the conversation. The one person I feel sorry for the most in this case is the little boy. Infidelity always leaves behind a shattered family and scarred childhoods.

Thanks for the visit to my blog...Your post reminded me of this story that I had written a few days back: Polymorphism Read it whenever you have time :)

Jack said...

KAVITA :

It is indeed a long slippery slope which only leads to down and down. Take care


JYOTI :

Aping something without applying mind properly is what causes this. This is not a sign of being modern by any standards. Take care


DISHITA :

Welcome to my space. Hope to have your valuable views regularly on my posts, some older ones too. As I have said "I could not help but hear some of her conversation", it was not intentional evesdropping. Only thing which seemed odd was when she spoke about what she was going to tell her in laws and her friend would cover her as well as doing it in her husband's absence. I agree it may not be what I deduced but on the face of what transpired this is most likely. Do I understand that your view about a relationship thriving on mutual respect refers to her relationship with her husband? I have always said that there are 4 basic principles which lead to a healthy relationship - Mutual Respect, Mutual Trust, Giving Space and Two Way Open & Logical Communication. If any of these is lacking then relationship is heading for trouble. There are some more like Sense of Humour, Common Hobbies and Physical Compatibility etc which strengthen it. Take care

Jack said...

TULIKA :

As I typed and posted my reply to Kavita, Jyoti and Dishita, your comment was published.

Welcome to my space. Please do visit often and give your valuable views, even on some older ones if you find time. I navigated to suggested post. I fully agree with you about child having to bear the brunt of broken home as shown so well in your post. Take care

Furree Katt said...

in my opinion if that woman wanted to have a relationship with someone else, then she shouldn't have married her husband in the first place. an extra maritial relationship will definitely not provide long-term happiness.
you're absolutely right in your views of equality. though of course, with the way things are, females do need to be more careful with their actions.

thank you for your nice comments on my blog! :) you have a really interesting blog here. it's great to know that you're a grandfather. i hope you are keeping well. i followed you!

Jack said...

FURREE :

Welcome to my space. Hope to see you often. I agree she should not have married if she was in relationship with someone but we are not aware of circumstances. Your views on a few of my older posts are welcome, some of those are ???????? of Nov 2010, ET? and ET? 2 few posts earlier than this.

Take care

Iqra said...

Visiting after many days and this post is really good. And thanks for the comments on my blog. I'll make my presence more often :)

idiot said...

I hope am not called an idiot this time. Even if I am, I will still go ahead and make my point...

1. I have seen at times parents force upon marriage on girls....two of my such female friends have strayed out of the bonds of marriage now without seeking any divorce...

2. Though am not married, but as per my observation, unless you spend time with each other, people will tend to look out for options and attention.

3. What our society needs is social discipline...we cannot have men and women eating off every plate.

idiot said...

ok! So I am a certified Idiot!!

Lavanya

Divya said...

Well apparently we live in modern times, but really, how modern are we??? Young people are still forced to get married at a certain age to someone their parents like, not letting them choose their own partners.... and not even their own career paths, everything is dependent on what the parents what him/her to do.... what will this lead to??? well, when they finally get financially and technologically independent they will want to explore life, who can blame them?

Who are we to judge anyways?

Maryam said...

I appreciate and like the way you think. Awesome post, with a strong point!
Thanks for visiting me so often. I am sorry. I couldn't pay you much visits but now I guess, I will. :)
Take care!

Jack said...

IQRA :

Thanks for such encouraging comments. It will be my honour to see you here often. Take care


LAVANYA :

It is time that parents rather be a guide than dictator. It is advisable to have open healthy talk than forcing them to accept whatsoever parents say. Knowing a person before marriage is need of the day but certain limits are to be set by them voluntarily. Do try to find out why is google giving you this pet name. More than society, it is self discipline which is call of the day. Take care


DIVYA :

I agree with you that after certain age parents need to let children take own decision. They may give them guidance and show options but let the child decide. Does being modern mean that we can go around having sex with whomsoever we wish to? Or do we be loyal to our partner? I have said that parents should not force a child to get married to one of their choice only but let the child ( including girls )decide. So once married sanctity of this should be honoured. We are no one to judge but we can surely dislike someone who behaves like this. Take care


MARYAM :

Thanks for encouraging comments. Hope to see you here often now. Take care

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

more than unhappiness, it leads to bad karma ... believe me .. you always get back what you do ..

if her husband gets to know, he's gonna be terribly hurt, and she's gonna have to pay for it ...

the reasons why she is doing this can be many ... loneliness, need for comfort , maybe even love ... but it is definitely bound to hit back

we can't judge if it is right or wrong .. but hurting another comes with a price :(

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

damn .. i had written a long comment after reading part 1. its all gone now .. damn blogger

viddhi said...

TRUE and a very thoughtful post.


" A boy driving back late at night on deserted road runs risk of being robbed but a girl has worse risk than that. Boys will get away with a lot while a girl will get blamed even if she is the victim. " -this is something we really need to change.


and about infidelity i believe that it is sinful no matter what the circumstances are, because it is not about the person who is cheated its about the people who are cheated on. they don't deserve to be deceived and punished for no reason..

And yes ,certaibly it would lead to unhappiness later..not just for the spouse but for the little kid as well.


"always ask boys who say that they expect their would be wife to be chaste - Do they ever think the same while having relation with a girl who would be someone’s wife in future or would they accept rejection by a girl because of their such past relationships?"

- TRUE .. i totally agree.

its sad that our society has different rules for girls and boys.

Thinking said...

hmm....It is sad..

I don't kow...what to say...we should have faith and confidence on our significant other that s/he would listen to us and will give us the space.

Basically...I see most couple striving for their own space whole life...

Why not sit together one day and tell the partner that you want that little time of your own too?

When I got married...I tried to give my beloved husband that space where he can visit and even spend two weekend nights with his friends... I know he is loyal...when I lay my trust on him...he became consious of not taking it forgrantted

And so finally now he also understands that I should have such space too...

He sometimes...argue with my in-laws to give me time of my own...

I respect him for that....

But sometimes....unfortunately...our significant other has no sense of value of the relationship...which may creat blunders like the one you talk about Jack....

hmm...I pray for the little boy...

Good Post !

Gayu said...

It's a very serious issue these days. Husband & wife spend more time with office colleagues..and sometimes the lack of some qualities in our better half urges one to such a path.

What both need to understand is everybody is not perfect...there will be flaws...but one needs to look beyond that.

Marriage requires falling in love with the same person....again and again....it needs lot of work from both sides...

Gayu

Jack said...

DEEPA :

You are so right. Whatever be the reason it will lead to unhappiness all around. We are no one to pass judgments as each to his or her own. Has your full comment been posted here? Take care


VIDDHI :

Thank you for supportive views. We need to have equality on ground and not just for saying sake. A lot of awareness needs to be raised for society to realise this. Even if we do reach that situation, girls still run a more risk of being hurt than boys. No matter how educated or advanced we become, there will still be some black sheep who would commit crime against girls for their own selfish pleasure.
Take care


THINKING :

I have already told you about basic principles of healthy relationship. What you mentioned is one of those, Giving Space. And so is discussing with each other - Two way open and logical communication. A couple should positively talk to each other on everything including sex and work out for healthy relations. One has to keep in mind children too. Take care


GAYU :

" Marriage requires falling in love with the same person....again and again....it needs lot of work from both sides..." Absolutely true. One needs to accept partner with whatever flaws are instead of trying to change him or her. Quality time with each other is also a must. Take care

Tanvi said...

If you commit, you need to see it through. Or else take a divorce. SPECIALLY when kids are involved.

♥ from © tanvii.com

Jack said...

TANVI :

I could not have given better advice. Very rightly said. Take care

Aparana Pitale said...

Yes, that will surely lead to unhappiness... This is nothing less than cheating over your partner. Having an affair before marriage is acceptable but after marrigae... Where do the words loyalty, believe, trust go then ???

Jack said...

APARANA :

Girls have equal right to live life as they wish to but little discretion is needed. One should not be promiscuous. After marriage both partners need to ensure mutual trust is maintained. Take care

Veena said...

read so many of your posts and each one has stirred an emotion in me... thanks for sharing...