A couple of days back I got call from a well known young girl in mid 20s asking me if she could meet me. It seemed she was in need to discuss something weighing on her mind. I have a weakness of never shirking to help someone if I can. She came over home and we spent good about 5 hours talking things over. I will share it with you.
She was in relationship earlier which turned sour. She spoke to me about it at a very late stage. Main problem was that she became little too possessive and started monitoring his movements as well as calls. She used to give him missed calls on his landline or his mobile from payphone booth. He got to know and that made him break off. I told her that there are 4 basic principles which make a relationship healthy and these are :
a) Mutual Respect. Not only for each other but for relatives and friends of each other also.
b) Mutual Trust. This includes giving space and not misusing such given space.
c) Two way open and logically communication without losing temper or raising voice. Ego is the foremost cause of making any relationship sour.
d) Willingness to accept other as he or she is without forcing him or her to change but at the same time making efforts to overcome own shortcomings.
Apart from these there are some more factors which help in making relationship stronger such as physical aspect in married couple or those who feel committed, good sense of humour.
Now she is in relationship with another person for the past over a year. She had told me about this about 6 months ago. I had advised her not to repeat her mistakes but at the same time not to go overboard without applying her mind. She had been repeatedly telling me that he is very good and wants to make her happy. She told me that he has been asking her to go outstation for trips. I advised her that this indicates that he is interested in physical side and it is upto her to do what her conscience permits. She categorically denied that there was even a bit of physical contact. I do not believe that as it is just normal way of showing love for each other. She had been telling me that he is serious about her. On my asking if she has met his parents or he has met her parents, the reply was negative. I feel that if one is in relationship for this long and is serious the only way to prove is to introduce girl to his parents and meet her parents.
I seek your views on this.
39 comments:
Hmmmm I think each person has their own view on a relationship, its boundaries and whats right when. So it depends on their morals and ideals and views which will determine what they do.
I agree with you uncle ..it means if you r serious in relationship then one needs to take an appropriate step for future otherwise its jus entrainment or even jus a lust ...
It purely depends on what a person thinks is important and what isn't. Sometimes people tend to not think beyond their present moment ... which doesn't mean is the right outlook, but doesn't mean that the other person has malice either.
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agree with tanvi. I don't think any generalisation works in a relationship...Internally she would know just what is working for him. In fact if there's trust and understanding second guessing is not needed...
I agree about letting the parents know. That way, at least we have a reassurance.
Possessiveness can ruin a relationship though. And girls need to stop being naive. Though, when in love, everything looks beautiful :)
I guess, she she should go with her gut feeling...give it some time and the answers will become clear.
i hav before as well on my blgo pointedly mentioned 'possessiveness' ruining relationship. i might be a typical girl who is neither possessive nor jealous and i m mighty proud of this fact. perhaps coz earlier on in my life i foresighted how both these traits can ruin r.ship.
as far as teh girl's next guy n his insitence on out station meeting is concerned u r VERY RIGHT. it indicates physical contact but she wont know it coz he wud do it very slowly ..not just asking it point blank but going from one leeway to another.so she shud either share every move wid u or totally refuse to guard herself against further heartbreak!
It's up to an individual as to how he or she views a relationship to be. But there is no harm in letting the parents know. Also, there's a tendency to have an exaggerated outlook even towards minor details that ultimately wreaks a relationship.
U r right Uncle Jack. I totally agree with your views.
Well.. it depends and varies from person to person. I personally feel, getting the approval of parents is the stepping stone to making a relationship concrete. For me it is important. But then I know many of my peers who feel, they are not so connected with their parents and feel the need to take things between themselves. So I am a bit ambivalent on this. But you could always ask her, as to what are the pointers that the person is willing to goto the next level.... something he did or said. It might help rather than getting hurt later.
Being in a serious relationship does not automatically mean that you have to include the parents immediately.
And, there is no time limit as to for how long you can be in a serious relationship to include the parents.
There are various factors even a serious relationship that may prevent them to talk about it to their parents.
Sometimes, even in a serious relationship you are not ready to get married as yet.
And whenever it is a love marriage, the moment the parents are involved, they want the marriage to happen ASAP, thanks to the 'What will the society say'.
This is not USA, where the parents are cool with dating. So I feel, it is completely their own call!
Considering all aspects, respecting her feelings, trust n all, there is one way to deal with this going out with bunch of friends. That way it is safe, neither intruding into privacy, will have space and also help at hand,God forbidden, if something goes wrong.
All the points you have mentioned are the key ones. These are the things relationships survive on.. Being possessive, we can't help but controlling is totally our thing. If this girl trusts him so much, she should take her relationship a step further and introduce him to her parents or at least know each other's friends and close family. It helps build a strong bond. About getting physical.. it's totally up to her.
Shruti
Mysugarlesstyle.blogspot.com
I agree ! parents should know if they are serious
I have to agree with Sakshi...once parents come to know about a relationship, they want the children to get married. Sometimes it happens that we love the person...but not yet ready for commitment.
It is totaly their call, especially the girl has to decide what she wants to do, how she wants to go about it.
I agree with u on the points u wrote about a relationship. TRUST is the most important thing...if u don't trust the other person...then how can u love them.
Take care
Gayu
If I go by my experience, the man who married me and loves me to date, had introduced me to his parents over the phone when we both were sure! The ex, he had too but it was more of my own initiative and his mother never really accepted the facts, neither did he cared to explain.
My point is, this may not be the only criteria to judge the strength, honesty, purity of a relationship.
However, keeping the personal experience aside, I would not trust this man either. One can not always be sure!
i don't think they need to meet each others parents just to show how serious they are. there are other ways to show that. i mean..i think it love is a process..sometime you just have to go on with the flow. she just needs to give the relationship time, not force anything and be prepared for the best and the worst. i don't know if that makes sense.
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SONSHU :
You are absolutely right. It is choice of an individual and limits too are to be set by them. However if they are serious for marriage, don't you think that families should be taken into confidence? Take care
HARMAN :
Thanks for supportive view. They are of marriageable age and should decide the next step or succumb to their urges and go ahead with what they feel is acceptable to them. Take care
TANVI :
True. It is upto the person as to make relationship permanent or just be fun buddies. But decide they must at an appropriate time, isn't it? Take care
UPASNA :
As you must have read he has been asking her for going out of town with him, what do you make out of that? Also please do read what I have told Tanvi above. Take care
PHILO :
You are right that when time comes they should let parents know. Hesitation of part of any one indicated that he or she is not serious to move further. Take care
ALKA :
By asking her repeatedly to go on outstation visits with him, he has made his intention quite clear. Do you advise that she should succumb to his overtures and let him have his way with her without any commitment? Take care
CATGIRL :
You have got it right. I have told her to take own decision to get into physical relations as per his demands or ask him point blank to state his intentions for future. Take care
ROSE :
It is true that it is upto individuals to decide what kind of closeness they want. Would you advise her to go out of town with him and let whatsoever happen happen? Take care
RIA :
Thanks for support. Though it is individual's choice but one needs to apply mind properly and decide what and how far to go. Take care
AMRITA :
I agree with you that a time comes after having known each other for some time that one feels he or she is the one. That is when it is advisable to let parents know. Take care
SAKSHI :
I agree with you on two counts, first being that it is individual's call and second that in cases of love parents most of the times do hasten for marriage. But don't you agree that when after going steady for some time it becomes clear to them that they would like to get married they should let parents know? They are both much past teenage and the way he has been making suggestions for physical relations by asking her to come with him on outstation trips without making any commitment, it is upto her to decide what she wants. Take care
A D G :
I wish it was that simple. I doubt if he will agree for outstation visits with a bunch of other persons along. It is time for her to decide what she wants and it is her choice which she has to make applying her mind fully. Take care
SHRUTI :
You have said exactly what I have in mind and also told her. If he is serious about her, they should let parents of each know. To have physical relations is entirely upto her, after commitment or before. Take care
NIKITA :
Nice to see you. You are right, if they are serious let the parents know. Take care
GAYU :
There is no denying that most of the parents,specially of girls, would like them to get married as fast as possible and it is entirely upto individuals who are in love to decide what to do next. Would you advise that she accepts getting into physical relations inspite of her not being keen without commitment? Take care
CHINTAN :
Thanks for sharing you own experience. She does not even know if his parents are aware about their relationship, though she has indicated about him to her parents. He had promised a couple of times that he would come to meet her father but did not keep the promise. He has been asking her many times for outstation visits. That is why I told her it is upto her to decide what she wants. Take care
ASTA :
Nice to see you here. They have known each other for a year & half. He has been indicating his desire to be physical by asking her to go outstation with him but without making any commitment. I have told her it is upto her to decide what she wants. Take care
I have seen the guys wishing to married dont even take months to introduce
And non serious ones take yrs and never tell
Also, it depends on their age ..are they of the marriageable kinds?
going out of station is most often suggesting physical interest....so she should be cautious....
A yr isnt long to tell parents...but does she know his whereabouts, common friends, his friends , ....that also tells...if he is serious...
I doubt he is...if he was....he wouldnt have wanted to go out of station when they have hardly much physical contact....i guess he is interested in that one thing
I think the present guy is interested in sex only. Please advice your friend to use her brain before he ditch her.
Physical relationship is again her call.She has to decide what she wants.
LW :
It is true. If a man is willing for marriage he will surely show interest to meet her parents or introduce her to his parents. She is in mid 20s while he is 30. It does seem he is only keen on physical relations. Take care
ANN :
It appears that way. She called up today again and I have told her to apply her mind fully to take her own decision. Take care
GAYU :
That is exactly what I have told her today when she called up that it is upto her to decide if she would let it be physical relations one. Take care
I completely agree with you. What's wrong in introducing each other with parents? It is a green flag to relationship.
Tough one - depends on how close he is to his parents?
And do all relationships have to necessarily culminate in marriage?
This is a very common problem today with girls, they become over possessive about their boyfriends. I have seen such a case with a very close friend of mine. He broke up with the girl for the same reasons. Even she used to keep a watch on his e-mails, messages and calls.He got so irritated that he had to leave her. Love does not mean owning someone's life.
SHREYA :
True. If they are serious then it is best to introduce each other to respective parents. Take care
PURBA :
One needs to have confidence in parents to speak about such matters but if parents are dictatorial then isn't it better not to go for such relationship where girl may look for marriage? It is upto two involved individuals to have the kind of relationship they want. Take care
APURVA :
You are absolutely right. One needs to have trust and give space. Take care
1. I totally agree, everyone needs space, otherwise u start feeling like a trapped bird in a cage. Trust me its and it'll be even more annoying for boys...
2. I think one should not be too hard on oneself, if u don't feel comfortable about getting physical in a relationship then don't. Bear the pressure because doing something u dont wanna do will only make things worse...
3. It actually depends how long she has been in a relation. If u've been in a long and serious relationship then u should let ur parents know.
P.S U asked me on my blog if I check my mail, well I do in fact quiet often...
You are very right in your guide to a good relationship. But it is important that both partners follow them. Regarding the 2nd relationship, I think your friends should tread with caution. There is nothing wrong in a physical relationship if it is part of an otherwise serious emotional relationship. But unfortunately if one is into a relationship just for the physical bit then it has a very short life span and probably does not even need to be given the status of a "relationship"
ALIZA :
Nice to see you here. If one feels suffocated, the relationship is bound to suffer. To have physical relations is upto those involved and they both have to be comfortable with it. They have been together for almost a year half by now. I sent you an e-card on your birthday which was reported not to have been seen by you, that is why I asked if you check mail.
Take care
MEERA :
These basic principle apply to all involved. It can not be one way traffic. As far as getting intimate physically is concerned, it is upto those involved and they both have to feel comfortable for it. A girl should have as much liberty to decide as boy. Take care
Thank you so much for the comment :) I'm glad you liked my work! :)
PHILO :
You write well so it is natural to say it. Take care
:-) Love this post.
KOMAL :
I am so moved with such loving view. Take care
KOMAL :
I am so moved with such loving view. Take care
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