WHAT TO CALL SUCH PERSONS?

Some time ago I had written a post on annoying driving ways of some persons whom I called Educated Illiterates. Recently I came across some more which I wish to bring to your knowledge.

Stopping vehicles blocking zebra crossing fully on the traffic light making those on foot to walk zig zag to cross road when it is their turn to do so.

Parking vehicles on footpath blocking way for pedestrians.

What should we call such persons? Educated illiterates seems to be a very mild term.

PS : This is my first post from laptop bought for me by our son.

IS IT LIKELY?

“ Elderly couple - Well educated, self reliant with own conveyance and with no major medical problem, available for grandparental care of your little ones. Need accommodation and proper respect. Will accept assignment only after mutual satisfaction. Call 0000000000”

Do you think such advertisements will appear anytime in near future?

THINK BEFORE YOU LEAP

“ I am in final year of graduation. I have been good in studies and extra curricular activities. I am NCC cadet and I participate in dramas, debates and dances etc from school days onwards. I am living with my parents, two elder brothers and a younger sister in a huge HAVELI type house in the outskirts of town. My father has whole sale business in old city. He and brothers leave around 8 am for that place. My sister is in 10^th and her school is on the other side of city. Our house has a number of independent rooms adjoining main entrance which are for letting out. About a year ago a young man working in some government office had taken one of the rooms. Our house is quite isolated with a lot of other building under construction a little distance away. I have to walk about half a mile to get rickshaw to go to college. At times some of my friends meet me while I am looking for rickshaw. One day as I was waiting for rickshaw, he passed by on scooter. He stopped and asked me if he could drop me at college as his office is close to my college. I at first hesitated but seeing that I was getting late I accepted. As roads in our localities are in bad shape, I had to hold him lest I fall. He left me at college gate. Next day as I was walking towards the main road, he came by and offered me lift. Our house is not visible from that place due to construction work going on. I agreed. While dropping me at college gate he told me that he goes at the same time so if I do not mind he can drop me everyday. As it is not easy to get rickshaw many a times, I agreed. A few days later he asked me if I was in hurry to reach college. On my saying no, he asked if we could stop to have a cup of tea. I agreed. There is a small restaurant near our college. We stopped there. I told him I do not take tea at this time. So he offered me cold drink and snacks. There he told me that his office job involves field work and if I agree and tell him in the morning when I will be free from college he can plan it accordingly to drop me back home also. As he had been very decent and helpful and also reluctance of rickshaw pullers to go to our locality, I accepted this as God sent blessing. So we started this routine and at times had cold drinks at that restaurant. About two weeks later it was my birthday. I had told him that. In the morning he gave me a very good card and roses. Later while returning from college, he picked up some cold drinks and snacks of my liking. When we reached home, he asked me to join him in his room to celebrate my birthday. It was quite hot and the place was deserted with few labourers working. I agreed as no one could see us. When we were in the room, he put on birthday songs on his cassette player. He hugged me wishing happy birthday again. Though reluctant at first, I liked this and let him hold me close. He suddenly kissed me on cheeks. I was shocked but pleasantly surprised too. As I did not make any attempt to move out of his embrace, he held me more tightly. This sent shivers down my spine and I started pushing him away. He held on and told me not to worry as he will not harm me because he loves me. I felt as if it was a fairy tale and just stayed there. On his asking if I also love him, I just nodded blushingly. He kissed me on lips making me feel weak in knees. He however stopped on my saying so. I gathered up my things and left soon after I finished my cold drink. Later throughout that day I kept feeling funny sensation. Next day he told me he was sorry for what happened but I told him it was ok. We started spending some time in the room two or three times a week depending on how early I reached home. After few such meetings while kissing he started feeling me up there and I half heartedly asked him not to do so. I felt very shy when he removed my upper clothing first time making feeble efforts to stop him. This went on and we started feeling each other and little more than that. One day when I was very aroused and beyond caring, he made me lie on the bed and made love. I felt guilty and cried after that but he consoled me saying not to worry as he would marry me. We then started doing it as and when we could. Now that I am going to complete graduation, my parents have started looking for match. I am scared as my state will be known to my future husband and also I want to marry him only. He also wants to but is scared to talk to my parents as well as his.”

This is what Geeta told me. I have translated it from vernacular and censored it a little to suit publishing it here. This happened more than 25 years ago and in a town of medium size where I was based those days. A cousin of mine who is ages younger to me, she was barely 2 years old when I got married, asked me to help her college mate who was elder and senior. I was little reluctant as this was something like family affair. But she persisted as that friend’s family instead of doing anything to help her would fly into rage if they came to know what had happened and that girl was in suicide mode. So I had agreed.

I met her. She was about 20 years old. She was not willing to talk in our first meeting so I had to meet her few more times before she opened up but a lot of coaxing with leading questions / suggestions was required. We used to meet in my office and my cousin used to sit outside the glass partition to enable her friend to speak to me in confidence.

On hearing what she told, first thing which came in my mind was how come she let herself into such situation but on second thoughts she too is human and had let her emotions set off by curiosities take over. I knew his boss due to nature of my work. So I discussed it with him. Later we could convince parents of both sides to agree for their marriage saying that they are deeply in love. We did not disclose anything more. Of course our respective positions were of great advantage. Years later I learnt from my cousin that they are living happily.

My purpose of telling this is that as there is more intermingling now during college or even school and thereafter in work place leading to more chances of relationships developing. Banning mobiles or jeans may be hurdles but can not curb it in totality. Jeans were not so common those days and there were no mobiles and this was an incident in medium sized town more than two decades ago, in present times in big towns or metros such chances are even more. As it presently goes in our society, boys will get away with any kind of indiscretion but it is girls who are left holding the baby. In this instant the boy was willing to marry but now a days it is not so many a times. Based on my numerous talks with youngsters as well as some grown up persons of both genders I can say that majority of boys are keen on physicality after sometime in a relationship while girls like attention and live in fairy tale dreams looking for commitments. While they may like cuddling but for physical relations, it is upto girls to decide how far they want to go. Whatever decision they take has to be after full application of mind and as dictated by own conscience. If they can control their urges and do not want to go all the way then limits have to be set. Both partners, girls more so, need to ensure that situation never arises where chances of exceeding limits are high. Whatever be it, discretion is must and she should see that partner is not a blabber mouth. This is where I think role of parents is of utmost importance. As children grow up parents need to understand their aspirations and make communication easy to ensure that children gain confidence in them to share their thoughts. They should be more of guides than dictators. If that situation is not there then I suggest that girls may seek advice of someone elderly whom they can talk to freely.

FOLLOW UP ON PREVIOUS POST

ITNAA MASROOF NA BANO KI APNO KE LIYE BHI WAQT NAHIN HAI,

JAB APNE HI NAA RAHENGE TO WAQT HONE PE BHI WAQT KISI KAAM KA NAHIN HAI.

( Don’t be that busy that for near & dear ones there is no time, Once they are gone then what is the use of having time )

I am so grateful for valuable views expressed in my previous post. Almost all opined that parents were responsible for what happened. As promised, I am giving my views as to how could that situation have been prevented.

First of all let us see what is the reason for getting married. Is it social obligation? Or is it because of aspirations or wants of those who get married?

If it is former, then parents of both sides look forward to joys of having grandchild. So don’t you think that obligation also needs to be fulfilled? If it is later, then what is it? Sex, well one could have it even without marriage. Companionship, even this is possible without marriage. Do I need to give example of famous publisher of an adult magazine to substantiate this? So then what is it which attracts two for marriage?

In my opinion it is wish to settle down in life with someone where both are willing to take care of needs of each other, emotional as well as physical. This is true even for arranged marriages as one would give consent only if this is in his or her mind. Thus it is logical to assume that they would also be willing to start a family. No amount of words, written or spoken, can ever make one understand joyous emotions or feelings of parenthood unless personally experienced just like orgasm has to be own experience.

When to have a child, own or adopted, is choice of those involved. They both have to be mentally and emotionally prepared to have that bonding member join in. That preparedness also includes ability to provide materialistic needs of the child.

Now coming to the main issue of parenting which seemed to have failed in the case narrated in the previous post. Parents can not shun responsibility of providing the child physical as well as emotional support. I am giving my views on what options parents, both working - which is almost a necessity ( financial or demand of qualification or self satisfaction ) these days - and not staying in joint family, may have to provide that.

Let me first say one proven fact as seen by me that sibling at growing age is a great motivational factor in ensuring one does not stray. So a couple should not be selfish and ensure company for their child keeping in mind that it will also help when they finally depart.

One of them can take a break. In the beginning it should be mother till the child is weaned. Then it can be either who can do so or have flexible working schedule or work from home till the elder child is grown up enough to understand responsibilities. A nanny to assist could be there throughout. I do understand that this may not be possible in most of the cases. So what is the next best option?

With little modification to what Sakshi said have parents ( even one surviving ) of either be with them. In many cases this can be possible as parents of either or both would be at an age when they are retired or may take off from whatever they are into. Keeping their age in mind a nanny can be employed to ensure that they do not have to exert but be there to keep an eye and guide. And parents should ensure that they are there for support and not interfere in anything else. Couple should also give due respect without any consideration as to who’s parents are there.

If that is not possible, then they may explore possibility of some elder relative who is willing and needy for having home, to be with them. However they need to be sure of his or her behaviour and do random checks till they are satisfied. A nanny should also be employed as in case of parents staying with them. If possible let parents of either side visit as often as possible as that will ensure proper care of the child.

What if that too is not possible? Then they need to have a very dependable nanny with due verification. They need to carry out random checks or ask their parents to spend sometime with them off and on so that her involvement can be monitored. They may even take help from some of their relatives or friendly neighbours. You may be aware of a case of Banglore where nanny used to hire out toddler to beggar woman for the day after parents left for work. This came to light when mother came back home unexpectedly as she was unwell.

May I have your suggestions on what I have said.

COULD THIS NOT BE PREVENTED?

Rakesh, called Rocky by his friends, is the only child of his parents. His father is in a high position in a MNC while his mother too is so in a reputed company. When he was born they both were struggling to make their mark and were more in office than home. He was taken care of by nannies from his infancy. He was just a year old when he was put in a day care centre and by the time he crossed 2 years he was in play school cum day care centre. When he went to regular school, they had kept a maid to be with him till either of them came back from office. By the time he was in teens he had a key to the apartment to let himself in and he used to be home at his own except that maid used to come at the time of his return to make his lunch. He had all facilities which could be given by his parents. He was quite popular in his friend’s circles as he had enough money to spend apart from being a young tall handsome lad. Many a times his friends both boys and girls used to accompany him on his return from school and stay over for lunch. He started smoking at an early age due to peer pressure.

He was in 10^th when he got interested in girls as per normal curiosity. It was some time toward end of the session that he had come back with a girl and as maid left after lunch, they started mooching around which lead from one thing to another till they found themselves in bed making out. His mother was surprised to see bedcovers washed and hung to dry. He told her that he had spilled milk and thought to wash before stains get permanent. Thereafter it was something like a new toy for a child. They used to be together often and repeat the act. From there on he started looking for other girls. By the time he got to college he had a string of girls with whom he was physically active. However he did not let this affect his studies or sports in which he was good. That as a matter of fact was a point of attraction for girls to befriend him.

After graduation he started working with a BPO which involved night shifts. He used to be asleep when his parents went for work and he used to let himself in with his keys on return as his parents used to be asleep. Only time which he spent with them was week ends and even then either they had some commitment or he went out with friend. He completed MBA in marketing by distant learning. During this period at times he used to bring some girl colleague and sneak her in without the knowledge of his parents. When they left in the mornings he used to be asleep with room bolted from inside. One such girl introduced him to drugs. He slowly got addicted to it. There were a few occasions when no girl was available he brought some call girl contacted through so many advertisements offering same in round about way. He even had got STD but fortunately went to doctor in time and got cured. Though he was careful not to let this interfere with his work where he had proved to be good but finally all this took toll. He started deteriorating and landed up in de-addiction centre.

That is where I met him and heard all this from him. I am associated with a NGO which works for helping those who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. As he was not saying anything about his past, I was asked if I could meet him to see if he confides in me. He is a young man of just about 24 but looks close to 40.

I feel so sad at this young life having gone this way, almost wasted though there is still little hope of reclaiming him. I have my views on how this could have been avoided but am not writing that presently as I would like you all to share what could have prevented this. Please do share what you feel could have helped.