Sunday, March 28, 2010

WHAT MAKES MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP HAPPY & HEALTHY?

I REQUEST YOU ALL TO READ "SCARED HEARTS" A POEM WRITTEN BY 14 YEARS OLD GIRL IN HER SPACE - staryeyedandscreeming. And my comments too before you leave your views. THANKS A LOT.


I am overwhelmed that two young intelligent persons here wrote a post each as an offtake on my previous post - Ambition Vs Sense of Propriety. I visited them. I am inspired by their posts as well as your views in my post. I will first give gist of what they had written.

Shayon ( http://www.shayonpal.com/ ) in his post “ Aren’t You Jealous” raised questions about difference between being possessive and being jealous, love for many things and not wanting to share love for somethings you “book” for yourself as bike, computer, spouse or parents. He opined that it is better if we share love and also talked of change needed for established norms, citing example of SATTI PRATHA against which Raja Ram Mohan Roy had successfully campaigned.

The Bald Guy ( desigheeandcoffee. blogspot.com ) in his post “ Sex With The Boss” had emphasized that irrespective of being single or married sleeping with boss is undesirable as it would lead to complications later ( I fully concur him on this issue ), he opined that Neena may be upset as she may not have enjoyed sex with boss for various reasons he listed ( which I would like you all to read in original ), as per him good sex leaves no remorse, he compared sex to bribery. He also said that we all at times have done something or the other making us put ethics on back seat to advance our careers. He suggested society as being hypocritical.

Anon while commenting in Shayon’s post had mentioned that “physical infidelity can still be overlooked but emotional infidelity can not be pardoned.” Or words to that effect.

I am going to put across my views on the issues raised by them and what I believe is needed to keep sanctity of marriage or a relationship. What I had narrated in my previous post was an incident which took place in Neena’s life and situation faced by her is not uncommon.

Love is of many hues. As infant we without being conscious, love our mother as she feeds us. A crying infant on being picked up by mother calms down as he or she instinctively knows that hands are of the one he or she loves. As we grow we start loving our father, siblings, relatives, friends, home, school / college, teachers, town, country, vocation ( some may contradict me on this ), pets and worldly possessions. This is the love if shared in appropriate manner can increase our happiness manifold.

Then comes someone in our life whom we initially start liking as friend but as time passes we feel more attached to that person. We start behaving in a manner which is not explainable. We start pining for his or her company, look for ways to be together and all in all feel incomplete without that person. This is my friends what we understand when someone says LOVE. I do not feel that there is anything as Love at First Sight which happens in Mills & Boon only. Initially it is attraction, mainly due to physical appearance of that person. As we interact that gets strengthened with his or her conduct. That leads to stage of RELATIONSHIP. There will be certain amount of physicality which would be as per their own decisions. Now some are lucky to have support of their families and get married. Some have arranged marriage with someone whom they may or may not meet before marriage depending upon customs of the community.

Anjuli ( maybeiamaddicted ) in her post “ Are Movies Reflection of Life ” had very aptly told that TRUE LOVE is when a person does not desire the partner to be his or her but wishes self to be his or her. Thus there is distinct difference between LUST and LOVE.

I am going to talk about sense of propriety in such Relationship and Marriage.

In any relationship there are few fundamental factors which make that relationship HEALTHY, more so in case of LOVE RELATIONSHIP and MARRIAGE. Major ones are MUTUAL RESPECT FOR PARTNER AS HE OR SHE IS, MUTUAL TRUST, GIVING SPACE and OPEN FRANK TWO WAY COMMUNICATION. For this we have to see that we do not let ego be vamp in our respect by belittling or pulling other down , betray trust by going for another relationships ( emotional or physical ) simultaneously , misuse space by having other relations ( physical ) and telling lies, be emotional or overbearing instead of logical while communicating. Then come other factors not less by any means - Respect and Acceptance of other’s family and friends, Sense of Humour including ability to laugh at ownself, Understanding other’s strengths or weaknesses and Supporting that AND LAST But not the LEAST PHYSICAL RELATIONS. These are time tested and found to lead to happiness of those involved. We may term them as traditions.


Now I pose following questions to all :

a) Do you feel that these factors leading to HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP are redundant and need change?
b) Would you share same love as between you and your partner / spouse with others?
c) Would you overlook physical infidelity not involving emotional attachment of your partner or spouse?
d) Would you let your partner or spouse have one night stands with anyone he or she feels lust for as there is no emotional aspect attached?
e) Would you let your partner or spouse have sex for advancing his or her career?
f) Is it not advisable to keep a single incident involving breach of trust or misuse of space buried if it is done under coercion and regretted immediately, to save the marriage or relationship provided there is no repetition of such act?

I request for honest views.

20 comments:

Shayon said...

You are forcing me to think a bit too much, old man :-) Anyway, let's get onto it...

Firstly, allow me to thank you for coming up with a follow up post, and also mentioning me in the same. Makes me feel like being immortalized :-)

There is something you wrote, in your post, that made me cry, laugh, call up that special someone, bang on my poor laptop, basically react with a very mixed feeling. That phrase was,
"TRUE LOVE is when a person does not desire the partner to be his or her but wishes self to be his or her. Thus there is distinct difference between LUST and LOVE."

I do not think I could not have agreed with you (and Anjuli) any more.

Now, let me get on to replying to the questions you have put up.

Q. Do you feel that these factors leading to HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP are redundant and need change?
A. Personally, I believe that the "factors" that you have put up need no change at all. The only change that I had spoken of was the inability to share you romantic love with others. Let's look at it this way. If we can fall in love with two people at the same time, that is actually sharing your romantic love with someone else. So, if we say this is possible, then why isn't letting your spouse love someone else isn't possible? And that was why I had come up with the notion of "reserving" someone for yourself. Doesn't that sound very selfish? I might be wrong, but kindly enlighten me. I am always open to reason.

Q. Would you share same love as between you and your partner / spouse with others??
A. While I would never wish such a situation arises, but yes, I know it is possible. Had that not been the case, there would not have been no break ups, no divorces. But yeah, when I realize I have fallen for someone, at least out of my respect towards my partner and towards my relationship, I shall confide, and figure out the next route to take.

Q. Would you let your partner or spouse have one night stands with anyone he or she feels lust for as there is no emotional aspect attached?
A. I shall not subscribe to the idea for sure. But yes, if my partner feels that it was just an act of immediate passion and does regret it, I am ready to take her back. I know she might repeat it again. But I find it wrongful if I can not forgive a mistake and not give the person another chance to live a healthy life. This is the minimum I can do for the one I love and care for.

But yes, in case my partner does not feel repentant of her behavior, I guess it shall be time for me to move on.

Q. Would you let your partner or spouse have sex for advancing his or her career?
A. When do I get to know about it? Before the act, or after the act? If it's before, then definitely never!

Q. Is it not advisable to keep a single incident involving breach of trust or misuse of space buried if it is done under coercion and regretted immediately, to save the marriage or relationship provided there is no repetition of such act?
A. Yes, of course! But, how do you provide the fact that "there is no repetition of such act"? And hence my belief that it is always best to be truthful, even if not faithful.

There are a lot more questions I would have asked myself. But somehow, can't make my mind work. Have written a lot today. So maybe, shall come up with them after some follow up comments.

Sakshi said...

Ohkay, I think, I have read almost sooooooooooooooo many thoughts on this particular topic, that I have become confused, and will take time to really think and comment about it.
So No comment.

♫♪♥W!nK♥♪♫ said...

Hi Uncle
How have you been? My exams were going on, and so I was away!
I'm glad you liked my poems :) Your comments mean a lot to me. It inspires me a lot!
Thanks :)
Take Care!

Americanising Desi said...

a) Do you feel that these factors leading to HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP are redundant and need change?

I think what makes a relationship or marriage healthy and happy is only trust - I dont have any other way to define it

b) Would you share same love as between you and your partner / spouse with others?

HUH NO

c) Would you overlook physical infidelity not involving emotional attachment of your partner or spouse?

HELL NO that is unethical and a serious lie

d) Would you let your partner or spouse have one night stands with anyone he or she feels lust for as there is no emotional aspect attached?

Oh Please- 21st century hasnt altered my thought process or beliefs!

e) Would you let your partner or spouse have sex for advancing his or her career?

hahahahaha, Uncle Jack really you know me better :)

f) Is it not advisable to keep a single incident involving breach of trust or misuse of space buried if it is done under coercion and regretted immediately, to save the marriage or relationship provided there is no repetition of such act?

Sure, if regretted then it sure should be buried and never thought about ever!

Zazu Ta said...

Hi Uncle,
Ive added you!! :) Will go thru your posts in more detail after we shift .

sulagna ™ said...

Hi Jack uncle...i completely agree with americanising desi on this one..21st century has not changed my ethics at all :)

Di said...

a) no change whatsover

b) no i wouldn't share. how will my 'love' be special then? it wont be "love", it will just be friendship

c) infidelity of any kind cannot be overlooked by me or by my partner. both are equally painful,
trust is broken in both. and trust is the most important thing for me.

d) that kind of mentality is sick. i dont understand how people allow their partners to go out n have sex! and even...swap partners. disgusting!!

e) never, i'd rather he remain unsuccessful, work harder and earn the success.. not sell himself for it..

f) no comments.. cant say it until one is in such a situation himself/herself. its easier for
outsiders to say "yeah its better to bury the issue and save the marriage".

Being Pramoda... said...

Hi Uncle, finally i'm here ready with my answeres...:)

but bfore telling u anything here, i'm sure u dont mind if i tell u my answers thru a mail. Thanks in advance.

I really appreciate the effort you take in explaining the importance of relationships in human lives.. Grt heart u have, keep it up.

♫♪♥W!nK♥♪♫ said...

Thanks a lot! :) I'm so happy you liked my poem!!

Chandrika Shubham said...

Love at first sight happens only in Mills and Bones.

rohini said...

hello sir,,, sry couldnt provide my views on any of ur posts in all these days..coz of net prob...and moreover ,,, wat views u need sir...u r so much experienced and knowledagble...
this time i would only like to ans ur question which is the title itself...the effortless efforts...make any relationship happy and healthy...
watver done for others..should not be shown as if u have done smthing extraordinary...just keep it nice and simple...and flow with the wave,,,be with the person in low and high tide bth..but never count ur sacrifices etc...
i hope you have understood wat i have said...thnx...:-)

baki answers baad mein...:-) (little hurry mein hu..thnx)

Jack said...

DEAR ALL :

I am sorry I have not yet responded to your views here. I am having little problem with my PC, it has been done up but behaves in very unpredictable manner. I will be back with my replies as soon as it is fully rectified.

Kindly bear with me till then.

Take care

PS : This is NOT an APRIL FOOL message.

BROKEN STAR said...

I am not married yet so will only comment about the relationship part.....i believe the most important thing is understanding that comes through communicating:
Now nswers to ur questns:
A) FACTORS R FINE 4 ME
B) I CAN'T: I have even thought about it but its impossible for me...nd I think if sum1 can thn dats not love.
C)NEVER
D)NEVER
E)WHATEVER IT IS TRUTH SHOULD PREVAIL.

preeti said...

a) Do you feel that these factors leading to HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP are redundant and need change?

So long as the bond is strong, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP norms are never defined. It depends on how you relate to your better half.

b) Would you share same love as between you and your partner / spouse with others?

I should love MYSELF equal to my partner. Its a circle. You love yourself. YOu hate to hurt yourself. You dont get anggry on yourself. then see how the magic works.


c) Would you overlook physical infidelity not involving emotional attachment of your partner or spouse?

sometimes in the race of lust and love, lust wins. So you can never ever say sex was out of love only always.

d) Would you let your partner or spouse have one night stands with anyone he or she feels lust for as there is no emotional aspect attached?

No. Its a breach of my faith and trust.

e) Would you let your partner or spouse have sex for advancing his or her career?

I am a typical indian girl with typical indian thoughts :)

f) Is it not advisable to keep a single incident involving breach of trust or misuse of space buried if it is done under coercion and regretted immediately, to save the marriage or relationship provided there is no repetition of such act?

Personally, I can never find peace if I dont sink into my soul mate. I feel i need to tell imeediately. Then only I will feel complete and guilt-free. Else that element of guilt shall certainly prop up, sometime or other.

Hope its ok to be so frank Jack. Have a nice day.

rohini said...

sir, waiting,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

geeta said...

Dear Jack,
Due to some busy schedules I am unable to catch up with your posts..I have to read three of them...
will come back in a day or two to read them and share my views...

Thanks a lot for your precious time on my blog inspite of my irregularity..

ritika said...

UNCLE,Your are too good while writing.. you must be the best paper presenter in ur days of college..

my answers to all the questions u posed is "no", and thanks for sparing time to read my tiny articles.. and commenting on it too.. i ll write regularly..

u put in soo many views, wow.. N ya, there is a hell lot of difference btwn love and lust..

keep blogging.. :)) cheers..

♪♪HARINI♪♪ said...

Hehe uncle, I'm back here after a long time and i read all that I'd missed out on. Funny, I just got into a relationship and i read all this.
"TRUE LOVE is when a person does not desire the partner to be his or her but wishes self to be his or her."
I couldn't agree more with that. My guy asked me why i hadn't been possessive of him in the past when i loved him. i told him it didn't matter to me and that i wanted him to be possessive of me. thats what mattered. :P
Now i know what that really meant.


As for Neena hiding the fact from her husband, I always imagined myself in a fairytale where i'd tell my husband everything and he'd believe me without losing his trust even once. You'd mentioned that her husband had said he'd loved her and wanted to know why she did this to him. if he really loved her, how could he not trust her?
i guess in life we need to be a lot more practical . :P or maybe i just need to grow up.

Jack said...

SHAYON :

If you do not put your brains at work will it not get rusted, my dear Youngster?

I too totally subscribe to what Anjuli had written. Now to your answers. When we talk of romantic love, be assured it will involve certain amount of physicality also. So if you can share your romantic love in the same way with two people then are we not going in for polygamy? Then why only two, we could love many many more and let our partner also do the same. I am not in favour of this. Sleeping with boss for furthering career is just NO NO as it will then lead to much more at later stage like boss offering her to his friends or clients. Take care


SAKSHI :

I hope your mind is now cleared of all confusions and you are in a position to give your valuable views. Take care


JUHI :

You are welcome. I have read the next one too and request you to keep writing more and more. Take care


A D :

It is so nice of you to find time to give your views in depth. By now, I think I do understand your way of thinking. Trust is as I have said one of the major factors for happy relationships. I hope and pray that you find your happiness the way you want it soon. May God be kind. Take care


ZAZU TA :

Looking forwarded to your views. Please do let me know when you shift. Take care


SULAGNA :

No matter how much we advance, certain values need to be maintained. Take care


DI :

I feel so honoured that you gave your views in depth. You may talk or write very frankly but you know how to keep values intact. May God bless you. Take care


PRAMODA :

Waiting for your answers. Thanks for your appreciation. I will be really so happy if someone benefits out of my sharing experiences. Take care


CHANDRIKA :

Don’t you agree? Take care


ROHINI :

It is true that one should not count or talk about any sacrifices made in a relationship as these go without saying. One needs to reciprocate without being asked. Baki answers ki intezaar mein. And I am also waiting for your mail. Take care


B S :

I agree truth should prevail but at times one may have to resort to white lie to save a relationship. Do read Mr Know All, a short story by Somerset Maughm, Take care


PREETI :

I feel so honoured that you found time to give your views in depth and very frank too. I agree that one need not define norms but I tried to put across what makes a marriage or relationship healthy. Lust, one should try to control if in committed relationship as it is betrayal as one would not accept from partner falling prey to lust. I agree there should be no secrets between husband and wife but under some circumstances it may be advisable to keep mum. Take care


GEETA :

Looking forward to your detailed views. You write well and it is a pleasure to read that. Keep writing. Take care


RITIKA :

Welcome to my space. I never went to college as I joined NDA soon after schooling. It will make me feel very satisfied if someone is benefited out of my sharing experiences. Hope you are regular in writing now. Please keep visiting too. Take care


HARINI :

It is pleasure to see you here. I hope you and your partner have a very happy, healthy and fruitful future. May God bless you both. At times one may have to resort to white lie or keep mum to save relationship but it should not become a habit. Take care

geeta said...

I completely agree with AD that 21 st century or modernisation hasn't changes my ethics.Every relationship has its limitations and demands and until and unless you follow them(they are not defined rules)your life is not worthwhile.

I agree with Rohini as well...