Thursday, May 7, 2009

Follow up on LOVE ??????

I had put my post LOVE?????? in o3.indiatimes.com too. A young lady had commented which alongwith my reply I am placing it here for your views.


HER COMMENT

Hi Uncle, Just read your BLOG.. I want to share once more incidence, which I read in some article. There is a girl involved with a boy since last 5 years. Initially, it was a plain friendship, but gradually they got into a relationship.. She loved him very deeply, but the boy had initially cleared her that he won't be able to convince anyone in his family for their marriage. She knew it, but still went into a physical relationship with that boy. The boy told her that he loved her too but due to some reasons he could not convince his parents. Later on, boy's family searched a match for him. At that point of time also, she tried to save the relationship so that it can get converted into marriage.. She cried, yelled & did every thing to save the relationship, But sadly, the boy got married.. She was outbroken with this, knowingly unknowingly she knew that it is not only the fault of boy.. but still she couldn't recover from it. & see the other side of the story, the boy still says that she will be having the same place in his life, what she had before his marriage.. He has also told her that they will not get into any physical relationship, because he respects her body and soul.. & he has kept his promise as of now.. The girl is still in love with that boy, & is very much heartbroken.. the boy doesn't let her go away from him, as he feels that she will die thinking the same thing again & again.. atleast he would be there to support her & to come out of this situation.. What is your opinion about this whole situation??


MY REPLY

Before saying anything on this I will make a general statement. Two persons get attracted to each other, become friends over a time they gradually fall in love. Over a period there is certain amount of physicality due to feeling of closeness and sharing of innermost thoughts. It starts with holding hands to hugging, peck on the cheek and it goes on further gradually with it being an individual choice to go all the way or not by consent based on intense feelings of love and mutual confidence. It is just normal. Physical needs are common between boys and girls. It can not be termed as right or wrong. Only hitch being that mostly it is the girl who is left broken hearted in the event of break up as she has given everything in the relationship. Now coming to what you said. The boy had told the girl right from beginning that there is no future as he would not be able to make his parents agree to their marriage. But as they were in deep love and she thought time may change situation so she willingly consented for whatever way the relationship progressed. Boy instead of exercising restraint gave in to his physical urges and went ahead with physicality while the girl loving him whole heartedly and living with hope that his parents may change their stance consented to go ahead with deeper relationship .

Now that he is married it is not ethical on his part to show love to the girl stating that there will be no physical relations but who can assure that they may not resume such relaitons in future. By doing this he is spoiling her future life for his selfishness. It could also be a case of boy ensuring fulfilment of his needs on rainy days. Girl on her part should realise that there is nothing tangible in such relationship unless she is hoping to break up the marriage. She should keep fond memories and move on. All contacts have to be severed immediately. She may go for counseling from someone she trusts. Before saying anything on this I will make a general statement. Two persons get attracted to each other, become friends over a time they gradually fall in love. Over a period there is certain amount of physicality due to feeling of closeness and sharing of innermost thoughts. It starts with holding hands to hugging, peck on the cheek and it goes on further gradually with it being an individual choice to go all the way or not by consent based on intense feelings of love and mutual confidence. It is just normal. Physical needs are common between boys and girls. It can not be termed as right or wrong. Only hitch being that mostly it is the girl who is left broken hearted in the event of break up as she has given everything in the relationship. Now coming to what you said. The boy had told the girl right from beginning that there is no future as he would not be able to make his parents agree to their marriage. But as they were in deep love and she thought time may change situation so she willingly consented for whatever way the relationship progressed. Boy instead of exercising restraint gave in to his physical urges and went ahead with physicality while the girl loving him whole heartedly and living with hope that his parents may change their stance consented to go ahead with deeper relationship . Now that he is married it is not ethical on his part to show love to the girl stating that there will be no physical relations but who can assure that they may not resume such relaitons in future. By doing this he is spoiling her future life for his selfishness. It could also be a case of boy ensuring fulfilment of his needs on rainy days. Girl on her part should realise that there is nothing tangible in such relationship unless she is hoping to break up the marriage. She should keep fond memories and move on. All contacts have to be severed immediately. She may go for counseling from someone she trusts.

HER REPLY

Very true... i wonder why in this era, people have such reservations regarding inter-caste marriages.. These days girls are becoming more courageous in choosing their life partners and boys have taken a back seat... they can easily get into a relationship, but think different when it comes to marriage. Then their first priority is their family...

22 comments:

Tabitha said...

Dear Uncle

I liked your advice.Sometimes life can be unfair. i feel sorry for the girl, poor thing!!! she must be really heart broken...Now that the guy is married he shud leave her alone rather than coming back. I just have one word for him "LOOSER"

Tabitha said...

Uncle I have posted two new posts...Do check them out..take care

Jack said...

Tabitha,

That is so nice of you to sympathise with the girl. How I wish she had spoken to someone more experienced earlier in the relationship. I will visit you today positively.

Take care

Cursed♪♫ said...

Hi Uncle!!
Thanks a lot for your comment. I'm not going to give up drawing so I hope I'll be better.
I read the story. It's really sad how close minded people are. I totally agree with Tabitha. I mean, he's married so now nothing can happen. He shouldn't keep her hanging.
Anyways, hoping to see you on my blog too! hehe.
Take Care :)

The Footloose Doll said...

I think the boy is a real jerk and he was only using the girl since the very beginning. It is very easy for boys to disguise want as need and win over the girl emotionally. I don't want to generalize but I've seen this happening a lot.

Jack said...

JUHI :

Thanks for your visit and comments. I am sure you will do well in painting. Hope you have read the main post Love???? Take care.


FOOTLOOSE :

It is so nice to see you here. I agree the boy had been too selfish and instead of firmly telling the girl that he would never be able to convince his parents to make her not to get physically involved, he let it go on taking advantage of her emotions. Have you read the main post LOVE???? here? Looking for your views on that too. Take care

nups said...

hi jack
long time since i visited u... hmmm some serious topic this is... but u knw there are al kind of men in this world.... girls r very vulnerable... but ,my advice to all the women is even if u get inbto a physical relation n the thing doesn work out don EVER feel guilty or any less of a human being... physical rlation is symbolic of having given ur all to the man u love and its an expression of divinity... don mistake it for lust n belittle yourself.... u r jus as precious n pure as the morning dew :)

nups said...

i think i shall blog on this one ..maybe u could direct ur friend to read my post

Jack said...

Nups,

I agree there is nothing to feel guilty about. It is done in good faith. But one does feel cheated if either partner misleads to gain physicality. As I always say girls have equal right to live the way they wish to just as boys. Looking forward to your post. I shall tell this girl to read it.

Take care

Zazu Ta said...

I think the boy was being very opportunistic, very selfish and unfortunately the girl was in it for real.
It happens a lot, Ive known people it's happened to. You just have to really know what you want, know yourself.. and irrespective of out come, maintain your dignity.
She should have been strong enough to leave him, than be used in this way. It's the donkey and the carrot situation.

Jack said...

Zazu,

This is what I have advised her exactly.

Take care

geeta banati said...

Hi Uncle!!
It looks like that the girl got herself involved with her mind,soul and body but the boy used only his mind.It seems like he played a game with her.Anyways now its the time for the girl to strengthen herself ,come out from the situation and look forward towards a better future.
If you look behind the scenes don't you think that when the girls and the boys doesn't have the mental and emotional support from the family they get into such relationships ending up messing out with their lives.
Sorry the comment is too long...
I am new to this blogosphere .I shall be thankful if you could fetch out some time and drop in some advice on my blog...http://www.itslifeblog.com

Jack said...

Geeta,

Thanks for your visit and wise views. Have you read the refered post - LOVE????. Kindly let me have your views on that too.

Visited your space and left my comment but am not sure if it is published. Please do let me know.

Take care

Meghna said...

a wonderful post.......such comments and replies over the blogosphere are heartning to read :)

Jack said...

Meghna,

So nice of you to visit and give your views. Have you read my post LOVE??? to which this is follow up? If not, please do so and give your views.

Take care

D said...

i think the girl cannot blame the guy since she went all the way just cuz she loved him and had hopes from him.. but he had never promised her the world and had been honest since beginning..

i wonder why ex-flames still keep in touch after they are married! its just wrong.. why do they get married in the first place when they have to cheat and lie and hide things from their husbands/wives later? whats the point..

im sure if te guy wanted to use her, he could still use her in this case.. some women just give away everything.. including their self-respect.. in the name of love.

i hope she gets out of the mess soon... i liked the advice you gave. it has to be stopped immediately. there's just no point

Jack said...

D,

I agree with you that it is not the fault of boy as right from beginning he had told that his parents would not agree to their marriage. Girl went ahead as she loved him and had hopes that he would either convince his parents or marry without their consent. But now that he is married he should not have kept contact with her even if there are no physical relationas as it would lead to her being unhappy. Also what surety is there that physical relations will not start in future?

Take care

D said...

yeah absolutely.. there's no surety. he is a human being.. though everyone has some will power but everyone breaks down at some point.. if a woman is "available" for so long, then till when will the man control himself.

Adisha S said...

Hello,

First visit and I was really touched by the way you handled the problem for that girl. In today's world people being so removed from logic is so sad. I believe if two people are really in love, they'll do everything to be together.

But then here, most people just want to have their cake and eat it too...

Jack said...

D :

That is why I advised the girl to break off totally now. Take care


ADISHA :

Thanks for your visit and encouraging views. Have you read the main post LOVE????? to which this is follow up? If not, please do so and your views are most welcome.

I will visit you soon. Take care

Vandita said...

I agree with your advice, theres no other way out. Its a win win situation for the guy and the girl is on the receiving for no fault of hers except that loved completely.

Americanising Desi said...

i fell in love with my best friend. though he made no promise, i just felt unconditional love. he cleared it to me that his love for me was entirely platonic, until one day he passionately kissed me. i gave in there. i just cudnt stop fantasizing from there. i just was the kind of girl he liked and would be with but somehow nothing changed. he married the girl he had met long before me and now has a family and i m no where a part of it because his wife hates me. i dont blame either of us. we were in love. i dont know if we still are but i do care about him and never wud want to break his home.

he did say that he regrets not marrying me... but then words are words, a lot is said and a lot doesnt mean anything because they are just words.. sigh!

i have put it all behind me and it carries no significance anymore or at least i tell me so!

life isnt unfair it just is terrific thanks to these moments!

i believe me and him will bond together i eternity :)