FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART II

Now coming to second part of my post. This is a difficult one. Before I go further may I tell you of an incident which happened few years ago. This is with due apologies to my readers of fair gender. Once a young man was strolling on the beach early in the morning. He saw a corked bottle with some fumes in it. He picked it up and pulled out the cork. Out came a Ginnie who bowed thanking him for setting him free. Ginnie further told that he would fulfill one of his wishes. The youngman was very scared of traveling by air or sea but was keen to visit Lakshdeep islands. He asked Ginnie to build a bridge to the islands so he could drive down to that place. Ginnie told him it is very difficult and requested for alternate wish. The youngman asked Ginnie to give him knowledge to understand women. Ginnie folded his hands and said “ How many lanes do you want in the bridge.”

Jokes apart, I am going to try to bring out expectations of a girl after marriage and how she can achieve what she wants. Let me put it here itself that what can be achieved by love and affection is not possible to get by sulking, throwing tantrums or being adamant. One needs to keep ego aside, however self respect is to be maintained. Though I have had fairly good idea as I used to speak to our daughter about her expectations when she was of marriageable age but still to update myself I spoke to few more young ladies – one newly married and rest of marriageable age. This post is thus based on these inputs along with what I had in my mind. Here I will try to put across her dreams for married life and her efforts to make the same come true.

First thing which we all have to understand is that no matter how long the girl may have known the husband or his family before marriage, it is only when one lives 7 X 24 that one gets to know the others fully. She moves from known environments where she is confident of her position and knows that her mistakes will not be made an issue. So the first thing which she looks for when she moves to husband’s house is acceptance with love & affection as an integral member of the family. Then comes space and independence followed by respect not only from husband but other members of the family too. She looks for time to settle down and wants support from all for that with open minded discussions and not sniggering remarks. It will of course facilitate her settling down if there are no demands of dowry. She is keen to have quality time with husband and feels that he should be with her as much as possible. She also wishes that her parents and relatives are given due respect by husband and others in the family. She wants to be part of decision making in the family and in many cases will like to continue with her career for financial independence. Most of this may not be difficult if staying alone with husband but if staying in joint family there will be some differences which may cause misunderstandings. She will definitely look for all the love from her husband and no unfaithfulness. She will expect her husband to understand that once she becomes a mother her attention will be more towards the child and he should not take it as if she is ignoring him. She will expect him to share her chores and all feelings. I do not think I need to say anything about physical relations which is definitely part of expectations.

Now let us see how can she get all she is looking for. First and foremost she has to understand that this is her family now. She must feel part and parcel of the family she joins. Not that she should forget her parental family but for settling down in new place she has to make efforts to be part of them. She needs to understand customs and traditions. If she finds any of these uncomfortable she must have clear communication with her husband and thereafter with her mother in law without drawing parallel with her parental house. She should try to take on household chores with concurrence of his mother, even if she is working then whatever is possible. She must understand that relation between mother and son is something which is very sacred and she has her own place. If she wins over his mother with her love she will not have any major difficulty with her husband as she will always have her support. Her respect for elders of the family will surely pay back as they too will have same feelings for her. If there is any misunderstanding she should clarify politely instead of keeping to herself and sulking.

I think instead of writing more I can just sum it up in one sentence “ SHE SHOULD DO WHAT SHE EXPECTS WIFE OF HER BROTHER TO DO IN HER PARENTAL HOUSE.”

I must convey my special thanks to Harpreet, Sonal and Shruti for their valuable inputs.

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART I

Some time ago I attended a seminar on Domestic Violence organized by a reputed NGO. There were a number of speakers and a lot of question were put up by attendees. Most of the speakers explained about the law provisions and some linked it with case histories. Two of them offered some concrete suggestions on how to curb this menace. This set me thinking that if we could understand basic causes which lead to domestic discord resulting in violence at times we may be able to curb this evil to a large extent. What I will try to project are expectations of each person involved making up a family and I will also say what should each one do to have expectations fulfilled. My writing is based on my own experience as son, husband, son-in-law, father, father-in-law of daughter’s husband & son’s wife apart from what I have observed in the society. And what I am going to say is applicable to present trends of our society which are strongly contested by a couple of young ladies who wish to see changes and I agree with them that we do need to change some of our age old customs as per changing times. What I say is for majority, exceptions are always there.

I have been working on this for almost a couple of weeks but have not been able to complete it. So I am going to post in 3 parts with first one from point of view of husband, second from wife and last from parents of boy as well as girl. Here is the first part :

HUSBAND

A man gets married to basically settle down in life, to have peaceful & comfortable home with someone to come to after hard day’s work, to have a family, have someone share his responsibilities and to have a soul mate with whom to share his happiness, thoughts & dreams. Physicality too is a major attraction.

To have above, he has to understand that his wife whom he may have known for years has left known safe environments and moved to his place with her dreams. It is only when you live together 7 X 24 that you truly get to know each other. There will definitely be some differences as two individuals have own personalities. If they are living in a joint family this aspect is more prominent as there are other members of family too with whom there may be some mutual differences. This is where maturity of husband is tested as he has to give support to his wife to overcome her fears and weaknesses. He has to understand her dreams and work for those which are relevant in the situation. He has to have patience. Not that I did not lose temper in the initial years of marriage but realized it over a period of time that it is futile to be angry as then logic goes out of mind. We had lived away from family as my job demanded that. In a joint family he has to give sufficient time to parents and siblings if staying together but without neglecting his wife. He has to make her understand that parents / siblings have their place while she has her own. He needs to see that she becomes a important part of the family and seek support of his parents / siblings to ensure that. There is likelihood of misunderstandings between his mother / sister and wife. He has to be unbiased to ensure that he must explain to the person who is wrong and why so. He has to shoulder dual role. If he expects her to respect him and his family he must give due respect to her and her space too and see that his family too does the same. He needs to share household chores, specially so if she is also working. He must show respect to her parents and regard to other relatives just as he would like her to do for his own. There should never be a time when he ridicules or belittles her on any matter. And last but not the least there should be no dowry demanded at all.

I feel this may be good start for having a happy HOME.

FOR LITTLE LAUGHTER

After 4 serious thought provoking posts, I think it is time for some lighter one and here is my attempt to bring smile on your face :



Jill was planning to go for weekly shopping of daily necessities. Their house was on top of a hill. It had snowed the whole of previous night and everything was white. She knew the road winding down to town nearby would be slushy and partly covered with snow. They have a SUV but she was not familiar with engaging 4 X 4 drive. Her husband was away on business trip and her father in law was away visiting other son . She called up her husband who briefed her in details how to engage 4 X 4 and ended by saying if she still had difficulty she should ask Tim. After an hour or so she was ready to leave but she still did not feel confident so she called up her father in law who too briefed her fully ending with to take help from Tim if she had any difficulty. Tim happened to be her 5 years old son.


It had rained heavily the previous night and all paths were slippery in the hilly terrain. Bobby reached school very late. On being asked by teacher he gave reason that for every two steps taken forward he slipped back by four steps. The teacher thinking that he could corner him for telling lies, asked then how did you reach school. He replied on seeing what was happening he started going back towards home and thus reached school.


A girl was with her elderly aunt who was driving up on hilly road. She was scared every time they took blind hairpin bend but her aunt seemed calm as ever. On being asked her aunt told that she too was scared out of her wits on every such bend so she just closed her eyes while negotiating it.


A young man went to the club for the first time after becoming member. It was early evening. There was only one more member, an old man there. So to strike conversation he asked the old man if he would like to join him for a drink. The old man replied “ Tried it once, did not like it ”. After some time the young man who wanted company asked him again if he would like to play cards with him. The reply again was “ Tried it once, did not like it ”. He then asked if he would join him for scrabble. Again the old man replied “ Tried it once, did not like it.” He got same reply for game of darts too. At last he asked the old man if he would like to play snooker and was told “ Tried it once, did not like it, however my son would be here soon and you can play with him ”. To this the young man retorted under breath “ I think he must be your only child ”.


An average man has sex life in three stages :

Tri – Weekly

Try – Weekly

and

Try - Weakly