Last year in July
I had shared with you about an elderly man missing his grandson as his d i l
had gone to her parents place with her son. I had been meeting him off and on
but not very regularly as he had become little infrequent to visit park when
children are at play.
A couple of days
ago I met him while returning from market. We stopped to talk to each other for
a while. He looked very depressed and his concentration was straying. I learnt
that his grandson had still not come back as his d i l was still not willing to
return. He confided that it was basically due to her father’s interference. He
had tried to speak to him on this issue but was spoken to very arrogantly by
her father that till his son shows some improvement she would not return. He
told that he felt sad to see his son leading this kind of lonely life and also
that he missed his grandson a lot. I was alarmed when he absently added that he
was even contemplating putting an end to his life while blaming her and her
father for his action. This shook me up
and I felt that it was time that he was told as to what his action may lead to
for others. I invited him for a cup of tea. He was hesitant but I insisted and
brought him home.
I then spoke to
him about his absent minded utterance and he confirmed that this had crossed
his mind several times as he felt so sad without his grandson with him. I told
him that had he realized that by this action he would be putting his grandson’s
entire life into jeopardy. He was surprised and asked me as to how could that
be. So I had to tell him the hard facts. I told him that he would get over all
what he is going through but did he imagine if his son would ever forgive his
wife or her father for this. Where would that leave his grandson? His d i l and
her father would be tied up in court case and would they not take out their
anger on that little boy? Even if did not blame them in his suicide note, still
his son would not accept his wife back as in his heart he would know the reason
for this act. So his grandson would still be at the mercy of his d i l and he
father. He was astonished that he did not think in this way. I told him that
when one is in depressed state of mind his or her thinking gets narrow. I then
requested him to take up some hobby which consumes time. I also asked him to
join me for morning walks and in park during evening time. He agreed to this
and told me that he used to read a lot but had almost given up. He added that
he would try to keep busy by reading as much as he could. Since that day I have been meeting him
regularly and found to my satisfaction that he seemed to have overcome that
feeling.
This set me
thinking that when one contemplates such drastic action does he or she even think
beyond self escape from problem and what legacy will be left behind. Also why
should such a situation ever arise? Don’t near & dear ones make out that
the person is in such a depressed state of mind and take remedial steps? Is EGO
of anyone more important that healthy relationship and life of someone so
close?
14 comments:
Very Sad story... In my opinion, as a yonger generation (Not all) but mostly yonger generation dont have respect for Elders and when this kind of situation arises, as a human being we become so selfish and only think about us. I think after marriage we should accept the fact that we are not loosing a touch with our parents but gaining another parents who will also give us the same love if we show some love towards them too. Yes, as you get older you actually care more about your children and expect they do the same but when something doesnt fall in place we have difficult situation to solve and the fact is it effects your love ones. Understanding is very important with each other. You cant blame anyone in this.
It is so sad...why do ppl not realise the repercussion of their decisions on near and dear ones.
at that time people are so fogged up by their own conundrum that they are too blinded to see beyond... and that's the time they need people like u :)
Your post title explains it all: one does NOT think rationally. I think that's why friends & family are very important, to pull one up during bad times.. :)
You're from India too!! I had forgotten that!!
Have mailed you personally this time.
it is so sad ...
hope you are doing well. wish you and your family a happy new year.
I am so glad that you were able to talk to this gentleman. People take the decision to commit suicide when they are not thinking straight. My friend lost her sister like this. The sister who committed suicide had a bad marriage and in her anger and depression ended her life. She did not think about what will become of her child. My friend's BIL now refuses to let his late wife's family take care of the child. His own mother is very old and is barely able to fulfil her grandmotherly duties. So, you can see how a rash decision taken in a moment of unclear thinking is affecting an innocent child? You must tell your friend to get his son to talk to his inlaws to allow access to the child even if the marriage is not working. Sometimes if there is a third party who mediates the dicsussions like a family friend then it may work out.
I agree with Meera, I also feel you should take the initiative and talk to the girl and the son first, and try to find ways in which they can solve the problems between themselves. Also, keep talking with FIL and probe from him whether he was being rude or indifferent to her needs and was he nagging her. I am sure the fault is as much with the old man, for however much the younger generation try to be good to the elders, some elders have this mental block, that the DILs are no good and her parents are equally bad.
I have seen it happen in families I am very close with.
How much hatred he must have for the girl and her parents to think of punishing them like that.
One thing I have noticed that elders may hate the parents, but will always have a soft corner for their grandchildren, and then I have seen them abusing the parents in front of the child, thereby creating a rift between the child and the parents too.
One has to be very careful, and must look from both sides, for no problem can be created by one party alone.
And he as an elderly person must be broad minded and be a better person.
Just as the girl has been taught by all good parents to be nice to her in laws, so too the in laws should treat a girl who has become a part of the family as their own daughter.
I personally feel that we as an older generation should come out of our comfort zone and be the better and more evolved generation, for if we cannot love how can we expect love and respect from the younger generation.
Hi Jack Isha is doing fine now and finally coming home today so excited . Thank you so much for praying for her
SABI :
I am grateful for such a indepth view. I am sure that if what you say is understood by youngsters life would be so heavenly. Please do let me know how is Isha. Take care
RIA :
We need to think with full application of mind and not be just self-centered. Take care
JYOTI :
Thanks for such supportive view. We surely need to take care of our near & dear ones. Take care
REVACIOUS :
We do need to keep an eye on our near & dear ones who are under some depression for whatever reasons. Take care
I DO I DO :
Thanks a million for visit and contact. Hope to have your valuable views in future also. Take care
C D :
Thanks for your wishes. We are fine. Wish you a very Safe and Happy 2013. Take care
MEERA :
When one is in that kind of emotional pressure, one can hardly think straight. That is where good friends and relatives have a role to play. I feel so sad for that little boy. Take care
RAMA :
It is so good of you to give such indepth view. I will surely try to do whatever I can and is accepted by them. After attending a seminar of domestic violence I had written a post about Happy Married Life in 3 parts in Oct - Nov 2009 where I had brought out expectations by all involved persons but we all forget our responsibilities to earn that. Do give your valuable views on that, if you find time to read that. Take care
No one never thinks rationally when one is depressed! We just wish to end our lives, finish everything and put the blame on others. At such times counselling is very important. A good friend or a third person will be able to provide you the support.
But the thing again is one should be willing to share the problems, thenonly solutions can be thought of!
God bless you uncle for being there as a friend and a well-wisher:)
regards,
Gayu
People always say Jack, that it takes courage to live life, but I've always thought it takes courage to end it.
Depression, is a disease that needs to be counseled. The solution for depression cannot be that the problems go away, they won't.
And from your excerpt, it sounds like that's what you did and where you came from. And for that, your friend, and every reader out there whose mind you changed, owes you a bit of their gratitude.
GAYU :
Sorry for late reply as I saw this view only now. It is a fact that unless one share what bothers him or her others even if willing to help can not do anything. Also it the affected person who has to come out of it following suggestions offered by well meaning persons. Take care
SARO :
When one is blinded by powerful negative emotions one does not think about his or her actions thus it is not courage which is needed to end life but thinking process strongly overcome with negative emotions. To live is what needs courage as one needs to face what life throws at him or her with calm and positive attitude. The problems can not be wished away but one needs positive attitude to face them and try to see how to overcome those. I am so grateful for your supportive views. Take care
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