PARENTS - CHILDREN RELATIONSHIP

I read following two snippets way back in 1969 or 1970 and if my memory does not fail me it was in Readers’ Digest.

A young boy of 3 years or so was asked his name by someone and he replied, “ Jimmy No.”. It was explained that his parents always kept telling him “Jimmy No” whenever he did something they did not want. So he took No as part of his name.

A young man walking on the beach saw a girl of about 2 years playing very close to the sea running towards the waves and running back when waves touched her legs. Her mother was sitting few yards away watching her daughter intently. He asked her as to why does she not stop the girl from going towards sea as it was dangerous but the mother did not respond and kept looking at the girl without shifting her gaze. Suddenly mother sprang up rushing towards the girl who had almost got swept away by strong wave and brought her out of water. On reaching the man she said, “ If I had stopped her from playing the way she was, she would do so when she is alone and not being watched. Now she knows the danger and so she herself would be careful in future.”

These left a lasting impression on my mind.

A year or so later I heard a young girl of about 8 years telling a lady, “ Go ahead and tell my mother. What will she do, give me few slaps, so what?”. This seemed to be a retort to the lady threatening her that she would report her misdeed to her mother. What struck me was the defiant attitude of that young girl.

These made me think about how children should be treated in their formative years by parents. Relationship between parents and a child is very important at that stage for overall development of the child into a responsible adult. And subsequently too bond between parents and grown up children is of utmost importance to ensure all round happiness of a family. There are umpteen number of books written by specialists but what I am going to say is the basic principles which have been of help to us in our years of bringing up children and as such I am sharing it with you all.

First and foremost we need to keep in mind that a young child is innocent, curious and interprets things as per his or her exposure. So when we speak to child about anything we need to get down to his or her age and understand their point of view or way of looking at things. For safety of toddler we need to keep things which may be harmful for the child out of reach. We had put dummy plugs in all reachable power point not in use and removed all items from dressing table locking those up in the drawers instead of saying NO every time they reached for it.

Never should we discourage a child from asking questions even if those seem silly to us as in his or her mind those are curiosities. We need to address all questions with reasonable explanations understandable by child and if it is something which is not appropriate for that age we should divert attention of child. There are so many ways to do so instead of saying NO or this is not for you leaving the child wondering about unanswered question and trying to find answer from other sources.

As the child grows we need to change our approach too but never in dictatorial way. During school days never put child under pressure to perform as per our satisfaction. Child should be made to understand that it is for his or her good to learn attentively and understand the subject instead of just memorizing it blindly. Encouragement should be given for participation in sports and extra curricle activities. They should be made to understand time management without being ordered to study or do this or do that all the time. Let the child choose own profession. We need to explain pros and cons of each and let the decision be made by the child.

Now comes the difficult phase, pre-teen, teenage and college life. In this phase there is not only curiosity of new pastures or trying to explore new ways of freedom but rebellion too to move away from it is done this way approach of elders. It is not possible to be with them 24 hours of the day. We need to understand that time has come to treat them as friends, of course within limits and make them understand their responsibilities. We need to encourage them to share their feelings and thoughts. I had told our daughter when she joined college “ Now you are moving from uniformed regulated life to different way of life with time at your disposal. Do what your conscience permits you but just understand that whatever you do should not make us hang our heads in shame ever. There may be times when you may feel you have to do something against your wishes or conscience, so just take precautions not to get into that kind of situation.” I am proud to say that she behaved in a very sensible way without any monitoring. And to our son at his entry to college apart from what I told his sister I added “ Never force a girl for anything she does not want to do or never physically or emotionally coerce her to do what she is not willing to.” Again I am happy that he never let us down.

Then comes the marriage time. We should give full liberty to them to choose their soul mate. They should be made to feel confident to share their liking with us. If it is seen that the one chosen lacks something, it should be logically discussed and not forced for change of option. Our children had their own friendships but when time came they both left it to us to look for their would be life partners. But I insisted that they would have to meet our selected one, spending enough time without being chaperoned to make up their mind. I also told our son that the girl he so meets has full right to say no. Well, they are both now settled with children though with normal tiffs off and on. They have to solve their differences themselves with our unbiased support to one who is justified.

Thereafter they should be left to lead life as they want without interference but support as needed. Of course it does not mean that they can do something criminal or unacceptable in normal society for which once again we can only advise or guide logically but can not force our will. In such an event if he or she still continues to follow which is unacceptable, it is time to part company.
That sums up what we have gone through in our time. Now it is grandchildren who make us relive our olden days all over again.

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Today we completed 38 years of married life. We, of course, have had our ups and downs in loving relationship with not on talking terms and throwing tantrums but she was always there when I needed her. I, too, did reciprocate the same whenever need arose. These years made me wiser. So today I thought of putting up a post with lighter tone, Jokes on married life. Here we go, hope you do enjoy these :


In the evening of 25th wedding anniversary wife found husband sitting in the reading room with tears in eyes and drinking. She was overcome with emotions and told him that she was so glad to see tears of happiness. He said, “ Do you remember when your Police Officer father caught us in your room what did he say?” She replied, “ Yes, I do remember even though I was so scared at being caught that way, he told you either you marry me or he will have you sent to jail for 25 years.” He started crying loudly saying , “ Do you understand I would have been a free man by now.”


A young man asked his married friend for advice as he wanted to get married. His friend told him “ Marriage has 3 rings, Engagement Ring, Marriage Ring and SufferRing.”


Marriage is a ceremony where a man loses his Bachelor’s degree while a woman get Master’s.


A couple was driving past a farm on the highway and were having heated argument. On seeing some pigs in the farm field he told her, “ Your relatives.” She immediately retorted, “ Yes, from in-laws side.”


A couple was having heated argument in front of some friends. She told him, “ My choice is always better than yours.” He agreed whole heartedly saying, “ I agree with you fully.” His friend later asked him as to why did he agree. He told, “ After all I am her choice and she is my choice.”


Do you know full form of WIFE? It is acronym for Worries Invited For Ever.


What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are atleast WANTED.


There was discussion in the office about colour of eyes and faithfulness. It transpired that those with black eyes are most faithful, with blue eyes are flirts, green eyed fantasize and those with brown eyes are least faithful. A newly married man went home earlier than normal. When he opened his flat door with his key, he found his wife sleeping in the bedroom. He tiptoed to her and lifted her eye lids gently. On seeing colour of eyes he was taken aback and said loudly, “ Oh, brown.” And out came his close friend Brown from under the bed saying with surprise, “ How did you know I am here?”



A private in the Army got married to a Lady Staff Sergeant who was not only senior but little elder in age too. She was also drill instructor for the formation. His friends asked him as to why did he do that. He told them, “ Well, I do what you people always wish while on parade.”

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY PART III

Now I come to the 3rd and the last part of this post. In this I will try to put across some of the expectations of both – boy’s parents and girl’s parents and what they need to do to achieve what they wish for. And when I say parents, it includes siblings of the boy or girl too.

First I will take up boy’s side. I am not at all talking of those who are greedy and dowry seekers. As far as I am concerned such persons do not need to be thought of as those who wish to have happy family life because for such persons it is jingle of coins only which makes them happy. Best part is while seeking dowry they open their mouths so big that even the whole world is not sufficient and at the same time when it comes to marriage of their daughters they feign poverty. Let us forget such blots on the face of earth.

His parents basically look for girl who will settle down as family member and follow traditions of the family. They would like her to share all good and bad of the family. They would expect her to keep all family affairs within the family and not make it public. They expect her not to divide the family. They would like her to show due respect and not talk back or sulk if told of some mistakes. They also look for grandchildren to give them company.

What should they do to have this happy situation? First of all they must give space to the new entrant to the family. They must understand that she has spent so many years in her parents house following their way of life, so give her time to adjust to new surroundings. They must let her have quality time with her husband as they have to understand each other to spend rest of their life. They should be open to logical discussion for any change needed in the traditions or way of life felt by the girl and agree to what seems better as well as explain why old customs must carry on. There should never be any mistrust. Mother should tell her likes and dislikes of her son including food habits so she can adjust to him faster. She should be given opportunity to learn whatever needs to be to take on responsibilities of the household. They should be support to her for bringing up the grandchildren but not to spoil them.

In short I will just say that THEY SHOULD TREAT HER AS THEY WOULD LIKE THEIR DAUGHTER TO BE TREATED AT HER HUSBAND’S HOME.


Now coming to girl’s parents. They would like to see their daughter settle down in the new home. They would like to see her being treated with love and respect. They would like to see her husband caring and supporting her.

To achieve the above they first of all need to explain to their daughter that she is starting with new life and her husband’s family is now her family. They can affirm their support to her just as earlier but make her understand that she needs to settle down in new place as quickly as possible. They should explain to her to have open mind and learn. If she feels something amiss she should speak to her husband in polite manner and thereafter with his mother or father. She should not run back to them for every small issue or try to divide the family. Above all they should never ever interfere into the affairs of her new family. They may keep an eye that she is not being harassed.

Again in short THEY SHOULD DO WHAT THEY EXPECT PARENTS OF THEIR SON’S WIFE TO DO.


Whatever I have said in these 3 parts is for an ideal situation which is very difficult to attain. However if efforts are made by each one to follow these as much as possible the life of any family will be peaceful thus lead to happiness.

It must be kept in mind that OPEN TWO WAY LOGICAL AND POLITE COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.


May I request you all for adding your inputs to whatever I have felt or put across.