Thursday, April 16, 2009

LOVE ??????

After reading some posts I felt deeply moved and wanted to be of whatever help possible to those who may need it. This made me think of what to write and how to begin but some reason or the other I could not marshal my thoughts to put them in letters. A shocking news in today’s ToI about a 23 years US student having been gang raped by 6 of her classmates shook me out of my slumber. I felt that I should not delay it anymore. I am certain that some of you may not like my stating the obvious truth which is generally not acknowledged. I have always believed that there should be no differentiation between boys and girls. But unfortunately this is also a bitter fact that girls are on the receiving end always. It is the way God has willed. Thus girls even in civil and broad minded society still have to be able to fend themselves. Apart from bringing up our two children, girl & boy, on equal footing I have had opportunity to inter-act with number of youngsters of both genders. I feel that I should share my experience with you all so we should not have another Nafisa Joseph or that budding TV star ( sorry, I miss the name ) again. It is a well known saying that a man will show love to have sex while a woman will consent for sex to have love. Based on this I will briefly narrate 3 out of some cases I had been asked to advise. No matter how friendly parents are there will be still some thing which children would not like to talk to them about. It is upto parents to foresee such situation and instill confidence in child to share his or her thoughts or actions.

First one relates to a fine young girl of about 23 who was deeply in love with a man few years elder to her. They were keen to marry inspite of being from different castes. Her parents had learnt about it. After some usual threats and hesitations they consented stipulating that the man should meet them. But he on some pretext or the other kept avoiding it. They were known to me. On their request I spoke to the girl. After a couple of meetings she confided in me and my doubt was confirmed that he was already married. He had two children also. They had met at some party and were drawn to each other. She was looking for steady boyfriend and he filled the slot. He told her that he was single. A few meetings later he coaxed her to have physical relations proposing to marry her. She by then was totally bowled over by his affectionate manners and as he promised marriage she consented. It was only after that he told her of his actual status. Though she was shocked but she could not come out of this as by then she was in love with him fro her heart. She believed him when he said that he would divorce his first wife and marry her. She continued doing whatever he wanted. And that had been going on for almost six months by the time I spoke to her. She quarreled with me when I told her that he would never do so and was using her for his lust. However after a long talk with patience she agreed to tell him that no more physical relations till he files for divorce. She frankly told me it would be difficult for her too as she also liked it. When she did what I asked her she saw his true side. He tried cajoling her, threatened her and even made her submit with brutal force. That is when she agreed to my advice not to see him any more. He kept persisting by sending messages through his staff. The mobiles were not so common at that time. She directed those messengers to me when it became intolerable. One day he came over to my office and told me not to interfere in his life. Polite requests did not make any headway. So I met his superiors as he was in Govt service. It was only after their intervention and informing him that they would be obliged to initiate legal action if the girl complained, he desisted from making further contact with her. I advised the girl that she should not speak about it to her would be husband in future and if inescapable could just say that she had been friendly with boys in college but not to discuss any details. This advice was as no matter how educated and broadminded one may be it will still pinch some corner of his mind if he knows that his wife has had her share of physicality irrespective of what may have been his past. I have not met or spoken to her after that and her parents too shifted to their native place but I heard that she is happily married.

Second is about a girl of just below 20 who was studying in college out of town and stayed in the hostel. Her mother, whom I looked at as sister due to her brother being my long time friend, told me once when girl was home on holidays that her behavior was totally changed and she was found shouting & using profanities on telephone to someone. She wanted me to intervene as girl refused to say anything to her. I had a very long discussion with the girl and had to use my patience much beyond limits. Once she understood that I mean no harm but am there to help her, she confided that she has developed physical relations with her room mate who also belonged to Delhi. She also told that though she has had physical relations with a boyfriend but was happy in the present relationship. They intended to get married and live as a couple. This was much before the present supportive processions. The other girl was more dominant or husband like. The shouting on telephone was as she used to tell her not to do certain things or go out in certain attires when alone. I explained to her that it is her choice as to what relationship she wishes but presently our society was not ready to accept such couples. She understood after a lot of arguments specially that her mother would be devastated once she learns this. She agreed that she likes heterosexual relations too. My advice was that she should follow her conscience but keep standing of her family and herself in the society in mind while taking any decision. I also told her to be discrete. It was almost six years ago. She has got engaged to a fine young man. Though I have not asked but know that she does spend time with her girlfriend on week ends at times.

Third is about a student of 12th class. She had got marks in 90%s in her 10th Board but in 11th her performance dipped drastically. Her mother got worried and approached me through someone who knew that I do counsel youngsters. This girl was at first unwilling to speak anything. It took me 3 meetings to win her trust. She told me that she met a boy of same class but in different school when she was in 11th. They became friendly which developed in love gradually. After a few weeks of meeting regularly they got onto hugging and kissing stage. On my gradual leading she accepted that they had gone far beyond that but insisted that not the whole way. I did not want to embarrass her by asking more so I let it go at that. My advice to her was that for everything there is time and age. Presently she should concentrate on her studies as unless she gets good marks her future will be uncertain. And same goes for him too. How she lives her life is her own decision as she is not a toddler but she has to understand that there are some expectations of her parents which she can not just ignore. I also told her that whatever she does should be after full application of her mind and clear conscience without any peer pressure. I drafted a daily time table for her allowing time for not only studies but for outings, talking to friends on telephone and even for parties as needed. She liked the idea of such daily schedule. I met her a few more times after that and was impressed with her dedication to follow set routine. She scored more than 85% in 12th Board making her parents proud. It is over 3 years now and have neither met her or her mother.

My intention of bringing it out here is to emphasize that instead of taking hasty decisions under euphoria of being in love and later being left heart broken or becoming a victim of lust girls need to apply mind fully before making any commitment. It may seem impractical as cupid strikes without warning ( I have already accepted that in my earlier post ) but fact still remains that though girls have as much right to live life as they want just like boys but being GIRL they still have to take precautions to ensure their wellbeing.

32 comments:

ash89 said...

Girls are foolish. I dont understand y we girls believe all the nonsense guys talk.

Jack said...

Ash,

It is not so. Girls get carried away with feeling of love as they feel secure with the person they love. That is when they need to think rationally or take help from someone elderly whom they can trust. Parents are ideal but as I said it is difficult to speak to them on this.

Take care

Sonal Arora said...

Dear girls,
"It is a well known saying that a man will show love to have sex while a woman will consent for sex to have love. "

above statement is true...ABSOLUTELY!!!!
Most girls are too sensitive and dependent

ppl comment on my relationship that its been four yrs n bla bla....they perceive that m not a virgin...hehe...but when i went into relation with my classmate/best fren ,
I simply told him that i dont want sex...
he agreed... he said he 'll wait...
that's what i like bout my guy...
We trust each other more than ourselves...still respect each other's Rule-book.
Till date...
I am proud to say that Iam a virgin
and yes people call it a lack of opportunity but i feel I am not answerable to anyone out there...
I AM very proud of myself...this is the only thing which i would like girls to take from me: "Self respect"
being a 20 yr old girl, may be I am too young to advice..
however I would still suggest girls...
to have self worth, Dignity, Choice because It is your life...
Rule it...!!
be proud of your decisions..
Do it if u want it...!!
Celebrate Womanhood..Respect other woman which is less to be seen..!!

Jack,
I was talking to Meet on the alike topic last night...
and we were talking bout our own classmates who fell in these traps which is too common these days... (they have distinct lives than ours)...
...Girls are into drugs and alchohol...reason being "Guilt" built inside them...
Bless them

and yes I love your topics...please Keep that work on..
and i simply LOVED THE POST ABOVE.

Jack said...

Sonal,

It is appreciable that you applied your mind and you both took decision as per your own conscience and principles. This is exactly I have been advising. Live your life as you wish to but follow your conscience.

Take care

Zazu Ta said...

I think women need to become aware of the reality of how things are. Mills& Boon, romeo & Juliet is all fiction. In today's world... you have got to look out for yourself, and not fall into peer pressure or go the "Everyone's doing it" way.

BTW: This is the german shepard, air force brat you met on your evening walk! :D

Jack said...

Zazu,

Thanks for your visit as promised. I appreciate firm commitment. Have you read other posts and seen photographs of our brats- two of them? Is she retired soldier from AF Dog squad?

Take care

mudita said...

Good work Jack! The manner in which most youngsters of today are messed up, we need more samaritans like you in our society. Keep it up! Mudita.

Mystique said...

See, that's not love, that's mostly selfishness.
And hey, it's not just girls who get their hearts broken. I've seen boys who've loved with all their soul and then been wronged.

Jack said...

MUDITA :

As I said youngsters find it difficult to speak to parents on certain issues. That is where someone elder who can understand their doubts or issues by patient hearing and guide them to take decisions with proper application of mind. It will be nice if you could also think about doing this.
Take care

MYSTIQUE :

I agree it is not love as LOVE is something beyond words. It is not just selfishness but doing something out of ignorance, peer pressure and lust without giving it a proper thought. Take care

Keshi said...

I so agree. Girls need to be EXTRA careful and smart when it comes to r'ships.

Ash both girls and boys can be foolish. Maturity plays a part in handling r'ships but not all r well-equipped with it..some just hv to go thru it all to LEARN.


Keshi.

Jack said...

Keshi,

Honestly speaking be it a boy or girl one has to be clear what he or she is looking for in the relationship. Even if it is just casual one, it still needs proper application of mind regarding limits. I firmly believe that girls have as much right as boys to lead life as they want to but girls need little more caution as boys will get away with almost anything while our society does not accept a girl having her way.

Take care

ki said...

I liked this post. It's not like one cannot find love at a young age, what one needs to realise is that getting carried away in love is dangerous.

Jack said...

Ki,

You got it right absolutely.

Take care

Rinkal said...

hiiii
i liked your this post
you had written from heart and thats excellent
i loved it

Jack said...

Rinkal,

Thanks for visit and such encouraging comments. Hope you will be careful when time comes.

Take care

Sakshi said...

You know the problem that I feel... today is... that- there is so much of fake love.. that its very difficult to separate out genuine love from the one with a motive.
And in a true relationship, it is very important that both the ppl be ready emotionally... to take such a huge step. And, being responsible is as much a concern for both parties...

Rinkal said...

ya i will be careful and i dont
have interest in all taht things





take care ,bbye

nups said...

hi Jack
its been a while my friend.... sorry i ws busy with studies so couldn be active in participation... a very important topic n kinda need of the hour... u r so right .. girls r very vulnerable and kinda foolish... life has taught me some lessons too guess we all go thru our share... the trick is to learn n move on n never feel guilty :)life is all abt few mistakes n few lessons learnt along the way ... but yes one thing is for sure.. m gona be damn protective of my daughter... whenever she arrives n gets to that age though :) sure a long way from nw!

Jack said...

SAKSHI :

I am so happy to see you here.

I have said that a man will show love to have sex.... that is what if fake love. Unfortunately it is girls who are left heartbroken or deceived. I am not at all against a girl doing what she feels she should but only stipulation is that she should have it clear in her mind what she wants and is she willing for it with her clear conscience. Take care

RINKAL :

I told you to be careful when time comes. You are far too young at present. Just be sure what you are looking for in life. Take care


NUPS :

I am happy that you could make it. How are your studies going on and when are the examinations? I agree that we all learn from our mistakes and must move on thereafter. One needs to be clear in mind, specially girls, what one is looking for in relationship. Please donot be too protective but be frank and more of a friend to your daughter when time comes.
Take care

Dipti said...

Dear Jack

(you know i feel weird calling you just Jack now since you are elder..so Jack Uncle? dunno! whatever you say)

anyway

i am glad you shared those examples of young girls with us. i totally agree that we do get carried away with love/lust in our growing-up age and some men take advantage of the innocence of teenagers / young adults. its only after we have experienced a bad relationship or seen a close friend suffer because of a wrong guy, we understand and realize how futile it is to give all of ourselves to a guy so early in a relationship..

before i met rishab (my boyfriend of almost 5 years) , i was in a bad relationship too.... though i was lucky that i didn't give my everything to him (my good sense or just God's plans), yet my studies did suffer because of it. but i realized in time and got out of the mess. i was almost suicidal and depressed and my parents worried a lot about me..and today when i look back, i realize i was just a naive, stupid little girl who was blind in "love" or whatever it was... i was living in a dream world.. and didnt see the reality that the guy was using me just because i was being easy.

women just have to stop letting men take advantage of them.

Jack said...

Dipti,

Glad to see you here. I liked the suffix with so much of joy. Please I will feel very happy if you address me as that. My main idea of writing it here was to forewarn girls who are entering into teenage or are just about getting into relationships to be aware of facts before they commit. Hope God blesses you happiness always.

Take care

Pavi!!!! said...

Jack as far as this post goes…I agree with most of the stuff n then I don’t agree with one thing.

Ur rite when u say that although we all would like to think that men and women are equal things aren’t all that easy for girls n we need to be a lot more cautious n careful compared to men. The world will forgive men for some mistakes easily but women will be ridiculed and punished for them.

So yes…the girl in ur 1st story had got into a deep mess wit a guy who as making use of her…

The girl in the 3rd story was a li’l distracted but it is very much possible for one to fall in love…get physical n yet be able to focus on educational and career goals. Its not easy..but nor is at an Either-Or situation.

N then the 2nd story..so u think alls fine now that she is married to a guy but meets her Gf during the weekends? Isn’t that the same as cheating? N I think we all can say that cheating isn’t exactly a correct thing!
I don’t think it was right of u to advise her make the choice of which gender she wants to spend her life with based on whether society would accept it or not and based on her parent’s reaction to it and their izzrat n wat not. These things matter but only that much. Society will bitch and then pat on ur back..thats their job..u shldnt take the applause or criticism too seriously. I donno in detail, but I know for sure that when ppl choose to be homosexual, its not just a mental choice or the way they feel ..its got to do with their hormones n how they were created by the almighty. Therz no point in advising sum1 to change this for the sake of other’s happiness! Infact, frankly its ridiculous!

Jack said...

Pavi,

Thanks for your visit and supporting comments. I know it would be cheating but she is still to get married. My advice was to consider every aspect before making choice of partner. The other girl is also engaged. They both are happy with hetrosexual relations too. Anyway it is one's choice as long as they do not make nuisance in public.

Take care

Preeti Shenoy said...

Somehow if parents are close to the children, then the children would confide a lot more in parents.It depends on how comfortable parents make them feel--the relationship should be such that they are comfortable to discuss anything including sex.
Parents can be the best friends the young adult children can have.
Thanks for sharing!
Cheers
preeti

Jack said...

Preeti,

That is the ideal situation failing which someone elder who can win trust of youngsters may be involved to take on this important role.

Take care

Tabitha said...

If u happen to discover and open ur suprise gift before ur birthday,you wud be excited on the discovery initially, but as days come closer to ur big day the excitement wud subside coz its not a suprise to u anymore... on the other hand if u hadnt knwn about the fact earlier and that was disclosed to you on ur birthday the joy and excitement wud have been much more. Sex is a precious gift of God that should be opened at the right time, place and age. A large mass of people knowingly or unknowingly become victms, though we talk about equality, the truth is girls are obviouslly at the loosing end compared to.Guys.

One needs to be very matured and carefull. Sex is something that unites a husband and a wife....The statement that u made is so true " Men love to have sex where as women have sex for love"... Everyone makes mistakes but one shud certainly learn from it and not repeat the same.

Jack said...

Tabitha,

We all, boys or girls, have similar curiosities and urges while growing. It is but natural. Proper information is unfortunately not available from right sources. Thus starts experimentation and trying to be one up on the peers. Only thing what is needed is proper application of mind before doing anything which you can not speak about. That is where guidance is of paramount importance. Girls need it little more than boys.

Take care

Amrita said...

Some post.. and sooo many comments.. I read each and every one of them and it made sense...
I was brought up in a completely different way..and my priorities were so different that love never creep in the early stages... when I did fall in love later touchwood.. we both had the maturity and the level headedness....

a very insightful post..

Jack said...

AMRITA :

It is so nice that you found time to visit me. I am glad that you both had applied your mind while in relationship. How nice it would be if all understand this. Please do keep visiting. Take care

geeta banati said...

The title of the post is perfectly suitable LOVE with so may question marks,since in all the three cases its surely not love....
Again I would like to point out that When child passes through the different stages of life starting from infancy ,to adolescence, to teenage s/he needs the mental and emotional support and if s/he does not get it from her/his family s/he tries to find it outside and the complication starts..

Jack said...

Geeta,

You are right. Parents ought to be more of friends than unapproachable. In the absence of such situation someone close to family is next best bet. Children need proper and frank guidance in growing years.

Take care

Vandita said...

I couldn't agree more. We girls need to have a firm head on our shoulders and also be able to assert our opinions when needed. I know that when you're in love whatever the other person says sounds right and you don't want to contest it, but when it starts to affect your self respect or your self growth i'd say THINK AGAIN!
Its wonderful that you speak with/counsel so many youngsters, sometimes thats the only thing thats needed, someone non-judgemental with a patient ear