THE 10 MUST HAVES FOR PEACE OF MIND

In my previous post, UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE, I had hoped that two issues which were not spelt out but were the cause of lonely living of Kaka & Kaki would be noticed. But unfortunately only Restless partially caught on one. The issues are :

How for pursuit of our own ambitions we compromise on sacred relations, as evident by their younger son being virtually cut off from them.

How most of the girls, no matter how well educated, have mistrust for in- laws even when there is no show of bad intents by them, as evident in their daughter in law moving to her mother’s place.

Now coming to this post. Ellen ( ellen-inretrospect ) had written in her post - THE 10 MUST HAVES INSIDE MY TOTE BAG – that we can list out same for many other aspects, like home, kitchen, travel and relationship etc. I while commenting had said that I am looking forward to her next post concerning relationship and I am also motivated to write one such post. So here I go on

THE 10 MUST HAVES FOR PEACE OF MIND

1. Be Honest To Yourself :

This in my opinion is the topmost. We can paint our wrongs as rights to others by advancing reasons in a manner making them believe those. But in heart of hearts we know we are wrong. So if we are honest to ourselves, we will be guided by our conscience to avoid doing anything wrong which would make us feel scared what if it is found out affecting our peace of mind.

2. Be Content With What You Have :

This does not mean that have no dreams or ambitions. Make all efforts to achieve what you desire for but be content with what you get. Continue striving without getting saddened if the results are less than expected.

3. Have No Jealousy :

X has a huge mansion inspite of being a dud while I live in a flat inspite of being so intelligent or Y has so many men as friends while I am more beautiful and intelligent but have hardly any, so you start feeling jealous of those persons. So analyse it , may be your financial management needs improvement or you are too snooty and make changes accordingly. Do think it over, does being jealous change anything? So let it be. Each to his or her own. Make efforts to achieve what they have.

4. Be Truthful :

Be truthful in your dealings, promises, relationships and profession. If you lie, it does make you feel insecure that it may be found out. I know it is easier said than done but in tricky situations one may find way out with diplomacy than telling a lie.

5. Have No Ego :

Be proud but not vain. If we feel we are superior to others, it will make us long for attention and if we do not get it or someone else gets it instead of us, this will lead to heartburn thus no peace of mind.

6. Have Open Mind :

Be prepared to listen to other person’s logic or reasons instead of being adamant the it is only “I” who is right. Accept your weaknesses or failures or mistakes.

7. Do Not Keep Grudges :

If someone has hurt or harmed us, talk it out but forget after that. Do be careful of that person in future but if we keep the hurt or harm fresh in our memory, it will lead to our mind being disturbed and longing for revenge all the time.

8. Communicate Honestly :

When you hide some facts while communicating to others, be it at work place or family affairs or friends or personal details, it will always lurk in your mind what if the hidden issues or details are found out.

9. Be Faithful :

Be faithful to your ownself, family, country, orgainsation, friends and last but not the least spouse. Do I need to elaborate on this?

10. Have Faith :

Have faith in yourself, family and fellow beings. Do be careful against betrayals but do not mistrust everyone as a rule. And have faith in God you believe in. Remember if good times have passed so will the bad times too.

I am sure there will be a lot of more for additions or changes in your mind, I welcome you all to share it with us here.

UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE

This is the post I had in my mind before I wrote FATHER’S DIKTAT. It is an incident which is over ten years old but is still fresh in my mind.

We had shifted to a locality which had mixed categories of houses. We were in a flat while at stones throw there were good bungalows. The residents were mostly upscale people. During my walks in the morning I used to see an elderly couple taking rounds of the park. I placed him to be about 5 years my senior which would make it 60. I learnt later that he was actually 66+ at that time. He was greeted by almost everyone of the locality and he had warm smile for each. After a few days we were introduced by a mutually known person. That is when I learnt that he was a retired senior officer from Government. They were originally from Gujarat but had settled here. Everyone addressed him Kaka and his wife Kaki. They had been in that locality for more than 15 years in their modest bungalow. They both were ever so helpful without any hesitations.

We started exchanging polite greetings whenever we met. They visited our house a few times and so did we but to find them home was difficult as they were mostly on call of helping someone or the other. Our relations were very warm but we did not ask any personal questions. Whatever information we had of each other was voluntary. However we shared a lot of common interests due to our keen passion for wellbeing of the society.

A couple of months after we were introduced a mutual friend came to our house in the evening stating that Kaka was in ICU of a hospital a little distance away and Kaki must be alone with him. I accompanied him to the hospital. On the way he filled me up with Kaka’s personal details.

They had two sons. Elder was in Army while second, younger by two years, went to USA for studies after science graduation as he was keen on becoming a research scientist. Both were married. Elder one liked a girl who was a fellow officer’s cousin and had come on holidays to place where he was posted. Her father was no more. Her mother was working in a private company taking care of her and son who was younger. They got married as Kaka and Kaki felt that happiness of the couple is more important than any other reason. Younger one was married to a girl of Indian parents who were second generation American citizens. So the girl was born and brought up in that nation. Kaka and Kaki went to USA for the wedding. Though it was traditional Indian wedding but had a lot of flavour of that country. They visited them again after a year or so. Their son wanted them to live there but Kaka did not agree as he saw that his brother in law who was married was living separately though his father had a fairly big house. He felt that their daughter in law who was working also would have different thinking. They however remained in touch. Kaka along with Kaki visited them twice again on birth of their daughter and son. They had visited India a couple of times only all these years. Exchange of e-mails and videos had been main source of contact apart from periodical calls.

Unfortunately elder son had died about 5 years ago in a freak motorcycle accident. His motorcycle skidded on loose rubble on a sharp turn and he suffered open chest injury due to sharp iron rods lying on the side which were to be put up in the road divider. He was conscious enough to call up his unit. He was picked up within short time and taken to hospital. There were broken ribs as well as shoulder. Doctors made all efforts to see that he recovers but he went into coma after four days as infection developed in open chest wound reached brain. He passed away two days after that. He was survived by his wife, a son of 2 years and daughter of 4 months. His wife did not get any pension as accident was not attributable to service but she received money from insurance, provident fund and gratuity. Kaka advised her to put that money in fixed deposit for making it grow as they would take care of her and children. But her mother made her move to her place putting her money in business with her younger brother. Kaka was unable to make her understand risk factors as her mother did not let her alone to discuss it. He kept in touch by making telephone calls but there was hardly any reciprocation. They visited her place on birthdays of their grandchildren and Diwali to give them gifts. In all this time she visited them only once or twice.

We reached hospital and found Kaki with another lady & two children. I learnt that she was their daughter in law with their grandchildren. Kaka was in operation theater. Few more persons from our locality had reached there. We all were saying silent prayers for his recovery. About an hour later he was wheeled out. The doctor told us that he is out of danger and will come out on anaesthetic affect in a few hours.

He was fit to be sent home in little over a week. During this period I made a visit on daily basis, at times alongwith the person with whom I went on first day. I found Kaki or their daughter in law there. Kaka was very liberal with praise when he introduced me to their daughter in law. During one of my visits a day or so before he was discharged their daughter in law told me as to what had happened.

For a couple of years all went well at her mother’s place. Her brother gave her money in return of her investment in his business. But gradually he started delaying it and stopped it totally in the past year or so. He stated losses in business as the reason. Her mother supported him. Being a graduate without any specialization she took up job of a receptionist in a medium sized company to ensure proper education of her children. She never told this to Kaka. However in the past 6 months she was forced to part with a large amount of her salary for household expenses. Matter came to boil a fortnight ago when her mother told her to withdraw her children from reputed school and admit them to government run school to save money for household. She refused and was told to make her own arrangements. She shifted out to a locality which was just a shade above slum. Kaka called her up as routine a couple of days after that. She broke down and told Kaka everything. Kaka told her that why did she shift to such place when her house is here. He alongwith Kaki went to her house to bring them home.

They had packed up their little belongings and put those in the car which was a little distance away. As they all settled down, there was a sudden shout by a lady. On looking up Kaka saw two persons on motorcycle had snatched that lady’s purse and were heading towards him. As they came abreast, Kaka shoved them. They stumbled and fell. Kaka caught hold of the one who was holding the purse. On seeing this his partner whipped out knife and lunged at Kaka, stabbing him on arm and side of waist. By now a large crowd had gathered and both culprits were caught by the mob who started beating them up. Their daughter in law made a call to Police on emergency number. A PCR van arrived within 15 minutes and took Kaka to hospital while leaving a constable to guard the offenders with help of some persons who volunteered. Kaki accompanied him in PCR van while daughter in law followed in Kaka’s car. On reaching hospital Kaki made call to the person who came to our house with this news.

Though we shifted out of that locality a year later, I am still in touch with Kaka. Their grandson is now in college while granddaughter is in 11th. Their daughter in law apart from running the house teaches underprivileged children as per Kaka’s wishes. The lower court convicted those culprits and their appeal is pending. However they still have scars and limp from the beating they received at the hands of crowd. Kaki is no more. She passed away two years ago. Kaka told that she went with her head in their grandson’s lap and a content smile on her face.

HAPPY DIWALI

MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL WITH LOTS OF HAPPINESS.

MAY ALL YOUR WISHES BE FULFILLED.

HAPPY DIWALI

FATHER'S DIKTAT

Rinki is a dear niece of mine. Her father, Dilip is my first cousin. She has a brother younger by 3 years. I have seen her growing right from her birth. We live in the same city but in different localities, a little distance from each other. We visit each other at least once a month if not more. She is very charming girl and had been good in studies as well as other extracurricular activities. She represented school as well as college in basket ball and was in university badminton team.

After she completed her graduation she showed keenness to take up a job while pursuing MBA in HR. Dilip was keen to marry her off but I sided with her saying that 20 is too early for marriage. He reluctantly agreed. She came out with flying colours in MBA. This lead to her being offered a job in a big MNC. Another year passed before Dilip brought up marriage. He started looking out for a suitable match. I suggested that he ask Rinki if she has anyone in mind. He stated that it was just not possible. But on my insisting, he did ask her in my presence. She replied in negative but I could make out that it was more out of her fear of father than truth. So I cajoled her saying that she had been working for over 3 years and surely she must have met a lot of people, adding that it is just normal for young boys or girls to like each other. She reluctantly told that she did have affinity towards a youngman in her organization who was in another department and senior to her. She confirmed that he too liked her and had introduced her to his parents. Dilip was taken aback and blew his top as the said boy was from different caste. Rinki went off to her room in tears. For over an hour I tried to make him see reason with logic but though he did not counter me but did not relent also. I learnt that Rinki had withdrawn into her shell.

About 10 days later he called us for lunch next day which was Sunday adding that a family was coming to see Rinki alongwith their son. On reaching there we found tension in the air. Dilip was usual self while his wife, Rinki and her brother were in sullen mood. On getting an opportunity Rinki told me that she would ensure that she is not liked by that family. On my asking she said she would look at them with cock eyed way and behave dumb generally. I advised her not to do so but we can sort it out later and she can say no.
That family arrived around 6 in the evening. Apart from the boy and his parents, his younger sister was also there. After normal hello hello we settled down in the drawing room and Dilip asked his wife to call Rinki who was in her room. I was waiting with bated breath. As she entered with sullen look her jaw dropped open on seeing the boy and his parents. That is when Dilip along with boy and his parents broke into loud laughter. His sister too joined in on seeing Rinki. He was the same boy whom Rinki liked.

Later Dilip told me that after I had left that day, he thought about the whole thing keeping my logic in mind. He said that he realized that happiness of his daughter was far more important than casteism. And he also was sure that Rinki’s choice would not be bad. So he arranged to meet the boy after a couple of days. He found him to be much beyond his expectations. Thereafter he met his parents and fixed up this meeting. He had asked his parents to keep it to themselves and not to tell anyone, specially Rinki. He had made the boy a conspirator in the first meeting itself. Best part is that he kept me also in total dark till then.

She has been married for more than 2 years now and is expecting their first child sometime in end March or early April next year.


PS : I had a serious post in mind but keeping the festival season in view I decided to share something which would bring smile to you all.

DUTY TOWARDS SOCIETY

It has been over a month now that I got to my space from my home PC. It was made alright yesterday but then our internet connection went on to give trouble. That got fixed today. So here I am trying to write some of my thoughts which have been in my mind during this break.

We all take so much from society in our growing period or even later and many of us do feel like paying our debt, specially at the fag end of life when all our worldly duties are done.

There are lot many NGOs in this field with varied agendas of social welfare. Many of these are started or run by those who wish to do pay their debt to the society. Many a corporates too have opened separate organizations to do something for the wellbeing of society. While some of them have done so out of compulsion of Corporate Social Responsibility but there are lot many who have done it with genuine desire. Having been associated with NGO I have had a ring side view of what goes on. I am going to share with you some of the issues which make me happy as well as sad.

Our Government on it’s part has many schemes for wellbeing of downtrodden or backward with a huge amount earmarked for each. But unfortunately as stated by our late PM Rajiv Gandhi, it is only a miniscule part of that fund which actually reaches the end beneficiaries. It is so painful to see pockets of unscrupulous persons being filled. The only solution in my mind is that for implementation of these schemes Government must involve those at grass root level for selection of right agency or NGO to carry out the work and give funds to those who are under the scrutiny of and held accountable by the beneficiaries. This may take a lot of hard work for BABUs to do so but possible it is definitely.

Now let me say something about NGOs. Everyone is not Vinobha Bhave, Baba Amte or Mother Terresa. Those running NGOs also need to have their own needs met. It has thus become more of a business for most of them, even family business for some. This is not so bad as long as the main aim is kept alive and their needs are not luxuries. Unfortunately in many cases the main goal is on deferred priority and other aspects take more importance, like getting mileage politically or making inroads into social networking etc. Most of those who are running such organizations become less open minded to suggestions as well as do not like to join hands with other NGOs in the same field for sake of one upmanship and unnecessary duplication adversely affecting the gains for beneficiaries. Solution to this lies only in if people involved are true to their commitments alongwith little overseeing of these organizations by some agency set up by the Government.

This now brings me to the last set of players in social upliftment. The corporates or business houses. Bill Gates, Premji, Narayanamurthy, Ambanis, Tatas, Nilakeni, Bharati, PVR Cinemas are some names which crop up in my mind. Those in the helm of affairs in such corporates are keen from their heart to do something for less privileged but unfortunately the ones who are entrusted to do such acts on their behalf become more bureaucratic and kill good suggestions offered by those in the field. The mindset of many such persons is that they are doing the best and others are not even worth listening to. There have been headlines in news that some of big business houses have made huge donations to the alma mater of their founders or chairmen. It is a nice gesture but one needs to think do such recipients really need such donations. In a case it was with setting up of chair in the alma mater named after founder of donor organization. Don’t you think such funds could have been better utilized for providing basic education and other amenities to those in backward rural inaccessible areas?

In my opinion one should not indulge in charity like giving alms but provide or support facilities making the needy self-reliant.

FORCED BREAK

My PC at home has gone KAPUT. As told by service engineer, it is hard disc problem and it will be another 15 to 20 days before it is made OK. Till then I am on forced break with heavy heart. This I am sending from my old office. I will try to visit whenever I can but can not promise.

May you all have good time and hope to meet you all soon.

CHANGES TIME BRINGS

Today on turning 65, I reflected upon the changes social norms have undergone which I am a witness to and the impacts thereof. Changes are a must for a society to remain vibrant but it is the misuse of such changes which defeat the purpose. I have read views of a couple of young ladies on touchy but important issues of relationships and that has acted as catalytic agent to make me write this. Recently I visited space of Restless and read what she wrote about Live In and Bad Marriages. This made me decide not to lose any more time and put my thoughts across.

Let me start with Love. Love is of many hues, like between parents & children, siblings, relatives, friends to name a few. What I will take up here is Love between two persons, generally of different genders and unrelated. There is no secret that there is attraction between genders. It is from times immemorial. Let me give examples starting with Dushyant and Shakuntla and then coming to recent times of Romeo & Juliet, Shirin & Farhad, Sassi & Pannu and Laila & Majnu. But in olden days it was not widely prevalent as opportunities of interaction between persons of opposite gender was not so common. There were few instances of Love Marriages. As the time passed there were more opportunities as girls started taking up higher as well as professional education. They also had more opportunities to go for jobs in or outside hometown increasing interaction between opposite genders. Thus it is natural for two persons who are attracted and like each other to fall in love and parents need to open their mind to let children have space. This brings us to point where I can say with conviction that when two persons are in such relationship, there is bound to be certain amount of physicality. In my younger days it was close hugs and stolen kisses. Of course there were those who went for more but that was not so common due to lack of opportunity. This brings us to question of pre-marital sex. May I pose a question to all of you, specially males, why is it accepted if a boy has sex with a girl but she is the one who is castigated? Is she not a human being with normal urges? In olden days too there were a lot of instances where cousins had indulged in physical relations as interaction with outsiders was restricted. In some cases it resulted in Forced Marriages if customs permitted. I feel it is upto individual to set limits and to go this far & not farther. But after marriage both boy and the girl should keep trust intact. I do not advocate promiscuity but if it is discreet with those in Love, others should not raise fingers. I have only one Thumb Rule for this which I told both our children, daughter and son, once they were off age “ Follow your conscience and never do something which makes you hang your head in shame later.”

Let us now see Live In relations. If two persons are in love but are not yet in a position to marry, here I must say that marriage is definitely ultimate aim in Love, they may decide to live together depending upon circumstances. Here comes a point which Restless has raised very pertinently , what is the status of children born out of this relationship? Specially if parents do not get married ultimately. Other drawback is what about those who just wish to do so because of LUST? Mostly boys. I know there is Court ruling that those who are in Live In relationship for a reasonable period are to be treated as married couple but such period is not quantified. What happens if boy after having had his fun for let us say a few months walks out? I always say it is unfortunately it is the girl who is at the receiving end. So GIRLS before you decide to go for Live In relationship, do apply your mind fully.

Now coming to Bad Marriage. It is advisable that couple who are going for marriage have pre-marriage counseling. No matter how long they may have know each other or dated, it is only when you are together 7 X 24 that you know the other person fully. It must be borne in mind that both are equal partners in marriage, and that is possible only if few golden rules are kept in mind. Along with pre-marriage counseling, they should also not project goody goody image but talk to each other frankly about own expectations, willingness to adjust and shortcomings. Once married, following , which is my experience after having been married for almost 39 years now with our normal ups and downs, should be kept in mind to ensure there is no issue which raises ugly head :

a) Mutual respect as the person is as well as respect for each other’s relatives.
b) Mutual trust and ensure that this is not broken.
c) Willingness to adjust and accept the other as he or she is.
d) Giving space to each other and to ensure that it is not misused.
e) In case of any misunderstanding, open & logical two way communication without throwing tantrums. They may even agree to disagree.
f) To be there for each other in time of need and try to go extra mile for other.
g) No verbal or physical abuse, specially from husband.
h) To be able to ignore unwanted interference from others.
i) Last but not the least, frankness on physical aspects.

Well, I am open to your suggestions.